Some Giving is Wrong | Vaknin Talks

Back to top Bottom

How can you make someone happy? By giving.

This is the common mantra. The superstition that giving makes other people happy. Giving even makes you happy.

But giving and happiness are not necessarily and inextricably connected. Not alwaysat any rate.

Giving is not the same as making other people happy. Giving cannot guarantee that you will be loved or accepted.

Your style of giving is important.

Depending on the way you give, your giving can even create resentment in your beneficiaries.

You need to know how to give. Giving can generate happiness. It can foster attachment and bonding. It can bring cheer and joy all around.

But it rarely does.

And the reason is that most people give ostentatiously, grandiosely. And by giving this way, visibly, conspicuously, they humiliate the recipients. This is a humiliating kind of giving.

And the other type of prevalent giving is transactional giving. Transactional giving is often perceived by its beneficiaries as a form of blackmail.

I'm giving you so that you end up giving me, give and take.

Truer giving is hidden, secret, unconditional. Truer giving is anonymous. True giving is not strings attached. True giving comes from the heart, never from the wallet.

True giving is about helping others, not buttressing your sense of well-being or grandiose self-perception.

True giving is about lifting other people and uplifting them. True giving is altruistic and empathic.

All the other kinds of giving are manipulative and wrong and are likely to result in outcomes which are adverse to the giver.

Back to top Bottom

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Four Pillars of Self-love

Self-love involves having a realistic and healthy view of oneself, contrasting with the grandiosity of narcissism or the self-deprecation of others. It requires three tests: a realistic self-assessment, the pursuit of happiness, and the pursuit of favorable outcomes. Four conditions must be met for healthy self-love: self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-trust, and self-efficacy, each building upon the previous one. Ultimately, self-love is essential for survival and well-being, guiding individuals toward happiness and effective decision-making.

Posted on 5/12/2020, 25 minute read

Topsy-turvy: Paul Bloom Against, Vaknin for Empathy (Vaknin and Rutsch)

Empathy is often viewed as a panacea for social and cultural issues, but this perspective can be naive, as it overlooks the complexities of human emotions and interactions. The distinction between individual and institutional empathy is crucial; while individual empathy can be biased and limited, institutional empathy can be more rational and inclusive, taking into account broader societal needs. Misguided empathy, particularly from NGOs, can lead to harmful outcomes when it imposes external values without understanding local contexts, reflecting a form of narcissism rather than genuine compassion. Ultimately, empathy should be seen as a nuanced and multifaceted experience, not merely a tool for policy or a measure of charitable giving.

Posted on 8/11/2013, 58 minute read

Healthy Egotism is Self-love, NOT Narcissism

Egotism is defined as self-centeredness that often harms others, and there is no such thing as healthy egotism from a social perspective. The primary focus should be on one's own survival and well-being, which must take precedence over societal expectations or the needs of others. While self-love is essential for mental health and functioning, it should not be confused with the pursuit of pleasure, which can lead to dependency and narcissism. Ultimately, individuals must prioritize their own needs and well-being, even if it means conflicting with societal norms or moral principles.

Posted on 9/1/2024, 16 minute read

What Happiness is NOT and IS (with Andrei Tanase, Filmmaker)

Happiness historically has been associated with luck, wealth, and external validation, but true happiness is an internal state that requires wisdom, self-management, contribution to something greater, and integrity. The pursuit of happiness should focus on understanding and addressing the absence of happiness, as unhappiness is a universal experience that can provide insights into what constitutes happiness. Authenticity plays a crucial role in happiness, as individuals must listen to their inner voice and take ownership of their lives, rather than being influenced by external expectations. Ultimately, happiness is a process of aspiration rather than a fixed state, and it is essential to balance the pursuit of happiness with the recognition of unhappiness to foster personal growth and fulfillment.

Posted on 2/27/2024, 36 minute read

Grandpa Sam's Thoughts for a New Year

The traditional greeting of "Happy New Year" has become increasingly disconnected from reality, prompting a call for introspection and proactive change instead. Happiness is largely relational, and to foster it, one must change their environment by distancing themselves from toxic influences and surrounding themselves with positive, inspiring individuals. Self-care is essential, as neglecting one's own emotional well-being ultimately harms those who care about you, particularly in relationships with narcissists, who thrive on shared fantasies and conditional love. Lastly, true contentment can be achieved either through the fulfillment of dreams or by embracing a life of simplicity and independence, as societal pressures and expectations often lead to anxiety and dissatisfaction.

Posted on 12/29/2023, 25 minute read

Take Your Life Back, Own It

To take back your life and develop a core identity, it is essential to analyze your relationships and focus on cultivating real relationships characterized by vulnerability, shared goals, and realistic perceptions of one another. Avoid micro-relationships and pseudo-relationships, as they often lead to negative outcomes such as depression and heartbreak. Personal responsibility is crucial; your choices define you, and understanding your past behavior can help predict your future actions. Ultimately, happiness comes from within and is rooted in self-love and acceptance, rather than external gratification or fleeting experiences.

Posted on 12/26/2021, 16 minute read

Great Reset: True Healing Only After Hitting Rock Bottom (with Vera Faria Leal)

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is deeply rooted in a complex interplay of religious, nationalistic, and economic factors, making it intractable and resistant to compromise. The conflict has evolved from a struggle between two nationalist movements to one framed by religious ideologies, with both sides embodying victimhood and grandiosity in their narratives. The current state of affairs reflects a broader societal trend towards narcissism and materialism, where human life is often subordinated to ideological and territorial claims. Ultimately, a resolution may require a profound transformation of consciousness, akin to a collective "apocalypse," where society confronts its underlying issues and re-evaluates its values.

Posted on 5/25/2024, 35 minute read

Trust: No Economy, Money, Business Without It

Trust is a fundamental component of economic activity, as it underpins the functioning of markets and the interactions between economic agents. The breakdown of trust leads to reduced economic activity, increased corruption, and a shift towards short-termism, ultimately resulting in societal dysfunction and polarization. Various types of trust, including trust in the economic environment, other players, market liquidity, and knowledge, are essential for maintaining a stable economic landscape. The dynamics of trust are influenced by psychological factors and external shocks, making it a critical element in understanding economic behavior and outcomes.

Posted on 3/23/2023, 17 minute read

Happy Birthday, Mr. Vaknin: Lessons of a Life Ill-lived

Celebrating birthdays is seen as irrational, as it marks the approach of death, yet it can serve as a time for introspection and self-reflection. Life is transient and often perceived as meaningless, but it should be enjoyed while it lasts. Personal growth is often driven by a sense of isolation and the need for self-sufficiency, and meaningful connections with others are ultimately the most important aspect of life. As one ages, the focus should shift from ambition and material pursuits to valuing relationships and understanding the inevitability of cognitive and physical decline.

Posted on 4/21/2024, 5 minute read

What’s Your Type of Boredom, Ennui?

Three types of boredom are identified: saturation boredom, bad faith boredom, and motivational boredom. Saturation boredom results from overexposure to stimuli, leading to anhedonia and withdrawal, while bad faith boredom stems from inauthenticity and self-betrayal, often resulting in aggression and dysfunction. In contrast, motivational boredom is a positive state that encourages self-exploration and authenticity, prompting individuals to seek deeper meaning in their lives. This type of boredom is essential for personal growth and can lead to a more meaningful existence when one learns to embrace it rather than avoid it.

Posted on 6/21/2024, 20 minute read