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Breaking Through the Narcissist's Indifference by Becoming a Psychop

Uploaded 3/31/2020, approx. 8 minute read

Hello, Sam Vaknin of Malignant Self-Love fame, here again. Be sure to watch my previous video about mutations in the virus and the vanity and hubris of the medical profession.


Today we will discuss dynamics between the narcissist and his partner.

The narcissist has three essential demands from his partner and companion. I call them the three S's, sex, supply, narcissistic supply, and services. If she provides any two of these three, he is pacified and he ignores her. She is like a captive, like a hostage, and he is indifferent to her emotions, needs and wishes. He takes her silent acquiescing presence in his life for granted. She is to him an inert, lifeless and objectified or even mummified fixture. I call this process snapshotting.

He takes a snapshot of her and he relates to the snapshot. The narcissist acts similarly towards a frustrating partner who provides only one or none of the three S's.

In both cases, if his needs are satisfied or if his needs are not met, he withdraws, he disinvests, he absents himself, he cuts off all meaningful communication. It's a no win situation, a lose-lose situation.

Whatever you do, you are doomed and no good deed goes unpunished by the narcissist's absence.

In both cases, the narcissist reacts with extreme abuse and rejection to any attempt to invade or control his personal space or his personal time.

To attract his attention and gain access to him, the partner needs to escalate. She needs to dramatize. She needs to render herself unpredictable. She needs to exaggerate her behaviors. She needs to become not herself.

Very often you hear partners of narcissists or spouses and so on and say, I'm shocked, I'm surprised. It's not me. I don't know. I've never done this before or I don't know why I've done this. It's not like me.

Many partners react to this apathetic negation of their being by self-trashing. For example, by drinking to oblivion and having unprotected sex with a low life stranger, by falling into bed company, self-harming with drugs or otherwise, by engaging in other reckless and self-destructive behaviors.

Narcissist pushes him to do these things with his utter apathy. The aim of all these maneuvers, self-trashing, dramatizing, escalating, exaggerating, the aim of all these maneuvers, the aim of becoming a drama queen, the aim of acquiring actually borderline traits, modal ability and dysregulated emotions.

The partner is doing all these things because she wants to communicate distress. She's telling the narcissist by ignoring and rejecting me, you're hurting me so much that I want to destroy myself. I hope the pain that I am causing you now will be sufficiently potent, sufficiently strong to pierce the veil, to make you care about me, to penetrate your formidable firewall and stupor.

Usually, only the threat of abandonment or actual loss can convey this harrowing and heartbreaking message. Overt, ostentatious, purposeful and weaponized cheating is the sole way open to the partner to get through to the neglectful and oblivious other.

And ironically, this escalated cry for help is rarely restorative. It rarely restores the relationship.

Of course, if the other party cheats ostentatiously inconspicuously, it's not very conducive to the continuation of the relationship on good terms or any terms. Such behavior often is irrevocably terminal and destructive. It dooms the relationship.

But what to do? There's nothing else to do. Half measures like, for example, triangulation are useless. The narcissist doesn't even notice. He's so immersed in himself. He's so occupied with impressing others. He's so full of himself that he doesn't even notice triangulation.

The only way to attract his attention, to get to him, get through to him, to wake him up. The only way is an all out egregious in your face infidelity. It's the only efficacious wake up call.

But of course, it's also a last hurrah.

And this leads to, because there's a rising narcissism and a marked avalanche of narcissistic partners, this leads to certain societal or society wide developments.


Scholars like Cleckley and Cartman have noted even 80 years ago that misandry and misogyny, men hating and women, women hating, misandry and misogyny, coupled with a profound and abiding fear of intimacy, result in psychopathic antisocial behaviors in adulthood. Such people form intimate relationships that are anything but intimate.

So I repeat, this growing misandry hatred of men, this growing misogyny, hatred of women, and people are infected. It's exactly like the COVID-19 virus.

By now, I would say that majority of population is actually infected.

And so it's very difficult for people who hate the other sex to form intimate relationships with the other sex.

What they do create, what they do engender, is relationships that are intimate only by name. These relationships are impersonal, they're disempathic, they're transient, they're objectified, emotionless, non-committal, defiant, defensive, entitled, and founded on destructive envious competition, on deceit, on contumacious recklessness. Both parties are loathe to share anything or to disclose vulnerabilities because the setting is adversarial, more like a courtroom than a relationship. The prosecution doesn't share or expose vulnerabilities to the defense team.

