Erotomanic Stalker

Uploaded 8/7/2010, approx. 4 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

The erotomaniac is the kind of stalker who believes that he is in love with you. To show his keen interest, he keeps calling you. To prove his devotion, he keeps dropping by, writing emails, doing unsolicited errands on your behalf, talking to your friends, co-workers and family behind your back, and in general, making himself available at all times.

The erotomaniac feels free to make for you legal, financial and emotional decisions, and to commit you even without your expressed consent or knowledge. The erotomaniac intrudes on your privacy, does not respect your expressed wishes and your personal boundaries. He ignores your emotions, needs and preferences.

To him, love means enmeshment and clinging, coupled with an overpowering separation anxiety, fear of abandonment.

The erotomaniac, in extreme cases, can even force himself on you sexually.

The problem with erotomaniacs is that no amount of denials, chastising, threats or even outright hostile actions convince the erotomaniac that you are not in love with him. He knows better, and he will make you see the light as well.

You are simply unaware of what is good for you, says the erotomaniac. You are divorced from your own emotions, insists. You are in love, you just don't know it.

The erotomaniac determinately sees it as his or her task to bring life and happiness into your otherwise dreary existence.

Thus, regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the erotomaniac is convinced that his feelings are being reciprocated. In other words, that you are equally in love with him as he claims to be with you.

The erotomaniac stalker interprets everything you do, and even things you refrain from doing, as coded messages.

These messages convey to him a confession, a confession of your eternal devotion to him and to your relationship.

Erotomaniacs are socially awkward, schizoid, and suffer from a host of mood and anxiety disorders.

There may also be people with whom you have been involved romantically, from a spouse, from a boyfriend, a one-night stand. They may be colleagues or co-workers or people you have been involved with otherwise. They are driven erotomaniacs by their all-consuming loneliness and all-pervading fantasies.

Consequently, erotomaniacs react badly to any perceived rejection by their victims. They turn on a dime and become dangerously vindictive, out destroy the source of their mounting frustration and agony, you.

When their relationship looks hopeless, many erotomaniacs turn to violence in a spree of self and other destruction.

What is the best coping strategy?

Well, erotomaniacs are not easy to handle. Very persistent. They are a long-term nuisance.

Your best tactic would be to ignore the erotomaniac. Do not communicate with him, or even acknowledge his existence.

The erotomaniac clutches its straws and offers, suffers from ideas of reference. He tends to blow out of proportion every comment or gesture of his loved one.

Follow these behavioral tips, then no contact policy.

One, with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts, decline any and all gratuitous contract with your stalker.

Number two, do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering or threatening email messages or other communications.

Number three, return unopened all gifts he sends him.

Number four, refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom.

Number five, do not talk to your erotomaniac stalker on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him in a single, polite but firm sentence that you are determined not to talk to him.

Do not answer his letters. Do not visit him on special occasions or in emergencies. Do not respond to questions, requests or pleas forwarded to you through third parties.

Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at the erotomaniac stalker's behest. Do not discuss him with your children. Do not gossip about him with others. Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.

When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs with him or his personal affairs. Avoid intimacy or any hint of intimacy. Relegate any inevitable contact with him, when and where possible, to professionals, your lawyer, your accountant.

Any contact with the erotomaniac stalker is interpreted by him as an incontrovertible, indisputable, unambiguous and unequivocal sign of your overpowering love for him. Avoid him and you avoid a serious potential danger.

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Coping with Stalkers: Psychopaths, Narcissists, Paranoids, Erotomaniacs

Stalkers come in different types, including erotomaniac, narcissistic, paranoid, and anti-social or psychopathic. Coping techniques suited to one type of stalker may backfire or prove to be futile with another. The best coping strategy is to first identify the type of abuser you are faced with. It is essential to avoid all contact with your stalker, but being evaded only inflames the stalker's wrath and enhances his frustration.

