Why Can't You Breakup with the Narcissist?

Uploaded 12/13/2023, approx. 14 minute read

Self-styled experts online pander to victims of narcissistic abuse. They tell victims what they want to hear. They tell victims you're angelic, you're perfect, you're blameless, you're not responsible for what had happened to you, you had no contribution into your predicament, the narcissist is demonic and you should seek to destroy the narcissist in every way possible.

This is of course a splitting mechanism. You are on good, the narcissist is all bad.

And why do they do this? Why do they lie to you? They do it because the victimhood market is huge. There's a lot of money to be made and they're laughing all the way to the bank.

You get to hear what validates you and feels good. It's a feel-good factor and they get richer by the day. Everyone is happy.

So why am I pooping and bursting the bubble? Why am I the party pooper? Why do I seek repeatedly to confront you with your own role and contribution and responsibility and sometimes guilt and shame in what has happened to you because it's the only path to healing.

Self-styled experts want to keep you in a state of victimhood because a state of victimhood is the golden eggs. You're the goose and you lay golden eggs as long as you're victims.

So today we are going to discuss yet another controversial topic.

Why do you stay with the narcissist? Why don't you immediately abandon the narcissist? Why don't you exit the relationship?

Of course, many self-styled experts will tell you that you are staying with the narcissist, that you do not break up with the narcissist, that you continue the relationship and try to somehow ameliorate and mitigate and control the adverse circumstances in which you find yourself.

You're doing all this because you're moral or because you have a conscience, you're conscientious or because you're kind or because you're empathic or because you're caring and loving and accepting and non-judgmental and supportive and you may well be all these things but these have nothing to do with the fact that you find yourself embedded in a relationship which you cannot exit. Never mind how much you want to and how hard you try. You are staying with the narcissist for selfish reasons.

We all do things for selfish reasons. We act for selfish reasons. We are selfish creatures. It's the only guarantee of survival, long-term survival.

The narcissist caters to your needs, psychological needs, physical needs. He is there as a supplier, as a pusher if you wish. It's a bit of an addiction. It's known euphemistically

as trauma bonding. It might as well be called trauma addiction.

But let me review some of the reasons, the real reasons why you stay with the narcissist. It has nothing to do with your morality or your overdeveloped conscience or your kindness and empathy or any of this nonsense. What are the real reasons you're staying with the narcissist? The number one reason is that you are a big narcissistic and you love to behold yourself. You love to see yourself, your idealized self through the narcissist gaze.

The narcissist idealizes you and then gives you access to this idealized internal object. You see yourself through the narcissist's eyes as perfect, drop dead gorgeous, hyper intelligent, amazingly talented.

And this image of yourself is irresistible. It's addictive. You want more and more frequently you need this access. You need this self infatuation and self-limerence.

And only the narcissist can provide you with it because he's the only one who is idealizing you. It caters to your narcissistic defenses. It creates narcissistic gratification or elation.

In short, it's narcissistic supply.

This is by far the most common reason for staying with the narcissist.

In my experience, 30 years, not small.

Next, you need to be needed. That is Lidia and Ghelvac's contribution.

You need to be needed either as a maternal figure. The narcissist becomes a child substitute.

You see the inner child in the narcissist, you become protective and you become helpful and supportive. You want to nurture this child. You want to help this child survive and thrive. You want to somehow solve the wounds of this traumatized abused child.

Having gained access to the narcissist inner child, you believe, you become your maternal reflexes, they're treated.

And by the way, when I say maternal, it doesn't matter if you're a male, doesn't matter.

Maternal instincts are protective instincts. The instinct to bring someone to fruition, to thriving, to prosperity.

So the narcissist acts or gives you access to the part of him that is immature, that is in need and then you need to be needed and it becomes highly addictive.

Because again, it caters to some extent to your grandiosity. Being needed means that you are powerful, you are special, you are chosen. These are all narcissistic hallmarks.

Next thing is victimhood makes you feel good.

Now I want to make something clear.

Intimate partners of narcissists remain embedded in the narcissist's shared fantasy relationships with narcissists for a variety of reasons.

I'm not saying that all the reasons I'm about to give apply to each and every individual, each and every partner, each and every spouse of a narcissist, each and every child of a narcissist. No, each and every friend of a narcissist.

What I'm saying is each person who finds himself gravitating towards the narcissist and unable to develop escape velocity, each person who finds himself a figment in the narcissist's shared fantasy, unable to regain the previous, the erstwhile three-dimensional existence that he has had before having met the narcissist. Each person who is subjected to the narcissist's internal voice, the introject, the entrained introject of the narcissist, each of these potential sources of supply, potential intimate partners, potential spouses, girlfriends or boyfriends, or children or friends or whatever, each of these people has one of these or a few of these reasons, reasons to stay.

