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Narcissist: Women as Sluttish Huntresses or Sexless Saints

Uploaded 2/2/2011, approx. 7 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Heterosexual narcissists desire women as any other red-blooded male does, or even more so because of women's symbolic nature in the narcissist's life. Humbling the woman, humiliating her and subjugating her in acts of faintly sadomasochistic sex, is a way of getting back at mother.

But the narcissist is frustrated by his inability to meaningfully interact with women, by women's apparent emotional depth and powers of psychological penetration, real or attributed, and by the sexuality. Women's incessant demands for intimacy are perceived by the narcissist to be a threat. He recoils instead of getting closer.

The cerebral narcissist also despises and derides sex. Thus caught in a seemingly intractable repetition complex.

In approach avoidance cycles, the narcissist becomes furious at the source of this frustration. Some narcissists set out to do some frustrating of their own. They tease passively or actively, or they pretend to be asexual, or they turn down rather cruelly any feminine attempt to court them to get closer or to have sex.

Sadistically, such narcissists tremendously enjoy their ability to frustrate the desires, passions, and sexual urges of women, makes them feel omnipotent and self-righteous.

Narcissists regularly frustrate all women sexually and significant women in their lives, both sexually and emotionally.

Somatic narcissists simply use women as objects and then discard them. They masturbate using women as props, flesh and blood aids. The emotional background in both cases, cerebral and somatic, is identical.

While the cerebral narcissist punishes through abstention, the somatic narcissist penalizes through excess. The narcissist's mother kept behaving as though the narcissist was and is not special to her. The narcissist's whole life is a pathetic and pitiful effort to prove his mother wrong.

The narcissist constantly seeks confirmation from others that he is special, in other words, that he is, that he actually exists.

Women threaten this quest.

Sex is best true. Sex is common. Everybody does it. There is nothing special or unique about sex. Women's sexual needs threaten to reduce the narcissist to the lowest common denominator, to render him average, mediocre.

Intimacy, sex and human emotions are common even to intellectually challenged people. Narcissists cannot be identified with these dimensions of human existence. Everybody and anybody can feel, copulate and breed.

There is nothing in these activities to set the narcissist apart and above others.

And yet, women seem to be interested only in these pursuits.

Thus, the narcissist emotionally believes that women are the continuation of his mother by other means and in different guises.

The narcissist hates women virulently, passionately and uncompromisingly. His hate is primal, irrational, the progeny of mortal fear and sustained abuse in early childhood.

Granted, most narcissists learn how to disguise or even repress these untoward feelings.

But their hatred does sometimes get out of control and erupts and the mask falls and you see the true face of the narcissist.

To live with a narcissist is an arduous and eroding task.

Narcissists are infinitely pessimistic. They are bare-tempered, paranoid and sadistic, in an absent-minded and indifferent manner. Their daily routine is a rigmarole of threats, complaints, hurts, eruptions, moodiness and rage.

The narcissist rails against, true and imaginative, alienates people, humiliates people because this is his only weapon against his own humiliation wrought by their indifference.

Gradually, wherever the narcissist is, his social circle dwindles and then vanishes. Every narcissist is also a schismic to some extent. A schismic is not a misanthrope, but the narcissist is.

Narcissists don't necessarily hate people in the deeper sense of the word. They simply want not to need them. They want to negate their dependence on them for narcissistic supply.

Narcissists regard social interactions as a nuisance to be minimized. The narcissist is torn between his need to obtain narcissistic supply from people and his fervent wish to be left alone. This wish springs from contempt and overwhelming feelings of superiority.

There are fundamental conflicts, of course, between dependence, counter-dependence, contempt, neediness and devaluation, seeking people and avoiding people, turning on the charm to attract adulation and reacting with wrath and rage to the minutest provocations. These conflicts, this unpredictability, this instability and liability of the narcissist conduct, these lead to rapid cycling between gregariousness and self-imposed ascetic seclusion.

Well, as far as women is concerned, such an unpredictable but always bilious and festering ambience typical of the narcissist's romantic liaisons is hardly conducive to either sex or love.

Gradually, both sex and love become extinct in the relationship. Relationships are hollowed out.

In perceptibly, the narcissist switches to asexual cohabitation with his female spouse or partner.

But the vitriolic environment that the narcissist creates is only one hand of the equation.

The other hand involves the woman herself.

As we said, heterosexual narcissists are attracted to women, but simultaneously repellent, horrified, bewitched and provoked by them. They seek to frustrate and humiliate women.

Psychodynamically, the narcissist probably visits upon women, his mother's sins.

But such simplistic explanation does the subject great injustice. Most narcissists are misogynists. Their sexual and emotional lives are perturbed and chaotic. They are unable to love in any true sense of the word, nor are they capable of developing an immeasure of intimacy.

Lacking empathy, they are unable to offer to their partners emotional sustenance.

Do narcissists miss love and loving? Would they have liked to love? And are they angry with their parents for crippling them in this respect? Who knows?

But I think to the narcissist, these questions are incomprehensible. There is no way they can answer these questions and answers they've never loved.

They do not know what it is that they are supposedly missing. Observing it from the outside, love seems to them to be a reasonable pathology.

Narcissists equate love with weakness. They hate being weak and they hate and despise weak people.

And therefore they hate and despise the sick, the old, the young and women. They do not tolerate what they consider to be stability, disease and dependence.

And love seems to consist of all these three.

These are not sour grapes. The narcissist really feels this way.

Narcissists are angry men, but not because they never experience love and probably never will. They are angry because they are not as powerful or inspiring and successful as they wish they were and to their mind as they deserve to be.

