Loving Yourself in the Narcissist's Hall of Mirrors (ENGLISH responses, with Nárcisz Coach)

Uploaded 1/21/2020, approx. 6 minute read

If the narcissist takes away the whole of mirrors, you will not see yourself anymore, and you will not be able to love yourself anymore.

So you need the whole of mirrors. You become addicted to the whole of mirrors. Every morning you enter the whole of mirrors, you see yourself here, and here, and here, and you fall in love again, every morning.

And he has the power to shut off the whole of mirrors, to take it away. He has total power over you.

This is why loving a narcissist is an utterly immersive and addictive process. It's like some kind of virtual reality, but very high-level virtual reality, what we call immersive virtual reality, where we feel that we're inside the world, inside that virtual world.

But none of it would have worked if the victim had self-love to start with. If the victim loved herself to start with, she wouldn't, she wouldn't need the mirrors. The mirrors would not work. She would immediately identify that it's self-love and not real love, and she would walk away.

Therefore, the victims of narcissists, when I say victims, I mean someone who fell in love, cannot fall out of love, is addicted, stalking, obsessed, this kind of victims.

And the victims who have malignant optimism, the belief that if they only love the narcissist, if they only invest, if they only cure the narcissist, if they only convince him to go to therapy, if they only love him unconditionally, everything would be okay. They would fix the fixers, the ones who fix the narcissist, the total nonsensical delusion.

But these type of victims, they never had self-love to start with.

Narcissists, a relationship with a narcissist is their first experience at self-love, which is utterly addictive. At a late age, it's very addictive.

So, because they don't have this experience of self-love, they have an emptiness, exactly like the narcissist is the emptiness, but they have an emptiness. They have a hole. It is through this hole that the narcissist enters. That's the penetration point.

And it's not one. It's a metaphorical mental hole. Through this mental hole, the narcissist penetrates, intrudes, invades, and colonizes. Colonizes is a parasite. Narcissist is a parasite, like in palisitology, like in medicine. It's a parasite invades the body and colonizes it.

But there must be a hole. A woman without the hole is not amenable to the narcissist. His child is magic, but not work. She must have a hole. She must have a lack of self-love, lack of self-awareness, and she must allow the narcissist to be the agent of her own self-discovery.

In this, ironically, a relationship with a narcissist is a form of therapy, or even a psychotherapy. It's a form of therapy because it is through the narcissist, she becomes much more self-aware and develops self-love, experiences self-love.

The only problem is, the only problem is that she cannot continue with these very positive developments except through the agency of the narcissist. In other words, he becomes her pusher, her supplier. Without him, she cannot obtain the drug of self-love or continue her self-awareness.

That's the only problem. Otherwise, I would have said that ironically, having a relationship with the narcissist is actually a positive thing. This forces you to become self-aware, forces you to love yourself, and forces you to protect yourself, to defend yourself, finally to stand up for yourself just in order to survive.

So normally, it's actually a positive therapeutic experience, but it creates addiction on the narcissist.

And the narcissist, being a parasite, colonizes your brain, your mind, and then it's very difficult to get rid of it.

These are the negative aspects.

So the narcissist, a narcissist is a bad therapist. It's a therapist who abuses the patient, kind of.

By the way, many narcissists openly would say, I'm going to heal you. I'm going to cure you. I'm like your doctor here. I'm like your guru. I'm your guru. Listen to me. I'm going to teach you. I will lead you.

They play the part of the teacher, the guru, the therapist, in order to penetrate.

So, this is more of a lesson.

You usually mention in your videos that it's a dance macabre. How can we get out of this game and break this cycle?

My very good friend Joanna Scarr, who was the first psychologist to notice the resonance of pathologies between victim and narcissist, in 1983, she wrote the book, The Narcissistic Borderline Couple, which was the first book ever on pathological resonance. And she said that narcissists and their intimate partners or victims, their emptinesses resonate, their pathologies resonate.

They said that the rest, she said the rest of the dimension of personality don't interact. Just the pathologies, just the pain, just the trauma, just the hurt, just the void, just the emptinesses.

And the second edition of the book, it's a brilliant groundbreaking book. So, she was the first one to notice. It's a huge problem. It's a very big problem.

The rate of recidivism, in other words, the rate of going back to another narcissistic partner is extremely high among victims. Victims who've been traumatized beyond words, lost all their money, ended up in jail, drug addiction, ruined lives, lost their children, and so on, again go to a narcissistic partner.

Unstoppable. In this sense, the rate of recidivism among victims of narcissistic abuse from my anecdotal research, but it's not small.

My database is huge. The rate of recidivism I can compare only to alcoholism, even worse than drugs. As in drugs, we have about 60%. Alcohol, we have about 80% in the first year. So, alcohol is the worst.

To get rid of alcoholism is the worst addiction. It's much easier, for example, to get rid of heroin and alcohol. And above alcohol are these toxic relationships.

The victims of narcissists keep choosing narcissists because the experience of loving a narcissist, in other words, loving yourself, is incomparable. Nothing comes close to it.

The world looks dead, blank and white, and hopeless, and dreamless without it. Getting to love yourself erotically, sexually, and romantically, because it's not a typical self-love. It's not a healthy self-love. It's a healthy self-love, where you have a core, you know yourself, and you parentify yourself. You act as your own parent. Yes, you give unconditional love, support, advice, guidance to yourself. That's a healthy self-love. The self-love that I'm talking about with narcissists is very sick. It's much closer, I would say, to incest. It's making love to yourself, also sexually, also erotically.