It is small wonder that as our civilization becomes more and more narcissistic, both men and women adopt and emulate grandiose psychopathic men as role models, gurus, and guiding lights.

But in a feat of reverse mental engineering, this paradigm change also entails a surge in intergender conflict and hatred.

What am I saying? Misogyny today and misandry are off the charts.

I have never, and I'm not as young as I look, I have never seen hatred of men and hatred of women so prevalent.

The genders get together nowadays, either to have casual meaningless sex or to tear each other down triumphantly and abusively via rejection, withholding, hurtful, extreme misconduct, betrayals, you name it. It's a jungle out there in more than one sense.

You can't expect to find an intimate partner. Your relationships deteriorate and degenerate into business partnerships or room mating.

Any attempt to establish a relationship that is more profound and more deep usually ends up in tremendous heartbreak.

Indeed, the number of breakups in the past 40 years has grown five times.

Relationships are not surviving. Divorces have stabilized, plateaued at an all-time high. Cheating has gone up three times among women.

The situation is so bad that many people are choosing simply to stay alone, to remain single in the fullest sense of the word. Single in the sense that they live alone at home and almost never see a member of the opposite sex, except maybe once or twice a year for an occasional romp in the hay.

Is this going to change? I don't think so.

I think external pressures like the pandemic and the economic upheaval is going to follow are going to actually radicalize and antagonize the genders.

Today, women compete with men on scarce resources.

This was not the case when the Spanish flu hit humanity. This was not the case in the 1950s after the Second World War.

But today, the growth in the Western world, at least, ceased and it's been stagnant for well over 30 years.

And yet the number of people competing for the same resources has doubled because women have entered the workforce, have entered professions, monopolized some of these professions, and women are playing traditionally male roles.

Women have also adopted male behaviors and male traits and are becoming indistinguishable psychodynamically for men.

So it's like the number of men has doubled. Only one kind, their genitalia are different, but the number of men has doubled.

It's exactly the same effect, like mass immigration.

Imagine that your country is opening up and the population doubles. There will be fierce competition for jobs and resources, including emotional resources.

Because you see, genders provide each other with an emotional setup that is exclusive. In other words, what a woman can give to a man, another man cannot give to a man.

I'm talking about heterosexual men.

And when a woman emulates a man, she no longer can provide these highly idiosyncratic emotions that a woman in a more traditional gender role can provide.

Same goes for a man, by the way. Men are becoming more and more traditionally feminine.

So as the whole world becomes uni-gender, there is enormous emotional deprivation and it's only growing.

And we know from psychology that the reaction to such a traumatic tectonic shift, the reaction to constant emotional withholding and deprivation is by developing and displaying narcissistic and psychopathic defenses.

We are becoming more and more narcissistic and more and more psychopathic because everyone else is becoming more and more narcissistic and psychopathic.

And we have no one else to turn to.

A few days ago, a study was published. People were asked, is there a single person in your life with whom you will not hesitate to share your deepest secrets?

The answer in the 1980s was, yes, I do have such people, five of them actually.

A few days ago, the study was repeated. The number dropped from five to zero. People in this pretty large study didn't have a single person to confide in, a single person to share with, a single person to trust.

That is the world we're living. The virus in its economic aftermath, self-inflicted wounds, they're not going to make things better.

Except expect a bumpy ride for humanity as a species and for yourselves as individuals.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Narcissist Frustrates Women with Ostentatious Fidelity

Cerebral narcissists often frustrate women who are attracted to them by withholding sexual intimacy and engaging in teasing behaviors, which stems from a deep-seated misogyny and contempt for women. They compartmentalize women into categories of "saints" and "whores," leading to a distorted view of intimacy and sexuality, where sex is seen as dirty and reserved for those they devalue. This behavior serves to secure narcissistic supply by eliciting admiration and pursuit while simultaneously reenacting unresolved conflicts from their past. Ultimately, the narcissist's fear of intimacy and emotional connection drives them to inflict pain on women, reinforcing their own feelings of superiority and control.


Narcissist: Women as Sluttish Huntresses or Sexless Saints

Heterosexual narcissists desire women but are frustrated by their inability to interact with them meaningfully. They hate women virulently, passionately, and uncompromisingly, and their hate is primal, irrational, and the progeny of mortal fear and sustained abuse in early childhood. Narcissists are infinitely pessimistic, bare-tempered, paranoid, and sadistic, and their daily routine is a rigmarole of threats, complaints, hurts, eruptions, moodiness, and rage. They are their own worst enemy and cannot conceive of life in one place with one set of people, doing the same thing in the same field with one goal within a decades-old game plan or career path or relationship.


