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Spot a Narcissist or a Psychopath on Your First Date

Uploaded 8/2/2010, approx. 4 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Is there anything you can do to avoid abusers and narcissists to start with? Are there any warning signs, any identifying marks, any rules of thumb to shield you from the harrowing and traumatic experience of an abusive relationship?

Imagine you are on a first or second date. Can you already tell if he or she is a would-be abuser?

Well, the answer is yes.

And here's how.

Perhaps the first telltale sign is the abuser's alloplastic defenses.

In other words, his tendency to blame every mistake of his, every failure, every mishap on others or on the world at large.

Be tuned. Does he assume personal responsibility? Does he admit his faults and miscalculations?

Or does he keep blaming you, the cab driver, the waiter, the weather, the government, the cosmos, or fortune for his predicament?

Is he hypersensitive? Does he pick up fights? Does he feel constantly slighted, injured, and insulted? Does he rant incessantly? Does he treat animals and children impatiently or cruelly? Does he express negative and aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy, the sentimental, the sick, and the disabled? Does he confess to having a history of battering or violent offenses or behavior? Is his language vile and infused with expletives, threats, and hostility?

Next thing. Is he too eager? Does he push you to marry him, having dated you only twice?

Is he planning on having children on your first date? Does he immediately cast you in the role of the love of his life? Is he pressing you for exclusivity, instant intimacy, almost rapes you and acts jealous when you as much as cast a glance at another man? Does he inform you that once you get hitched, you should abandon your studies or resign your job or forgo your personal autonomy? Does he respect your boundaries, your privacy? Does he ignore your wishes, for instance by choosing from the menu or selecting a movie without as much as consulting you? Does he disrespect your boundaries and treat you as an object or an instrument of gratification, for instance does he materialize on your doorstep unexpectedly or cause you often prior to your date? Does he go through your personal belongings while waiting for you to get ready? Does he text or phone you multiply and incessantly and insist on knowing where you are or where you have been all these times?

Does he control the situation? Does he control you, compulsively? Does he insist to ride in his car? Does he hold on to the car keys, the money, the theta tickets and even your back? Does he disapprove if you are a waver to love, for instance when you go to how do you know? Does he interrogate you when you return? Have you seen anyone interesting? Does he make lewd jokes and remarks, sometimes at your expense? Does he hint that in future you would need his permission to do things, even as innocuous as meeting a friend or visiting with your family? Does he insist on a dress code that you are supposed to follow?

Does he act in a patronizing and condescending manner? Does he criticize you often? Does he emphasize your minutest faults?

In other words, does he devalue you?

On the other hand does he idealize you? Does he exaggerate your talents, your trades, your skills? Does he call your names? Does he harass or ridicule you? Is he wildly unrealistic in his expectations from you, from himself, from the budding relationship and from life in general?

All these are very bad signs. Does he tell you constantly that you make him feel good? Don't be impressed.

Next thing he may tell you that you make him feel bad or that you make him feel violent or that you provoke him.

A very common sentence of abusers is, look what you made me do. That is ubiquitous catchphrase.

Does your date find sadistic sex exciting? Does he have fantasies of rape or pedophilia? Is he too forceful with you in and out of the sexual intercourse? Does he like hurting you physically or finds it amusing? Does he abuse you verbally? Does he curse you? He means you because you ugly or inappropriately diminutive names. Does he persistently criticize you? Does he beat or slap you or otherwise mistreats you physically?

Does he then, having committed this abuse, suddenly switch to being saccharine and loving, apologizing profusely? Does he buy you gifts as a way of compensating?

If you have answered yes to any of the above, stay away. He is an abuser.

And then there is of course the abuser's body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle but discernible, observable warning signs.

Pay attention to the way your date comports himself and save yourself a world of trouble.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Body Language of Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abuser

Abusers exhibit distinct body language that conveys superiority and entitlement, often maintaining a haughty posture while demanding special treatment and privileges. They oscillate between idealizing and devaluing others, displaying exaggerated admiration or hostility based on their perceived status. Abusers are characterized by a self-centered narrative, frequently using language that emphasizes their own achievements while showing little interest in others. Their serious demeanor and lack of empathy allow them to manipulate social interactions, often masking their dysfunction and abusive behavior from the outside world.


