Narcissist’s Betrayal Fantasy Painful Mommy Separation

Uploaded 1/10/2023, approx. 36 minute read

Since I released the video "One Narcissist Relationship Cycle", people have been misidentifying narcissists with car calls.

Both the narcissist and the car call push their intimate partners to be with others. Not all narcissists, but many narcissists do.

But these narcissists are not car calls. The reason for what the narcissist does is not the same as the car calls motivation. The car call is motivated by pain. He is an emotional masochist. The narcissist's reason is that he wants to experience betrayal.

The narcissist, in other words, has a betrayal fantasy.

My name is Sam Vaknin. I'm the author of Malignant SelfLove, Narcissism Revisitedand I'm a professor of psychology in CIAPS Center for International Advanced and Professional Studies, the Outreach arm or program of the SIAS Consortium of Universities.

Let me button my upper button. Right? I don't want to titillate you.

Okay, Shoshanim, let's delve right in.

Narcissistic supply, even sex, are anxiolytic. In other words, they serve to reduce anxiety.

The reason the narcissist pursues narcissistic supply and the reason the somatic narcissist engages in sex is because it makes them feel good. And it makes them feel good because these reduce anxiety. They mitigate it.

But there's another thing that makes the narcissist feel vindicated, elated, somehow relieved. And that thing is betrayal.

Narcissists have been betrayed in early childhood. The narcissist has been betrayed by his mother in early childhood.

He seeks to recreate this betrayal throughout life. He chooses fake friends who bed-mouth him, steal from him, poach his mates and betray him. He behaves obnoxiously and abusively to make people hate him and then hurt him. And he pushes his intimate partners to betray him in a variety of ways, including by cheating on him.

Soit's all about the pursuit of betrayal. It's all about fulfilling some fantasy of betrayal.

What is this fantasy? Why does the narcissist need to be betrayed? What is the role of betrayal in the narcissist's psychological economy? What processes does betrayal bring on and aboutand where does it all culminate? What is the aftermath?

This is the topic of today's video.

Remember, just a refresher, narcissists convert their intimate partners to substitute mothers in order to accomplish separation individuation.

The narcissist's original mother did not allow him to separate from her and did not let him become an individual.

This is an unfinished business. It's an unfinished agenda.

The narcissist has to go through this phase in order to become an adult and then an individual. And the narcissist goes through life engaging in what Freud called a repetition compulsion.

He keeps choosing intimate partners within a shared fantasy. He then converts these intimate partners into mother figuresand he then tries to separate from his intimate partners by devaluing the intimate partner and then discarding her.

This is a replay, a reenactment of the separation individuation that he had never had with his original mother.

One way to make separation individuation happen is by insistently and persistently pushing the partner to betray the narcissist. For example, by being with another person. I'm going to use from this moment on, I'm going to use the male gender pronoun, but it's utterly interchangeable, utterly interchangeable with a female pronoun.

There are 50% of narcissists, diagnosed narcissists today are women. So as I said, one way to bring about separation individuation is by pushing your partner to betray you somehow.

And I'm going to use the example of cheating because cheating is the ultimate betrayal. Cheating is a total rejection of the narcissist as a man, as a lover, as a person, and as an intimate partner. There is no greater rejection than cheating by the person you trusted and loved.

So when the narcissist pushes his partner to betray him, this way, the separation from the partner is coupled with debilitating pain.

Why would the narcissist choose an option that involves agony, excruciating, writhing pain? Why would he do this? Why doesn't he simply, I don't know, devalue the partner and then discard her? Or why does he simply break up and move on? Why does he have to go through this drama of betrayal and in the example that I'm using, being cheated on, sometimes ostentatiously, egregiously, and life-threateningly, painfully? Why would he choose this?

Because he wants the separation, he wants the separation to be coupled with pain.

Because if the separation is painful, it's irreversible and it's final.

The narcissist always mourns and grieves the mother fantasy, not the actual departed intimate partner. The narcissist couldn't care less about his intimate partner. She's interchangeable. She's fungible. She's an extension of himself. She's a mere internal object, a snapshot.

It's not about the intimate partner. It's about the loss of the fantasy. The narcissist separates not with his reallife spouse or not from his reallife girlfriend. The narcissist separates from the fantastic, imaginary maternal figure that she had become in his mind through the process of snapshotting or introjection.