Can Narcissist Truly Love?

Narcissists are incapable of genuine love, viewing others primarily as sources of narcissistic supply, which is essentially attention. They perceive their loved ones as objects or extensions of themselves, reacting with rage to any signs of independence or autonomy. There are two types of narcissists: one seeks stability and control, while the other craves chaos and drama, but both reduce their loved ones to mere props in their lives. Ultimately, the narcissist's so-called love is rooted in fear and self-interest, leading to a cycle of idealization and devaluation of those around them.


The Signs of the Narcissist

Narcissists are difficult to spot, but there are subtle signs that can be picked up on, such as entitlement markers, idealization and devaluation, and a lack of empathy. Narcissists are often perceived as anti-social and are unable to secure the sympathy of others. They are also prone to projecting a false self and using primitive defense mechanisms such as splitting, projection, projective identification, and intellectualization.


Narcissist's Grandiosity, Borderline's Promiscuity: 3Ss+E2A

Narcissists demand two out of three specific needs from their partners—sex, supply, and services—while also expecting unmitigated exclusivity, adulation, and availability. If these needs are not met, they will devalue and discard their partners. The compensatory cerebral narcissist is an exception, seeking only supply and services without the need for sex or exclusivity, driven by deep-seated feelings of inadequacy. Borderline individuals exhibit identity disturbances, leading to erratic behaviors and an inability to maintain stable relationships, often oscillating between conflicting self-states and engaging in habitual promiscuity as a form of process addiction.


Two Narcissists in a Couple

Two narcissists can establish a long-term, stable relationship if they are of different types, such as one being somatic and the other cerebral, as they can mutually provide the necessary narcissistic supply. When both partners are of the same type, competition for attention and admiration often leads to conflict and prevents intimacy, ultimately resulting in the relationship's collapse. The dynamic between dissimilar narcissists allows for a complementary relationship where each partner admires the other's strengths, creating a virtuous cycle of gratification. However, as they age and lose their primary sources of narcissistic supply, the relationship may face challenges, yet they can still rely on shared memories to maintain their bond.


Narcissists Hate Women, Misogynists

Narcissists view women as objects and use them for both primary and secondary narcissistic supply. They fear emotional intimacy and treat women as property, similar to the mindset of European males in the 18th century. Narcissists frustrate women by teasing them and then leaving them, and they hold women in contempt, choosing submissive partners whom they disdain for being below their intellectual level. The narcissist projects his own behavior and traits onto women.


When Narcissist Says "I Love You" - What Does It Mean To Him?

Narcissists and borderlines often mislabel and misidentify their internal processes as love and intimacy, despite being incapable of experiencing true love or intimacy. They confuse dependency, limerence, exhibitionism, masochism, defiance, competitiveness, possessiveness, neediness, and people-pleasing with love and intimacy. This mislabeling is an attempt at self-restoration and bridging confabulation, as they have a diminished self-insight and inability to introspect. Their constant attempt to explain or describe their internal processes is an effort to restore their being, relationship with the world, and ultimately their identity.


Cerebral Narcissist's Confession: Regulation of Narcissistic Supply

The cerebral narcissist describes his pattern of selecting women inferior to him, engaging in brief periods of sex, and then becoming a recluse interested only in his studies. He sees his intimate partners as fulfilling roles such as admiring him, reminding him of his past accomplishments, and doing chores. He does not care what else they do with their time or with whom they spend it, but panics when they show signs of leaving him. He embarks on a charm offensive, but it is usually too late. The women feel that something is wrong with the relationship, but cannot place their finger on it.


Confession of Dismissive-Avoidant Narcissist (FULL TEXT in DESCRIPTION)

A dismissive avoidant narcissist lures potential providers by presenting themselves as a wounded victim, triggering protective instincts in others. When intimacy or emotional connection is introduced, they recoil and push their partners away, preferring to maintain independence and avoid the demands of a close relationship. They may encourage their partners to seek alternative relationships, viewing this as a way to outsource emotional labor while still benefiting from the two out of four S's they desire. Possessiveness and jealousy arise only when they feel their providers are not fully committed or may seek better options, leading to a transactional and manipulative dynamic.

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