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Narcissist Hates His Disabled, Sick, and Challenged Children

Uploaded 7/11/2015, approx. 6 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.


What happens when the narcissist becomes a father or a mother to a disabled child, a challenged child, intellectually or otherwise, or a sick child, chronically ill, weak and frail?

The narcissist regards his disabled or challenged child as an insult, a direct challenge to his self-perceived perfection and omnipotence, a constant nagging reminder and source of negative narcissistic supply, and the reification and embodiment of a malevolent and hostile world which tirelessly conspires to render the narcissist a victim through misfortune and catastrophe.

The precarious foundations of the narcissist's false self and therefore his ability to function are undermined by this miscegenation. Relentlessly challenged by his defective offspring's very existence and by the persistence of its attendant painful reminders, the narcissist lashes out, acts out, seeking to persecute and penalize the sources of his excruciating frustration, the child and his mother.

The narcissist holds the mother responsible for this failure, not himself. She brought this shame and perturbation into his otherwise fantastic and orderly life. It was she who gave issue to this newfound fulfillment, this permanent reminder of fallibility, imperfection, mortality, impotence, guilt, disgrace and fear.

To rectify this wrong, to restore the interrupted balance and to firmly regain an assured sense of self-brandiosity, the narcissist resorts to devaluation. He humiliates, belittles and demeans both the unfortunate child and his suffering mother. The narcissist compares their failings unfavorably to his own wholeness. He berates and mocks the child and his mother for the combined disability, frailty, weakness, meekness and resourcelessness. He transforms them into the captive parts of his unbridled sadism and the cowed adherings of a cult-like shared psychosis. Serves them well for having thus ruined his life, figures the narcissist.

Fasting himself outwardly as a compassionate proponent of tough love, the narcissist eggs his charges on mercilessly. He contrasts the slowness with his self-imputed illacrity, their limitations with his infinite grasp, their mediocrity with his genius and acuity, their defeats with his triumphant life, real or imagined. He harps on and leverages their insecurities and he displays his hateful contempt for this mother-child dire with a fiery vengeance whenever he is confronted, criticized or resisted. The narcissist may even turn violent in order to enforce the discipline of his distorted worldview and delusional exigencies of reality.

By reducing the child, by confronting the mother, the narcissist feels elevated yet again. Bonding and attachment in infancy are critical determinants and predictors of well-being in adulthood.

A small minority of children are born, indeed, with dysfunctions, such as attention, hyperactivity, deficit disorder or Asperger's disorder or some other kind of autism. These dysfunctions prevent the children from properly bonding with or attaching to a primary caregiver. Environmental factors such as an unstable home, parental absenteeism or a disintegrating family unit also play a role and can lead to the emergence of reactive attachment disorder, RAD.

Totals, adapt to this sterile and hostile emotional landscape by regressing to an earlier phase of unbridled, self-sufficient and solipsistic primary narcissism.

Disabled and challenged children of narcissistic parents may well end up being narcissists themselves – a sad but inescapable irony.

Narcissistic parents of seriously ill children derive narcissistic supply from onlookers, friends, family, colleagues and community, and they do that by attracting attention to their role as saintly caretakers, selfless and sacrificial.

They are demonstratively and ostentatiously patient, compassionate, suffering heroically and dedicated to the child, its welfare and ultimate healing. They flaunt the child's sickness as a kind of a hard-walled but well-deserved medal, down in the trenches with a tortured offspring doing desperate battle with a pitiless enemy, the disease.

It is an intoxicating part in the unfolding film that is the narcissist's line.

But this irresistible craving for attention should be demarcated from the sinister affliction colloquially known as Minkhausen Bitroxi Syndrome.

Patients afflicted with a factitious disorder colloquially known as Minkhausen Syndrome seek to attract the attention of medical personnel by feigning or by self-inflicting serious illness or injury.

Minkhausen Bitroxi Syndrome, factitious illness or disorder by proxy or imposed by another, or fabricated or induced illness by contrivance, there are many names.

Well, this disorder involves the patient inducing illness in or causing injury to a dependent child, an old parent. And they do this in order to gain in their capacity as caretakers, the attention, praise and sympathy of medical care providers.

Both syndromes Minkhausen and Minkhausen Bitroxi are forms of shared psychosis, fully adieu or fully apluze, forms of crazy making with hospital staff as unwilling and unwitting participants in the drama.

Superficially, this overwhelming need for consideration by figures of authority and role models, doctors, nurses, clergy, social workers, this resembles the narcissist relentless and coercive pursuit of narcissistic supply, which also consists of attention, adulation, admiration, being feared, noted, etc.

But despite the superficial similarities, there are some important differences.

To start with, narcissist, especially the somatic variety, worships his body and cherishes his health. If anything, narcissist tend to be hypochondriants. They are known to self-harm and self-mutilate, let alone fake laboratories and consume potentially deleterious, militarily sinister substances and medications. They are also unlikely to seriously damage their sources of supply, for instance, their children, as long as they are confined, of course, and adulating.

As opposed to narcissist, people with both Mid-Housen syndromes desire acceptance. They seek love, caring, relationships and nurturing, not merely tension.

The landscape of the Mid-Housen disorder and Mid-Housen by proxy disorder, patients, is emotional. And they have emotional deeds that amount to more than the mere regulation of their sense of self-worth.

In other words, they look for more than attention, while narcissists are looking only for attention.

People with Mid-Housen have no full-fledged false self, unlike the narcissist. There's only a clinging, insecure, traumatized, deceitful and needy true self.

Mid-Housen syndrome may be comorbid, but it can be diagnosed with personality disorders.

Though in both cases, the patients are illogical liars, schizoid, paranoid, hypervigilant and aggressive, there are still massive differences between people who are diagnosed only with personality disorders and those who are comorbid with Mid-Housen.

