Keith Campbell does not have a YouTube channel.
He does not use his credentials as a doctor and as a professor to promote books, retreats, seminars, lectures and what have you. He doesn't monetize his academic career.
Why is he not on YouTube?
Because he's not a self-styled expert and he's not a con artist and he's not a charlatan.
Keith Campbell is the real thing, the real McCoy. Keith Campbell is a true expert, one of the most eminent scholars of pathological narcissism and narcissistic disorders of the self.
Today, we are going to deal with one minute aspect of his multi-decade work in the field, his first becoming the leading authority.
We are going to deal today with Keith Campbell's models of relationships with narcissists.
Yes, you heard me correctly. Models. There are three of them.
And one of them, in one of them, Keith Campbell takes the cake.
Stay with me to understand and learn more.
My name is Sam Vaknin. I'm the author of Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited, the first book ever written about narcissistic abuse. I'm also a professor of clinical psychology.
Yes, a little like Keith Campbell.
Still sick. As you can see.
a little like Keith Campbell. Still sick. As you can see.
And let's delve right in.
But before we do, two things are important to recall.
Number one, narcissists tend to date, get married with, and have relationships, diads and couples with narcissistic people.
Yes, you heard me correctly.
The intimate partners of narcissists have a higher incidence and prevalence of narcissistic style and even narcissistic personality disorder than the general population.
It doesn't mean that all the partners of narcissists are narcissists. It just means that narcissists tend to gravitate toward each other.
We will understand why a bit later.
Second point to recall, while I walk you through the three wonderful models of Keith Campbell, coverts are much more careful with their partners than overts.
Covert narcissists are collapsed narcissists. These are narcissists who have failed to obtain narcissistic supply. These are narcissists who are defeated by life.
And so they have a very low self-confidence, very low self-esteem. They are unable to regulate the sense of self-worth very efficaciously.
So they don't trust themselves to find an alternative partner. They just don't believe that they are attractive enough or irresistible enough or charming enough or amazing enough and so and so forth.
So covert narcissists treat their partners, I wouldn't say better than overt narcissists, but differently.
Whereas an overt narcissist, a grandiose narcissist, would be verbally abusive, ostentatiously and conspicuously mistreat his partner, the covert narcissist is likely to be passive-aggressive, undermine, sabotage, under the radar.
And that is, as I said, because they lack the self-confidence to believe that they can discard their current partner and find another one.
Also, covert narcissists, self-supply. The covert narcissists' object of adulation and admiration is himself. He admires and adulates himself because no one else would. He tends to aggrandize himself. He tends to regard himself as superior in many ways.
And this is called self-supply and I have a few videos on this channel dedicated to self-supply, which is much more common among covert narcissists than among overt ones.
Now, the need for narcissistic supply, the demand for narcissistic supply, the coercion of the potential sources of narcissistic supply, this puts a lot of pressure on relationships.
Remember that one of the potential sources of narcissistic supply. This puts a lot of pressure on relationships.
Remember that one thing the narcissist expects from his intimate partner is supply. Narcissistic supply, sadistic supply, attention, something.
The intimate partner of the narcissist should always be there for the narcissists not only as a kind of constant maternal object but also as a constant source of supply.
Because the covert narcissist self-supply he is much less needy than the overt or grandiose narcissists, and that puts less pressure on the relationship, and the longevity and viability of the relationship increases.
So everything I'm about to say applies basically to overt grandiose narcissists, not to covert and vulnerable ones.
When Keith Campbell came up with these three models, which was about 20 years ago, the awareness of the existence of covert, vulnerable, shy, fragile narcissism was much reduced. People barely talked about this.
Everyone was talking about the overt, grandiose, in your face, defiant, reckless, Donald Trump-style narcissists. No one was talking about the under-the-radar, stealthy, surreptitious variety.
And so when he designed his models, what he had in mind was an overt, grandiose narcissist.
I would like to start with the funniest of the three, and proof positive that Keith Campbell possesses not only infinite knowledge regarding pathological narcissism, but also a pretty good sense of humor. And that is the chocolate cake model.
Chocolate cake, you say, salivating as you ponder the model.
Is it because the narcissist slices you one piece of at a time until you are no more?
Nope.
Is it because the narcissist is dark outside, but soft and sweet inside?
Definitely not.