These reasons are selfish. They have nothing to do with your better part, with your morality or consciousness or niceness or empathy or kindness or generosity or any of this.

Okay, so the first reason is you see yourself idealized through the narcissist's eyes and it's addictive, it's irresistible.

Reason number two, you need to be needed. The narcissist is a child and it triggers in you the maternal instincts.

Reason number three, victimhood makes you feel good.

You like to be a victim because it makes you feel entitled. When you're a victim, you're entitled to special treatment. Your victimhood imposes duties and obligations on other people. It gives you power, victimhood empowers.

That's why we are today in a victimhood era, period of victimhood. Everyone and his dog is someone's victim. So victimhood is empowerment.

It's almost Orwellian. It's almost 1984, newspeak, you know, war is peace. Victimhood is empowerment and you like to be a victim.

Of course, in a small minority of cases, you like to be a victim because you're self-destructive. Trauma bonding is a form of self-harming, self-trashing. It's masochistic.

So sometimes you team up with the narcissist because you want the narcissist to destroy you. You want the narcissist to devastate you. You're wanting to obliterate you. You're trying to commit suicide by narcissist. That's another reason to stay with the narcissist.

But more commonly, victimhood status is a form of virtual signaling. Look how long suffering I am, you say to one and sundry. Look how patient I am. Look how virtuous I am, how empathic, how generous, how kind, how moral, how conscientious, etc. It's a form of virtual signaling.

Virtual signaling, of course, has to do with competitive victimhood, which is a narcissistic behavior.

Next, you may end up controlling the narcissist from the bottom by feigning helplessness, clinging neediness, emotional blackmail. You end up being on top. You control from the bottom. You manipulate the narcissist. You make him do your wish. He adheres to the narrative or the script in which he is a savior and a rescuer and a messiah and you are the damsel in distress.

It's a very common shared fantasy with narcissism. And co-dependence, for example, and many borderlines adhere to this piece of fiction, to this movie script, where they flawed and broken, damaged. The narcissist is there to fix them, to heal them, to rescue them, to save them, to cure them and generally to serve as a rock in an otherwise turbulent ocean.

Next thing is more unpleasant, your gold digger.

Narcissists, some narcissists are accomplished, they're rich, they're famous and so you cling to them because you want their money. Or you want to be famous vicariously by proxy and this is known as inverted narcissism.

You want to bask in the glow of the narcissist celebrity. You want to derive narcissistic supply indirectly through the narcissist accomplishments. You are in effect a covert narcissist and sometimes a psychopath. Many gold diggers are actually psychopaths.

The narcissist becomes a sugar daddy or a sponsor of some kind.

Next thing is many narcissists, especially cerebral ones, couldn't care less if you were to have sex or even romance with other men, fewer women or with other women, fewer men.

In short, the shared fantasy often devolves or degenerates into an open relationship or an open marriage and it's the best of both worlds. You benefit from the relationship which is a rigid structure with its own rules and its own benefits. So there's money, there's stability, there's safety, there's security, there's determinacy, there's certainty and so on and so forth that comes with the territory of having a long-term relationship and on the other hand you can have a lot of fun. You can have a lot of fun with others, sex, trips.

The narcissist couldn't care less. Of course, narcissists become romantically jealous and possessive at the first sign of having lost you. They fear loss like everybody else but actually many narcissists drive you to infidelity and this is known as the betrayal fantasy and I encourage you to watch videos on this channel regarding the betrayal fantasy.

Many women and many men like this form of benign neglect. As long as you provide the four S's, two of the four S's, sex, services, supply, sadistic and narcissistic and safety. As long as you provide two of these four S's, what you do in your free time is your problem. It's none of the narcissist's business. I call it benign neglect.

The narcissist couldn't care less about you and so on.

Now the narcissist is often alarmed when your personal autonomy and your agency and your self-efficacy evolve to the point of challenging the internal object that represents you in the narcissist's mind. When your independence threatens to get out of control, when you are about to exit the narcissist's gravitational field somehow.

In short, when the narcissist reaches a conclusion that he's about to lose you, not having had the chance to devalue and discard you yet in the initial phases of the shared fantasy, he becomes romantically jealous and possessive and restricting and controlling and then of course it's not pleasant.

But as the shared fantasy progresses in time, it becomes more and more lax and open and flexible and you can do anything you wish to your heart's content as long as you conform to the internal object in the narcissist's mind and provide him with the aforementioned four S's.