Stalker Psychology

Stalking is a form of abuse that continues long after a relationship has ended, with the majority of abusers getting the message. However, a minority of abusers, the more vindictive and obsessed ones, continue to stalk their ex-partners for years to come. These stalkers are typically lonely, violent, and intermittently unemployed, but they are rarely full-fledged criminals. Contrary to myths perpetrated by the mass media, studies show that most stalkers are men, have high IQs, advanced degrees, and are middle-aged.

Psychopathic Bully and Stalker

Stalking is a crime and stalkers are criminals, yet the horrid consequences of stalking are often underestimated. Many criminals, and therefore many stalkers, suffer from personality disorders, most prevalently the antisocial personality disorder, formerly known as psychopathy. Psychopaths regard other people as objects to be manipulated, in instruments of gratification and utility. The best coping strategy is to convince the psychopath that messing with your life or with your nearest is going to cost him dearly.

Spot a Narcissist or a Psychopath on Your First Date

There are warning signs to identify abusers and narcissists early on in a relationship. One of the first signs is the abuser's tendency to blame others for their mistakes and failures. Other signs include hypersensitivity, eagerness to commit, controlling behavior, patronizing and condescending manner, and devaluing the partner. Abusers may also idealize their partner, have sadistic sexual fantasies, and switch between abusive and loving behavior. Paying attention to body language can also reveal warning signs.

Women Narcissists

Male and female narcissists differ in the way they manifest their narcissism, with women focusing on their body and traditional gender roles. However, both genders are chauvinistic and conservative, as they depend on the opinions of those around them to maintain their false self. Women are more likely to seek therapy and use their children as a source of narcissistic supply, while men may view their children as a nuisance. Ultimately, there is no psychodynamic difference between male and female narcissists, as they both choose different sources of supply but are otherwise identical.

Narcissists: Homosexual and Transsexual

Research has found no significant difference between the psychological makeup of a narcissist with homosexual preferences and a heterosexual narcissist. However, the self-definition of homosexuals is often based on their sexual identity, which can lead to somatic narcissism. Homosexual relations are highly narcissistic and autoerotic affairs, with the somatic narcissist directing their libido at their own body. Transsexuals may also exhibit narcissistic tendencies, with some seeking sex reassignment due to an idealized overvaluation of themselves and a sense of entitlement.

Paranoid Stalker Ex

Abusive ex-partners often resort to lies and half-truths to cope with the pain of separation. They may also resort to self-delusion, which can make them dangerous. The only viable coping strategy is to ignore the abusive ex and take necessary precautions to protect yourself and your family. Avoid all gratuitous interactions, and do not collude or collaborate in your ex's fantasies and delusions. If your ex is paranoid delusional, he may be very dangerous, and you should take steps to minimize the danger to yourself and your household.

Histrionic Woman's Guide to Men

Histrionic women respond differently to two types of men. The first type is men who openly desire the histrionic woman, but after a brief affair, they begin to bore her. The second type is men who are visibly attracted to the histrionic, but are very avoidant emotionally, or even absent emotionally. Histrionic women abhor intimacy and love, but they need mind games. With these men, there is always some game going on.

Fear of Intimacy Rationalized

People who fear intimacy have a phobia of exposing their vulnerabilities and committing to a long-term relationship. This fear is rooted in a deep distrust of the world and other people. They tend to devalue their intimate partner and imagine negative scenarios for the future. Fear of intimacy is a form of diffuse anxiety that causes people to withdraw and avoid intimate relationships. It is a cycle that can never be broken or interrupted, leading to a never-ending chase that never culminates in a happy ending.

Body Language of Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abuser

Abusers emit subtle signals in their body language that can be observed and discerned. They adopt a posture of superiority and entitlement, and they idealize or devalue their interlocutors. Abusers are shallow and prefer show-off to substance, and they are serious about themselves. They lack empathy, are sadistic, and have inappropriate affect. They are adept at casting a veil of secrecy over their dysfunction and misbehavior, and they succeed in deceiving the entire world.

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