So what is the chocolate cake model?
The chocolate cake model is based on a nutritional fact. Chocolate cakes are very, very tasty. They are addictive, they are irresistible, they're better than sex. So chocolate cakes afford you with short-term gratification.
But then, in the long-term, you pay the price. You become obese like me, cardiovascular problems, dementia, and cravings for even more chocolate cake.
And this is the chocolate cake model. The narcissistic relationships start off as tasty, yummy, addictive, incredibly amazing, and so on and so forth, but you end up paying a heavy price later on in the relationship.
The narcissists' relationships are shallow, non-committal and transitory, overt, grandiose narcissists are always on the search for better alternatives. They're engaged in mind games and power plays.
Actually, several studies have demonstrated that narcissists date not in order to find a partner, but as a way to self-enhance.
In other words, as far as narcissists are concerned, dating is a form of hunting for narcissistic supply.
Narcissists are incapable and uninterested, incapable of emotions and intimacy, and they are uninterested in you. You just happen to be there. You're a prop.
In the short term, narcissists are sexually attractive. I mean, just look at me, charming, high social status.
Narcissus usually is a good catch. They're also, not all of them, the schizoid types are not, but the vast majority of narcissists are the life of the party. They're popular.
And one thing we know from the study of human sexuality is that popularity among sexual and relationships partner is a misleading signal.
When you see someone who is popular among your girlfriends, for example, you would be attracted to him. When you see someone who has been multiply married, you would actually find him a better partner because he has been through it and he has probably learned from experience.
In other words, multiple sexual partners and multiple relationships partners are actually positive signals in mate selection.
And because narcissists are very popular, they emit this very misleading signal.
Now, the narcissist, in his relationships, and now we are talking about interpersonal relationships, intimate, romantic, but also, for example, friendships or collegial relationships at work. In all these relationships, narcissists are self-centered. Many of them are materialistic, although narcissists are not really interested in money. They're interested in money as a way to obtain supply. I am rich. Pay attention to me.
Narcissists are deceptive and they are controlling. People who have been in relationships with narcissists, intimate and romantic or not, feel that they have been used, that they have been played.
All of them claimed that the narcissist has changed, that he has presented a misleading facade initially, also known as lovebombie in intimate relationships.
But there was this misleading facade that later crumbled when it was no longer needed, when the target has been acquired, as if there is some kind of heat signature.
Everyone involved with narcissists in multiple studies reported that they have regretted the relationship and that the emotional toll was very high.
And one thing which is very interesting, there have been many studies of breakups, romantic and intimate breakups.
And of course, some people are angry after a breakup but it's only a percentage.
Among narcissists in relationships with narcissists following the breakup in the aftermath of the relationship all the narcissists partners were angry at the narcissist.
We could not find a single exception in 20 years of studies.
Anger is the dominant emotional reaction to having had a relationship with the narcissist.
Now, I won't go deeper. The anger is multifaceted and multi-layered.
Some of this anger is actually self-directed. Some of this anger and some of this aggression has to do with the dream and the fantasy that are no more.
Some of it has to do with wasted opportunities and resources.
Some of the younger has to do with a promise of a partner who is the one, who is perfect, and then evaporates somehow, like so much wisps of smoke and mirrors.
And so there's a lot of types of anger.
Similarly, there are many types of grief, and I have videos dedicated to the multiple shapes and forms of grief involved in the dissolution of a relationship with the narcissists.
Narcissists, overt and grandiose narcissists, reported that they are less committed to the relationship and much less faithful. In other words, they cheat more.
The partners of narcissists agreed with that. They agreed that the narcissist is not committed, is dismissive, is avoidant, it's an attachment style, and they surmised, although they didn't have proof, but they surmised that the narcissist has been unfaithful, much more than ordinary.
Later studies, because remember these models were developed 20 years ago, later studies seem to have disproved this.
Actually it seems that the narcissist is no more unfaithful than the general population.
And certain types of narcissists or in certain circumstances, narcissists are actually less likely to cheat than the average population and definitely less likely to cheat than, for example, the psychopath or the borderline.
But we're not going into it. There's a video, of course, dedicated to this topic.
I don't think there's a topic I haven't covered yet. So this is one of them and all you have to do is type the word, cheat in the search engine, in the search box of the channel, and seek, and you shall find.
