Hello Shoshanim, where have you been?
Coming to think of it, where have I been?
Okay, let's not deal with questions which are undecided.
Today we're going to discuss switching.
How the narcissist switches on you, how to cope with it, how to survive it, and what does it mean? Why does the narcissist switch?
Now, before I proceed, you are well advised to watch the previous video in the series. It is titled Signs of Switching in Narcissus and Borderlines. And this video is a continuation.
In this video we discuss the dynamics and strategies.
When you are faced with switching in a narcissist, what are you supposed to do? How to somehow manage the situation? Because it can well get out of hand.
Switching in both borderlines and narcissists is a sign of imminent danger. And I'm using the word danger judiciously.
The borderline decompensates and very often acts out. Acting out is reckless, sometimes violent.
The narcissist, on the other hand, can become a primary psychopath. Or worse. What's worse than a primary psychopath? Stay tuned.
My name is Sam Vaknin. I'm the author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited, the first book ever on narcissistic abuse. And I'm also a professor of clinical psychology to the great, great detriment and misfortune of my poor students around the world.
Okay. Now, I mentioned the video, again, titled Signs of Switching in Narcissus and Borderlines.
And I would just like to add two corrections and augmentations before we proceed to the topic of today's video.
In that video, the first one, I forgot to mention as one of the signs of imminent switching, switching that is looming and about to happen, about to occur. I forgot to mention hyperactivity.
So talkativity, hyperverbalizing, hyperreflexivity, which is a form of pse-psychosis, these are mentioned in the video. These are analyzed in depth in the video. The signs are very clear.
But the third sign is missing, or one of the signs actually, is missing, and that is hyperactivity.
When the narcissist or the borderline are about to switch, they become agitated. They fidget, they walk, they pace the room, they do all kinds of repetitive stereotypical movements, they become hyperactive, their attention span narrows dramatically.
That is followed by a period of subdued slow motion hesitant reactivity. This is the part that was missing in that video.
Another thing that's missing in that video is the fact that both borderline and narcissists are prone to switching owing to self-splitting defenses.
Self-splitting defenses.
What happens is they start to regard the previous state, the previous self-state, as all bad, and the new self-state is all good, which facilitates the transition from the previous state to the new state, facilitates, or makes possible, the switching. It restores egosyntony, I'm sorry, during the switching. It legitimizes the switching.
So these are the two amendments to the previous video. Otherwise, of course, it's a work of perfection because I made it.
And today we're going to discuss switching, more specifically, in narcissists and what to do about it.
There are three types of switching.
Reactive, endogenous and type switching.
Start with reactive when the narcissist is faced with narcissistic mortification.
In many, many cases, the narcissist switches on you.
To remind you, narcissistic mortification is when the narcissist is forced to wake up from his delusional, self-inflated, self-fantastic, grandiose self-perception and self-image. When the narcissist is confronted with his or her limitations, shortcomings, failures, humiliations, and when the narcissist therefore gets in touch with his or her own shame.
When this happens in public, in front of peers or people that the narcissist values, the mortification is extreme.
So this is narcissistic mortification. When the narcissist is confronted with a mirror and can no longer deny what he sees.
And what he sees is a creature, a being, an entity, which is far less than perfect, which is dysfunctional, which is limited, which is reasonable, ridiculous, and which has nothing to do with a godlike self-image or self-perception of the narcissist.
The grandiosity is undermined. This is mortification.
And then the narcissist may react by switching to another self-state and by doing so opening another venue or avenue for the grandiosity.
And the narcissist transitions from one self-state that has been shamed, that has been exposed, that has been humiliated, that has been revealed as weak and deficient and lacking and stupid and what have you.
The narcissist transitions from this contaminated, defaced self-state to a new self-state.
The new self-state is pristine. The new self-state is perfect. The new self-state is a second chance. It's a new start. It's a blank slate.
And the narcissist can safely self-aggrandize again. He can safely attribute to the new self-state, godlike qualities, divine impeccability, immaculateness, and perfection.
So switching is a mechanism of coping with mortification and it is intimately linked to the two solutions, known as the external solution and the internal solution.
To remind you, the external solution is, people are evil, they're out to get me, they envy me, they conspired against me, and they want to take me down and destroy me.
And so the switching in this case is from overt, grandiose narcissists to covert victimhood, covert victim type narcissists.
The internal solution is, I made it all happen. I was always in control. I played with people like puppets. I motivated them. I brainwashed them. I trained them to do what they've done.
And so after all, I'm still godlike. And in this case, there is no switching. There is simply a restoration or resuscitation or renewal of the grandiosity, the damaged grandiosity.
