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Narcissist's Certain Losses

Uploaded 10/8/2011, approx. 3 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

And affirmation.

This process demands the persistent investment of inordinate amounts of energy and time.

The narcissist appears to be hell-bent, obsessed, smitten and addicted to the pursuit of his sources of supply.

Yet a curious transformation occurs once he has secured and chained his sources.

Once he has shackled them, domesticated them, conditioned them.

The narcissist, often abruptly, suddenly loses all interest.

It is as though, having acquired his sources of supply, the narcissist takes them for granted. He treats them as he would inanimate objects, devoid of will and unable to free themselves from his mesmerizing mental grip.

Many sources of supply, weighed down by the tiring relationship with the narcissist. Many of these sources break loose and escape his venomous influence.

The delusion that the narcissist harbors, that he is in total control, crumbles as the narcissist is abandoned time and again by spouses, maids, friends and colleagues.

But he does not learn a lesson from it.

It is then, when the loss is tangible, that the narcissist regains his former zeal, an erstwhile further. He courts a long-neglected wife. He invests himself in a hated job. The friends spurn colleagues and gulfs with a natural warmth and empathy of offended friends.

It is very common for instance for the narcissist to rediscover the joy of sex with an adulterous partner. It is as though being cheated by his wife or husband rekindles in the narcissist a competitive urge, a possessive streak and a perverted carnal pleasure.

The narcissist professes to be shocked by the untoward behavior of a hitherto faithful spouse, a loyal friend or a patient neighbor.

He says, whatever happened to them? He wonders, what brought this on? Why did his wife cheat on him? Why did his colleagues demand his resignation? Why did his neighbor turn violent all of a sudden?

The narcissist is genuinely puzzled, very much as you would if your personal computer refused to obey your instructions for no good reason.

Fear of impending loss and doom, the narcissist embarks on a charm offensive, parading the most irresistible, brilliant, captivating, titillating, promising and thrilling aspects of his false self.

The aim is to reacquire that which has been forfeited to neglect and indifference, to rebuild relationships ruined by contempt and abuse, and thus to regain the dislaid found of narcissistic supply.

Needless to add that once these targets are reacquired or achieved, the narcissist reverts to all form and goes back to being impatient, abusive, negligent, emotionally absent, indifferent.

Until another round of losses loose and reanimated, the narcissist.

And this is what the narcissist is.

A sad, repetitive automaton, forever imprisoned by his own non-existence, by his need for others and his hatred and loathing of them.

Torn apart by these conflicting emotions, the narcissist appears to be a deranged automatic machine.

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How Narcissist's Victims Deceive Themselves

Narcissists cannot be cured and are a threat to those around them. Victims of narcissists often confuse shame with guilt and attribute remorsefulness to the narcissist when they are actually feeling shame for failing. Narcissists are attracted to vulnerable people who offer them a secure source of narcissistic supply. Healing is dependent on a sense of security in a relationship, but the narcissist is not interested in healing and would rather invest their energy in obtaining narcissistic supply. Narcissists lack empathy and cannot understand others, making them a danger to those around them.


Remain Friends with the Narcissist?

Narcissists are only friendly when they need something from you, such as narcissistic supply, help, support, votes, money, or sex. They also become friendly when they feel threatened and want to smother the threat with pleasantries. Narcissists are also over-friendly when they have just been infused with an overdose of narcissistic supply. Some people prefer to live with narcissists because they have been conditioned to treat narcissistic abuse as background noise and are compensated for the abuse by the thrills provided by living with a narcissist. However, inverted narcissists are typically unhappy and in need of help, which suggests that they are victims who experience the Stockholm Syndrome.


Narcissist Re-idealizes Discarded Sources of Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists keep discarded sources of supply in reserve and seek them out when they have no other supply source. They frantically try to recycle their old sources and re-idealize them without admitting to having been mistaken in the first place. To preserve their grandiosity, they come up with a narrative that accommodates both the devaluing content and the re-idealized image of the source. If you are an old source of narcissistic supply, simply ignore the narcissist as indifference is what they cannot stand.


Narcissist Has No Friends

Narcissists treat their friends like Watson and Hastings, who are obsequious and unthreatening, and provide them with an adulating gallery. Narcissists cannot empathize or love, and therefore have no real friends. They are interested in securing narcissistic supply from narcissistic supply sources. The narcissist overvalues people when they are judged to be potential sources of supply, and devalues them when no longer able to supply him, ultimately leading to the alienation and distancing of people.


Narcissists Hate Women, Misogynists

Narcissists view women as objects and use them for both primary and secondary narcissistic supply. They fear emotional intimacy and treat women as property, similar to the mindset of European males in the 18th century. Narcissists frustrate women by teasing them and then leaving them, and they hold women in contempt, choosing submissive partners whom they disdain for being below their intellectual level. The narcissist projects his own behavior and traits onto women.


Why Narcissist Devalues YOU (Hint: Wants YOU "Dead")

Narcissists devalue their partners as a form of self-defense and control. There are two types of devaluation: preemptive and reactive. Preemptive devaluation occurs when a narcissist is in a transitional state between overt and covert narcissism, and they devalue potential sources of supply to prevent the overt side from using them against the covert side. Reactive devaluation is a response to a perceived threat to the narcissist's grandiosity or control. Both types of devaluation are harmful to the victim and serve to maintain the narcissist's sense of power and control.


Can Narcissist Truly Love?

Narcissists are incapable of true love, but they do experience some emotion which they insist is love. Narcissists love their significant others as long as they continue to provide them with attention, or narcissistic supply. There are two types of narcissistic love: one type loves others as one would get attached to objects, while the other type abhors monotony and constancy, seeking instability, chaos, upheaval, drama, and change. In the narcissist's world, mature love is nowhere to be seen, and their so-called love is fear of losing control and hatred of the very people on whom their personality depends.


Can You Love the Narcissist and Rescue Him?

Victims of narcissists often resort to fantasies and self-delusions to cope with their pain, believing that they can rescue the narcissist from their misery and misfortune. However, loving a narcissist is difficult, and any attempt to relate to them emotionally is doomed to failure. Narcissists are addicts in pursuit of gratification through the drug known as narcissistic supply, and they hone in on potential suppliers like cruise missiles. Victims of narcissists can become bitter and self-centered, lacking in empathy, and become more like the narcissist over time.


Giving Narcissist Second Chance

Narcissists do not provide closure in relationships and will stalk, cajole, beg, promise, persuade, and ultimately succeed in doing the impossible to get you back. The narcissist will cast all interactions with you in terms of conflicts or competitions to be won. If you have resumed contact because you are manifestly dependent on the narcissist financially or emotionally, the narcissist will pounce on your frailty and exploit your fragility to the maximum. Ultimately, the narcissist will write the inevitable cycle of idealization and devaluation.


Narcissist Grooms Sources of Narcissistic Supply: Exploits Tragedy, Crisis, and Misfortune

Narcissists are callous and ruthless enough to exploit the tragedy of others. They are obsessed with the maintenance of their delicate inner balance through the ever-increasing consumption of narcissistic supply. The narcissist regards and treats his sources of narcissistic supply as full-fledged human beings, but only as long as they can provide him with what he needs. The narcissist always evaluates the victims of tragedies to see if they can become sources of supply or can be used as props in the theater of his life.

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