I threatened you with three models.
And I shared with you to start with the tasty one, as a bait, as a lure, to draw you in, so that you won't click off the video. The chocolate cake model.
The second model developed again by Keith Campbell is the contextual reinforcement model.
Now this sounds a lot more academic and is much more impressive.
According to the contextual reinforcement model, narcissists gravitate toward, they prefer situations or circumstances, or environments, or relationships, which are new. They value novelty.
In this, they're very reminiscent of psychopaths. Psychopaths are also addicted to novelty.
And so narcissists prefer novelty, but narcissists also prefer instability. They're not looking for stability and safety the way, for example, the borderline does.
On the very contrary, narcissists destabilize situations, circumstances, environments, and relationships, because they feel much more comfortable when the ground is shaking.
What's the reason for this?
In the short term, narcissists are liked.
In the short term, narcissists are successful.
They establish new relationships with ease. They initiate contact and obtain goals, for example, sex much faster than a healthy, normal, nice kind of guy.
Narcissists are overconfident, they are charming, and so on so forth, and this draws you in.
Narciss is therefore self-efficacious when it comes to initiating relationships, when it comes to new relationships.
And anything that is new is always unstable by definition.
So narcissists prefer unstable situations because they can rearrange the pieces and create new opportunities, opportunities to bolster their inflated self-perception.
Remember, narcissists date. They have relationships. They go into a new job or new workplace just in order to somehow shore up, buttress, and uphold their inflated, fantastic, grandiose self-perception.
Narcissists know that they are much better at initiating things, at starting things, at embarking on new adventures, than they are at concluding things, accomplishing things, etc.
Narcissists like to think of themselves as big picture kind of people. The details and minutia are underneath them. They don't pay attention to details in minutia because they are divine, they are godlike.
Consequently, narcissists frequently fail. They fail to consummate relationships, they fail to complete projects, they fail to excel on job, in jobs, on jobs, etc.
So, narcissists are good at starting and bad at ending. Because they know that, after some time, time at least, the narcissist becomes aware of the trajectory of his life, it penetrates his thick skull.
So because they are aware of it they prefer to start rather than to persevere, they prefer to initiate rather than to complete.
And of course, initiation and starting and beginnings, all these are new and unstable.
In the long term, narcissists are exposed as overconfident, reckless, and consequently they become a lot less likable.
Many studies, Campbell's studies included, show that narcissism alone predicts increased suffering and negative outcomes for the narcissist relationship partners, his friends, his spouses, his own children, his bosses, his colleagues, everyone around him suffers, and there are long-term negative consequences, including physical and mental health consequences.
And when we eliminate all the other factors in order to avoid a situation of influence by other factors, when we remove them, what is left is narcissism.
Narcissism alone is a sufficient explanation regarding these adverse outcomes.
So this is the contextual reinforcement model.
According to this model, narcissists engage in relationships, initiate interpersonal contact and interactions in order to gratify themselves, to generate narcissistic supply.
But because they are aware that they have no staying power, they have no long wind. They cannot persevere. They have no long wind. They are not, they cannot persevere. They have no stamina.
Because they are aware of this, they terminate relationships or undermine them or move on to another relationship with alacrity, remaining constantly stuck in a new and unstable environment of their own making.
Okay, so this is the second model.
The third, and I think by far the more famous and influential model of Keith Campbell is the agency model.
And I will dwell on it a bit more at length because it's a pivotal, very critical model in understanding, decoding, one can say, the narcissist's convoluted and irrational and counterintuitive relationships.
Now you notice that there's no mention here of the shared fantasy and so forth, and that's because Keith Campbell is an experimentalist and a theoretician which belongs to schools of thought in psychology, which have little to do with psychoanalysis, psychodynamic theories, object relations and so.
So he's more of a modern scholar of narcissism and narcissistic pathologies.
The agency model starts with a fact.
And the fact is the narcissists' interpersonal relationships fulfill some kind of function.
And the function is self-regulation.
The narcissist regulates his internal environment, his moods, his affects, even his cognitions.
That's where the shared fantasy comes in.
The narcissists regulates all these by having relationships with people. He uses people to regulate his inner landscape.
And this self-regulatory regime using other people as instruments or tools or objects encapsulates the narcissist's core psychodynamic.
