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Narcissist: I want it ALL and NOW! (Delayed Gratification and Entitlement)

Uploaded 9/17/2014, approx. 4 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Narcissists cannot delay gratification. They want it all, they want it now. They are creatures of the here and now, because they feel boundlessly entitled.

When forced to specialize or persist, they feel stagnation and death.

It is not a matter of choice, but a structural constraint.

This is the way a narcissist is built. This is his model soporandi, and his vacillating style of life and dizzying array of activities are written into his operations manual and his operating system.

As a direct result, the narcissist cannot form a stable marital relationship or reasonably devote himself to his family or maintain an ongoing business or reside in one place for long or dedicate himself to a single profession or to one career or complete his academic studies or accumulate material wealth.

Notice that I am using or not end. Some narcissists maintain an island of stability in their life, but all the rest is chaotic.

So they may have a stable marriage, but a very chaotic work life, exchanging careers kaleidoscopically. Or they may have a single job throughout their life, but get married five times.

So there is always an island of stability surrounded by an ocean of riding, roaming chaos.

Narcissists are often described as indolent, labile, unstable, unreliable, unable and unwilling to undertake long-term commitments and obligations or to maintain a job or a career path.

The narcissist's life is characterized by jerky, episodic careers, relationships, marriages and domiciles. The narcissist is volatile, erratic, flexible and ephemeral. Either we've touched upon the less malignant dimensions, but there is worse to come.

As always, there is with narcissists. The narcissist is possessed of a low self-esteem.

In public, the narcissist presents himself as the quintessential winner, but deep inside the narcissist judges himself to be a good for nothing, a loser, a bad object, a permanent, irreversible failure. He hates himself for being so, and he constantly envies everyone around him for a variety of reasons, ever-changing reasons.

The narcissist's discontent is often transformed into depression. Unable to love himself, the narcissist is unable to love another. He regards and treats people as though they were objects, he exploits and then discards them.

The narcissist mistreats people around him by asserting his superiority at all times, by being emotionally cold or absent, by constantly bickering, verbally humiliating, incessantly, unjustly criticizing, and by actively rejecting or ignoring people around him, including his nearest and nearest, thus provoking constantly uncertainty and unpredictability.

The narcissist's interpersonal relationships are deformed and sick. The longer the relationship, the more it is tinted by the pathological hue of narcissism.

In his marriage, the narcissist recreates the conflicts with his primary objects, parents or caregivers during his childhood.

The narcissist is immature in every walk of life, sex included. He tends to select the wrong partners or spouse. He does everything to bring about his greatest horror, abandonment.

Even his torturous supporters and lovers ultimately desert him. In the wake of such abandonment, the narcissist experiences, the horrifying and complete breakdown of his defenses.

He feels lonely, but his loneliness is of the existential, almost solipsistic guy. The whole world seems unreal to him, possessed of his nightmarish quality.

He either feels disproportionately guilty and assumes all the burden of blame, allocating none to his partner, or he blames him for everything, denying any personal responsibility, which is the more common response.

These moments may be the only occasions in which the narcissist is in touch with his emotions, an experience he has been trying to avoid all his life and at all costs to his mental health.

Learning the truth about his emotional infernity, the narcissist often entertains suicidal ideation. He cannot tolerate deforming his body, so he is inclined to use sleeping pills if at all.

But soon enough, the narcissist recovers and escapes into a new psychosexual liaison.

Another toy, another object of gratification, enters his world.

His emotional wounds are shallow, and they heal fast.

Only his ego is scarred, and memory repressed successfully by all narcissists, wherever they may be.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Giving Narcissist Second Chance

Narcissists do not provide closure in relationships and will stalk, cajole, beg, promise, persuade, and ultimately succeed in doing the impossible to get you back. The narcissist will cast all interactions with you in terms of conflicts or competitions to be won. If you have resumed contact because you are manifestly dependent on the narcissist financially or emotionally, the narcissist will pounce on your frailty and exploit your fragility to the maximum. Ultimately, the narcissist will write the inevitable cycle of idealization and devaluation.


