The most popular and viral videos about narcissism, their titles like "How to torture the narcissist in five easy steps" or "How to burn the narcissist's apartment and drown his dog while he is deep asleep".
That's my favorite.
And how to force the narcissist to beg for mercy and for your forgiveness on his knees on at least seven separate occasions.
I decided to join the fray and the fun with a video of mine.
I, as opposed to the self-styled experts, know what I'm talking about.
And the title is "How to infuriate the narcissist", "How to drive the narcissist's nuts out of his mind into apoplexy".
Quite a long title, but you get the gist of it.
Let's start with the fact that the narcissist is a legend in his own mind.
A giant awakened.
The narcissist is a combination of the ten commandments, or shall we say eleven commandments, the constitution and an encyclopedia.
A narcissist is God and all his messengers and prophets combine.
He is one of a kind.
There's never been anyone like him and he's never going to be replicated into the far future and posterity.
Get the picture?
That's how the narcissist views himself.
Both overt narcissist and covert narcissist share this inflated, fantastic grandiose perception.
Now if you want to drive the narcissist to apoplexy, if you want to reduce the narcissist to a quivering heap, to tears, here's what you should say.
Start with "do this" or "don't do this".
If you tell the narcissist you should do this or "don't do this" or "this is what you have to do", this would drive the narcissist to the outer limits of insanity.
The narcissist in his own mind is omnipotent, all-powerful and omniscient, all-knowing, telling the narcissist what to do and what to not do, implies that the narcissist is not all-knowing, that you have some kind of superior or external or ulterior knowledge to which the narcissist has no access and that you have power over the narcissist.
You can inhibit the narcissist's actions or you can direct the narcissist's energy or you can dictate to the narcissist what to do and what not to do, the same way a boss does with his or her employees.
And this of course, rankles the narcissist, triggers the narcissist into a rage.
Another sentence, "I agree with you".
It's an innocuous sentence, it would make anyone happy except the narcissist because the narcissist is not just anybody.
What do you mean "you agree with me" says the narcissist?
Are we equals in any way, shape or form?
What qualifies you to pass judgement on what I've just said?
What qualifies you to agree with me?
Are you educated?
Are you as erudite as I am?
Are you possessed of critical thinking, as profound, as incisive as mine?
Are you placing yourself on a level playing field with me?
Do you imply that we are intellectual equals?
What do you mean "you agree with me"?
When you agree with a narcissist, you cause narcissistic injury.
This is the amazing thing.
Many sentences which lubricate the intercourse between human beings, which constitute the foundation upon which civility, etiquette, manners and politeness work.
Many sentences which allow the social machinery to chug forward and forth unhindered and unperturbed.
Many sentences that are kind of signals of goodwill, they are perceived by the narcissist as derogatory, demeaning, humiliating, an attack, a form of externalized aggression.
Of course, I agree with you as one such sentence and the only sentence worse than this is I disagree with you.
What qualifies you to disagree with me?
Why do you assume that you know as much as I do?
I am omniscient, I am all-knowing, I am godlike, etc.
The next sentence that drives the narcissist up the proverbial walls and sometimes the actual walls is I won't do it. No, I refuse. No way. It's against my principles. It's not who I am. Or I think it's a bad idea. I won't do it.
It implies that you possess personal autonomy, independence, agency and the ability to exercisedecision making, make choices and therefore be self efficacious. All these threaten the narcissist.
The narcissist perceives you as an internal object, an extension of himself and when you display independence and autonomy, the narcissist perceives this as aggression, malevolent aggression.
Narcissists immediately attribute malice, aforethought, conspiracy, they're very paranoid. They're steeped in paranoid ideation. Actually paranoia is a form of narcissism.
Next you remember the class of innocuous sentences, sentences that everyone would find endearing and pleasant and great and civil.
Well here's another one. Do you need some help? Would you like me to give you some advice? You seem to be lost. Do you need directions?
The minute you use the word need, you antagonize the narcissist.
