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Some Giving is Wrong

Uploaded 4/6/2023, approx. 2 minute read

How can you make someone happy? By giving.

This is the common mantra. The superstition that giving makes other people happy. Giving even makes you happy.

But giving and happiness are not necessarily and inextricably connected. Not alwaysat any rate.

Giving is not the same as making other people happy. Giving cannot guarantee that you will be loved or accepted.

Your style of giving is important.

Depending on the way you give, your giving can even create resentment in your beneficiaries.

You need to know how to give. Giving can generate happiness. It can foster attachment and bonding. It can bring cheer and joy all around.

But it rarely does.

And the reason is that most people give ostentatiously, grandiosely. And by giving this way, visibly, conspicuously, they humiliate the recipients. This is a humiliating kind of giving.

And the other type of prevalent giving is transactional giving. Transactional giving is often perceived by its beneficiaries as a form of blackmail.

I'm giving you so that you end up giving me, give and take.

Truer giving is hidden, secret, unconditional. Truer giving is anonymous. True giving is not strings attached. True giving comes from the heart, never from the wallet.

True giving is about helping others, not buttressing your sense of well-being or grandiose self-perception.

True giving is about lifting other people and uplifting them. True giving is altruistic and empathic.

All the other kinds of giving are manipulative and wrong and are likely to result in outcomes which are adverse to the giver.

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Narcissists Hate Children and Envy Them

Narcissists hate children because they envy them. Children's feigned innocence, manipulation, and lack of empathy are disarming in their directness. Narcissists see children as both mirrors and competitors, reflecting their constant need for adulation and attention. Children are loved by mothers, which makes narcissists jealous and infuriated by their deprivation. Narcissists hate children for being them.


Narcissist Hates Happy People and Holidays

Holidays and birthdays are a difficult time for narcissists, as they provoke a stream of pathological envy. The narcissist is jealous of others for having a family, being able to celebrate lavishly, or being in the right mood. They hate humans because they are unable to be one and want to spoil it for those who can enjoy. Holidays remind the narcissist of their childhood, the supportive and loving family they never had, and what could have been.


Communal, Prosocial Narcissist as Compulsive Giver

Compulsive givers are a type of narcissist who feel superior to those they give to, and feel exploited when they have to pay for the needs of others. They are people pleasers and co-dependents who force themselves on others and have unrealistic expectations of gratitude. They have alloplastic defenses with an external locus of control, meaning they rely on others to regulate their self-worth and blame the world for their failures. They keep a mental ledger of what they give and receive and use false asceticism and fake modesty to prove their nearest and dearest are ingrates.


Narcissist Has No Friends

Narcissists treat their friends like Watson and Hastings, who are obsequious and unthreatening, and provide them with an adulating gallery. Narcissists cannot empathize or love, and therefore have no real friends. They are interested in securing narcissistic supply from narcissistic supply sources. The narcissist overvalues people when they are judged to be potential sources of supply, and devalues them when no longer able to supply him, ultimately leading to the alienation and distancing of people.


Giving Narcissist Second Chance

Narcissists do not provide closure in relationships and will stalk, cajole, beg, promise, persuade, and ultimately succeed in doing the impossible to get you back. The narcissist will cast all interactions with you in terms of conflicts or competitions to be won. If you have resumed contact because you are manifestly dependent on the narcissist financially or emotionally, the narcissist will pounce on your frailty and exploit your fragility to the maximum. Ultimately, the narcissist will write the inevitable cycle of idealization and devaluation.


Communal, Prosocial Narcissist: Misanthropic Altruist

Narcissists can be generous and donate to charity, but this is often a way to enhance their sense of grandiosity and control over others. They use their giving as a bait to lure people into their lair and manipulate them into subservient compliance. Narcissistic altruism is an abusive defense mechanism that avoids real intimacy and renders all relationships business-like, using the currency of money. Even the narcissist's benevolence is spiteful, sadistic, punitive, and distancing.


Narcissist as Eternal Child

Narcissists often refuse to grow up and remain in a state of infantilization, avoiding adult responsibilities and functions. This is because remaining a child caters to their narcissistic needs and defenses. Narcissists are often envious of children and try to emulate them, as children are forgiven for narcissistic traits and behaviors that adults are not. By remaining a child, the narcissist can indulge in these behaviors and not be punished for them.


Narcissist's Family

Narcissists perceive new family members, including siblings, children, and even pets, as threats to their narcissistic supply. They may belittle, hurt, or humiliate them, or retreat into an imaginary world of omnipotence. Some narcissists seek to manipulate new family members to monopolize attention and vicariously obtain narcissistic supply. As siblings or offspring grow older and become critical, the narcissist devalues and discards them, feeling stifled and trapped. The family disintegrates, and the cycle begins anew with the arrival of new family members.


Remain Friends with the Narcissist?

Narcissists are only friendly when they need something from you, such as narcissistic supply, help, support, votes, money, or sex. They also become friendly when they feel threatened and want to smother the threat with pleasantries. Narcissists are also over-friendly when they have just been infused with an overdose of narcissistic supply. Some people prefer to live with narcissists because they have been conditioned to treat narcissistic abuse as background noise and are compensated for the abuse by the thrills provided by living with a narcissist. However, inverted narcissists are typically unhappy and in need of help, which suggests that they are victims who experience the Stockholm Syndrome.


Fake, Narcissistic - or True Friend?

A true friend respects and trusts you only when you have earned it, while a fake, narcissistic friend respects and trusts you regardless of your behavior. A true friend shows you the truth, while a fake friend only shows you your own reflection. A true friend loves you for who you are, while a fake friend loves themselves in the friendship. With a true friend, love is its own reward, while with a fake friend, there must be some other benefit.

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