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Narcissist's Certain Losses

Uploaded 10/8/2011, approx. 3 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

And affirmation.

This process demands the persistent investment of inordinate amounts of energy and time.

The narcissist appears to be hell-bent, obsessed, smitten and addicted to the pursuit of his sources of supply.

Yet a curious transformation occurs once he has secured and chained his sources.

Once he has shackled them, domesticated them, conditioned them.

The narcissist, often abruptly, suddenly loses all interest.

It is as though, having acquired his sources of supply, the narcissist takes them for granted. He treats them as he would inanimate objects, devoid of will and unable to free themselves from his mesmerizing mental grip.

Many sources of supply, weighed down by the tiring relationship with the narcissist. Many of these sources break loose and escape his venomous influence.

The delusion that the narcissist harbors, that he is in total control, crumbles as the narcissist is abandoned time and again by spouses, maids, friends and colleagues.

But he does not learn a lesson from it.

It is then, when the loss is tangible, that the narcissist regains his former zeal, an erstwhile further. He courts a long-neglected wife. He invests himself in a hated job. The friends spurn colleagues and gulfs with a natural warmth and empathy of offended friends.

It is very common for instance for the narcissist to rediscover the joy of sex with an adulterous partner. It is as though being cheated by his wife or husband rekindles in the narcissist a competitive urge, a possessive streak and a perverted carnal pleasure.

The narcissist professes to be shocked by the untoward behavior of a hitherto faithful spouse, a loyal friend or a patient neighbor.

He says, whatever happened to them? He wonders, what brought this on? Why did his wife cheat on him? Why did his colleagues demand his resignation? Why did his neighbor turn violent all of a sudden?

The narcissist is genuinely puzzled, very much as you would if your personal computer refused to obey your instructions for no good reason.

Fear of impending loss and doom, the narcissist embarks on a charm offensive, parading the most irresistible, brilliant, captivating, titillating, promising and thrilling aspects of his false self.

The aim is to reacquire that which has been forfeited to neglect and indifference, to rebuild relationships ruined by contempt and abuse, and thus to regain the dislaid found of narcissistic supply.

Needless to add that once these targets are reacquired or achieved, the narcissist reverts to all form and goes back to being impatient, abusive, negligent, emotionally absent, indifferent.

Until another round of losses loose and reanimated, the narcissist.

And this is what the narcissist is.

A sad, repetitive automaton, forever imprisoned by his own non-existence, by his need for others and his hatred and loathing of them.

Torn apart by these conflicting emotions, the narcissist appears to be a deranged automatic machine.

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Narcissist Has No Friends

Narcissists treat their friends like Watson and Hastings, who are obsequious and unthreatening, and provide them with an adulating gallery. Narcissists cannot empathize or love, and therefore have no real friends. They are interested in securing narcissistic supply from narcissistic supply sources. The narcissist overvalues people when they are judged to be potential sources of supply, and devalues them when no longer able to supply him, ultimately leading to the alienation and distancing of people.


Indifferent Narcissist

Narcissists lack empathy and are only interested in people as instruments of gratification. They lose interest in people who cannot provide them with narcissistic supply and proceed to devalue and discard them. The narcissist's emotional and physical absence from relationships is a form of aggression and defense against their own repressed feelings. Narcissism is a form of post-traumatic stress disorder that got ossified and fixated and mutated into a personality disorder.


YOUR LOVE, Intimacy FEARED: Narcissist’s Perfectionism, Envy

Narcissists experience intense ambivalence, simultaneously feeling love and hatred towards those they depend on, which is rooted in their perfectionism. This perfectionism serves as a defense mechanism against their deep-seated fear of failure and self-annihilation, leading them to avoid genuine intimacy and connection. The narcissist's internal landscape is marked by envy and a fragmented identity, as they struggle to integrate their perceived flaws with their idealized self-image. Ultimately, their relationships are characterized by a need to control and internalize others, reducing them to non-entities to protect their fragile sense of self and avoid the threat of envy.


