Domestic Violence Shelters

Uploaded 11/2/2010, approx. 4 minute read

I am Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Domestic violence shelters are run, funded and managed, either by governments or by volunteer non-government organizations.

According to a 1999 report published by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, there are well over 2,000 groups in the United States involved in sheltering abused women and their offspring.

Before you decide to move with your children into a sheltered home or apartment, go through this checklist. Make sure everything is okay before you embark on this important trip instead.

First of all, it is important to make sure that the philosophy of the organizers of the shelter accords with your own. Some shelters, for instance, are run by feminist movements and strongly emphasize self-organization, cooperation and empowerment through decision-making. Other shelters are supervised by the church or other religious organizations and they demand adherence to a religious agenda.

Yet other shelters cater to the needs of specific ethnic minorities or neighborhoods. Check these issues out before you make a commitment.

Can you abide by the house rules? Are you a smoker? Some shelters are for non-smokers. What about boyfriends? Most shelters won't allow men on the premises.

Do you require a special diet due to medical reasons? Is the shelter's kitchen equipped to deal with your needs, for instance, if you are a diabetic?

So gather intelligence and be informed before you make your move. Talk to battered women who spend time in the shelter. To your social worker, to the organizers of the shelter. Check the local paper archive and visit the shelter at least twice, once during the daytime and once at night.

How secure is the shelter? Does the shelter allow visitation or any contact with your abusive spouse? Does the shelter have its own security personnel? How well is the shelter acquainted with domestic violence laws and how closely is it collaborating with courts, psychological evaluators and law enforcement agencies? Is recidivism among abusers tracked and discouraged? Does the shelter have a good reputation?

You wouldn't want to live in a shelter that is shunned by the police and the judicial system, for instance.

How does the shelter tackle the needs of infants, young children and adolescents? What are the services and amenities the shelter provides? What things should you bring with you when you make your exit? And what can you count on the shelter to provide? What should you pay for? What is free of charge?

How well stuffed is the shelter? Is the shelter well organized? Are the intake forms of the shelter anonymous? How accessible is the shelter to public transport, to schooling and to other community services? Does the shelter have a better prevention or an intervention program? Does it have a workshop or a women's support group?

In other words, does the shelter provide counseling for abusers as well as ongoing support for their victims? Are the programs run only by volunteers, laymen, peers? Are professionals involved in any of the activities in the shelter? And if so, in what capacity? Are they consultants? Are they supervisors? Does the shelter provide counseling for children, group and individual treatment modalities? Education and play therapy services or only management services? Is the shelter associated with outpatient services such as vocational counseling and job training, outreach to high schools and the community, court advocacy and mental health services or referrals?

Most important, don't forget that shelters are temporary solutions. They are transit areas and you are fully expected to move on.

Not everyone is accepted. You are likely to be interviewed at length and to be screened for both your personal needs and compatibility with the shelter's guidelines.

Is it really a crisis situation? Are your life or health at risk or are you merely looking to get away from it all?

Even then, after such an intrusive interview, expect to be placed on a waiting list. Shelters are not vacation spots. They are in the serious business of defending the vulnerable.

So when you move into a shelter, you must know in advance what your final destination is.

Imagine and plan your life after the shelter.

Do you intend to relocate? And if so, would you need financial assistance to do it?

What about the children's education? Their friends? Can you find a job? Will your family support you? Have everything sorted out before you move into the shelter?

Only then, take your things and leave your abuser for good.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Narcissistic Abuse: From Victim to Survivor in 6 Steps

To move on from being a victim of narcissistic abuse, one must abandon the narcissist and move on. Moving on is a process that involves acknowledging and accepting painful reality, learning from the experience, and deciding to act. It is important to grieve and mourn the loss of trust and love, but perpetual grieving is counterproductive. Forgiveness is important, but it should not be a universal behavior. Human relationships are dynamic and require constant assessment. It is not advisable to remain friends with narcissists, as they are only nice and friendly when they want something. Inverted narcissists who remain in relationships with narcissists are victims who deny their own torment and fail to make the transition to survivors.

Self Supply, Collapsed Source Of Narcissistic Supply

In this video, Professor Sam Vaknin discusses various aspects of narcissistic supply, including the concept of auto supply or self supply, and the different ways narcissists cope with a lack of supply. He also delves into the role of delusions, paranoid ideation, and masochistic behavior in maintaining narcissistic supply. Additionally, he explores the impact of deficient supply on the narcissist's mental state and behavior. Finally, he mentions that the next video will feature excerpts from three books on empathy, love, and cultural fear.