Because of their daydreams, they refuse to stubbornly refuse to come true, refuse to converge with reality. It makes them rageful. They are their own worst enemy.

And in their unmitigated paranoia, narcissists see adversaries plotting everywhere and feel discriminated against and contemptuously ignored.

Many types of narcissists, borderline narcissists for instance, cannot conceive of life in one place with one set of people, doing the same thing in the same field with one goal within a decades old game plan or career path or relationship.

To them, this kind of existence is the equivalent of death. They are most terrified of boredom and whenever faced with its daunting prospect, such narcissists inject drama or even danger into their lives. They become reckless, abusive. This way they feel alive.

The narcissist is a lonely wolf. He is a shaky platform indeed on which to base a family or plans for the future.

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Narcissists Hate Women, Misogynists

Narcissists view women as objects and use them for both primary and secondary narcissistic supply. They fear emotional intimacy and treat women as property, similar to the mindset of European males in the 18th century. Narcissists frustrate women by teasing them and then leaving them, and they hold women in contempt, choosing submissive partners whom they disdain for being below their intellectual level. The narcissist projects his own behavior and traits onto women.


Narcissist's Romantic Jealousy and Possessiveness

Narcissists experience anxiety when they become aware of their possessive and jealous tendencies. Anxiety characterizes all their interactions with the opposite sex, especially in situations where there is a possibility of rejection or abandonment. The narcissist's envy of their female mate is a result of an unconscious conflict, and they exercise their imagination to justify their negative emotions. Narcissists often strike an unhealthy balance by being emotionally and physically absent, which drives their partner to find emotional and physical gratification outside the relationship.


Your Empathy as Narcissistic Injury: Narcissist Never Learns, No Insight

Narcissists reject empathy and intimacy because it challenges their grandiosity, and they become paranoid and aggressive when someone tries to be intimate with them. Narcissists lack empathy and access to positive emotions, leading to a truncated version of empathy called "cold empathy." Narcissists are self-aware but lack the incentive to get rid of their narcissism, and therapy is more focused on accommodating the needs of the narcissist's nearest and dearest. Cold Therapy is experimental and limited, as it removes the false self but does not develop empathy or improve the narcissist's interpersonal relationships.


Narcissist Frustrates Women with Ostentatious Fidelity

Narcissists, particularly cerebral narcissists, often frustrate women who are attracted to them by withholding sex or teasing them. This is because they are misogynists who hold women in contempt and fear them. They divide women into saints and whores, and view sex and intimacy as mutually exclusive. The narcissist's frustrating behavior serves to secure a narcissistic supply and reenact unresolved conflicts with their mother. They pathologize women to control them and project their own parasitic behavior onto them.


Can You Love the Narcissist and Rescue Him?

Victims of narcissists often resort to fantasies and self-delusions to cope with their pain, believing that they can rescue the narcissist from their misery and misfortune. However, loving a narcissist is difficult, and any attempt to relate to them emotionally is doomed to failure. Narcissists are addicts in pursuit of gratification through the drug known as narcissistic supply, and they hone in on potential suppliers like cruise missiles. Victims of narcissists can become bitter and self-centered, lacking in empathy, and become more like the narcissist over time.


Sadistic Women-lover, Sadistic Women-hater

Narcissists either love or hate women, but both types end up torturing them. The sadistic women lover, or philogenist, is drawn to women but is terrified by his own obsession with them. He adopts avoidant behaviors to restore his sense of control and superiority over women. The sadistic women-hater, or misogynist, holds women in contempt and seeks to punish them. He fears women and punishes them for bringing forth his own shortcomings. The narcissist regards women as mirrors of his own deficiencies and hates them.


Narcissist Dreads Change, Uses Sex to Reduce Anxiety

Narcissists are change-averse due to their belief that they already know everything and their lack of curiosity about themselves and others. They also confuse their internal and external environments, leading to a fear that any change in the external environment will result in self-destruction. To reduce anxiety, narcissists engage in unusual psychosexuality and seek intimate partners to legitimize their sexual preferences. As society becomes more narcissistic, these behaviors become more prevalent, especially among women who conform to male stereotypes to gain attention and validation.


Self-destruction as Narcissistic Supply: Narcissist's Self-denial and Self-defeat

Narcissists frustrate others to satisfy their masochistic tendencies and sadistic urges. By withholding love, sex, and intimacy, they torment those around them while obstructing their own gratification. Self-denial, self-destruction, and self-defeat buttress the narcissist's sense of superiority and uniqueness, as they prove to themselves that they are the strongest and can overcome powerful desires and emotions. These behaviors and choices engender narcissistic supply, as they demonstrate the narcissist's independence from society, nature, and even themselves.


How Narcissist's Victims Deceive Themselves

Narcissists cannot be cured and are a threat to those around them. Victims of narcissists often confuse shame with guilt and attribute remorsefulness to the narcissist when they are actually feeling shame for failing. Narcissists are attracted to vulnerable people who offer them a secure source of narcissistic supply. Healing is dependent on a sense of security in a relationship, but the narcissist is not interested in healing and would rather invest their energy in obtaining narcissistic supply. Narcissists lack empathy and cannot understand others, making them a danger to those around them.


Somatic Narcissist: Not Sex, But Pursuit and Conquest

Somatic narcissists derive their narcissistic supply from the process of securing sex, rather than the act itself. They are often health freaks, bodybuilders, or hypochondriacs, and regard their bodies as objects to be sculpted and honed. The cerebral narcissist, on the other hand, is haughty and uses their intellect or knowledge to secure admiration. Both types are auto-erotic and prefer masturbation to interactive sex. It is a mistake to assume type constancy, as the narcissist swings between their dominant and recessive types.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
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