Narcissist: I want it ALL and NOW! (Delayed Gratification and Entitlement)

Narcissists cannot delay gratification and are creatures of the here and now. They cannot form stable relationships, maintain a job or career path, or accumulate material wealth. The narcissist's life is characterized by jerky, episodic careers, relationships, marriages, and domiciles. The narcissist is possessed of a low self-esteem and is unable to love himself or others. The narcissist's interpersonal relationships are deformed and sick, and he recreates conflicts with his primary objects in his marriage.


Can Narcissist Truly Love?

Narcissists are incapable of genuine love, viewing others primarily as sources of narcissistic supply, which is essentially attention. They perceive their loved ones as objects or extensions of themselves, reacting with rage to any signs of independence or autonomy. There are two types of narcissists: one seeks stability and control, while the other craves chaos and drama, but both reduce their loved ones to mere props in their lives. Ultimately, the narcissist's so-called love is rooted in fear and self-interest, leading to a cycle of idealization and devaluation of those around them.


Issues in Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists devalue their sources of narcissistic supply because they resent their dependency on them, viewing their qualities as both necessary for supply and contemptible. This devaluation allows narcissists to reassert their superiority and control, as they perceive intimacy and dependency as threats to their uniqueness. They also experience boredom with their sources over time, leading to a cycle of seeking new supply when the current one becomes predictable. Ultimately, narcissists view all relationships as transactional, where any form of attention, whether positive or negative, serves to fulfill their need for validation and existence.


Narcissist Re-idealizes Discarded Sources of Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists maintain discarded sources of supply in a mental reserve and may seek them out when other options are unavailable, attempting to recycle these sources for validation. To reconnect with a devalued source, they must re-idealize it without admitting past mistakes, creating a narrative that reconciles their previous devaluation with the new idealized view. Old sources of supply should remain indifferent to the narcissist's attempts to reconnect, as this indifference is intolerable to them and deprives them of the attention they crave. Ultimately, narcissists view everyone as potential sources of supply, even enemies, as any emotional response, positive or negative, serves to validate their existence.


Narcissist: Til Uniqueness Do Us Part

Narcissists perceive themselves as unique while simultaneously denying the uniqueness of others, leading to a cycle of idealization and devaluation of their relationships. This temporal splitting results in viewing intimate partners as either perfect or malevolent at different times, reflecting a struggle with their own sense of self-worth. The narcissist's quest for uniqueness is often externally validated, relying on the opinions of others rather than an internal sense of self, which they lack. Consequently, their sense of uniqueness fluctuates based on external feedback, making them dependent on societal recognition and validation to maintain their self-image.


Self-destruction as Narcissistic Supply: Narcissist's Self-denial and Self-defeat

Narcissists frustrate others to satisfy their masochistic tendencies and sadistic urges. By withholding love, sex, and intimacy, they torment those around them while obstructing their own gratification. Self-denial, self-destruction, and self-defeat buttress the narcissist's sense of superiority and uniqueness, as they prove to themselves that they are the strongest and can overcome powerful desires and emotions. These behaviors and choices engender narcissistic supply, as they demonstrate the narcissist's independence from society, nature, and even themselves.


Does the Narcissist Envy YOU? (READ THE DESCRIPTION)

Narcissists do not envy individuals for their positive traits such as empathy and kindness; instead, they hold them in disdain and view them as dispensable. The narcissist's interest lies solely in what they can extract from others, focusing on their needs for sex, supply, and control rather than any genuine emotional connection. Positive qualities are seen as irritations that interfere with the narcissist's manipulative fantasies, leading to contempt for those who exhibit them. Ultimately, the narcissist perceives love and empathy as threats, believing that such emotions are either a sign of weakness or a manipulative tactic, resulting in a cycle of devaluation and discard.

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