Stalker Psychology

Stalking is a form of abuse that continues long after a relationship has ended, with the majority of abusers getting the message. However, a minority of abusers, the more vindictive and obsessed ones, continue to stalk their ex-partners for years to come. These stalkers are typically lonely, violent, and intermittently unemployed, but they are rarely full-fledged criminals. Contrary to myths perpetrated by the mass media, studies show that most stalkers are men, have high IQs, advanced degrees, and are middle-aged.


Coping with Stalkers: Psychopaths, Narcissists, Paranoids, Erotomaniacs

Stalkers come in different types, including erotomaniac, narcissistic, paranoid, and anti-social or psychopathic. Coping techniques suited to one type of stalker may backfire or prove to be futile with another. The best coping strategy is to first identify the type of abuser you are faced with. It is essential to avoid all contact with your stalker, but being evaded only inflames the stalker's wrath and enhances his frustration.


Types of of Abusive Behaviors: A Proposed Classification

Abusive conduct varies significantly, stemming from multiple sources and manifesting in diverse forms. Key distinctions include overt versus covert abuse, explicit versus stealth abuse, and projective versus directional abuse, each highlighting different dynamics and intentions behind the behavior. Additionally, abuse can be categorized as cathartic versus functional, structured versus random, and monovalent versus polevalent, reflecting the abuser's patterns and targets. Finally, the distinction between normative and deviant abuse emphasizes the importance of cultural context in determining when behavior crosses the line into pathology.


UP TO YOU How People Treat You: Change Your Messaging, Signaling

Repeatedly finding oneself in abusive or disrespectful situations often stems from how one perceives and treats oneself, as others will mirror that self-perception. Narcissists and psychopaths lack true moral understanding and feel immune to the consequences of their actions, which can lead to toxic dynamics. To change how others treat you, it is essential to cultivate self-respect and project a positive self-image, as people are likely to accept the information you provide about yourself. Ultimately, transforming your self-perception can lead to a shift in how others interact with you, fostering respect and support instead of abuse.


Narcissist Infuriated When Faces Karma, Payback, Punishment

Victim bait videos manipulate viewers by portraying narcissists as perpetual victims, deflecting responsibility for their actions and misbehavior. Narcissists react with rage and denial when confronted with the consequences of their actions, often blaming others while maintaining a facade of moral superiority. They leverage charm and detailed narratives to manipulate empathy, creating chaos in others' minds while positioning themselves as the only stable point. Ultimately, their self-deception and refusal to accept accountability lead to self-destructive behaviors, as they oscillate between externalizing blame and internalizing their perceived victimhood.


Erotomanic Stalker

The erotomaniac stalker believes they are in love with their victim and will go to great lengths to prove their devotion, including making legal, financial, and emotional decisions for the victim without their consent. They ignore personal boundaries and intrude on privacy, and may even force themselves on the victim sexually. Coping strategies include ignoring the stalker, not responding to any communication, returning gifts, and avoiding any contact with the stalker. Any contact with the stalker is seen as a sign of love, so it is best to avoid them completely.


Abuse Victims Fear Holidays, Birthdays

Holidays can be a nightmare for victims of family violence and abuse, especially when the offender has narcissistic or antisocial psychopathic personality disorders. Holidays provoke a particularly virulent strain of pathological envy in abusers with these disorders. The narcissistic and psychopathic abuser feels deprived and wants to spoil the party for everyone else. It is important to set boundaries and punish misbehavior and maltreatment.


Narcissist and Psychopath Coping Techniques

The video discusses techniques for coping with narcissistic and psychopathic abusers, including mirroring their behavior, frightening them, luring them, and threatening to abandon them. The most recommended technique is to refuse all contact with the abuser, except for the minimum mandated by the courts. The video also advises watching another video in the series that deals with warning signs and identifying marks to avoid abusive relationships. All techniques should be pursued legally and with caution, as they can backfire and provoke the abuser into violence and aggression.


Covert Narcissist's Abuse= Coercive Control?

Covert narcissists engage in a unique form of narcissistic abuse characterized by passive-aggressive tactics, manipulation, and the creation of coalitions to undermine their targets. Unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists often feign empathy and use nonverbal cues to exert control, employing strategies such as the silent treatment and emotional withdrawal to instill anxiety and fear in their victims. Coercive control, often misattributed to narcissism, is a distinct and premeditated strategy that involves severe intimidation, social isolation, and deprivation of basic needs, rendering it a criminal offense in some jurisdictions. This form of control is calculated and malicious, contrasting with the more reactive and dysfunctional dynamics typically seen in narcissistic abuse.

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