While narcissists are indiscriminate and promiscuous when it comes to their sources of narcissistic supply, anyone will do.

Patients with Mid-Housen syndrome derive emotional nurturers, assessments, mainly from health care practitioners.

So we should not confuse the two mental health categories.

Still, in all these cases, the child is a prop in the adult theater of life. He is a pivot. He is abused. And when it becomes autonomous, when it becomes critical, discard him.

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Narcissist: No Custody, No Children!

Parents diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder should be denied custody and granted only restricted rights of visitation and care under supervision, according to Professor Sam Vaknin. Narcissists regard children as sources of narcissistic supply and can be abusive, putting children at risk of emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Narcissistic parents can also use control mechanisms to sustain the illusion that the child is a part of them, which can be emotionally turbulent for the child. The child is the ultimate secondary source of narcissistic supply, and the narcissist's love is conditional upon the supply of narcissistic supply.


Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Narcissistic mothers can have a significant impact on their adult daughters' relationships, with children of narcissistic parents being ill-adapted and prone to deploying psychological defense mechanisms. They can become co-dependent, needy, demanding, and submissive, fearing abandonment and displaying immature behaviors. Some children of narcissistic parents become inverted narcissists, craving relationships with narcissists, while others become counterdependent or even narcissists themselves. Narcissistic mothers micromanage their child's life and encourage dependent and infantile behaviors, emotionally blackmailing them and threatening to disinherit them if they do not comply with their wishes.


Narcissist Father: Save Your Child

Parents who are worried about their children becoming narcissists under the influence of a narcissistic parent should stop trying to insulate their children from the other parent's influence. Instead, they should make themselves available to their children and present themselves as a non-narcissistic role model. Narcissistic parents regard their children as a source of narcissistic supply and try to control their lives through guilt-driven, dependence-driven, goal-driven, and explicit mechanisms. The child is the ultimate secondary source of narcissistic supply, and the narcissistic parent tries to perpetuate the child's dependence using control mechanisms. The narcissistic parent tends to produce another narcissist in some of their children, but this outcome can be effectively countered by loving, empathic, predictable, just, and positive upbringing, which encourages a


Narcissists Hate Children and Envy Them

Narcissists hate children because they envy them. Children's feigned innocence, manipulation, and lack of empathy are disarming in their directness. Narcissists see children as both mirrors and competitors, reflecting their constant need for adulation and attention. Children are loved by mothers, which makes narcissists jealous and infuriated by their deprivation. Narcissists hate children for being them.


Narcissist's Family

Narcissists perceive new family members, including siblings, children, and even pets, as threats to their narcissistic supply. They may belittle, hurt, or humiliate them, or retreat into an imaginary world of omnipotence. Some narcissists seek to manipulate new family members to monopolize attention and vicariously obtain narcissistic supply. As siblings or offspring grow older and become critical, the narcissist devalues and discards them, feeling stifled and trapped. The family disintegrates, and the cycle begins anew with the arrival of new family members.


Giving Narcissist Second Chance

Narcissists do not provide closure in relationships and will stalk, cajole, beg, promise, persuade, and ultimately succeed in doing the impossible to get you back. The narcissist will cast all interactions with you in terms of conflicts or competitions to be won. If you have resumed contact because you are manifestly dependent on the narcissist financially or emotionally, the narcissist will pounce on your frailty and exploit your fragility to the maximum. Ultimately, the narcissist will write the inevitable cycle of idealization and devaluation.


Money: Narcissist's License to Abuse

Money is a love substitute for the narcissist, allowing them to be their corrupt selves and buy absolution, forgiveness, and acceptance. It is a license to sin and a permit to be unmitigated self. Money liberates the mind of the narcissist, allowing them to concentrate on attaining the desired position on top. The narcissist is addicted to money because it is the freedom not to behave in a way that is unbearable to them in the long run.


Golden Child and Scapegoat Black Sheep: Narcissistic Parent's Projected Splitting

Narcissistic parents often cultivate their children as sources of narcissistic supply, with the golden child being idolized and the scapegoat child being neglected and even abused. This discriminatory behavior is due to the narcissistic parent's projected splitting, which involves the inability to integrate contradictory qualities of the same object into a coherent picture. The narcissistic parent splits their personality into good and bad traits and projects the good aspects onto the golden child while projecting the bad aspects onto the scapegoat child. This pattern of behavior becomes lifelong and can lead to emotional incest and even outright incest.


Deprogram the Narcissist in Your Mind

Narcissists play the role of a good enough mother, adopting a maternal role and idealizing their victims. They regress their victims to infancy, merging and fusing with them, eliminating their individuality and appropriating their individuality. The narcissist creates an introject, an internal representation of the victim, which is muted and spews out words attributed to the introject by the narcissist. The victim has an introject of the narcissist in their head, which is fully active and talks a lot, becoming a second, harsh, sadistic inner critic. The current advice to recognize and embrace victimhood is counterproductive, as it freezes the emergent roles allocated by the narcissist, and the locus of control remains in the narcissist's hands. Victims need to extricate


Love Your Narcissist? Make Him Stay, Depend on You (Tips, Resolutions)

In a relationship with a narcissist, it is important to know what not to do and what to do to maintain the relationship. Avoid disagreeing, contradicting, or criticizing the narcissist, and never offer intimacy or challenge their self-image. To make the narcissist dependent on you, listen attentively, agree with everything they say, offer something unique, be patient, and be emotionally and financially independent. It is also crucial to know yourself and set personal boundaries, treating yourself with dignity and demanding respect from others. If the relationship becomes abusive, consider going no-contact and ending the relationship for your own well-being.

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