So in order to efficaciously separate from the partner, the narcissist needs to make it so harrowingly painful that he would never, ever go back. The process is rendered irreversible by the agony involved in it.

The narcissistthereforeis not a masochistic cuckold. The narcissist does not get sexually aroused by the cheating, as a cuckold would do.

On the contrary, the narcissist's subsequent suffering causes him extreme depression and a marked decrease or disappearance of the libido of the sex drive.

Now, narcissists become asexual in the wake of such betrayal and cheating. This is the exact opposite of cuckoldry. Cuckolds are sexually aroused by the betrayal and by their cheating. Their libido increases, not decreases, and they're not depressed, they're just in pain.

Back to the topic.

Normal people react to mate poaching with mate guarding or sexual gatekeeping. In other words, if someone is trying to take away your spouse or your boyfriend or your girlfriend, you're likely to react very aggressively by fending off the intruder, isolating your intimate partner from the wannabe mate and generally restricting her movements, maybe even spying on her.

These are typical behaviors, but not with the narcissist. The narcissist reacts to mate poaching. The narcissist reacts to attempts to poach his mate, to steal away his mate, with the exact opposite. He reacts with mate sharing. He actually engages in projective identification. He pushes his intimate partner towards the poacher.

When another man shows interest in the narcissist's spouse or the narcissist's girlfriend, the narcissist is not likely to react by guarding his intimate partner, isolating her, sequestering her or demanding that she cuts all contact with the poacher.

On the contrary, he is likely to offer his spouse or girlfriend to the newcomer, to the male who is interested in her. And he is likely to do this in a very aggressive way, is likely to actually orchestrate the whole event.

The cheating is likely to push his intimate partner by abusing her or by extolling the virtues of the new man, idealizing him to her so that he renders the new man irresistible.

This is mate sharing with the man she would cheat with. Often the narcissist actually chooses this man himself. He chooses the cheating partner of his spouse or girlfriend.

It's all part of a play, a theater play, a production kind of movie. And it's all about the narcissist's betrayal fantasy.

He needs to be betrayed because having been betrayed, he experiences such pain that facilitates the separation and not only facilitates the separation, but makes it irreversible.

Having idealized his partner, the narcissist's self-idealization, and curiosity depends on his ownership of her. This is known as co-idealization.

When the narcissist idealizes his partner, he is also idealizing himself by owning the partner. It's like he is saying, "I own this perfect object. That means that I am perfect."

So relinquishing his partner to another man, handing his partner, his mate, his spouse, his girlfriend, handing her to another man undermines the narcissist's sense of self-worth.

Actually results in self-devaluation so extremely that the narcissist's internal bad object takes over and the dual messages of the bad object are amplified.

You're not lovable. You don't deserve happiness because you're not good enough.

I'm going to repeat this because everything I'm describing here is totally counterintuitive and outside the experience of the vast majority of humanity.

The narcissist's converts his intimate partner to a mother figure.

Then he needs to separate from her. The best way to separate from her irreversibly is to force her to betray him.

The most exquisite form of betrayal is cheating. The narcissist pushes his partner to cheat on him. He introduces her to eligible men. He praises them and idealizes them and idolizes them so that they become irresistible. He makes sure that she meets them continuously.

Finally, if all else fails, he actually demands that she sleeps with the other guy or have a romance with the other guy. He needs her to betray him. He needs her to betray himand the narcissist's partner feels this.

She keeps saying, "It's as if you would be angry at me if I don't do it." And indeed, the narcissist would be because his overriding need is to separate from her. He can't separate from her unless she does something really, really bad, unless she misbehave egregiously, unless her misconduct cannot be overlooked.

He needs her to be evil. He needs her to really, really misbehave so that he can just say goodbye in good conscience and attain the high moral ground and feel like a victim.

These are the conditions for separation.

And even though handing over his partner to another man is possibly the most excruciatingly painful experience imaginable, it is far better. It is far more tolerable. It is far more bearable than not being able to separate from your intimate partner.

The narcissist needs to separate from the intimate partner because if he doesn't, there is going to be a replay, a reenactment with the terrifying dynamics with your original mother, which involve life-threatening shame and other negative effects.

The narcissist is compelled to separate from his partner and he besieges her. He asks her to help him to do that by misbehaving, by betraying him on some occasions with another man.