So narcissists don't have relationships with people. They have relationships with themselves through people, through the agency of people.
Even when they have sex, they're having sex with themselves. This is known as auto-erotic sex. The narcissists is having sex with himself through the body of another person.
They need other people in order to trigger internal dynamics. And then they forget these other people. These other people are like catalysts or triggers and they forget them and they focus inwards.
Narcissus consequently prefer agency over communion. In other words, narcissists couldn't care less about love, compassion, empathy, holding, containing, succor. They couldn't care less about any of this.
They don't seek love. I mean, they convince themselves that they're in love. They deceive themselves into believing that they crave love.
But actually what they crave is narcissistic supply and the ability to regulate internally.
Because remember, when the narcissist fails to obtain narcissistic supply to regulate himself from the outside, external regulation, when the narcissist fails in this, the narcissist collapses, the narcissist mortifies, narcissists become suicidal and is emotionally dysregulated.
In other words, the narcissists becomes a borderline.
Narcissists are terrified of this condition.
So they place a huge emphasis on functions.
Not on who you are, we'll come to it a bit later in the agency model, not on who you are, but on what you can provide, on what is the nature of the transaction.
If you enhance the narcissist agency, this is known as self-enhancement, if you enhance the narcissist agency, if you convince the narcissist that he is big, great, amazing, godlike, omniscient, omnipotent, etc., etc., you're in. You're in. You are the ideal partner.
And so you are essentially an instrument, an object, a tool. You're interchangeable. You're utterly replaceable. Your identity, your traits, your personal history, your predilections, your preferences, your wishes, your dreams, your emotions, they're all utterly irrelevantas far as the narcissist is concerned.
What's in it for me? What can I take from you? Are the key questions.
Number two. And I'm still in the work of Keith Campbell.
Number two, the narcissists relationships involve inflated self-views.
Narcissists would tend to have relationships that support their inflated, fantastic, grandiose self-perception and self-image. We will come to it a bit later when we analyze the agency model, and there I would be in a bit of a disagreement with Keith Campbell, and we'll talk about it.
Next, the narcissists' self-regulatory processes, his self-regulation. They are focused on gaining and maintaining self-esteem, or more precisely, on stabilizing a sense of self-worth, which otherwise goes haywire and becomes very volatile.
The narcissists derives his sense of self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth from the outside. That's why we say that narcissists are externally regulated, not internally regulated, exactly like the borderline.
The borderline is externally regulated for different ego functions. But this is the case with the narcissist as well.
One could say that the narcissist defines himself through other people's gaze. And this insight is already embedded in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Edition 5, text revision, the alternative model of narcissistic personality disorder. I think it's page 881 or 887. I'm not quite sure.
Okay. Next, entitlement.
The narcissistic relationships with other are self-regulatory. And because they are self-regulatory, they support, they evidence, they buttress, they underlie the narcissist's grandiosity.
The narcissistic relationship with other people is about proving to the narcissist that he is indeed godlike, that it's not a delusion, that the false self is not false, that the shared fantasy is not a fantasy, and so on so forth.
So the narcissist convinces himself through relationships that he is truly God.
Now as God, he deserves special treatment. This is known as entitlement, special respect, special deference, not to wait in a queue, to be treated by the best doctors, etc., etc. We all know the drill, and this is the outcome of grandiosity upheld by the relationship.
The narcissist initially has an approach orientation.
The narcissist is a predator. He hunts. He is in a process of hunting for sources of narcissistic supply and potential intimate partners and participants in his shared fantasy. So he's a hunter.
Now the borderline, for example, has approach-avoidance repetition compulsions. Someone with a dismissive avoidance attachment style also approaches and then avoids.
Grandiose overt narcissists approach. They never avoid. They devalue you. They discard you.
But that's not avoidance. That's simply letting go. That's simply getting rid of you.
As long as they are in the relationship, they approach you all the time. They approach you for services. They approach you for sex. They approach you for supply. Narcissistic supply. They approach you for supply. Sadistic supply. They approach you for your presence. They insist on your presence in order to feel safe, to have object constancy, etc.
You are a provider, a service provider, and they insist on being provided.
Is this reminiscent? Does it remind you of anything?
Yes, the baby and his mother.
It's a very infantile approach to the relationship, converting you into a maternal figure, in effect, which is where the shared fantasy comes in.