Okay? So this is a reactive type of switching.
Second type is endogenous. Endogenous switching.
It's when the narcissist experiences a prolonged period of collapse. The narcissist is unable to obtain narcissistic supply for prolonged periods of time.
In this particular case, there are internal psychodynamics, internal processes, they are not triggered by any external specific event or any specific person, external object. They're triggered from the inside.
It's a realignment. It's a kind of rearranging the mental furniture in order to yield self-supply.
So the endogenous switching involves transition from an external source or sources of narcissistic supply to a condition of continuous regulated self-supply.
And in this sense, the narcissist becomes more and more reclusive, more and more withdrawn, avoidant.
And again, it's a kind of transition from overt to a more covert state.
The third type is type switching.
Remember that in narcissists there's no type constancy in narcissism.
Cerebral narcissists become somatic, overt narcissists become covert, grandiose narcissists become schizoid, narcissists become prosocial narcissists. There's absolutely total fluidity in narcissism.
And this fluidity extends to, for example, sexual orientation. So many narcissists are bisexual or open to experiences or kinky or whatever.
So this fluidity is one of the core features, I would say, of pathological narcissism and unfortunately insufficiently recognized in the literature.
And it applies to type. There's no type consistency. The narcissist constantly flows, constantly transitions from one type to another to another to another in response to external stimuli and cues and to internal processes, for example, fluctuations in the sense of self-worth, a drop or an elevation in self-esteem, narcissistic elation, oceanic feelings, a biotic state at the beginning of the shared fantasy.
These are all internal processes and they lead to switching between types.
When the cerebral, for example, transitions to a somatic state, he embraces a shared fantasy where he imagines himself to be irresistible and attractive and so on so forth.
And this is an example of switching because the cerebral does not regard himself as irresistible and attractive, at least not sexually.
Switching is simply when one self-state takes over from another.
This is a metaphor, of course. No one has ever captured a self-state. No one has ever spoken to a self-state.
But it's a theory of internal psychodynamics and switching is simply the often seamless transition between self-states as each self-state takes over from others because it is much better suited to the environment and much more responsive to new challenges and changes.
So this is typically even in healthy people.
In the narcissists, the transition between self-states involves dissociation.
In other words, whereas with healthy people, there are no memory gaps or the memory gaps are minuscule or unnoticeable.
When there is a transition from one self-state to another, the continuity of memory and the sense of contiguity and continuity of identity are maintained.
The transition from one self-state to another in healthy people is not disjointed.
While in the narcissist, and in the borderline, by the way, same, the transition from one self-state to another is highly fragmented, highly disjointed, highly fractured or fractious, highly dissociative, so there are memory gaps in between, kind of amnesia amnesic gaps, and in borderline they may involve depersonalization and derealization.
So the switching between self-states in the case of the borderline is typically between a borderline self-state and a secondary psychopathic self-state.
In the narcissists, there's a transition between a narcissistic self-state to a borderline self-state or to a primary psychopathic self-state.
Let me explain.
The narcissist, when confronted with stress, with anxiety, with tension, with criticism, with disagreement, with humiliation, with shame, affects which are essentially negative and are intolerable, unbearable, affects that overwhelm the narcissists somehow, or the narcissistic defenses, and force the narcissists to confront reality, restore reality testing in a way, by getting rid of reality distortions such as grandiosity.
At that point, the narcissist begins to emotionally dysregulate. His emotions overwhelm him.
This could be negative emotions such as hatred, envy, rage, shame, this could be even positive emotions.
But he's overwhelmed in any case.
And at that particular point in the switching process of the narcissists he enters a borderline like or pseudo borderline state typified by emotional dysregulation, suicidal ideation, self-destructiveness, and so on.
When the narcissist is challenged and confronted head-on, when the narcissist senses threat, existential or otherwise, when the narcissist is humiliated and is a malignant narcissist.
In all these situations, the narcissist transitions to a primary psychopath. He becomes aggressive, he becomes reckless, he becomes defied, he becomes contumacious, despises authority. He holds everyone in contempt. He is gregarious, ruthless. He's callous. He's cruel and even sadistic.
So these are the two switching or switchable self-states: from narcissism via mortification to a borderline state and from narcissism via conflict to a primary psychopath.
It is important to understand that switching in narcissism is a far more profound phenomenon than in borderline.
Borderline personality disorders, switching is the outcome of the disintegration of the borderline's defenses, a process known as decompensation.
The borderline acts out because she has transitioned to another self-state. She had become, for example, a secondary psychopath.
So it's pretty superficial in borderline.
