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If You Love a Narcissist, This is For You

Uploaded 8/7/2020, approx. 3 minute read

He is handsome, yet he is dead. His eyes are twin, infinite, dark tunnels, tunnels leading to the netherworld of his void, his emptiness, the howling winds in the corridors that lead to nothing but a hole of mirrors, reflection upon reflection, and you in there reflection as well.

And the twinkle in his irises, that is also a reflection, a reflection of your tears, and his smile ruptures his face, tears your heart apart, and you are reduced to smithereens, a frozen, grimaced scream in a surrealistic nightmare that once used to be a dream, as you recall, ever so vaguely.

He is an absence, he is chaos, he is unadulterated anguish, he is your shattered fantasy, he is your shattered life. He craves love, he craves intimacy, oh so he says, but then he pushes you away, enraged by your presumptuousness in offering him both.

And he fears hurt, he dreads pain and rejection and abandonment, and so he hurts you first. He busts in your agony and in your writhing, writhing, writhing.

He preemptively rejects and abandons you, renders you transparent, ethereal, less and less real by the minute, and you dissolve, and you dissolve in his distracted, faraway gaze, as he contemplates your insignificance, and your heart is broken, and your mind is splintered.

You shrivel like a plant as you inhale the toxic fumes of his non-being, his despondent and hopeless darkness, a miasmatic emanation, a life rejected, a night without dawn in his sunless, arctic days, in his cancer, circle of cancer.

And so frozen, frozen to your bones, to your marrow, to your essence, you shiver involuntarily and uncontrollably, his tremors, his earthquake in you, the aftershocks.

And the relationship with him, you know, you know it well, is a form of self-harm, self-mutilation, and yet, and yet, you cannot let go. He is death. He is demise by a thousand invisible paper cuts, and you are become eruptive, infuriated scar tissue.

You are a wound where a person used to exist.

Sometimes, and that's the reason that you're staying, sometimes he is an ephemeral little child, hearing lacrimos from behind the wall of torment that passes for his soul.

One eye, one eye behind the corner, the corner of your relationship.

Sometimes, sometimes, beautiful times, precious times, he is all hugs, all tender need, cuddling, and tucking in, and cheeks, and laughs, and the good times, and the good times of apparent love, and you fall for it, you want it so badly.

He wants it so badly.

So, you both acquiesce, and you both cooperate, and you both collaborate, and you both collude in this conspiracy, and it's not a theory.

And then he's gone. This moment recedes, remits, reverts, relapses. It's a shape-shifting and pregnant cloud behind the event horizon of his devouring black hole.

And he is penumbral. He is fleeting, he is an apparition, a remembrance of things past, the crumbling sepia dust of what could have been, the promise unkempt, unkempt.

It's an eerie, disembodied, dismembered dance, the music wafting, your former selves entwined.

And on and on you go, as the night wears thin, and the day refuses to embark.

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Codependent Love Story

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When Love Resembles Hate: Self-deception, Ambivalence, Dissonances

Love and hatred are fundamentally intertwined emotions, often perceived as opposites but actually representing two sides of the same coin. Both emotions create attachment and meaning in life, leading to ambivalence where individuals can simultaneously love and hate the same person or situation. This ambivalence generates various forms of dissonance, including cognitive, volitional, emotional, axiological, deontic, and attitudinal dissonance, which can result in anxiety and confusion. The inability to reconcile these conflicting feelings may indicate underlying mental health issues or dysfunctional relational patterns.


“Twin Flames” and Their “Empaths”: Danse Macabre

The current era is characterized by a pervasive culture of narcissism, where individuals seek validation through self-aggrandizing labels like "twin flame" and "empath." The concept of a twin flame often leads individuals to form unhealthy attachments with narcissists or psychopaths, who manipulate their perceptions through idealized mirroring, creating a false sense of self and dependency. This dynamic fosters a regression to an infantile state, where the twin flame becomes a surrogate parental figure, ultimately erasing personal boundaries and autonomy. The label of "empath" further complicates this relationship, as it reinforces grandiosity and detachment from reality, making individuals more susceptible to manipulation and control by their twin flame.