Another reason to be with the narcissist is that you're beating him. He makes you feel superior to him.

Here he is mired in envy and anger and hatred and negative affectivity while you are capable of love and positive emotions. Here he is constant failure, constantly self-sabotaging, self-defeating and you are capable of growth and accomplishments. Here he is delusional, trapped in a fantastic paracosm and you are able to explore the world and through your exploration of the world transform yourself for the better.

The narcissist is incapable of learning and change. The narcissist is pitiful and pity is a stronger motion because it makes you feel superior, another narcissistic element.

Next thing, you actually feel safe with the narcissist because even the abuse is predictable and the narcissist is always confident and authoritative. The narcissist is a parental figure.

That's a key feature of the dual mothership concept in the shared fantasy. He's a parent and as a parent he serves as kind of a secure base, you feel safe and stable and secure with the narcissist.

And I repeat, even the abuse, even the maltreatment, even the trauma are predictable, recurrent, the intermittent reinforcement becomes habituated and you develop a comfort zone. And within this comfort zone, you're willing to tolerate the narcissist's idiosyncrasies in return for the safety and security and sense of engulfment and encompassment that the parental figure provides.

The next reason for staying with the narcissist is you have no other preferable alternative. Maybe you have tried and failed and maybe you haven't tried, but the fact is you can conceive of no other universe, no other relationship, no other dyad, no other mode of existence without the narcissist.

The narcissist has become an integral part and a determinant of your identity, of who you are. You define yourself through your interactions and relationship with the narcissist.

It's difficult for you to abandon yourself and it's doubly difficult to imagine yourself with someone else in some other environment subject to some other rules of game and embedded in yet another fantasy.

The next thing is if you're a codependent, you believe that your neediness and helplessness guarantee your partner's presence in your life and interest in your well-being.

In short, the narcissist is the perfect mate for the borderline, the codependent and other types, by the way, not only the borderline and the codependent, because the narcissist reacts in a very rigid, automatic way to signals that elevate or buttress his grandiosity.

When you signal to the narcissist, neediness, for example, the narcissist is likely to react as a savior or rescuer, is likely to stick around.

There are essentially two ways to keep the narcissist tethered to you and addicted to the shared fantasy.

You either tell him that he's great and unique or you tell him how needed and indispensable he is.

In this sense, the narcissist needs to be needed as much as you do.

As I said, as long as you conform to the internal object that represents you in the narcissist's mind, the introject, things are going to go swimmingly well. The narcissist is going to let you have a lot of freedom, actually is going to push you away because your existence as an external object destabilizes and undermines the validity and cohesion of the internal object.

The narcissist much prefers to interact with your introject, with your avatar in his mind than he does with you.

So he would like you to let him be, to not become a nuisance or an annoyance.

But the minute you drift away from the introject, from the avatar, the minute you begin to disagree with the narcissist, criticise him, offer him advice, present an alternative point of view, etc.

The narcissist begins to fear your personal autonomy and agency.

So there's no winning strategy with the narcissist because the narcissist either fears your personal autonomy and agency and then he devalues you and discards you. He converts you into an enemy and a persecutory object within his mind.

Or if you are not challenging, if you're not critical, if you're submissive and obedient, the narcissist disdains your dependency and emotionality. He holds you in contempt.

So you can't win. You are either an enemy to be eradicated and destroyed and obliterated and ruined, or you're a non-entity, an amoeba-like creature with no boundaries, with no spine, with no identity. We're the only non-contempt.

So there's no viable, long-term strategy to surviving the shared fantasy. The evaluation and discard are built-in features of the shared fantasy. There's nothing you can do about it.

You may wish to remain in the relationship for your own selfish reasons. You may wish to stay, to never break up with the narcissist. I call it self-hovers.

You may overlook the narcissist's transgressions, misbehavior, abuse, trauma. You may self-harm via the relationship. You may feel needed and maternal. You may feel idealized and idolized and pedestalized.

There's a multiplicity of psychodynamic pathways to remaining in such a relationship.

But this has nothing to do with your traits. Your traits such as empathy or kindness or niceness or narcissists are oblivious to all this.

Narcissist has a relationship not with who you are, but with what you can give him.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Your Empathy as Narcissistic Injury: Narcissist Never Learns, No Insight

Narcissists reject empathy and intimacy because it challenges their grandiosity, and they become paranoid and aggressive when someone tries to be intimate with them. Narcissists lack empathy and access to positive emotions, leading to a truncated version of empathy called "cold empathy." Narcissists are self-aware but lack the incentive to get rid of their narcissism, and therapy is more focused on accommodating the needs of the narcissist's nearest and dearest. Cold Therapy is experimental and limited, as it removes the false self but does not develop empathy or improve the narcissist's interpersonal relationships.