I'm using the example of cheating, but it could be any form of betrayal.

Remember that once the betrayal is accomplished, the bad object inside the narcissist takes over. The bad object are the voices of the dead mother and other sadistic, harsh, disparaging, inner critic voices.

So these voices tell the narcissist these introjects create, generate automatic negative thoughts. And the two dominant ones are, you see, she cheated on you. She betrayed you. She chose another man over you. You're not good enough. You are not lovable and you don't deserve happiness and you will never have happiness because no one will ever love you.

Even this intimate partner, as you see, the minute she met another man, she just walked away. The bad object inside the narcissist now essentially takes over as a narcissist is in a process of extreme, extreme life-threatening self-devaluation.

At the same time, the narcissist is also very envious of the other man with whom the spouse or the girlfriend had cheated. The other man now possesses the good idealized object. The other man now is the owner of the narcissist intimate partner. Her introject, the internal object that represents the partner inside the narcissist mind is still idealized.

So now the other man is in charge of the idealized snapshot of the idealized internal object in the narcissist mind. It's as if the other man had reached into the narcissist mind and absconded with the good object inside it, which represents the intimate partner.

And this feels like selfharm or self-mutilation. It feels like the narcissist feels like a self-destructive fool for having handed over, for having handed this intimate partner over to a man.

And he envies this man for possessing her. And he says to himself, "I used to possess this intimate partner. I used to be in charge and I used to be the owner of the idealized object. This other man used to envy me. This other man wanted to possess her. This other man desired her.

And now this other man had replaced me in her heart and mind."

And this is a horrible feeling.

The narcissist has usually a referential ideation, which in this case are probably true.

And he believes that the other man is bad mouthing him as a predator or a monster. He believes that the other man has taken over the heart and mind of his intimate partner by casting him as an abuser.

In other words, the narcissist realizes that he is trapped in the Carpmann drama triangle. He is the abuser, his intimate partner is the victimand the third man, the third party, the man who she is cheating with is actually a rescuer or a savior. He has attained the role of a predator and a monster.

And this was all he is doing. He made it all happen. He orchestrated the whole thing. He pushed the parties towards each other, never mind how many times they protested against it. He insisted, even became indignantif they wouldn't obey him.

He feels, the narcissist feels that his repetition, compassion renders him defenseless, disrespected by everyone involved, weak, even pathetic. And he consoles himself by clinging to the fact that he had made all this happen. He was in charge and everyone involved was merely a puppet. He was the puppet master and they were just puppets enacting the drama of his betrayal.

That is not far from the truth. It usually is true.

And yet it's not enough to reduce or to ameliorate the narcissist's seething envy of the other man with whom his intimate partner is cheating. It's not enough to reduce the sense of utter helplessness in the face of such powerful inner compulsions. It's not enough to allay the overwhelming sense of loss and the huge sadness that sweeps over the narcissist in waves in the aftermath.

The narcissist hates to do this. He doesn't want to do this. These are the worst moments in his life in the wake of betrayal by an intimate partner.

He would rather avoid all this, but he has no option. He has no option.

This is a compulsion, a repetition compulsion. And like every other compulsion, there's no way out. There's no way to counter it. There's no way to negate it.

He needs, he needs to separate from the maternal figure that his intimate partner had become. He needs to let go of her. And he needs her to let go of him.

And this needs to be done in such a clear cut and ostentatious manner so that there's no doubt of the separation and it cannot be reversed.

The narcissist perceives the men that his partner is cheating with as superior to him in some ways.

Why does he do that?

Narcissists don't like to feel inferior. Narcissists like to feel superior.

Why in this particular case, in the betrayal drama, in the betrayal fantasy, why does the narcissist want to feel inferior to the men his spouse or girlfriend had chosen over him?

The men that he pushed her to choose.

Again, there is an artificial resemblance to the cuckold. The cuckold is a masochist and he does often feel inferior to the bull. The bull is the third party, the other man, who is having sex with his wife.

But the resemblance ends here. The reason the cuckold wants to feel inferior is because he wants to experience pain because pain arouses him sexually.

That's not the case with the narcissist. Absolutely not the case.

The reason the narcissist wants to feel inferior to the man his wife is having or months of sex with is because this way he can be a child again.

Remember, separation individuation is an early childhood process. It takes place between the ages of 18 and 24 months.

