Interpersonal Narcissist: Family and Relationships (ENGLISH responses, with Nárcisz Coach)

Uploaded 1/20/2020, approx. 4 minute read

So, now that we see, what does it mean globally?

Let's narrow it down a little bit.

What does a narcissistic person exist in a family?

I think in interpersonal relationships, family is one type of interpersonal relationship.

There are essentially two problems.

One is the zero-sum game and the other is the contagion effect.

So, zero-sum game simply means that the narcissist doesn't engage in intimacy or in building something, building a family.

The narcissist engages from the first date. The narcissist engages in a power play.

It's all about power. Who has the power? Who is right? Who is wrong? Who will dictate? Who will lead? Who will follow?

So, it's all about power. It's a constant contest and competition for power.

Of course, you can't build anything long-term or healthy on such a foundation because you need, of course, a power matrix in a relationship, but you also need collaboration. You need intimacy. You need common values.

Many other things. Power is not enough.

But for a narcissist, everything else, if it does exist and it rarely exists, but if it does exist, everything else is at the service of accumulating and exercising power.

So, for example, a narcissist could encourage intimacy, but he would encourage intimacy to have power over his partner. So, he would use the intimacy to blackmail his partner to give him services or concessions.

Or he could, for example, encourage collaboration, but he would encourage a collaboration so that he reaps the fruit of the collaboration, so that he benefits, so that he profits, not equally.

So, whatever happens, the narcissist will leverage whatever happens and whatever attributes of the relationship for his own gain and for control.

So, it's a power play.

That's the first insurmountable problem in the relationship.

The second problem is contagion.

The longer you live with a narcissist, the longer you collaborate with a narcissist, the longer you love the narcissist, the more narcissistic you become.

Extremely simple. It's an infectious disease. It's a pathogen.

It's not possible to spend time with a narcissist and psychopath, narcissistic, no psychopathic.

You find yourself doing the most amazing things that you would have never believed you could do. I don't know, lie, cheat. And you don't recognize yourself anymore. You have lost your identity. You don't know who you are anymore.

It's extremely disorienting, extremely. It's like you have acquired the narcissist identity somehow. It's body snatching. It's like a body snatching process.

And you feel that while before you had met a narcissist, you had very clear, strict boundaries. When you have lived with a narcissist for a while, you begin to dissolve. Your boundaries begin to be very fuzzy and you begin to dissolve, like diluting something in the liquid, like you're diluted, like ink in a liquid.

You feel like this ink drop in a liquid. You feel that you are, you know.

And so the contagion effect is a major problem because it not only alters your behavior and your reactance, the way you react, but it alters your identity, who you are, or at the very least, your self-perception or perception of your identity.

It's disorienting and dislocating to the point of depersonalization, derealization, and dissociation.

When we no longer know who we are and we feel our identity is threatened, we do three things.

We depersonalize. We suddenly feel that we are not we. We suddenly feel that we are disconnected from ourselves. We derealize. We feel that our reality is a kind of nightmare. It's not real. We feel like we are in some horror movie, you know.

And that is where gaslighting comes into play.

Because gaslighting is extremely effective precisely because the victim already has already a feeling that reality is not real, that it's a horror movie. That's why gaslighting lighting works, because the victim is already disoriented.

And the third reaction, which is by far the most common, is dissociation, forgetting things, lapses in memory, deleting traumas, deleting sins, suppressing, and so on.

So the contagion effect also has an effect on memory, continuity, identity. It's a major effect.

It's not like, okay, if I live with the narcissist, I start to lie, which is bad enough.

That's not the issue. This is a small issue.

If I live with the narcissist, I start to not be. That's much more serious problem.

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The narcissist lives in a world of ideal beauty, achievements, wealth, and success, denying his reality. The partner is perceived as a source of narcissistic supply, and the narcissist pathologizes and devalues them to rid themselves of guilt and shame. Moving on from a narcissistic relationship involves acknowledging and accepting painful reality, educating oneself, and gaining emotional sustenance, knowledge, support, and confidence. Forgiving is important, but it should not be a universal behavior, and no one should stay with a narcissist.

Loving My Narcissist HURTS so much!

