Narcissist: I Love to be Hated and I Hate to be Loved

Uploaded 1/15/2014, approx. 4 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

I love to be hated and I hate to be loved. If I had to distill my quotidian existence in two pithy sentences, these would be they.

I love to be hated and I hate to be loved.

Being feared imbues me with an intoxicating sensation of omnipotence. I am veritably inebriated by the looks of horror or repulsion on people's faces.

They know that I am capable of anything. They know that I am godlike, ruthless, devoid of scribbles, capricious, unfathomable, emotionless, asexual, omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent.

I am like a plague, a devastation, an inescapable verdict.

I nurture my ill repute, stoking it and fanning the flames of gossip. My notoriety is an enduring asset.

Hate and fear are sure generators of attention.

It is all about narcissistic supply, of course, the drug which we the narcissists consume and which consumes us in turn.

So I attack sadistically. I make sure everyone knows about my eruptions. I purvey only the truth and nothing but the truth, but I tell it bluntly in an orgy of evocative Baroque English sadistically.

The blind rage that this induces in the targets of my vitriolic diatribes provokes in me a surge of satisfaction, an inner tranquility not obtainable by any other means.

I like to think about their pain, of course, but that is the lesser part of the equation, the pleasure that I derive from inflicting pain.

The other part of the equation, equally important, is my horrid future, an inescapable punishment.

It carries an irresistible appeal like some strain of alien virus. It infects my better judgment and I succumb.

In general, my weapon is the truth and human propensity to avoid it and deny it and suppress it.

Intactless bridging of every etiquette and netiquette, my chest eyes and haught and snub and shun and offer opprobrium, a self-proclaimed Jeremiah, my hector and harangue from my many self-made outfits.

I understand the prophets of the Bible. I understand Tokwemada.

I bask in the incomparable pleasure of being right. I derive my grandiose superiority from the contrast between my righteousness and the human fallibility of others.

I attain the high moral ground, but it is not even that simple.

It never is with narcissism.

Fostering public revolt and the inevitable ensuing social sanctions fulfills two other psychodynamic goals.

The first one I alluded to.

It is the burning desire, my need to be punished.

In the grotesque mind of the narcissist, his punishment is equally his vindication.

By being permanently on trial, the narcissist claims the high moral ground in the position of the market.

He is understood, discriminated against, unjustly roughed, outcast by his very towering genius or other outstanding qualities.

To conform to the cultural stereotype of the tormented artist, the narcissist provokes his own suffering.

He is thus validated.

His grandiose fantasies acquire a modicum of substance.

He says, if I were not so special, they wouldn't have persecuted me so.

My own persecution is proof of my own uniqueness.

The persecution of the narcissist is his uniqueness.

He must be different for better or for worse. The streak of paranoia embedded in the narcissist makes the outcome inevitable.

He is in constant conflict with lesser beings, with his spouse, his shrink, his boss, his colleagues, his neighbors.

He is forced to stoop to their intellectual level.

He feels like a gulliver, a giant, strapped by lily cushions.

His life is a constant struggle against the self-contented mediocrity of his surroundings.

This is his fate, which he accepts, though never stoically.

It is the narcissist's calling, a mission and a recurrence in his stormy life.

Deeper still, the narcissist has an image of himself as a worthless, bad and dysfunctional extension of others.

In constant need of narcissistic supply, the narcissist feels humiliated by his addiction.

Contrast between his cosmic fantasies and the reality of his dependence, neediness, clinging and often failure.

This discrepancy, which I call the grandiosity gap, is an emotionally harrowing experience. It is a constant background noise of devilish, demeaning laughter. The voices in his head say, you are a fraud, you are a zero, you are nothing and you deserve nothing.

If only they knew how worthless you were, who you are.

The narcissist attempts to silence these tormenting voices, not by fighting them, but actually by agreeing with them, unconsciously and sometimes consciously.

He says to them, I do agree with you. I'm bad, I'm worthless, I'm deserving of the most severe punishment for my rotten character, bad habits, addiction and constant fraud. That is my life. I will go out, I will seek my doom. Now that I have complied, will you leave me be? Will you leave me alone? Will you let me leave?

And of course, the voices never do.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Narcissist Has No Friends

Narcissists treat their friends like Watson and Hastings, who are obsequious and unthreatening, and provide them with an adulating gallery. Narcissists cannot empathize or love, and therefore have no real friends. They are interested in securing narcissistic supply from narcissistic supply sources. The narcissist overvalues people when they are judged to be potential sources of supply, and devalues them when no longer able to supply him, ultimately leading to the alienation and distancing of people.