In order for the narcissist to separate effectively, to really separate and to have a chance at becoming an individual, the narcissist needs to go back in time and become a child again. He needs to regress and infantilize himself because only children separate and individually.

And so he needs to feel that his spouse and or his girlfriend is the adult. She is the mother. The other man who is now having an affair with her or fleeing or casual sex or whatever, that other man is an adult too.

There are two adults doing this. Two adults are betraying him, but he is not an adult. He is a child. He's a child.

Mother is cheating with him, cheating on him with a real man. I repeat, mother, his intimate partner, is cheating on him with a real man. He is not a real man because he's a child, because he can separate from mother only as a child. He cannot be a grown up in this game. He needs to infantilize and of coursechildren by definition are inferior to adults.

By rendering the other men an adult, by considering the other men to be a grown up, the narcissist is actually saying, you're a grown up, you're an adult, I'm a child, I'm much inferior to you. And my intimate partner is my mother.

So in this drama, in this triangular drama, usually triangular drama, the narcissist uses his intimate partner and her lover as props. They are the adults compared to which or compared to whom he is a child.

And now as a child, the preconditions for separation are fulfilled. There's a devalued mother, there's a painful breakup in a reenacted childhood, and there is an adult figure resembling very much a father figure who is taking away mother from the child, a reenactment of the Oedipal Oedipus complex.

Of course, all the drama, all the betrayal drama and the betrayal fantasy involves splitting as a precondition for individuation. The child in this story is all good. The child is a victim. Mother and her lover, mother and the other men, they're all bad.

Now that the child is all good and mother and her lover are all bad, the child can safely separate from mother. Actually, it feels safe to separate. He has an incentive to separate because mother is threatening, ominous, she's a bad person, bad object, bad external object.

So now the narcissist has an incentive to separate. Having devalued her, having rendered her a bad external object, the narcissist tells himself it's the right time, it's the right thing to do, to say goodbye because these people are evil, they're dangerous, they don't love me the way a child would think.

So let me summarize this part for you. Thisis really a mind bender.

The narcissist wants to separate from his mother, from the maternal figure, from the intimate partner. To separate from a maternal figure, he needs to be a child again. To be a child again, he needs to regard the mother figure, the intimate partner, as an adult and he needs to regard the other man with whom she's cheating or having an affair as another adult. There are two adults there and they're betraying him together. Together they're betraying him and now that they betrayed him, he is in huge pain. He is in pain because these two adults are evil, they're victimizing him, they hate him, they don't love him. The bad object inside the narcissist keeps telling him you're not lovable, you don't deserve happiness, you're not good enough. You see, she has chosen someone else over you.

So at that point the narcissist is ready to separate.

He says to himself, "anyhow I'm not lovable, no one can love me, she hates me, her lover hates me, her lover is superior to me because I'm a child and he's an adult, of course, she would go for a real man, not for a child, so she would never come back to me.

I am ready to separate because I'm all good in this story. Even though I orchestrated everything, even though I made it happen, even though I pushed them towards each other, they didn't have to do what they're doing. They could have abstained, they could have refrained from doing this, that they are doing this, proves how much they hate me, that they ended up complying with my wishes and demands, just goes to show how disrespected I am and how hateful I am.

And so now he's ready to separate, in the process he involves the ancient primitive defense mechanism of splitting. I'm all good, I'm a victim, I'm a child, a molested childand this evil woman who is my mother, or maternal figure, she as a lover, who is as evil as she is, they both betrayed me.

And now he's willing to say goodbye.

Now this is engineers, the whole situation of betrayal. He's fully in control of it. He selects mates for his wife, he selects mates as his wife or as his girlfriend, he selects mates that are more likely to collaborate in realizing the betrayal fantasy. He selects mates who would betray him, he selects mates who would cheat on him, promiscuous mates, unboundary mates, mentally ill mates, he selects spouses and girlfriends who are likely to go along with the betrayal drama. Such women are anyhow prone to fantasyand they collude with the narcissist to the point of complying with his wishes, even when his demands of them are egodystonic, even when what he is asking of them to do, he is perceived by them as wrong, they are unhappy with it, they don't want to do it. He kind of broadcasts to them, you should cheat on me and they say I don't want to cheat on you, I don't want to cause you pain, I never did this before, I don't want to do this or I did this before and I don't want to do it again, but he keeps pushing relentlessly, he keeps brainwashing them, he keeps entraining them, he keeps grinding them to the point that they say okay, in order to remain in the fantasy, we're going to do this.

