Narcissist's BDSM Supply Partner (ENGLISH responses)

Uploaded 3/10/2020, approx. 10 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Cold Therapy.

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Cold Therapy.

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Cold Therapy.

I am the author of Cold Therapy.

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Cold Therapy.

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Cold Therapy.

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Cold Therapy.

Most famous, of course, is homosexuality, until 1973, was a mental illness in the DSM and was removed from the DSM after that.

So I wouldn't be too excited about it.

There are still many more paraphilias that I would have removed from the DSM.

They're not pleasant, obviously, coprophage is not pleasant.

I personally don't think I will ever try, but I don't see any mental element here, mental illness element.

So in due time I think it will vanish as well.

Possibly the only paraphilia that should stay, only sexual practice that should stay, possibly, is pedophilia.

I don't see any other sexual practice that is anyone's business, honestly.

Coming to the DSM, the thing is that the narcissist chooses a partner with whom he can have intimacy and emotions, whatever he thinks are emotions.

For example, he chooses a partner who will be a reliable and predictable source of supply. And this kind of partner is a saint.

It's not a whore. It's not the kind of partner you talk to about the DSM.

If it's possible for the narcissist, especially somatic narcissist, to have a partner who is a whore with whom he will not have emotions, he will not give any attention outside the sex, he will not have any common experiences except sex, and it will be a life partner, someone with whom he will spend years, and they will have only sex, and what connects them is only sex. They don't talk about politics. They don't go out together. They just have sex. It's possible.

And with this kind of partner, he will talk about BDSM, and they will practice BDSM, of course.

But he will also have sex with others because she will not be a good source of supply in many ways.

To be a good source of supply, the women need to be defeminized, desexualized. She needs to become neutral, neuter, non-sexual entity, unigender, hermaphrodite, sexless entity.


Because women threaten the narcissist, starting with his mother.

So they cannot be a source of supply. They are a threat, not supply.

And because if she, for example, would agree to engage in BDSM, it means she is a whore, and if she is a whore, she will fuck other men. She's not safe.

Then she's not safe. So she cannot be a safe source of supply. It's a contradiction. It's not possible.

He cannot have sexual honesty with his wife, for example, or life partner, intimate partner, with long-term committed relationship. He cannot, because it will negate the essence, her essence, because of which she had become his partner.

And so it's contradictory.

As to women who do practice BDSM, if I remember correctly, you asked if they were borderline.

I don't think that women who practice BDSM are necessarily borderline.

But I do think that women who are borderline would be more open, more amenable, to unusual or uncommon sexual practices. That has little to do with a partner.

It has to do with the borderline's enormous self-destructiveness. That's why borderlines mutilate, self-mutilate. That's why borderlines have a lot of suicidal ideation, and many of them commit suicide.

So she is very self-destructive, and she perceives BDSM, especially extreme BDSM. She perceives it as a way to self-trash, to punish herself, to destroy herself, simply.

So she cuts, not with a razor, but she cuts with a man. She uses a man to cut.

And so she would be, because that's one thing.

And the second thing, she has, borderlines have emotional dysregulation. Their emotions go up and down, and they're overwhelmed by the emotions. The emotions drown them. They feel that they're dying because of too much emotion.

So they palliate.

Palliate means they use external things to reduce the anxiety which is connected to the emotions, or emotional dysregulation. So they can use alcohol to reduce the anxiety which is connected. Or they can use men. So many of them use men.

But if you use men to reduce your anxiety because you're overwhelming emotions, you can't use men in an emotional way.

Your problem started with emotions. You can't fight emotions with more emotions. You need less emotions.

So your problem is emotional dysregulation. You're flooded with emotions. You pick up a man who will reduce your emotions, not increase them.

So you don't fall in love. You go to a man who will be totally emotionless.

Objectify you, dehumanize you, treat you as, you know, he will have zero emotions. His minus emotions and your plus emotions will bring you to stability, to zero.

That's why borderlines seek men who are essentially narcissists. That's why, so my very good friend, Joanne LaChaire, a famous psychoanalyst, she wrote a book in 1983, she was the first, called The Narcissistic Borderline Couple.

And it's true that borderlines team up with narcissists.

But I think what everyone missed, including my good friend, is that borderlines use narcissists to regulate their emotions.

The narcissist's total lack of emotions actually calms the borderline down. It's like, you know, it's like oil and water.

Her emotion of dysregulation is great.

And then there's this guy who turn over, do this, lick my feet, you know, is totally impersonal and unemotional. And it has a calming effect, in effect.

And so she can re-regulate her emotions.

She does this service.

As the narcissist uses other people for ego functions to regulate his internal environment, borderline uses other people for same thing, to regulate not her internal environment, but to regulate her emotions and moods, her liability and her dysregulation also.

So, narcissists are the best for this, because they are non-existent.

Another activist who was a British college, also introduced to him as an artist. He was within an ovavative system. And named them given dates and an example of this work, wonders to come, Move this'll be a real intensive work done for him.

That's what he did. And that's the line he taught me about a firm of entrepreneurs about.

Today, in almost every year, Narcissists engage in these practices for the same reason that borderlines cut.

Borderlines use razors to cut or burn with cigarettes. Narcissist does this for the same reason, psychodynamic reason.

When the narcissist doesn't have narcissistic supply, for example, or when the narcissist fails and becomes collapsed narcissist, he feels dead.

In the absence of supply, the narcissist cannot regulate his internal environment, and because he has no access to his internal environment, he feels that he doesn't exist.

There is a famous painting by Dalí, Salvador Dalí, Galatea, and it's a painting of a woman, and the upper part, she becomes molecules, she disintegrates.

And this is how the narcissist feels when there's no supply or when he is collapsed. He has no access to his internal environment, because other people don't provide him with supply and so on, and so he feels that he's disintegrating.

To remind himself that he's alive, he needs to experience pain, which is exactly the psychodynamic reason for cutting.

But when you ask borderlines, why do you cut?

They say, I feel alive. When I cut, I feel alive. It reminds me that I exist.

The same with the narcissist.

After the narcissist, and that's why it's also pretty rare, it's not very common, narcissist will do it once a year.

After this practice, the narcissist feels alive, but he has the memory of the practice.

It is not about what he had done. The shame was about that he needed to do it at all, that he was weak, that he needed someone. Whenever the narcissist depends on someone or needs someone, even for supply, he is very ashamed and angry.

Shame is a crucial part of narcissism.

Many, like Masterson, think that narcissism starts with shame, that it's a reaction to shame.

Symington, others. It's a reaction to shame.

So shame is provoked by any dependence on the third party, because of course shame was associated originally with dependence on mother.

So in the child's mind, love, pain, dependence go together. It's a package.

If you love, you will be hurt. And if you love, you will depend. Everything is connected.

Therefore, he hates it that he needed someone to help him, because it's help. He hates it. He hates that he needs supply. He hates that he needs dominatrix. He hates it that he depends.

And this is what you call shame. It's actually not shame. It's self-directed rage.

Why was I weak? Why couldn't I solve this problem myself? Why did I have to rely on someone else?

Of course, it's not a treatment for narcissism. It has beneficial psychodynamic effects.

This brings the narcissist back to life.

And for a while after such a session, the narcissist will appear to be animated, human, more empathic, and so forth and so forth, simply because he came back to life.

Compared to the previous state, it looks more human.

But it has zero long-term effects, or even medium-term effects on the underlying narcissism.

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