So these are the elements of the narcissist's interpersonal relationships.
And the narcissist uses what is known as intrapsychic strategies, such as, for example, fantasy, self-overvaluation.
Narcissists believe that they are much more attractive than they actually are.
The vast majority of narcissists are subject to the Kruger Dunning effect, which means that they consider themselves much more intelligent and educated than they actually are.
So there's an element of self-overvaluation which borders on delusionality. They're delusional.
And the fantasy doesn't help.
But these are the strategies that the narcissist uses internally, within his psyche, intrapsychically, in order to come onto the potential partner and impress her, captivate her, capture her, acquire her, and then convert her into a service provider and a maternal object and then take over her life, hijack her existence in effect.
And yes, before you start, half of all narcissists are women, when I say he, it's a she, when I say she, it's a he, etc.
There's no psychodynamic difference between male narcissists and female narcissists, only cultural differences.
Next, to remind you, we are in the agency model of Keith Campbell.
According to this model, the narcissist uses internal strategies, intrapsychic strategies that we just mentioned, but also interpersonal skills.
Narcissists are confident, they're charismatic, they're charming, they're extroverted. These interpersonal skills are psychopathic. It is a psychopath who is possessed of superficial charm.
Every overt or grandiose narcissist has an extremely pronounced antisocial dimension.
The situation is such that today 20 years after Campbell has developed his agency model, today we are beginning to think to consider the possibility that all overt grandiose narcissists are actually psychopaths.
And this is one reason we are beginning to think this way, because they act as psychopaths.
When a narcissist comes across a potential source of supply, or a potential intimate partner, potential colluder in a shared fantasy, he becomes a psychopath.
He becomes charming, outgoing, oozing sex and sexuality, super confident, extroverted, etc.
Remember, we are talking about grandiose, overt narcissists, not the covert ones. Covert ones don't know how to do this.
And here we come to the first point of disagreement between Keith Campbell's work and mine.
Keith Campbell says that one of the interpersonal strategies of a narcissist is to look for trophy partners, to self-promote by flaunting his acquisitions.
So he would be looking for the ultimate, the most drop-dead gorgeous, hyper-intelligence, hyper-intelligent, rich, shockingly amazing woman, let's say.
This is where I disagree, and I disagree for two reasons.
Number one, narcissists, especially overt, grandiose narcissists, are terrified of rejection and failure. Terrified.
The fear of rejection and fear of failure drives them to adopt multiple strategies such as self-handicapping in order to avoid rejection and failure.
A narcissist is extremely unlikely to approach a drop-dead gorgeous, super-intelligence, super accomplished woman, super confident woman.
And Larson would never do this because he would anticipate possible rejection. And he can't live with rejection. It's humiliation, its shame, and its mortification.
So the first reason I disagree with Campbell is a narcissist's aversion to rejection, shame, humiliation and mortification.
Second reason is, narcissists don't really care who you are. Of course, a narcissist would be happy to date Cindy Crawford or to date, I don't know, Scarlett Johansson. Of course, a narcissist would be delighted to become the intimate partner of Taylor Swift.
That's what I'm saying. But this is not limited to narcissists. 95% of the male population would be delighted to be the intimate partner of Taylor Swift. So that's not proof of anything.
The thing is that the focus of the narcissists is on self-enhancement and self-regulation.
So what the narcissist asks himself, what can this woman give me to make me feel better about myself? How can this woman enhance me? How can she prove to me that I'm a genius or I'm a god-godlike entity or I'm a perfect person or whatever? How can she fit into my fantasy?
This is the crucial question.
Not so much whether she is gorgeous or whether she's intelligent or will she collaborate. Is she available to participate in the charade and the collusion and the conspiracy to render me God, will she not contradict me? Will she provide me with supply? Will she be submissive? Will she service me?
These are the crucial questions.
Actually, women who are overconfident, super intelligent and drop dead gorgeous, they are competition to the narcissist. They're a challenge.
The narcissist walks around with a trophy wife. Everyone pays attention to her, not to him.
So Campbell is, in my view, 100% wrong with this.
It is true that studies have found propensity among narcissists for trophies.
But it is also true that studies have found propensity among all men for trophies. Narcissists or not?