Narcissist in Court and Litigation

Narcissists are skilled at distorting reality and presenting plausible alternative scenarios, making it difficult to expose their lies in court. However, it is possible to break a narcissist by finding their weak spots and using them to inflict pain. The narcissist is likely to react with rage to any statement that contradicts their inflated perception of themselves or suggests they are not special. They feel entitled to be treated differently from others and cannot tolerate criticism or being told they are not as intelligent or successful as they think they are.


Narcissist Has No Friends

Narcissists treat their friends like Watson and Hastings, who are obsequious and unthreatening, and provide them with an adulating gallery. Narcissists cannot empathize or love, and therefore have no real friends. They are interested in securing narcissistic supply from narcissistic supply sources. The narcissist overvalues people when they are judged to be potential sources of supply, and devalues them when no longer able to supply him, ultimately leading to the alienation and distancing of people.


Narcissist's Family

Narcissists perceive new family members, including siblings, children, and even pets, as threats to their narcissistic supply. They may belittle, hurt, or humiliate them, or retreat into an imaginary world of omnipotence. Some narcissists seek to manipulate new family members to monopolize attention and vicariously obtain narcissistic supply. As siblings or offspring grow older and become critical, the narcissist devalues and discards them, feeling stifled and trapped. The family disintegrates, and the cycle begins anew with the arrival of new family members.


Narcissist Between Shared Fantasy and Pathological Narcissistic Space

Narcissists appear unpredictable and complex, but they are actually simple, with the emotional age of a two-year-old. They are trapped between their need for a maternal figure in a shared fantasy and their desire to explore the world through a pathological narcissistic space. When they become disillusioned with either space, they transition between them using four strategies: termination, deception, undermining intimacy, and persecretory object fantasies. This constant movement between the two spaces creates the impression of unpredictability and capriciousness in the narcissist's behavior.


How Narcissist's Victims Deceive Themselves

Narcissists cannot be cured and are a threat to those around them. Victims of narcissists often confuse shame with guilt and attribute remorsefulness to the narcissist when they are actually feeling shame for failing. Narcissists are attracted to vulnerable people who offer them a secure source of narcissistic supply. Healing is dependent on a sense of security in a relationship, but the narcissist is not interested in healing and would rather invest their energy in obtaining narcissistic supply. Narcissists lack empathy and cannot understand others, making them a danger to those around them.


Narcissist as Eternal Child

Narcissists often refuse to grow up and remain in a state of infantilization, avoiding adult responsibilities and functions. This is because remaining a child caters to their narcissistic needs and defenses. Narcissists are often envious of children and try to emulate them, as children are forgiven for narcissistic traits and behaviors that adults are not. By remaining a child, the narcissist can indulge in these behaviors and not be punished for them.


Can Narcissist Truly Love?

Narcissists are incapable of true love, but they do experience some emotion which they insist is love. Narcissists love their significant others as long as they continue to provide them with attention, or narcissistic supply. There are two types of narcissistic love: one type loves others as one would get attached to objects, while the other type abhors monotony and constancy, seeking instability, chaos, upheaval, drama, and change. In the narcissist's world, mature love is nowhere to be seen, and their so-called love is fear of losing control and hatred of the very people on whom their personality depends.


Do Narcissists Truly Hate?

Narcissists are often adult versions of abused children who fear intimacy and seek to provoke hatred in parents, caregivers, and authority figures. They act out antisocially and seek to destroy the source of frustration. The narcissist's hatred is not a stable experiential state, but rather a transformation of resentment and an aggressive reaction to frustration. The narcissist is heavily dependent on other people for the regulation of their sense of self-worth, and they resent this dependence.


How Narcissist Experiences/Reacts to No Contact, Grey Rock, Mirroring, Coping, Survival Techniques

Narcissists are victims of post-traumatic conditions caused by their parents, leading to ontological insecurity, dissociation, and confabulation. They have no core identity and construct their sense of self by reflecting themselves from other people. Narcissists have empathy, but it is cold empathy, which is goal-oriented and used to find vulnerabilities to obtain goals. Narcissism becomes a religion when a child is abused by their parents, particularly their mother, and not allowed to develop their own boundaries. The false self demands human sacrifice, and the narcissist must sacrifice others to the false self to gratify and satisfy it.

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