Love Your Narcissist? Make Him Stay, Depend on You (Tips, Resolutions)

In a relationship with a narcissist, it is important to know what not to do and what to do to maintain the relationship. Avoid disagreeing, contradicting, or criticizing the narcissist, and never offer intimacy or challenge their self-image. To make the narcissist dependent on you, listen attentively, agree with everything they say, offer something unique, be patient, and be emotionally and financially independent. It is also crucial to know yourself and set personal boundaries, treating yourself with dignity and demanding respect from others. If the relationship becomes abusive, consider going no-contact and ending the relationship for your own well-being.

Narcissist’s Self-supply Techniques

Today's video discusses self-supply in narcissists, where they generate supply from within to avoid collapse. Techniques include future orientation, exclusive reference, self-referential transcendence, self-audiencing, self-referential ideation, contemptuous withholding, and paranoid ideation. These techniques are used to maintain a sense of superiority and control. Self-supply can lead to delusional fantasies and paranoia, but it also reduces harm to others by making the narcissist self-sufficient. The focus of treatment should be on teaching the narcissist to self-supply in a benevolent manner.

How To Tell If Someone Is A Pathological Liar

Pathological lying is a compulsive behavior that is not goal-oriented and has no purpose. Pathological liars weave elaborate and extensive lies that are self-destructive and self-defeating. They are emotionally invested in the act of lying and create an environment that is conducive to their subjective well-being. Pathological lying is not a symptom of any other mental illness and is a long-term problem. There are eight types of lies, including utilitarian, smokescreen, compassionate, ceremonial, compensatory, confabulatory, inferential, and hybrid lies.

Destroy the Narcissist in Court: Divorce, Custody, and Aftermath

In summary, to effectively handle a narcissist in court during divorce and custody proceedings, it is crucial to remain calm, composed, and fact-based. Focus on exposing the narcissist's grandiosity and vulnerabilities by challenging their self-perception and accomplishments, while avoiding appearing vengeful or malicious. Provoke the narcissist indirectly by hinting at their shortcomings and mediocrity, ultimately leading them to lose control and expose their true nature. Maintain a holistic strategy that takes into account both the legal aspects and the narcissist's off-court life.

I Can Achieve and Do Anything If I Only Put My Mind to It

The belief that there are no unrealistic aspirations and that positive outcomes are guaranteed is narcissistic and delusional. To avoid self-deception, we need to accept our limitations, learn from our mistakes, and develop a growth mindset that embraces challenges and sees failure as an opportunity for growth. To develop a realistic self-assessment, make a list of your positive and negative traits and ask others to do the same. Compare the lists and grade the answers on a scale of one to five.

Victim of Narcissist: Move On!

The narcissist lives in a world of ideal beauty, achievements, wealth, and success, denying his reality. The partner is perceived as a source of narcissistic supply, and the narcissist pathologizes and devalues them to rid themselves of guilt and shame. Moving on from a narcissistic relationship involves acknowledging and accepting painful reality, educating oneself, and gaining emotional sustenance, knowledge, support, and confidence. Forgiving is important, but it should not be a universal behavior, and no one should stay with a narcissist.

Love as Addiction (Global Conference on Addiction and Behavioural Health, London)

Love is an addiction that is similar to substance abuse, with changes in behavior that are reminiscent of psychosis. Passionate love closely imitates substance abuse biochemically. The same areas of the brain are active when abusing drugs and when in love. Falling in love is an exercise in proxy incest and a vindication of Freud's much maligned early puss and electro complexes.

Narcissist's Emotional Involvement Preventive Measures (EIPMs)

In 1997, Professor Sam Vaknin published the first digital book on narcissism, which included a chapter on Emotional Investment Prevention Mechanisms (EIPMs). EIPMs are deceptive ways to avoid emotional involvement, commitment, and intimacy. Narcissists use various EIPMs in their personality, conduct, instincts, drives, object relations, functioning, and performance to deter others and maintain emotional distance. This results in a negative, detached life for the narcissist, who spends significant energy avoiding attachment and commitment.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
Website Copyright © William DeGraaf 2022-2024
Get it on Google Play
Privacy policy