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Narcissist: I Love to be Hated and I Hate to be Loved

Uploaded 1/15/2014, approx. 4 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

I love to be hated and I hate to be loved. If I had to distill my quotidian existence in two pithy sentences, these would be they.

I love to be hated and I hate to be loved.

Being feared imbues me with an intoxicating sensation of omnipotence. I am veritably inebriated by the looks of horror or repulsion on people's faces.

They know that I am capable of anything. They know that I am godlike, ruthless, devoid of scribbles, capricious, unfathomable, emotionless, asexual, omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent.

I am like a plague, a devastation, an inescapable verdict.

I nurture my ill repute, stoking it and fanning the flames of gossip. My notoriety is an enduring asset.

Hate and fear are sure generators of attention.

It is all about narcissistic supply, of course, the drug which we the narcissists consume and which consumes us in turn.

So I attack sadistically. I make sure everyone knows about my eruptions. I purvey only the truth and nothing but the truth, but I tell it bluntly in an orgy of evocative Baroque English sadistically.

The blind rage that this induces in the targets of my vitriolic diatribes provokes in me a surge of satisfaction, an inner tranquility not obtainable by any other means.

I like to think about their pain, of course, but that is the lesser part of the equation, the pleasure that I derive from inflicting pain.

The other part of the equation, equally important, is my horrid future, an inescapable punishment.

It carries an irresistible appeal like some strain of alien virus. It infects my better judgment and I succumb.

In general, my weapon is the truth and human propensity to avoid it and deny it and suppress it.

Intactless bridging of every etiquette and netiquette, my chest eyes and haught and snub and shun and offer opprobrium, a self-proclaimed Jeremiah, my hector and harangue from my many self-made outfits.

I understand the prophets of the Bible. I understand Tokwemada.

I bask in the incomparable pleasure of being right. I derive my grandiose superiority from the contrast between my righteousness and the human fallibility of others.

I attain the high moral ground, but it is not even that simple.

It never is with narcissism.

Fostering public revolt and the inevitable ensuing social sanctions fulfills two other psychodynamic goals.

The first one I alluded to.

It is the burning desire, my need to be punished.

In the grotesque mind of the narcissist, his punishment is equally his vindication.

By being permanently on trial, the narcissist claims the high moral ground in the position of the market.

He is understood, discriminated against, unjustly roughed, outcast by his very towering genius or other outstanding qualities.

To conform to the cultural stereotype of the tormented artist, the narcissist provokes his own suffering.

He is thus validated.

His grandiose fantasies acquire a modicum of substance.

He says, if I were not so special, they wouldn't have persecuted me so.

My own persecution is proof of my own uniqueness.

The persecution of the narcissist is his uniqueness.

He must be different for better or for worse. The streak of paranoia embedded in the narcissist makes the outcome inevitable.

He is in constant conflict with lesser beings, with his spouse, his shrink, his boss, his colleagues, his neighbors.

He is forced to stoop to their intellectual level.

He feels like a gulliver, a giant, strapped by lily cushions.

His life is a constant struggle against the self-contented mediocrity of his surroundings.

This is his fate, which he accepts, though never stoically.

It is the narcissist's calling, a mission and a recurrence in his stormy life.

Deeper still, the narcissist has an image of himself as a worthless, bad and dysfunctional extension of others.

In constant need of narcissistic supply, the narcissist feels humiliated by his addiction.

Contrast between his cosmic fantasies and the reality of his dependence, neediness, clinging and often failure.

This discrepancy, which I call the grandiosity gap, is an emotionally harrowing experience. It is a constant background noise of devilish, demeaning laughter. The voices in his head say, you are a fraud, you are a zero, you are nothing and you deserve nothing.

If only they knew how worthless you were, who you are.

The narcissist attempts to silence these tormenting voices, not by fighting them, but actually by agreeing with them, unconsciously and sometimes consciously.

He says to them, I do agree with you. I'm bad, I'm worthless, I'm deserving of the most severe punishment for my rotten character, bad habits, addiction and constant fraud. That is my life. I will go out, I will seek my doom. Now that I have complied, will you leave me be? Will you leave me alone? Will you let me leave?

And of course, the voices never do.

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Faces of Narcissist's Aggression

Narcissists possess a grandiose sense of self-importance and believe in their unique mission, often viewing their lives as significant narratives meant for future documentation. They expect others to recognize their entitlement and comply with their needs, leading to frustration and aggression when the world does not accommodate them. This aggression can manifest in various forms, including passive-aggressive comments disguised as helpful advice, which serve to inflict emotional harm. Ultimately, narcissists harbor deep-seated hostility and resentment, making their interactions potentially harmful to those around them.