Okay. Narcissists do seek to associate with celebrities and with rich people and mighty people. They name drop as a form of narcissistic supply, but all this has nothing to do with intimate romantic relationships where the requirement are totally different.
What happens when the narcissist is successful? He approaches a potential partner, a potential friend and so on, and they hit it off, and he's successful. He made it. He acquired the target. The mark is ready.
How does the narcissist feel? He feels elated. He feels what Baumeister involves called narcissistic esteem, a kind of combination of a sense of social dominance, haughtiness, extreme pride, and being on the verge of finding a mother, what Freud called the oceanic feeling and others called narcissistic elation. It's a very intoxicating brew.
Narcissist is addicted to this feeling. That's why he has to restart the cycle again and again and again. That's why narcissists don't commit in relationships. They need this dose. They need this constant thrill of the conquest, of the chase, and of the ultimate high, it's a drug addiction.
Narcissistic supply is a drug, and the narcissist is a junkie.
And so the narcissist keeps looking for new stimuli, new partners, new opportunities, new chances, all the time, novelty, all the time, initiative, all the time instability, all the time starting over.
Whereas normal, healthy people find such an environment very threatening. People don't want to start over all the time. They don't want to lose their partners all the time. They don't want to start new things all the time.
The narcissists find these kind of circumstances and environment very stimulating. Other people fuel narcissistic self-regulation, narcissistic adulation. They use status symbols, they brag, they show off. All this is intended to elicit reactivity from the environment. Narcissistic supply.
Initially, as I said, and as Campbell said, I'm sorry, narcissists initially, unlikable, outgoing, charming, entertaining.
Paul Haas conducted a few studies in the late 1990s, when I was starting my work as well, conducted a few studies that demonstrated how beguiling and enchanting and bewitching narcissists can be when they set their mind to it.
And it's all about social dominance, as Brunell explained in his work.
But with time, people get to know the narcissist. They're exposed to the less savory sides of the narcissists. The narcissist also loses patience, begins to take people for granted, begins to misbehave, and is exposed for who he is. A user, a taker, and an abuser.
Now all these are antisocial, psychopathic traits, not narcissistic. And so this would apply very strongly to overt or grandiose narcissists who are also essentially psychopathic, known as malignant narcissists.
The vast majority of narcissists who are not malignant narcissists give away vibes, bad vibes which are awry and they trigger what I call the uncanny valley reaction discomfort your ill it is something's wrong but you're not quite you can't put your finger in it and so it is as if the narcissist is half baked a work in progress, not full-fledged, not well put together.
So psychopathic narcissists, malignant narcissists are likable, outgoing, superficially charming and entertaining exactly like psychopaths.
All other narcissists fail even in that. Within two, three meetings, they are no longer charming, no longer like them, no longer outgoing, no longer outgoing, and definitely no longer entertaining.
And from the very first meeting, you feel that something is wrong. Something is wrong. Something is wrong could be that the narcissist is too good to be true.
That's also wrong. It's also a signal that you're mis-evaluating the situation and the person facing you. If someone is too good to be true, too perfect. Such perfection is eerie. It's not human.
Narcissists, says Campbell, are competitive because winning is a form of narcissistic supply. Social domination via public displays of superiority as Baumeister describes it.
Narcissists also have alloplastic defenses. Other people are to blame for the narcissist failures, defeats, bad choices, wrong decisions. Other people are repositories of guilt and shame and blame.
The narcissist transfers these negative affects onto other people and expects them to hold these emotions for him so that he doesn't have to experience them.
And this is the agency model of Keith Campbell.
Keith Campbell gives us three ways to look at narcissistic relationships.
Number one, what's in it for me? I'm agentic. I'm hell-bent on obtaining outcomes. That's the narcissist. And I'm going to use people to regulate myself, enhance myself, and prove to myself that I am God. That's the agency model.
Number two, I'm going to destabilize the relationship. I'm going to undermine and sabotage the relationship because I don't like stable environments. I like novelty. I like new challenges, new situations, circumstances that change all the time.
Because only then do I have a chance to impress people, captivate them and use them for my goals and ends. That's the contextual reinforcement model.
And the chocolate cake model, I start off sweet and soft and tasty and addictive and amazing, like a chocolate cake. But at the end, rest assured, you will pay the price of an increasing waistline and a decreasing heartbeat.