Fight Abandonment and Separation Anxiety

Codependent behaviors such as clinging and smothering are rooted in a deep fear of abandonment and separation. To overcome this, codependents must confront their anxieties through psychotherapy, medication, and self-help methods such as meditation and engaging in meaningful activities. Codependents should also adopt a scientific approach to their relationships, construct alternative hypotheses, and test them before making impulsive decisions. The longevity of long-term relationships lies in being transparent and expressing emotions and concerns honestly. Finally, codependents should prepare detailed contingency plans for every eventuality to reduce anxiety and gain control.


How Codependent Sees YOU (Intimate Partner)

The codependent views their intimate partner as essential for survival, expressing a deep reliance on them for emotional support and decision-making. This dependence manifests as emotional blackmail, where the codependent demands constant reassurance and validation, often sacrificing their own identity and autonomy in the process. Various types of codependency exist, including those driven by fears of abandonment, control, vicarious living through others, and counter-dependence, each with distinct behaviors and motivations. Ultimately, the codependent's need for connection leads to a cycle of clinginess and instability, often resulting in unhealthy relationship dynamics.


Hatebombing: Malignant Narcissist’s Inverted Shared Fantasy (Odd Couples Series)

Hate bombing is a phenomenon where narcissists initiate relationships by devaluing and humiliating their partners, contrasting with the more common love bombing approach. This behavior stems from the narcissist's need to establish superiority and reinforce the partner's feelings of inadequacy, often leading to a shared fantasy that is destructive and sadistic in nature. Malignant narcissists, characterized by their goal-oriented mindset, skip the idealization phase and directly pursue devaluation and discard, viewing relationships as power plays rather than emotional connections. The dynamics of these relationships reveal a complex interplay of grandiosity, emotional detachment, and a distorted perception of others as mere tools for achieving their own ends.


womanmotherNarcissist's Partner: Admire Me, Play with Me, Mother Me

Professor Sam Vaknin discusses the three stages of a narcissist's interaction with women: admirer, playmate, and mother. Narcissists are incapable of adult intimacy with women and instead seek a mother figure, as their only experience of intimacy with a woman was with their own mother. When women refuse to adopt the role of a mother, narcissists resent them and may push them away. Narcissists are more focused on possession and control than romantic jealousy, reacting like a child when their partner shows interest in other men.


Weak People Pleasers? Walk Away!

Weak character is often associated with unreliability and instability, leading individuals to engage in reckless and antisocial behavior due to their inability to assert boundaries. People pleasers, in particular, may enable the self-destructive tendencies of others, often mistaking their submissiveness for kindness or empathy. This weakness can stem from conditioning by needy parents or mental health issues, resulting in a cycle of self-loathing and harmful behaviors. Ultimately, it is advised to distance oneself from such individuals to protect one's own mental health and well-being, as their actions can lead to further victimization of those around them.


How to Overcome Obsessive Love Disorder

Obsessive love is a pathological and dysfunctional form of attachment that resembles addiction, characterized by an inability to escape the relationship despite its detrimental effects. It often stems from unresolved childhood conflicts and negative internalized voices, leading individuals to validate their feelings of unworthiness through unhealthy relationships. This type of love creates a cycle of mutual torment and emotional pain, where partners inflict harm on each other while seeking validation and connection. Ultimately, obsessive love is a self-destructive phenomenon that requires individuals to seek healing and self-awareness before pursuing new relationships.


Love Bombing YOU Into Narcissist's Shared Fantasy (with Dr. Christine Kuperman, Circles)

Love bombing initiates the shared fantasy, a compulsive and autonomous process where narcissists idealize their partners, creating an internal representation that is often fantastical and unrealistic. This idealization serves to fulfill the narcissist's psychological needs, converting the partner into a maternal figure and testing their unconditional love through various manipulative behaviors. Narcissists may employ different strategies, such as hypersexuality or hate bombing, to lure their partners into dependency, ultimately leading to devaluation and discard once the initial idealization fades. The dynamics of narcissism are further complicated by societal trends that increasingly normalize fantasy over reality, making individuals more susceptible to narcissistic manipulation. This shift is exacerbated by the pervasive influence of social media, which fosters isolation and detachment from genuine relationships.

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