In the narcissist mind, when you ask the narcissist, do you need help? It implies that you are superior to the narcissist in some way, that the narcissist is inferior to you, in need of you, dependent on you.
And that is bad because that proves that he is not omnipotent, that he is not omniscient.
When I say he, it's a she. Half of all narcissists are women.
Okay, so do you need some help? In the narcissist mind is translated and converted and interpreted into a slight, an insult.
Do you need some help? Means you need some help. You are helpless.
Would you like me to give you some advice? Means you're stupid. You're ignorant. You're ill-informed. You're too lazy intellectually. You need my advice. I am superior to you. I know more than you. I have more experience than you.
This is how the narcissist perceives the well-meaning sentence. Can I give you some advice?
How about when the narcissist is lost? Like physically lost. He drove his, or she drove her car into a foreign city and she can't find her way. Google maps is of no help and she's lost.
And here comes a person by a well-meaning person and says, can I help you? You seem lost. Can I give you some directions?
And that is a major slap in the face as far as a narcissist is concerned. That is real narcissistic injury. That's impertinent. That's impudent. That's injurious. That's malicious. How dare you imply that I'm lost and that I'm in need of directions. I who am all-knowing. I who is all-present.
Whenever there is an implication or the possibility to translate a sentence into an infringement of the narcissist's grandiosity, piercing the narcissist's bubble, challenging the narcissist's inflated fantastic self-perception and self-image as godlike, divine, the narcissist takes umbrage, becomes enraged, there's narcissistic injury.
So one of the worst sentences you can say to a narcissist if you want the narcissist to experience a meltdown, that's a sentence you should say.
Let me show you how to do it.
Bad, really bad. All hell breaks loose. The narcissist collapses into a heap and melts right on your carpet. Very difficult to clean afterwards.
Let me show you how to do it. It means you don't know how to do it. You're doing it wrong. You're not all-knowing. You're stupid. You're intellectually lazy. You didn't bother to read the user's manual. Something's wrong with you.
Such a sentence, let me show you how to do it, resonates within the narcissist and translates immediately into narcissistic injury.
Here's another one.
You listen to the narcissist, expostulating and expounding on a topic, analyzing, cross-analyzing comparing, reveling in his own verbal diarrhea and pompously presenting himself as an expert when he's clearly not.
And then in order to be on the safe side and also to maintain a modicum of manners and etiquette and politeness, you're saying, well, maybe I'm not sure it's true, but it may well be.
Are you serious?
Everything the narcissist says is fact. Everything is true. Everything is verified. Everything is directly from the mouth of God.
You cannot challenge anything the narcissist says. You cannot doubt it in any way, shape or form.
What do you mean maybe?
For sure. There's no maybe in the narcissist world.
Even when the narcissist verbalizes his intuitions or his gut instincts, he firmly believes that they are real. Even when he expounds on his fantasy, he confuses his fantasy with reality.
In the narcissist world, everything he has ever said was God's own truth, incontestable, indisputable, cannot be doubted in any way, shape or form.
And when you say maybe, you're doubting the narcissist, you're demeaning the narcissist, you're diminishing the narcissist, you're de-pedestalizing the narcissist, you're taking him down from the divine realms which he inhabits by right and by constitution down to earth where he's only one of many people, fallible, prone to errors and mistakes and ill-informed.
No way.
Rendering the narcissist average, implying that he's no different to others, robs the narcissist of the uniqueness, the uniqueness that constitutes the essence of grandiosity and the glue that holds the various constructs of the narcissist's personality together precariously.
Similarly, if you say to the narcissist, are you sure? Can you prove this? Can you provide references or some evidence?
You're doubting the narcissist. Bad, bad policy if you don't want the biblical wrath of the narcissist upon you and upon your descendants for 10 generations.
The narcissist concludes an essay, lectures.
Narcissists never talk to you, they talk at you. They never listen to what you have to say, you don't interest them. You're a mere function, you're an audience, just an audience.
And so the narcissist having completed his brilliant soliloquy or lecture, whatever you want to call it, expects a round of applause and mitigated adulation, ostentatious adoration, nothing else, definitely not questioning.
