Erotomanic Stalker

Uploaded 8/7/2010, approx. 4 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

The erotomaniac is the kind of stalker who believes that he is in love with you. To show his keen interest, he keeps calling you. To prove his devotion, he keeps dropping by, writing emails, doing unsolicited errands on your behalf, talking to your friends, co-workers and family behind your back, and in general, making himself available at all times.

The erotomaniac feels free to make for you legal, financial and emotional decisions, and to commit you even without your expressed consent or knowledge. The erotomaniac intrudes on your privacy, does not respect your expressed wishes and your personal boundaries. He ignores your emotions, needs and preferences.

To him, love means enmeshment and clinging, coupled with an overpowering separation anxiety, fear of abandonment.

The erotomaniac, in extreme cases, can even force himself on you sexually.

The problem with erotomaniacs is that no amount of denials, chastising, threats or even outright hostile actions convince the erotomaniac that you are not in love with him. He knows better, and he will make you see the light as well.

You are simply unaware of what is good for you, says the erotomaniac. You are divorced from your own emotions, insists. You are in love, you just don't know it.

The erotomaniac determinately sees it as his or her task to bring life and happiness into your otherwise dreary existence.

Thus, regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the erotomaniac is convinced that his feelings are being reciprocated. In other words, that you are equally in love with him as he claims to be with you.

The erotomaniac stalker interprets everything you do, and even things you refrain from doing, as coded messages.

These messages convey to him a confession, a confession of your eternal devotion to him and to your relationship.

Erotomaniacs are socially awkward, schizoid, and suffer from a host of mood and anxiety disorders.

There may also be people with whom you have been involved romantically, from a spouse, from a boyfriend, a one-night stand. They may be colleagues or co-workers or people you have been involved with otherwise. They are driven erotomaniacs by their all-consuming loneliness and all-pervading fantasies.

Consequently, erotomaniacs react badly to any perceived rejection by their victims. They turn on a dime and become dangerously vindictive, out destroy the source of their mounting frustration and agony, you.

When their relationship looks hopeless, many erotomaniacs turn to violence in a spree of self and other destruction.

What is the best coping strategy?

Well, erotomaniacs are not easy to handle. Very persistent. They are a long-term nuisance.

Your best tactic would be to ignore the erotomaniac. Do not communicate with him, or even acknowledge his existence.

The erotomaniac clutches its straws and offers, suffers from ideas of reference. He tends to blow out of proportion every comment or gesture of his loved one.

Follow these behavioral tips, then no contact policy.

One, with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts, decline any and all gratuitous contract with your stalker.

Number two, do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering or threatening email messages or other communications.

Number three, return unopened all gifts he sends him.

Number four, refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom.

Number five, do not talk to your erotomaniac stalker on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him in a single, polite but firm sentence that you are determined not to talk to him.

Do not answer his letters. Do not visit him on special occasions or in emergencies. Do not respond to questions, requests or pleas forwarded to you through third parties.

Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at the erotomaniac stalker's behest. Do not discuss him with your children. Do not gossip about him with others. Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.

When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs with him or his personal affairs. Avoid intimacy or any hint of intimacy. Relegate any inevitable contact with him, when and where possible, to professionals, your lawyer, your accountant.

Any contact with the erotomaniac stalker is interpreted by him as an incontrovertible, indisputable, unambiguous and unequivocal sign of your overpowering love for him. Avoid him and you avoid a serious potential danger.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Coping with Stalkers: Psychopaths, Narcissists, Paranoids, Erotomaniacs

Stalkers come in different types, including erotomaniac, narcissistic, paranoid, and anti-social or psychopathic. Coping techniques suited to one type of stalker may backfire or prove to be futile with another. The best coping strategy is to first identify the type of abuser you are faced with. It is essential to avoid all contact with your stalker, but being evaded only inflames the stalker's wrath and enhances his frustration.