In their minds, if they do this, if they cheat on himfor example, it would make them closer to him. If they cheat on him, it's an act of intimacy. If they cheat on him, he's going to reclaim them and he's going to love them even more because they have complied with his wishes, but of coursethey don't realize the narcissist wants them to cheat in order to get rid of them.

The narcissist wants his intimate partner to cheat on him or to betray him in some other way, so that he can separate from her finally and irreversibly.

Narcissist abuses his intimate partner, prompts them, he prompts her to betray him, he sets the stage even to the point of choosing the other men, introducing him to her and making sure they spend a lot of time together and then acting as a kind of cupid, promoting that other man, idealizing him and idolizing him, telling his intimate partner he's your perfect match, don't ever let him go, don't let go of this opportunity.

It is important to note that the fantasy of the narcissist is that of having fallen victim, to an evil partner which is reminiscent of his real dead mother, dead, I meanpsychologically, not physically. The dead mother is narcissistic, selfish, absent, instrumentalizing, identifying, dead mother.

So he's the fantasy, the betrayal fantasy, is that I'm going to be a victim of a partner, an intimate partner, who is essentially a mother substitute, but she would be as evil, as betraying and as hurtful, she would cause me as much pain as my original mother.

The fantasy is mostly counterfactual, it's delusional, it's persecutory, in realityit is the narcissist who literally coerces, forces his partner to cheat on him in a variety of ways. I don't know of any, there are very few partners who could resist this unless they walk away.

So it is the narcissist who sets everything in motion, he is the deus and he is the machino, he is the puppet master, everyone is manipulated into acting the roles and the parts, inestatably, of betrayaland yet in his mindhe is a victim, in his mindhe is being persecuted, in his mindhe did nothing to deserve this, in his mindit was all a test that they had failed, a loyalty test that his intimate partner had failed and his friendfor examplehad failed, in his mindit's kind of make-belief, not real, a simulation.

And when things actually do happen and he is betrayed or cheated on, he is reduced to smithereens, he falls apart, he literally falls apart, he disintegrates.

The fantasy that he has of himself as a victim, victim of an evil partner and her even more evil lover, this fantasy is not trueof course, so he has to defend it fiercely against reality, against the facts. He needs to believe that he had been betrayed, he needs to believe that he is a victim because an efficacious separation individuation depends on this belief, depends on this fantasy that the maternal figure, the intimate partner, is bad and that the other party is equally bad.

He needs to sustain this fantasy in order to say goodbye and never look back.

His original mother had left in his mind a legacy, a trace, a sadistictormenting introject, a voice that his enemy, his hostile voice, voice that wants to destroy him, a voice that pushes him to incredible acts of self-harm and self-mutilation, to self-punitive actions that defy belief.

And now what he does, he superimposes the bad object, he superimposes the sadistic original mother introject on the introject of his intimate partner.

So once the intimate partner had cheated on him or betrayed him in some way, the road is open and he can merge the introjects, he can merge the original mother introject which is hateful, keeps telling him that he's not lovable, emerges it with the intimate partner introject.

As an aside, this attempt is doomed to failure because it has some inherent contradictions. I recommend, I advise you to watch the video I've made about hovering.

Why does the narcissist hover?

But back to our topic, the narcissist distorts reality, he refrains reality, he deceives himself into accepting a version of the events which is largely untrue, but a version of the events which is excruciatingly agonizing and therefore conducive to separation/individuation.

He adopts a fable of rejection, humiliation, and victimization.

But it's not true, it's a confabulation.

This confabulation is intended to buttress and magnify the twin messages of the bad object. You are no good and therefore deserve no happiness and you're not lovable.

So in the aftermath of the betrayal and the cheating, the narcissist feels so down, so depressed because his bad object is tormenting him. The bad object is infused with new power because remember the bad object is the original mother introject. It hates the narcissist, it's sadistic. And now that it had merged, now that it had been merged with the introject of the cheating or betraying intimate partner, it is much more powerful, it is much stronger, it overcomes and overwhelms the narcissist.

Indeed, he becomes dysregulated, very similar to borderline.