So if you say, this is one way to look at it, this is one way to do it, you're implying that the narcissist's way is not the only absolutely exclusively true veritable way. You're implying that the narcissist does not have a monopoly on rightness, on truthfulness and on facts. You're implying that the narcissist may be counterfactual and this is bad because you're bringing the narcissist face to face with the fact that he's embedded in fantasy and you're threatening the narcissist with mortification.
Of course never ever, never ever say you're wrong. It didn't happen like that. I have proof that you're wrong. Never do any of this ever unless you want to acquire an eternal enemy in the shape of the narcissist.
Narcissists tend to hold grudges forever and some of them become stalkers. They're very dangerous people. Do not underestimate the narcissist because the narcissist can lie dormant and quiet for 10 years and then out of the blue erupt on you.
So don't antagonize the narcissist. I mean just walk away. There's no point in all these attempts to enlighten the narcissist, to awaken the narcissist, to help the narcissist see the light.
There's no light in the narcissist world. The narcissist is a crypt. It's a dead entity entombed in his or her own mind.
The narcissist recounts a debate he had or an argument he has had with someone and then you make the mistake of saying, well, maybe the other party was right. He said, I had a point.
You're vindicating and legitimizing the other party, invalidating the narcissist, challenging the narcissist and in the narcissist's mind, everything is an attack.
You either with the narcissist or you're against the narcissist. You're either the narcissist's friend or you are an avowed lifelong enemy after the grave even. I mean like never ever support the narcissist adversary, the narcissist's interlocutor, the narcissist's foe, the narcissist's ex that never put yourself on the side of people who the narcissist regards as potential persecutors, peripatetic objects.
So if the narcissist tells you about a debate he's had or an argument he's had and you don't agree with the narcissist, you think the other party to the argument had much better arguments.
Just don't say anything. Don't try to act balanced. Don't try to seek justice.
There's no such thing in the narcissist's world. There's no balance. There's no justice. There's no true exchange of information. There's no attempt to communicate.
Narcissists use language to impress, to impress, to manipulate, not to communicate.
They are not interested in other people's opinions. They don't regard a free exchange of ideas as a form of self enrichment. They regard it as an endless stream of malevolent challenges.
Okay, sometimes you try to compliment the narcissist because you've been listening to too many Sam Vaknin videos and you've understood finally that one way to obtain favorable outcomes from the narcissist is by flattering the narcissist, telling the narcissist how great he is.
So you come to the narcissist and you say, you are amazing. You're among the best.
Among the best? What do you mean among the best?
The narcissist is the best. He is the best and he is the best test. There is no other best except the narcissist.
So it's like the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, the best, the whole best and nothing but the best.
The narcissist is the only, the one and only, sweet Genoese, look it up, one of a kind.
So when you say he's among the best, you imply that the narcissist has peers, has equals. That is very triggering. That is malicious. That is also stupid because how can you compare the narcissist to anyone else?
He is so vastly superior, so elevated above the free, so much more, so much more something, so much more educated, so much more skilled, so much more experienced, so much more handsome, so much more intelligent, so much more.
So the narcissist is incomparable. Do not say you're among the best. Say you're absolutely the one and only best.
Okay.
Next, having a conversation with the narcissist, which appears to be reasonable and going well, and you seem to be hashing out points and arguments and you're beginning to think that maybe you've misjudged the poor narcissist. Maybe he's not too many Vaknin videos.
And then you say the sentence, well, taking into account the circumstances you did really well or you look really good or you're truly accomplished.
Taking into account, for example, taking into account your age, you look really good. Or taking into account your origins, your upbringing, you ended up being accomplished. Or taking into account that you have read so few books about the topic, your insights are amazing.
The minute you qualify the praise, qualify the praise, the minute you try to inject some humility, some modesty, some perspective, some proportion into the compliment, you're actually inverting the compliment and it becomes a slight or an insult.
What do you mean taking into account? Nothing should be taken into account.