Remain Friends with the Narcissist?

Narcissists are only friendly when they need something from you, such as narcissistic supply, help, support, votes, money, or sex. They also become friendly when they feel threatened and want to smother the threat with pleasantries. Narcissists are also over-friendly when they have just been infused with an overdose of narcissistic supply. Some people prefer to live with narcissists because they have been conditioned to treat narcissistic abuse as background noise and are compensated for the abuse by the thrills provided by living with a narcissist. However, inverted narcissists are typically unhappy and in need of help, which suggests that they are victims who experience the Stockholm Syndrome.

Narcissist Re-idealizes Discarded Sources of Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists keep discarded sources of supply in reserve and seek them out when they have no other supply source. They frantically try to recycle their old sources and re-idealize them without admitting to having been mistaken in the first place. To preserve their grandiosity, they come up with a narrative that accommodates both the devaluing content and the re-idealized image of the source. If you are an old source of narcissistic supply, simply ignore the narcissist as indifference is what they cannot stand.

Communal, Prosocial Narcissist as Compulsive Giver

Compulsive givers are a type of narcissist who feel superior to those they give to, and feel exploited when they have to pay for the needs of others. They are people pleasers and co-dependents who force themselves on others and have unrealistic expectations of gratitude. They have alloplastic defenses with an external locus of control, meaning they rely on others to regulate their self-worth and blame the world for their failures. They keep a mental ledger of what they give and receive and use false asceticism and fake modesty to prove their nearest and dearest are ingrates.

How Narcissist's Victims Deceive Themselves

Narcissists cannot be cured and are a threat to those around them. Victims of narcissists often confuse shame with guilt and attribute remorsefulness to the narcissist when they are actually feeling shame for failing. Narcissists are attracted to vulnerable people who offer them a secure source of narcissistic supply. Healing is dependent on a sense of security in a relationship, but the narcissist is not interested in healing and would rather invest their energy in obtaining narcissistic supply. Narcissists lack empathy and cannot understand others, making them a danger to those around them.

Narcissist Grooms Sources of Narcissistic Supply: Exploits Tragedy, Crisis, and Misfortune

Narcissists are callous and ruthless enough to exploit the tragedy of others. They are obsessed with the maintenance of their delicate inner balance through the ever-increasing consumption of narcissistic supply. The narcissist regards and treats his sources of narcissistic supply as full-fledged human beings, but only as long as they can provide him with what he needs. The narcissist always evaluates the victims of tragedies to see if they can become sources of supply or can be used as props in the theater of his life.

Giving Narcissist Second Chance

Narcissists do not provide closure in relationships and will stalk, cajole, beg, promise, persuade, and ultimately succeed in doing the impossible to get you back. The narcissist will cast all interactions with you in terms of conflicts or competitions to be won. If you have resumed contact because you are manifestly dependent on the narcissist financially or emotionally, the narcissist will pounce on your frailty and exploit your fragility to the maximum. Ultimately, the narcissist will write the inevitable cycle of idealization and devaluation.

Can Narcissist Truly Love?

Narcissists are incapable of true love, but they do experience some emotion which they insist is love. Narcissists love their significant others as long as they continue to provide them with attention, or narcissistic supply. There are two types of narcissistic love: one type loves others as one would get attached to objects, while the other type abhors monotony and constancy, seeking instability, chaos, upheaval, drama, and change. In the narcissist's world, mature love is nowhere to be seen, and their so-called love is fear of losing control and hatred of the very people on whom their personality depends.

Narcissistic Boss or Employer: Coping and Survival Tactics

Narcissistic bosses or employers view their staff as sources of narcissistic supply and nothing else. They expect their employees to serve as an audience, adulate, and affirm their grandiose self-image. Any hint of equality, disagreement, or criticism threatens the narcissist profoundly. Narcissists feel suffocated by intimacy or routine and forever shift the blame, pass the buck, and engage in cognitive dissonance. Manipulating the narcissist is the only way an employee can survive in such a workplace.

Can You Love the Narcissist and Rescue Him?

Victims of narcissists often resort to fantasies and self-delusions to cope with their pain, believing that they can rescue the narcissist from their misery and misfortune. However, loving a narcissist is difficult, and any attempt to relate to them emotionally is doomed to failure. Narcissists are addicts in pursuit of gratification through the drug known as narcissistic supply, and they hone in on potential suppliers like cruise missiles. Victims of narcissists can become bitter and self-centered, lacking in empathy, and become more like the narcissist over time.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
Website Copyright © William DeGraaf 2022-2024
Get it on Google Play
Privacy policy