Narcissist Has No Friends

Narcissists treat their friends like Watson and Hastings, who are obsequious and unthreatening, and provide them with an adulating gallery. Narcissists cannot empathize or love, and therefore have no real friends. They are interested in securing narcissistic supply from narcissistic supply sources. The narcissist overvalues people when they are judged to be potential sources of supply, and devalues them when no longer able to supply him, ultimately leading to the alienation and distancing of people.


Narcissist Re-idealizes Discarded Sources of Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists maintain discarded sources of supply in a mental reserve and may seek them out when other options are unavailable, attempting to recycle these sources for validation. To reconnect with a devalued source, they must re-idealize it without admitting past mistakes, creating a narrative that reconciles their previous devaluation with the new idealized view. Old sources of supply should remain indifferent to the narcissist's attempts to reconnect, as this indifference is intolerable to them and deprives them of the attention they crave. Ultimately, narcissists view everyone as potential sources of supply, even enemies, as any emotional response, positive or negative, serves to validate their existence.


Narcissist's Cognitive Deficits

Narcissists lack empathy and are unable to relate to others, instead withdrawing into a universe populated by avatars. They are incapable of holding an external dialogue and all their dialogues are completely internal. The narcissist attributes their failures and mistakes to circumstances and external causes, while regarding their successes and achievements as proofs of their own omnipotence and omniscience. The narcissist pays a dear price for these distortions of perception, developing paranoid ideation and fading the reality test.


Narcissist: Stable Life or Roller Coaster?

Narcissists are heavily reliant on fluctuating narcissistic supply, which leads to a volatile sense of self and mood. They often create a false self to derive their ego functions from others' reactions, resulting in instability across various aspects of their lives, with some maintaining a compensatory stability in one area while others introduce chaos into all dimensions. Emotional involvement is avoided to prevent intimacy, leading to a cycle of approach and avoidance in relationships and tasks. Ultimately, this behavior stems from a deep-seated pathological narcissism that drives their need for attention and validation.


YOUR LOVE, Intimacy FEARED: Narcissist’s Perfectionism, Envy

Narcissists experience intense ambivalence, simultaneously feeling love and hatred towards those they depend on, which is rooted in their perfectionism. This perfectionism serves as a defense mechanism against their deep-seated fear of failure and self-annihilation, leading them to avoid genuine intimacy and connection. The narcissist's internal landscape is marked by envy and a fragmented identity, as they struggle to integrate their perceived flaws with their idealized self-image. Ultimately, their relationships are characterized by a need to control and internalize others, reducing them to non-entities to protect their fragile sense of self and avoid the threat of envy.


Haunted: AI Inside My Mind

Narcissists experience a profound need for narcissistic supply, which is essential for their self-worth and identity; without it, they face disintegration akin to drug withdrawal. They often view themselves as machines, measuring their worth through performance and efficiency, while simultaneously feeling superior to those who express emotions. This detachment from reality leads to a life filled with grandiose fantasies and a disdain for routine, as they seek constant stimulation and validation from others. Ultimately, their inability to mature emotionally results in a cycle of alienation and self-inflicted isolation, leaving them feeling like a "sickly bird" that others instinctively avoid.


Contemptuous Narcissist, Contemptible You, Psychopath Celebrates

Narcissists exhibit a profound sense of contempt towards others, perceiving them as weak or inferior, which reinforces their own grandiosity and sense of superiority. They are particularly triggered by any signs of vulnerability or inadequacy, interpreting these traits as threats to their self-image and using them to manipulate or exploit others. The narcissist's relationship with emotions is complex; they view emotional expression as a weakness and often react with suspicion or disdain towards those who display empathy or attachment. Ultimately, the narcissist's worldview is characterized by a zero-sum mentality, where they must constantly assert their superiority while simultaneously feeling threatened by the perceived inferiority of others.


Narcissist: Normal People are Enigma

The narcissist perceives normal people as enigmatic and struggles to understand their social interactions, feeling exploited despite their efforts to be helpful and agreeable. They experience a cycle of giving without receiving gratitude, leading to feelings of isolation and emotional detachment. The narcissist questions their own transparency and awkwardness, believing that their attempts to connect only push others away. Ultimately, they accept a skewed dynamic in relationships, feeling like a burden while yearning for minimal acknowledgment and connection.


When Narcissist Runs Out of Supply (Self-supply Compilation)

Narcissists often frustrate those around them, deriving satisfaction from both sadistic and masochistic tendencies by withholding love and intimacy, which simultaneously torments others and reinforces their own sense of superiority. This self-sabotage serves to prevent attachment and intimacy, allowing the narcissist to maintain a facade of uniqueness and omnipotence. When faced with a lack of external validation, narcissists may resort to self-supply, a delusional mechanism where they generate their own narcissistic supply by reframing reality, creating inflated self-perceptions, and engaging in fantasies of revenge or victimhood. Ultimately, this self-supply allows narcissists to avoid the pain of rejection and maintain a sense of control, albeit through a distorted and unhealthy lens.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
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