Although when the borderline switches is very visible, very ostentatious, very terrifying to some extent, the profundity, the depth of switching in the narcissists is far greater.
In the narcissists, switching fulfills ego functions, caters to psychological needs, and is a foundational psychodynamic.
Again, where switching in borderline is reactive, reactive to abandonment, to rejection, to fear, to anxiety, to stress, to tension, but it's reactive, it's superficial, it's temporary.
In the narcissists, switching is very essential.
First of all, the narcissists individuates internally via switching.
When the narcissist switches, it's not a surface phenomenon. He really changes, or she really changes. Half of all narcissists are women.
So they change. Narcissists change internally.
It's actually a process of self-destruction and self-reconstruction. It's a mega project.
And so even though switching may occur over in a limited period of time, a few minutes, let's say, what happens inside is very fundamental, very ubiquitous, very old, pervasive and very extensive.
The narcissist becomes a new person, but the narcissist's experience of the switching is a spiritual, if you wish, experience, an awakening, the emergence of the birth of a new person and the death of the old one.
Consequently it's easy to realize that switching involves self-directed aggression.
Freud and others said that it is a manifestation of the death drive, thanatic drive, thanatos, destrudo.
But switching is simply mental suicide and mental rebirth.
It's as if the narcissists retreats into an internalized womb, a uterus, then is born again via this very contraption within himself or herself.
Switching is therefore recreates the first two years of life the womb pregnancy being born and separation individuation becoming an individual by separating.
Only the narcissist separates from himself, he separates from the previous self-state, and he separates from introjects that were associated with the previous self-state, for example, maternal introjects.
That's why narcissists are much more likely to switch when they are in a shared fantasy because they have you a maternal figure and they can project onto you the internal conflict.
They can reenact this early childhood conflict via your presence and agency. You become an instrument, a prop, an element, and a catalyst in this process of self-discovery, self-reignation, and self-discovery and self-discovery nation.
Switching, therefore, is an integral management tool, or what we call a regulatory agency or an executive function or a regulatory function.
And so it's not something artificial or superficial or passing or transient or like in borderline.
The narcissist switches between internalized aggression and externalized aggression.
He first aggresses internally. He assumes a depressive position. He becomes suicidal. He destroys his previous self state.
For a minute he is left with nothing. This nothingness, this moment of nothingness represents the most profound form of dissociation imaginable, a state of being a black hole.
And then he has you. He latches onto you. He projects onto you. he involves you in the process of rebirth and reconstruction.
But at that point, he has pent up aggression which is threatening his life, his stability, his sense of internal safety.
And so what he does, he externalizes this aggression. He externalizes it, he projects it onto you.
So initially he is aggressive towards himself, and then when he wants to be reborn as another person, he needs to get rid of this aggression and he aggresses against you.
Switching therefore, always in narcissism, always involves abuse and other forms of aggression.
The role of dissociation is critical here because the narcissists doesn't feel guilty, doesn't feel remorse, doesn't feel shame, doesn't feel that he's doing anything wrong, simply because he has forgotten all about it.
And he has really forgotten all about it. He's not lying, he's not pretending, he has really forgotten all about it.
He has relegatedhis misbehavior and misconduct, his aggression, his abuse, he has relegated all this to the most distant, deep space recesses of his demented mind.
And so the role of dissociation in switching is supercritical.
The narcissist has a self-state he then dissociates he then uses aggression to regulate himself and everyone around him and he is then reborn, a new self-state is reborn and the new self-state is not burdened with any continuous memory or with any identity or with any sense of shame and remorse with any guilt because it's new, it's a newborn.
All this has to do also with narcissistic alignment.
Narcissistic alignment is when narcissists choose another narcissist to emulate, to imitate.
When a narcissist regards another narcissist as a role model, someone to follow, someone to be like, someone to be with, someone to listen to, someone to learn from.
This is narcissistic alignment.
The other narcissists, the role model could be contemporary, a life figure, could be historical, could even be a fictitious character.
It's a role model to be imitated and emulated.
Because this role model is a possible alternative self-state.
So sometimes narcissists switch by referring to other narcissists, by imitating other narcissists, by emulating, admiring, respecting other narcissists, by following other narcissists.
Other narcissists provide the narcissists with an example of another option, another alternative of being a narcissist.
It's like I'm a narcissist, this is me, this is my self-state.
Now let's look around. Let's see how other narcissists do it, how other narcissists manage their narcissism.
And then I pick someone.
It could be a public intellectual. It could be an entertainer. It could be a footballer. It could be a YouTuber. I pick an influencer. I pick someone who is also a narcissist.
And this someone presents another model, another option, another possibility of exercising my narcissism.