The narcissist is the ultimate, the ultimate genius, the ultimate hunk, the ultimate scholar, the ultimate intellectual, the ultimate bodybuilder, the ultimate everything, opinion maker, change agent, everything.
The narcissist is a one and only is the ultimate and this has nothing to do with the narcissist's circumstances or history.
Narcissists are an absolute statement which is independent of context.
The minute you try to contextualize the narcissist, the minute you try to embed the narcissist in a specific personal history, in a culture, in a society, in a period, in anything, in a milieu, among his peers and his colleagues, the minute you try to embed the narcissist, you're diminishing the narcissist, you're minimizing the narcissist.
The narcissist is the most salient feature in the landscape.
There is no landscape except for the narcissist.
If the narcissist had his way, all the paintings in the world would consist only of the narcissist with no buildings, no trees, no pastures, no other people, nothing, just the narcissist.
So context is bad.
Of course, if you want to truly reduce the narcissist to bitter tears, inducing the narcissist a state of inconsolable depression, all you have to say is, "Oh, I heard this before. I heard it from someone else."
This is shocking.
Everything the narcissist says is innovative, groundbreaking, unprecedented, amazing. Everything the narcissist says is captivating and thrilling and incisive and insightful. Everything the narcissist says is no comparison, no equal, no peer. Everything the narcissist says is divine genius, inspired by supernatural forces, if you wish, and to imply that someone has had the capacity and the temerity to say something that somehow resonates with or corresponds to the narcissist's words is to imply that the narcissist is not original or God forbid is plagiarizing or that the narcissist is simply one of many or that the thinking of the narcissist, the cognitive processes, the narcissist's insights and ideas are pretty humdrum and mundane.
Can you conceive of a worse slight than this?
Well, there is actually one.
When you say, "I suggest that you", who are you to suggest anything and why do you assume the narcissist is in need of your advice or suggestion? Isn't this presumptuous? Isn't this vinglorious? Isn't this grandiose?
You are the narcissist, says the narcissist. I never asked you for advice because I don't need any advice. I have all the resources internalized because I am all encompassing, I'm all pervasive, I'm ubiquitous, I'm God. I contain everything within me.
And so I don't need any input from the outside because there's no outside. What you call the outside, the external world, other people, they're only figments of my imagination. They're embedded in my fantasy within my mind. They're internal objects.
All right, next.
When you try to empathize with the narcissist, when you try to somehow convey the narcissist that his experience is well understood, that you sympathize with him or her and so on, you might make the following mistake. You might commit the faux pas and the unforgivable error of saying, "I was or I am exactly like you. I was thinking precisely the same thing. I've had exactly the same experience. I know where you're coming from. I know how you feel."
Placing yourself on equal footing with a narcissist, which is a no-no. No, no, and you will go the way of the dodo if you don't apologize. This is a serious mistake.
It implies that you have things in common with the narcissist, that the narcissist shares something with you, but you can't have anything in common with someone or share with someone unless you are somehow related, unless there's some common denominator.
For example, the common denominator being human, narcissists reject all this. No one is like the narcissist. There's no common denominator between the narcissist and other people. The narcissist stands alone, a class, unto its own.
You cannot tell the narcissist that you have had the same fault because you're incapable of such genius. You could not have had the same experience because whatever has happened to the narcissist is unique and unprecedented in the annals of human history and also in the annals of the planet Earth.
So you've never had an experience like the narcissist. The narcissist experience is more better, worse, something.
If the narcissist chooses victimhood as a grandiose identity, then the narcissist's suffering has been the most profound.
His abuser has been the most malicious, etc.
Everything is the utmost.
And so you can't think precisely, can't be thinking precisely the same thing.
You can't have had the same experience.
Do not compare yourself to the narcissist. That's a serious insult.
Similarly, when you say, don't worry, together we will make it.
What do you mean together? The narcissist has not togetherness with anyone.
The narcissist maintains hierarchical relationships, relationships of hierarchy, not relationships of networking.
The narcissist is not a node in anyone's network. He is the network.