At that point, the only solution or resolution is to start all over again with a new partner in order to internalize a good idealized object which will be able to somehow balance the bad object, the rampant bad object.

To summarize, the narcissist converts his intimate partner to a maternal figure.

He needs to separate from her because he has unfinished business with his original mother or his original mother did not allow him to separate individually. He needs to do it with his intimate partner. He pushes his intimate partner to betray him, for example, to cheat on him with another man. He coerces her to do it even if she doesn't want to. And he does this because betrayal and cheating cement the power of the separation.

Having been betrayed, having been cheated on, the separation becomes strong, irreversible and final. The narcissist believes that now he can move on and individually.

Regrettably, this doesn't happen for reasons that I mentioned in the video on hoovering.

But one more important reason is that he has now, in the aftermath, in the wake of the betrayal, in the wake of the cheating, he has to merge the original mother introject, the hatefulsadistic introject, the voice in his mind, her voice in his mind, with the introject of the betraying and cheating intimate partner.

This creates a much stronger bad object inside his mind. And then he's driven to the point of suicidality. He becomes suicidal. He becomes borderline, dysregulated, he can't sleep at night, he can't eat, he doesn't take care of his health, he neglects himself, he's super depressed and he contemplates suicide repeatedly.

To emerge from this state, the only solution is to affect another fantasy, to emotionally invest in another fantasy.

Remember, the narcissist is never emotionally invested in any real life person. The narcissist is incapable of perceiving external objects as external. He creates immediately an internal object that represents the external object.

And he continues his interactions exclusively with the internal object, with the snapshot.

So he needs now to find someone, another person, another spouse, another life partner, another intimate partner, another girlfriend, needs to find someone which he can then convert into an internal object, imbue her with maternal properties. She's idealized, she's a good mother in his mind, and she's fighting off the bad mother.

For a while, peace is restored and tranquility.

The narcissist is happy. He love-bombs, love-bombs his newly found mother.

But then the cycle kick-starts again and he has to separate from this maternal figure as well.

And it all reconvences.

I recalled certain phrases and sentences that my intimate partners told me, my girlfriends, my wives, they told me because I subjected all of them to this cycle successfully.

The overwhelming vast majority of them ended up being with other men, sometimes as fast as four days or six days. I'm good at what I do. They succumbed to the betrayal fantasy. They faded into it and they played their own to perfection.

But in the process and definitely in the aftermath, when they woke up from this simulation, from this dream state, and they realized what they had done, many of them became very egodystonic. Even those who did not become egodystonic realized that they had been played and manipulated into the role.

So they spoke to me.

As an example, one of them told me, I thought you were getting rid of me. I thought you wanted me to sleep with another man. Another one told me, I thought you hate me and you would be angry if I do not go to the other man. You love pain and you will do anything to be in pain. You push your woman to cheat in order to be able to say that mommy again betrayed poor baby. Another one told me, we agreed and you insisted that I try to have a baby with another man. You love pain. You push your women to cheat and then you're in pain.

And Richard Grennell, my fake friend, told me, everyone is your puppet because you want to prove to yourself that every woman will betray you and he's a whore like your mother.

So people around the Narcissist do notice what he's doing. They interpret most of his actions properly, but they help us to resist.

Resistance is futile.


Because they themselves are addicted to fantasy. They have powerful fantasy defenses.

When they fit into the Narcissist fantasy, they become intoxicated with it and they kind of derealize and depersonalize. They become dissociative. They act the part on autopilot. It's like they are in a dream state or some nightmarish landscape.

Even if they believe themselves to be embedded in reality, they are not. The only thing they are grounded in is the Narcissist betrayal fantasyunfolding inexorably as they play their parts zombie-like.

This is a post script with wine, of course.

So I forgot to mention in the original video that the Narcissist self-harming, the Narcissist self-destructiveness, self-mutilation, they are all forms of emotional disinvestment or de-cafexes in clinical terms.

The Narcissist, in order to separate, needs first to separate emotionally.

But all that you say, Narcissists have no emotions.

Yes, it's not emotions in the layman's terms. The Narcissists are emotionally invested. They are affected in the fantasy.

In order to separate, they need to de-cafet the fantasy. They need to withdraw the emotional investment in the fantasy.

This is a process of emotional disinvestment.