So, it's an indescribable experience of being in love with yourself, not only in the healthy sense, but also in the totally sexualized, eroticized, fetishized sense. In other words, you become your own fetish. It's a form of fetishism. It is an experience, the likes of which I am not aware of in any other human interaction. It's absolutely mind-boggling, a mind-blowing experience. And once you have gone through it, once you've gone through it, it's very difficult to go back to the normal world. Very difficult.

Normal world feels dead, simply. Narcissism somehow makes you feel alive. It's what is sick, or what is eroticism. It's a force of life, of course. It's a force of procreation. It's a force of making new life. You feel very alive when, through the narcissists, you love yourself in every possible way.

So, it's a wow experience. Where else can you find it?

And so, you try. You try very hard. You date normal guys. They are there. So, support me.

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Can You Love the Narcissist and Rescue Him?

Victims of narcissists often resort to fantasies and self-delusions to cope with their pain, believing that they can rescue the narcissist from their misery and misfortune. However, loving a narcissist is difficult, and any attempt to relate to them emotionally is doomed to failure. Narcissists are addicts in pursuit of gratification through the drug known as narcissistic supply, and they hone in on potential suppliers like cruise missiles. Victims of narcissists can become bitter and self-centered, lacking in empathy, and become more like the narcissist over time.

N-Magnet: Narcissist's Ideal Victim?

Narcissists are not drawn to empathic, sensitive people, but rather repelled by them. Victims of narcissistic abuse come in all shapes, sizes, professions, genders, and ages, and there is no specific profile. People should not think of themselves as a "narcissist magnet" and instead review their life in detail to see that they have control over their destiny and can learn from their experiences. Bed relationships, no matter how harrowing, are opportunities to learn lessons.

Narcissists Hate Love

Narcissists hate being told "I love you" because it threatens their sense of uniqueness, they believe love is an all-consuming and dangerous pursuit, and they know deep down that they are a con artist and a fraud. They also hate seeing love demonstrated between others, such as a spouse and children, and view it as an assault on their emotional welfare and balance. Attempting to cure a narcissist with love and acceptance is futile, as only a severe narcissistic injury or life crisis can bring about transformative healing.

Can Narcissist Truly Love?

Narcissists are incapable of true love, but they do experience some emotion which they insist is love. Narcissists love their significant others as long as they continue to provide them with attention, or narcissistic supply. There are two types of narcissistic love: one type loves others as one would get attached to objects, while the other type abhors monotony and constancy, seeking instability, chaos, upheaval, drama, and change. In the narcissist's world, mature love is nowhere to be seen, and their so-called love is fear of losing control and hatred of the very people on whom their personality depends.

Loving My Narcissist HURTS so much!

Loving a narcissist is a painful experience due to their lack of empathy, idealization followed by devaluation, and inability to truly connect with their partner. The narcissist's inaccessibility and indifference can be devastating, as they often discard their partners without any emotional reaction. This experience can leave the partner feeling shattered, questioning their own judgment and ability to trust themselves and others. Ultimately, the pain of loving a narcissist comes from grieving the loss of who they used to be and the potential of what could have been in the relationship.

How Narcissist's Victims Deceive Themselves

Narcissists cannot be cured and are a threat to those around them. Victims of narcissists often confuse shame with guilt and attribute remorsefulness to the narcissist when they are actually feeling shame for failing. Narcissists are attracted to vulnerable people who offer them a secure source of narcissistic supply. Healing is dependent on a sense of security in a relationship, but the narcissist is not interested in healing and would rather invest their energy in obtaining narcissistic supply. Narcissists lack empathy and cannot understand others, making them a danger to those around them.

Narcissist's Reactions to Abandonment, Separation, and Divorce

Narcissistic abusers often resort to self-delusion when faced with the dissolution of a meaningful relationship. They may adopt a masochistic avoidance solution, punishing themselves for their failure, or construct a delusional narrative in which they are the hero. Some may become antisocial psychopaths, while others develop persecutory delusions and withdraw completely from social contact, becoming schizoids. Finally, some abusers resort to an aggressive stance, becoming verbally, psychologically, and sometimes physically abusive towards loved ones.

Mourning the Narcissist

Victims of narcissistic abuse often struggle to let go of the idealized figure they fell in love with at the beginning of the relationship. When the relationship ends, they experience a cycle of bereavement and grief, including denial, rage, sadness, and acceptance. Denial can take many forms, including pretending the narcissist is still part of their lives or developing persecutory delusions. Rage can be directed at the narcissist, other facilitators of the loss, oneself, or be pervasive. Sadness is a paralyzing sensation that slows one down and enshrouds everything in the grave veil of randomness and chance. Gradual acceptance leads to renewed energy and the narcissist being transformed into a narrative, another life experience, or even a tedious cliché.

Spot a Narcissist or a Psychopath on Your First Date

There are warning signs to identify abusers and narcissists early on in a relationship. One of the first signs is the abuser's tendency to blame others for their mistakes and failures. Other signs include hypersensitivity, eagerness to commit, controlling behavior, patronizing and condescending manner, and devaluing the partner. Abusers may also idealize their partner, have sadistic sexual fantasies, and switch between abusive and loving behavior. Paying attention to body language can also reveal warning signs.

Coping Styles: Narcissist Abuses "Loved" Ones Despite Abandonment Anxiety

Narcissists abuse their loved ones to decrease their abandonment anxiety, restore their sense of grandiosity, and test their partner's loyalty. Abuse also serves as a form of behavior modification, as it signals to the partner that they need to modify their behavior to avoid abuse. Coping styles for dealing with abuse include submissiveness, conflicting, mirroring, collusion, and displacement, but some of these styles can be harmful and should be avoided.

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