The narcissist is not a worshipper of any God. He is God.
The narcissist is not a collaborator in any team. He is the team.
So don't try to put yourself, render yourself equal to the narcissist. It's insulting. It's counterfactual also. It's unreasonable.
The narcissist mocks you and ridicules you when you try to do this.
Don't say together we will make it. There's no together.
Don't say I have the same whatever it is like you do, because you don't.
Don't say I've had the same thought because you could never have had the same thought or experience or anything in common with the narcissist.
Here are a few things the narcissist finds devastating.
Any statement of fact which seems to contradict his inflated perception of his grandiose self.
Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of talents and skills which the narcissist fantasizes that he possesses.
Any hint that he is or she is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party.
Any description of the narcissist as average, as common, indistinguishable from others.
Any hint that the narcissist is weak or needy or dependent or deficient or slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim, an average person of mediocre accomplishment.
Now that is with one exception, if victimhood is the narcissist's grandiosity, of course.
The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and in an effort to reestablish his fantastic grandiosity, the narcissist is likely to expose facts and stratagems that he had no conscious intention of exposing.
So this applies to both the overt and the covert. Both of them react psychodynamically identically.
It's just that the ways the rage manifests are different.
The covert is likely to sabotage you, to undermine you, to stab you in the back.
The overt is likely to go to become defiant in your face, is likely to externalize aggression.
The covert is passive aggressive, the overt is overtly aggressive.
That's the only difference, but you're likely to suffer.
So the narcissist reacts indignantly with rather hatred and aggression or even overt violence to any infringement of what he perceives to be his natural entitlement.
Narcissists believe that they are so unique and that their lives are of such cosmic significance that others should defer to their needs and cater to their every whim without a door.
The narcissist feels entitled to interact or to be treated or to be questioned only by unique superior individuals.
He resents being doubted or ridiculed.
An insinuation, a hint, an intimation or direct declaration that the narcissist is not special after all.
That he is average, that he is common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest.
All these inflame the narcissist.
He holds himself to be omnipotent, omniscient, irresistibly fascinating, a treasure.
Tell the narcissist that he does not deserve the best treatment, that his desires are not everyone's priority, that he is boring or that he is ignorant, that his needs can be catered to by any common practitioner, medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist, that he or she and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged, that he will do whatever he's told to do, that his temper tantrums will not be tolerated, contempt of court, going to jail, that no special concessions will be made to accommodate his inflated sense of self that is subject to court procedures, etc.
And the narcissist will likely fly off the handle and lose control.
The narcissist believes that he or she is the cleverest, far above the maddening crowd.
It's lamentable that the narcissist found himself on this planet with the intermention, the subhumans that surround him, but that's life and unfortunately is dependent on their feedback and attention.
Narcissistic supply.
Take the narcissist often, disagree with him and criticize his judgment, expose his shortcomings, humiliate him in public, mortify him, berate him, tell him you're not as intelligent as you think you are.
Who is really behind all this?
It takes sophistication which you do not seem to possess.
Or tell him, so you have no formal education? Or tell him you are?
And then make a mistake, make a mistake about his age, about his name and so on and so forth.
Ask him what did you do in your life? Did you study anything? Do you have a degree? Did you hold a job? What kind of job? And so on and so forth.
Question him, interrogate him, doubt him, ask him did you ever establish or run a business? Would you define yourself as a success? Did you ever read books on this and this topic? Etc.
And he falls apart. He is incapable of confronting the truth.
And the truth is that the answer is often in the negative. No, he hasn't done any of this.
Ask the narcissist to put himself in other people's shoes. Challenge him. Would your children share your view that you're a good father and a good person? Or hint or insinuate that he is not as morally upright as he claims to be? Demean him indirectly.
Narcissist can't stand all this. They're very fragile. They're very brittle. They're extremely defensive because they're vulnerable.
And so talking to the narcissist is like taking a leisurely afternoon stroll through a minefield. You usually enter with two legs and you exit a paraplegic.
Thank you.