Loving a narcissist is a painful experience due to their lack of empathy, idealization followed by devaluation, and inability to truly connect with their partner. The narcissist's inaccessibility and indifference can be devastating, as they often discard their partners without any emotional reaction. This experience can leave the partner feeling shattered, questioning their own judgment and ability to trust themselves and others. Ultimately, the pain of loving a narcissist comes from grieving the loss of who they used to be and the potential of what could have been in the relationship.

When Narcissists Become Codependents

Living with a narcissist can be harrowing, and the partner of the narcissist is often molded into the typical narcissist mate, partner, or spouse. The partner must have a deficient or distorted grasp of herself and of reality, and the cognitive distortion of the partner of the narcissist is likely to consist of belittling and demeaning herself while aggrandizing and adoring the narcissist. The narcissist is perceived by the partner to be a person in the position to demand these sacrifices from her. The breakup of the relationship with the narcissist is emotionally charged and is the culmination of a long chain of humiliations and subjugation.

Narcissist's Insignificant Other: Typical Spouse or Intimate Partner

Living with a narcissist can be exhilarating, but it is always onerous and often harrowing. Surviving a relationship with a narcissist, maintaining a relationship, preserving it, insisting on remaining with a narcissist, indicates therefore the parameters of the personality of the victim, of the partner, of the spouse. The partner, the spouse, and the mate of a narcissist who insists on remaining in the relationship and preserving it is molded by it into the typical narcissistic mate, spouse, or partner. The two, the narcissist and his spouse, collaborate in this dance macabre.

Can Narcissist Truly Love?

Narcissists are incapable of true love, but they do experience some emotion which they insist is love. Narcissists love their significant others as long as they continue to provide them with attention, or narcissistic supply. There are two types of narcissistic love: one type loves others as one would get attached to objects, while the other type abhors monotony and constancy, seeking instability, chaos, upheaval, drama, and change. In the narcissist's world, mature love is nowhere to be seen, and their so-called love is fear of losing control and hatred of the very people on whom their personality depends.

Can You Love the Narcissist and Rescue Him?

Victims of narcissists often resort to fantasies and self-delusions to cope with their pain, believing that they can rescue the narcissist from their misery and misfortune. However, loving a narcissist is difficult, and any attempt to relate to them emotionally is doomed to failure. Narcissists are addicts in pursuit of gratification through the drug known as narcissistic supply, and they hone in on potential suppliers like cruise missiles. Victims of narcissists can become bitter and self-centered, lacking in empathy, and become more like the narcissist over time.

Your Role in Narcissist’s Shared Fantasy is Why He Hates You (hint: you make him feel himself – and human)

In summary, the narcissist's intimate partner plays a crucial role in the shared fantasy by fulfilling the roles of admirer, playmate, and mother. This allows the narcissist to experience maximal grandiosity and feel safe enough to separate and individuate. However, the intimate partner's presence also leads to the narcissist's self-hatred and inability to maintain meaningful communication with both the outside world and himself. The intimate partner ultimately becomes a threat to the narcissist, as they make the narcissist feel human, which is something the narcissist does not want to be.

Social Distancing: Isolation with the Narcissist

Social isolation with a narcissist can be compared to a hostage situation, with the victim experiencing trauma bonding. In this situation, the narcissist becomes paranoid and develops a need for control, which is displaced onto their spouse or intimate partner. The narcissist's frustration at being unable to obtain narcissistic supply and loss of control can lead to aggression, which can take many forms. The only technique that may work in this situation is background noise, but even this has a limited shelf life, and there is a risk of an epidemic of domestic violence.

Giving Narcissist Second Chance

Narcissists do not provide closure in relationships and will stalk, cajole, beg, promise, persuade, and ultimately succeed in doing the impossible to get you back. The narcissist will cast all interactions with you in terms of conflicts or competitions to be won. If you have resumed contact because you are manifestly dependent on the narcissist financially or emotionally, the narcissist will pounce on your frailty and exploit your fragility to the maximum. Ultimately, the narcissist will write the inevitable cycle of idealization and devaluation.

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Professor Sam Vaknin discusses the three stages of a narcissist's interaction with women: admirer, playmate, and mother. Narcissists are incapable of adult intimacy with women and instead seek a mother figure, as their only experience of intimacy with a woman was with their own mother. When women refuse to adopt the role of a mother, narcissists resent them and may push them away. Narcissists are more focused on possession and control than romantic jealousy, reacting like a child when their partner shows interest in other men.

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