I adopt this as a solution and I become that person. I emulate, I become, I simulate even the other person.
It's a form of mimicrythat I simulate the other narcissists. I become that other narcissists because my strategy, my form of narcissism, has failed.
Now how to cope with all this?
Let's go back to the three types.
When you're confronted with reactive narcissism, remember reactive narcissism is a reactive switching, I'm sorry, reactive switching is a response to narcissistic mortification.
At that point, your only solution is to become passive.
If you're around the narcissist, as an intimate partner, as a friend, is a colleague, and so on, and there's no way for you to establish a no contact zone or a no contact period, you're forced to be in contact with the narcissist.
Just step back, become what I call background noise.
There's a video on this channel dedicated to the background noise strategy.
Become background noise and wait.
These are processes that are internal, any involvement of yours, any attempted feedback or, God forbid, try to help the narcissists, provide advice, or collaborate with the narcissist against others, or become the narcissist flying monkey.
These are bad ideas, bad, because there's no way of knowing, there's no way of predicting the ultimate self-state following the switching.
And that next self-state, that new self-state, may cast you as the enemy, may convert you into a persecutory object.
You don't want that.
So stay away. Hold back. Respond politely, unemotionally and minimally, and wait.
Next, reactive.
So this is reactive.
Next is endogenous switching.
Endogenous switching reflects a prolonged, protracted state of collapse.
In this case, you could try to moderate the switching or even prevent it altogether by supplying the narcissists, by fueling his internal regulation, by helping him to somehow regain a modicum of control over his sense of self-worth, for example.
So at that point, your only possible strategy is to become a source of narcissistic supply.
Even a minimal amount of narcissistic supply, a trifle, microscopic quantity is sufficient to restore the balance, the equilibrium, to push the narcissists into a homeostatic state and then he will not switch.
The last type, the last variant of switching is the type switching when the narcissist transitions from cerebral to somatic, covert to overt and so.
If your narcissist has been asexual and suddenly becomes hypersexual, then he has transitioned from cerebral to somatic. Pays attention to his body suddenly. He starts to fool around. If he's a man, he becomes a womanizer. If he's a woman, she becomes promiscuous.
So there's a transition here. You need to accept that this is a transitory state and that there is nothing you can do about it.
If you cannot live with the consequences, for example, if you cannot accept the narcissist's new infidelity, then walk away.
But otherwise, if for some reason you have to survive with the narcissist in the long term, you just have to accept it. These are transitional phases.
Similarly, when the somatic reverts to a cerebral state, he becomes asexual. So the sex in your life would evaporate, and the narcissist would enter a stage where he's utterly uninterested in sex, and in his body, body by the way he neglects himself personal hygiene everything it's a transitional state you have to wait it out if you can survive of course the consequences if you can live with them if they are you're not traumatized or hurt to the point that you can't take it anymore.
Similarly, when the narcissist transitions from overt to covert, is likely to become highly passive aggressive, very unpleasant to be with, constantly complaining and carping, very hostile, very paranoid.
On the other hand, when he transitions from covert to overt, he becomes grandiose, delusional, laughable, and so on.
He may become schizoid at any stage, then he would avoid you in the world and at large and everything. His life would constrict. He would withdraw and there will be the end of it. You've never seen him for a few months or whatever.
So all these type transitions are all temporary, are all transient because there is a dominant type and a recessive type. The dominant type always reasserts itself.
If a cerebral transitions to somatic, switches to somatic, there will be a switch back to the cerebral state, because the cerebral is the dominant type.
Similarly, a covert narcissist who suddenly becomes overt, would revert to being a covert narcissist because that's the dominant type.
Type switching is very temporary, sometimes days, sometimes months, on very rare occasion years.
And then there's kind of waking up and a reversion to the dominant type, which is also a form of switching.
It could be very disorienting and often is, but again, if you're forced to be with the narcissist, if you can't absolutely adopt a no contact strategy, this you just have to wait it out. Wait it out, support the narcissist, if, for example, is in need of narcissistic supply, participate in the shared fantasy.
Do not confront the narcissist. Do not criticize him. Do not undermine or expose or challenge his delusions. Do not try to educate him. Do not argue with him. Do not reason with him. do not interact with him to the best of your ability.
It's going to do no good.
Narcissists are pseudo-psychotic, they're delusional. It's a severe mental illness, severe, in many ways more severe than borderline.
So don't go there. Don't venture into this field of impossible outcomes. You will never win.
On the contrary, you may alienate the narcissists, you may become his enemy.
So just hold back. Be patient. Things will revert to normal. Normal, so to speak.
Okay, here is my turn to switchoff.