Can You Love the Narcissist and Rescue Him?

Victims of narcissists often resort to fantasies and self-delusions to cope with their pain, believing that they can rescue the narcissist from their misery and misfortune. However, loving a narcissist is difficult, and any attempt to relate to them emotionally is doomed to failure. Narcissists are addicts in pursuit of gratification through the drug known as narcissistic supply, and they hone in on potential suppliers like cruise missiles. Victims of narcissists can become bitter and self-centered, lacking in empathy, and become more like the narcissist over time.

Narcissist's Romantic Jealousy and Possessiveness

Narcissists experience anxiety when they become aware of their possessive and jealous tendencies. Anxiety characterizes all their interactions with the opposite sex, especially in situations where there is a possibility of rejection or abandonment. The narcissist's envy of their female mate is a result of an unconscious conflict, and they exercise their imagination to justify their negative emotions. Narcissists often strike an unhealthy balance by being emotionally and physically absent, which drives their partner to find emotional and physical gratification outside the relationship.

Can Narcissist Truly Love?

Narcissists are incapable of true love, but they do experience some emotion which they insist is love. Narcissists love their significant others as long as they continue to provide them with attention, or narcissistic supply. There are two types of narcissistic love: one type loves others as one would get attached to objects, while the other type abhors monotony and constancy, seeking instability, chaos, upheaval, drama, and change. In the narcissist's world, mature love is nowhere to be seen, and their so-called love is fear of losing control and hatred of the very people on whom their personality depends.

How Narcissist's Victims Deceive Themselves

Narcissists cannot be cured and are a threat to those around them. Victims of narcissists often confuse shame with guilt and attribute remorsefulness to the narcissist when they are actually feeling shame for failing. Narcissists are attracted to vulnerable people who offer them a secure source of narcissistic supply. Healing is dependent on a sense of security in a relationship, but the narcissist is not interested in healing and would rather invest their energy in obtaining narcissistic supply. Narcissists lack empathy and cannot understand others, making them a danger to those around them.

When Narcissist Says "I Love You" - What Does It Mean To Him?

Narcissists and borderlines often mislabel and misidentify their internal processes as love and intimacy, despite being incapable of experiencing true love or intimacy. They confuse dependency, limerence, exhibitionism, masochism, defiance, competitiveness, possessiveness, neediness, and people-pleasing with love and intimacy. This mislabeling is an attempt at self-restoration and bridging confabulation, as they have a diminished self-insight and inability to introspect. Their constant attempt to explain or describe their internal processes is an effort to restore their being, relationship with the world, and ultimately their identity.

Social Distancing: Isolation with the Narcissist

Social isolation with a narcissist can be compared to a hostage situation, with the victim experiencing trauma bonding. In this situation, the narcissist becomes paranoid and develops a need for control, which is displaced onto their spouse or intimate partner. The narcissist's frustration at being unable to obtain narcissistic supply and loss of control can lead to aggression, which can take many forms. The only technique that may work in this situation is background noise, but even this has a limited shelf life, and there is a risk of an epidemic of domestic violence.

When Narcissists Become Codependents

Living with a narcissist can be harrowing, and the partner of the narcissist is often molded into the typical narcissist mate, partner, or spouse. The partner must have a deficient or distorted grasp of herself and of reality, and the cognitive distortion of the partner of the narcissist is likely to consist of belittling and demeaning herself while aggrandizing and adoring the narcissist. The narcissist is perceived by the partner to be a person in the position to demand these sacrifices from her. The breakup of the relationship with the narcissist is emotionally charged and is the culmination of a long chain of humiliations and subjugation.

Narcissists Hate Women, Misogynists

Narcissists view women as objects and use them for both primary and secondary narcissistic supply. They fear emotional intimacy and treat women as property, similar to the mindset of European males in the 18th century. Narcissists frustrate women by teasing them and then leaving them, and they hold women in contempt, choosing submissive partners whom they disdain for being below their intellectual level. The narcissist projects his own behavior and traits onto women.

Narcissist Dreads Change, Uses Sex to Reduce Anxiety

Narcissists are change-averse due to their belief that they already know everything and their lack of curiosity about themselves and others. They also confuse their internal and external environments, leading to a fear that any change in the external environment will result in self-destruction. To reduce anxiety, narcissists engage in unusual psychosexuality and seek intimate partners to legitimize their sexual preferences. As society becomes more narcissistic, these behaviors become more prevalent, especially among women who conform to male stereotypes to gain attention and validation.

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