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Narcissist: Set Firm Personal Boundaries!

Uploaded 6/7/2014, approx. 2 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Personal boundaries are rules of conduct, the sand, any infringement and breach of which you deem unacceptable behavior.

You need to set your personal boundaries clearly, unequivocally and unambiguously.

Firstly, to yourself, how to protect your dignity, safeguard your privacy, guarantee your freedom and maintain your priorities.

You then need to communicate your boundaries to your partner, replete with the price list, the costs associated with ignoring or violating your boundaries.

Finally, you need to be firm and enforce your boundaries. Your credibility depends on a consistent and fair application of these rules of engagement.

Examples of a few boundaries, refuse to accept abusive behavior, demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions, insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences and priorities, demand a just and proportional treatment, reject or ignore unjust, arbitrary and capricious behavior.

If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies, they are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail or extortion of any guy, even implied.

When things get rough, disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or outright threaten him legally. Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon. Sunshine disinfects abuse.

Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression, full power, full mind, on the first offense.

Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence. Be yourself. Do not misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities and red lines. Do not lie about who you are, essentially. Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm, be resolute, be fair.

Stay away from such quagmars. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how we lock yours.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation. Be vigilant. Be doubting. Do not be gullible. Do not be suggestible.

Better safe than sorry. Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their roles, people that he uses in order to abuse you, third parties.

Expose him to his collaborators. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused and plain used by the abuser himself. Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve other people. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfect abuse. I will say it again and again.

Your boundaries are your protection. Bridge them and you put yourself in danger.

Emotional, financial, sometimes physical and legal. Good luck.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Contract with Your Abuser - Part I

Abuse is a complex phenomenon, and it is difficult to prevent or control the abuser's behavior. Attempts to broach the subject of the abuser's mental health problems frequently end in fights or worse. The delineation of boundaries and reaching an agreement on coexistence are the first important steps towards minimizing abuse in relationships. Personal boundaries are not negotiable, and the abuser should have no say in setting boundaries or upholding them.


Give Narcissists Taste of Own Medicine: Brainwash, Entrain Them

Narcissistic abuse can leave survivors feeling helpless and victimized, often adopting a new identity that explains their experiences and provides meaning. However, survivors possess significant psychological leverage over narcissists, as they can manipulate the narcissist's internal representation of them to regain control. By employing strategies such as repetition, feigned helplessness, and leveraging the narcissist's social network, survivors can effectively influence and reshape the dynamics of their relationship. Ultimately, understanding these mechanisms allows survivors to reclaim their power and navigate interactions with narcissists more effectively.


Narcissistic Abuse: From Victim to Survivor in 6 Steps

To move on from being a victim of narcissistic abuse, one must abandon the narcissist and move on. Moving on is a process that involves acknowledging and accepting painful reality, learning from the experience, and deciding to act. It is important to grieve and mourn the loss of trust and love, but perpetual grieving is counterproductive. Forgiveness is important, but it should not be a universal behavior. Human relationships are dynamic and require constant assessment. It is not advisable to remain friends with narcissists, as they are only nice and friendly when they want something. Inverted narcissists who remain in relationships with narcissists are victims who deny their own torment and fail to make the transition to survivors.


Domestic Violence Shelters

Before moving into a domestic violence shelter, it is important to ensure that the shelter's philosophy aligns with your own. Check if the shelter caters to specific ethnic minorities or neighborhoods, and if you can abide by the house rules. Gather intelligence and be informed before making a move, and talk to battered women who spend time in the shelter. Ensure that the shelter is secure, and that it provides counseling for abusers as well as ongoing support for their victims. Remember that shelters are temporary solutions, and plan your life after the shelter.


Narcissist's Victim: NO CONTACT Rules

Professor Sam Vaknin advises victims of narcissism and psychopathy to maintain as much contact with their abuser as the courts, counselors, evaluators, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate. However, with the exception of this minimum mandated by the courts, decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist or psychopath. Avoiding contact with the abuser is a form of setting boundaries, and setting boundaries is a form of healing. Be firm, be resolute, but be polite and civil.


Victim of Narcissist: Move On!

The narcissist lives in a world of ideal beauty, achievements, wealth, and success, denying his reality. The partner is perceived as a source of narcissistic supply, and the narcissist pathologizes and devalues them to rid themselves of guilt and shame. Moving on from a narcissistic relationship involves acknowledging and accepting painful reality, educating oneself, and gaining emotional sustenance, knowledge, support, and confidence. Forgiving is important, but it should not be a universal behavior, and no one should stay with a narcissist.


Narcissist's Reactions to Abandonment, Separation, and Divorce

Narcissistic abusers often resort to self-delusion when faced with the dissolution of a meaningful relationship. They may adopt a masochistic avoidance solution, punishing themselves for their failure, or construct a delusional narrative in which they are the hero. Some may become antisocial psychopaths, while others develop persecutory delusions and withdraw completely from social contact, becoming schizoids. Finally, some abusers resort to an aggressive stance, becoming verbally, psychologically, and sometimes physically abusive towards loved ones.


Narcissistic Abuse: 21 Signs You’ve Recovered, Healed, Moved On

Recovery from narcissistic abuse involves recognizing 21 signs that indicate healing and the expulsion of the narcissist's influence from one's mind. Key indicators include the absence of disparaging internal voices, the ability to trust and make autonomous decisions, and the restoration of agency and self-efficacy. Additionally, a healed individual no longer experiences anticipatory anxiety, addictive cravings for the narcissist, or a victim mentality, and instead embraces intimacy and emotional authenticity. Ultimately, true recovery is marked by a shift from victimhood to a confident, self-aware identity that fosters healthy relationships and personal growth.


Stalked: Get Help

In cases of repeated abuse, seeking support from family and friends is crucial, as they can provide shelter, emotional support, and practical advice. Engaging with the legal system may often be disappointing due to insensitivity and ineffectiveness in handling domestic violence and stalking cases. Documenting the abuse and reporting it to authorities is essential, as is seeking professional help from attorneys, therapists, and security experts. Joining support groups for victims can help restore self-esteem and provide validation through shared experiences.


Love Your Narcissist? Make Him Stay, Depend on You (Tips, Resolutions)

In a relationship with a narcissist, it is important to know what not to do and what to do to maintain the relationship. Avoid disagreeing, contradicting, or criticizing the narcissist, and never offer intimacy or challenge their self-image. To make the narcissist dependent on you, listen attentively, agree with everything they say, offer something unique, be patient, and be emotionally and financially independent. It is also crucial to know yourself and set personal boundaries, treating yourself with dignity and demanding respect from others. If the relationship becomes abusive, consider going no-contact and ending the relationship for your own well-being.

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