Psychopathic Bully and Stalker

Stalking is a crime and stalkers are criminals, yet the horrid consequences of stalking are often underestimated. Many criminals, and therefore many stalkers, suffer from personality disorders, most prevalently the antisocial personality disorder, formerly known as psychopathy. Psychopaths regard other people as objects to be manipulated, in instruments of gratification and utility. The best coping strategy is to convince the psychopath that messing with your life or with your nearest is going to cost him dearly.

Narcissist's Victim: NO CONTACT Rules

Professor Sam Vaknin advises victims of narcissism and psychopathy to maintain as much contact with their abuser as the courts, counselors, evaluators, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate. However, with the exception of this minimum mandated by the courts, decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist or psychopath. Avoiding contact with the abuser is a form of setting boundaries, and setting boundaries is a form of healing. Be firm, be resolute, but be polite and civil.

Avoid Mentally Ill: No Families, Relationships

Mentally ill people want to be normal, but it is a lie that therapists and psychologists tell them that they can be cured and lead a normal life. Mental illness is a lifelong condition that is part of a person's identity and cannot be cured or healed. Mentally ill people should be managed, regulated, and isolated to prevent them from causing harm to themselves and others. Instead of seeking normalcy and intimacy, mentally ill people should focus on their areas of high functioning and accept their limitations.

Mentally Ill: Bail Out, Save Yourself - Not THEM!

Mentally ill people often emotionally blackmail others into becoming their rescuers, and once they have, they want to infect them with their illness. This is because they want to share their pain and feel accepted. However, mentally ill people do not want to be helped, and they have strong resistances and defenses against healing. Therefore, it is important to harden your heart and walk away from mentally ill people to save yourself.

Stalker Psychology

Stalking is a form of abuse that continues long after a relationship has ended, with the majority of abusers getting the message. However, a minority of abusers, the more vindictive and obsessed ones, continue to stalk their ex-partners for years to come. These stalkers are typically lonely, violent, and intermittently unemployed, but they are rarely full-fledged criminals. Contrary to myths perpetrated by the mass media, studies show that most stalkers are men, have high IQs, advanced degrees, and are middle-aged.

Narcissist: Set Firm Personal Boundaries!

Personal boundaries are essential to protect oneself from abusive behavior. It is important to set boundaries clearly and communicate them to others, including the consequences of violating them. It is crucial to enforce boundaries consistently and involve law enforcement or friends and colleagues if necessary. One should be vigilant, doubting, and not gullible, and expose the abuser to their collaborators.

Interacting with Your Abuser

Sam Vaknin advises those in abusive relationships to work with professionals such as lawyers, accountants, and therapists to extricate themselves from the situation. He suggests maintaining the minimum contact mandated by the courts and avoiding any gratuitous contact with the abuser. Vaknin also recommends exposing the abuser's needs and filling one's life with new hobbies, interests, and friends. Finally, he warns against discussing personal affairs with the abuser and disconnecting from third parties who may be spying on one's behalf.

Narcissist and Psychopath Coping Techniques

The video discusses techniques for coping with narcissistic and psychopathic abusers, including mirroring their behavior, frightening them, luring them, and threatening to abandon them. The most recommended technique is to refuse all contact with the abuser, except for the minimum mandated by the courts. The video also advises watching another video in the series that deals with warning signs and identifying marks to avoid abusive relationships. All techniques should be pursued legally and with caution, as they can backfire and provoke the abuser into violence and aggression.

Love Addiction: Craving Infatuation, Limerence

Love addiction is a complex and relatively new topic in psychopathology, characterized by an individual's maladaptive and pervasive interest in romantic partners, often leading to a lack of control and negative consequences. Love addicts often fall in love with fantasies or complete strangers, and their addiction leads to extreme emotional dysregulation and unboundaried behavior. The role of fantasy in love addiction is significant, and it is closely related to codependency and other issues. Treatment for love addiction is still limited, but cognitive behavior therapy and support groups like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous may help some individuals.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
Website Copyright © William DeGraaf 2022-2024
Get it on Google Play
Privacy policy