By harming himself, by causing himself pain, by buttressing and reaffirming the signals and voices of the bad object, the Narcissist is able to detach emotionally from the fantasy and to embark on separation.

I recommend that you watch a video titled Narcissist's Emotional Involvement Preventive Measures, EIPMs, on this channel. That's it. That's all I have to say. Nowto much, much more important things.

It's red wine, not what you're thinking.

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In a narcissist's mind, the sequence of idealization, discard, and devaluation is reversed compared to their behavior in reality. They idealize their partner, then emotionally discard them in their mind, and finally devalue them to justify the discard. However, in reality, they must devalue their partner before discarding them to keep them around for the devaluation process. This discrepancy occurs because the narcissist needs their partner to be present during the devaluation phase, which wouldn't be possible if they discarded them immediately after idealization.

How Narcissist Betrays YOU to Become Himself (Compilation)

Professor Sam Vaknin explains the narcissist's shared fantasy, which is a space where they can re-experience their childhood trauma safely. The shared fantasy has multiple stages, including co-idealization, dual mothership, mental discard, and devaluation. The narcissist's pursuit of betrayal in their relationships is not the same as a cuckold's motivation, as the narcissist seeks to recreate the betrayal they experienced in childhood. The narcissist's only meaningful relationships are within a shared fantastic space, which is highly addictive and generates stalking behaviors and virulent hatred. The narcissist uses a variant of this strategy in all intimate settings, for example, in friendships or interpersonal relations.

7 Phases of Shared Fantasy: Narcissist Needs YOU to Make Him Great Again

Professor Sam Vaknin's conceptual framework for understanding narcissists' interpersonal relationships is based on the idea of a shared fantasy. The process begins with co-idealization, where the narcissist idealizes their partner and themselves. This is followed by dual mothership, where the narcissist and their partner take on maternal roles for each other. The narcissist then mentally discards their partner, leading to devaluation and splitting. Finally, the narcissist may attempt to re-idealize their partner to resolve anxiety caused by the devalued internal representation of their partner.

When YOU Discard the Narcissist FIRST

The text discusses the consequences of discarding a narcissist before they have a chance to devalue and discard you. It explains the potential outcomes of this action, such as narcissistic injury or mortification, and the subsequent behaviors of the narcissist, including seeking revenge or finding a replacement. The text also delves into the narcissist's internal processes and their need to complete the stages of grief and mourning for the disrupted shared fantasy.

Adulterous, Unfaithful Narcissists: Why Cheat and have Extramarital Affairs?

Narcissists cheat on their spouses for several reasons. Firstly, they require a constant supply of attention, admiration, and regulation to regulate their unstable sense of self-worth. Secondly, they are easily bored and require sexual conquests to alleviate this. Thirdly, they maintain an island of stability in their life surrounded by chaos and instability. Fourthly, they feel entitled to anything and everything and reject social conventions. Fifthly, they feel that being married reduces them to the lowest common denominator. Sixthly, they are control freaks and initiate other relationships to reassert control. Finally, they are terrified of intimacy and adultery is an excellent tool to suppress it.

Snapshotting’s Role in Narcissist's Shared Fantasy

Narcissists have two types of relationships: pseudo intimate relationships and shared fantasies. The narcissist snapshots their intimate partner, introjects them, idealizes the resultant internal object, and then coerces their partner into conforming to this inner representation of them. The narcissist does this in order to push their partner away and complete separation and individuation with the new maternal figure, the intimate partner. The partner's reactions to this dehumanization and objectification can result in abandonment, triangulation with a third party, or succumbing and becoming a figment in the narcissist's shared fantasy.

From Grooming to Discard via Shared Fantasy: Cheat, Mortify, Exit

Professor Sam Vaknin discusses the cycle of relationships with a narcissist, which follows a pattern of five phases: grooming, shared fantasy, interstitial one with two options, mortification or anti-fantasy, and interstitial two. The narcissist creates a shared fantasy to extract sex, supply, and services from their partner, and the shared fantasy allows them to avoid true intimacy and commitment. Cheating is an option for women who want to escape the shared fantasy and create an alternative sanctuary with another man. The fourth phase, the anti-fantasy phase, occurs when the partner tries to transition from the shared fantasy to reality, and the narcissist becomes indecisive and approach avoidant. Mortification is crucial to end the shared fantasy, and the narcissist switches to internal or external mortification

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
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