Narcissist: I want it ALL and NOW! (Delayed Gratification and Entitlement)

Uploaded 9/17/2014, approx. 4 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Narcissists cannot delay gratification. They want it all, they want it now. They are creatures of the here and now, because they feel boundlessly entitled.

When forced to specialize or persist, they feel stagnation and death.

It is not a matter of choice, but a structural constraint.

This is the way a narcissist is built. This is his model soporandi, and his vacillating style of life and dizzying array of activities are written into his operations manual and his operating system.

As a direct result, the narcissist cannot form a stable marital relationship or reasonably devote himself to his family or maintain an ongoing business or reside in one place for long or dedicate himself to a single profession or to one career or complete his academic studies or accumulate material wealth.

Notice that I am using or not end. Some narcissists maintain an island of stability in their life, but all the rest is chaotic.

So they may have a stable marriage, but a very chaotic work life, exchanging careers kaleidoscopically. Or they may have a single job throughout their life, but get married five times.

So there is always an island of stability surrounded by an ocean of riding, roaming chaos.

Narcissists are often described as indolent, labile, unstable, unreliable, unable and unwilling to undertake long-term commitments and obligations or to maintain a job or a career path.

The narcissist's life is characterized by jerky, episodic careers, relationships, marriages and domiciles. The narcissist is volatile, erratic, flexible and ephemeral. Either we've touched upon the less malignant dimensions, but there is worse to come.

As always, there is with narcissists. The narcissist is possessed of a low self-esteem.

In public, the narcissist presents himself as the quintessential winner, but deep inside the narcissist judges himself to be a good for nothing, a loser, a bad object, a permanent, irreversible failure. He hates himself for being so, and he constantly envies everyone around him for a variety of reasons, ever-changing reasons.

The narcissist's discontent is often transformed into depression. Unable to love himself, the narcissist is unable to love another. He regards and treats people as though they were objects, he exploits and then discards them.

The narcissist mistreats people around him by asserting his superiority at all times, by being emotionally cold or absent, by constantly bickering, verbally humiliating, incessantly, unjustly criticizing, and by actively rejecting or ignoring people around him, including his nearest and nearest, thus provoking constantly uncertainty and unpredictability.

The narcissist's interpersonal relationships are deformed and sick. The longer the relationship, the more it is tinted by the pathological hue of narcissism.

In his marriage, the narcissist recreates the conflicts with his primary objects, parents or caregivers during his childhood.

The narcissist is immature in every walk of life, sex included. He tends to select the wrong partners or spouse. He does everything to bring about his greatest horror, abandonment.

Even his torturous supporters and lovers ultimately desert him. In the wake of such abandonment, the narcissist experiences, the horrifying and complete breakdown of his defenses.

He feels lonely, but his loneliness is of the existential, almost solipsistic guy. The whole world seems unreal to him, possessed of his nightmarish quality.

He either feels disproportionately guilty and assumes all the burden of blame, allocating none to his partner, or he blames him for everything, denying any personal responsibility, which is the more common response.

These moments may be the only occasions in which the narcissist is in touch with his emotions, an experience he has been trying to avoid all his life and at all costs to his mental health.

Learning the truth about his emotional infernity, the narcissist often entertains suicidal ideation. He cannot tolerate deforming his body, so he is inclined to use sleeping pills if at all.

But soon enough, the narcissist recovers and escapes into a new psychosexual liaison.

Another toy, another object of gratification, enters his world.

His emotional wounds are shallow, and they heal fast.

Only his ego is scarred, and memory repressed successfully by all narcissists, wherever they may be.

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Narcissist's Objects and Possessions

Narcissists have a complex relationship with objects and possessions, with some being accumulators who jealously guard their belongings and others being discarders who give away their possessions to sustain their sense of control. Objects provide emotional decor and elicit narcissistic supply, and the narcissist often compares people to the inanimate. Narcissists collect proofs and trophies of their sexual prowess, dramatic talent, past wealth, or intellectual achievements, and these objects operate through the mechanism of narcissistic branding. The narcissist is a pathogen who transforms his human and non-human environment alike, objectifying people and anthropomorphizing objects to optimize or maximize narcissistic supply.

Do Narcissists Truly Hate?

Narcissists are often adult versions of abused children who fear intimacy and seek to provoke hatred in parents, caregivers, and authority figures. They act out antisocially and seek to destroy the source of frustration. The narcissist's hatred is not a stable experiential state, but rather a transformation of resentment and an aggressive reaction to frustration. The narcissist is heavily dependent on other people for the regulation of their sense of self-worth, and they resent this dependence.

Negative, Fake, Low-grade Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists crave attention, both positive and negative, and use it to regulate their sense of self-worth. They construct a false self and project it onto others to elicit admiration, adulation, and fear. Negative supply can become narcissistic supply when positive supply is scarce. Narcissists also crave punishment, which confirms their view of themselves as worthless and relieves them of the inner conflict they endure when they are successful.

Narcissist's Romantic Jealousy and Possessiveness

Narcissists experience anxiety when they become aware of their possessive and jealous tendencies. Anxiety characterizes all their interactions with the opposite sex, especially in situations where there is a possibility of rejection or abandonment. The narcissist's envy of their female mate is a result of an unconscious conflict, and they exercise their imagination to justify their negative emotions. Narcissists often strike an unhealthy balance by being emotionally and physically absent, which drives their partner to find emotional and physical gratification outside the relationship.

Narcissist Reacts to Criticism, Disagreement, Disapproval

Narcissists are hypervigilant and perceive every disagreement as criticism and every critical comment as complete and humiliating rejection. They react defensively, becoming indignant, aggressive, and cold. The narcissist minimizes the impact of the disagreement and criticism on himself by holding the critic in contempt, by diminishing the stature of the discordant conversant. When the disagreement or criticism or disapproval or approbation become public, the narcissist tends to regard them as narcissistic supply.

Narcissists Hate Women, Misogynists

Narcissists view women as objects and use them for both primary and secondary narcissistic supply. They fear emotional intimacy and treat women as property, similar to the mindset of European males in the 18th century. Narcissists frustrate women by teasing them and then leaving them, and they hold women in contempt, choosing submissive partners whom they disdain for being below their intellectual level. The narcissist projects his own behavior and traits onto women.

Self-destruction as Narcissistic Supply: Narcissist's Self-denial and Self-defeat

Narcissists frustrate others to satisfy their masochistic tendencies and sadistic urges. By withholding love, sex, and intimacy, they torment those around them while obstructing their own gratification. Self-denial, self-destruction, and self-defeat buttress the narcissist's sense of superiority and uniqueness, as they prove to themselves that they are the strongest and can overcome powerful desires and emotions. These behaviors and choices engender narcissistic supply, as they demonstrate the narcissist's independence from society, nature, and even themselves.

Narcissist Has No Friends

Narcissists treat their friends like Watson and Hastings, who are obsequious and unthreatening, and provide them with an adulating gallery. Narcissists cannot empathize or love, and therefore have no real friends. They are interested in securing narcissistic supply from narcissistic supply sources. The narcissist overvalues people when they are judged to be potential sources of supply, and devalues them when no longer able to supply him, ultimately leading to the alienation and distancing of people.

Narcissist Re-idealizes Discarded Sources of Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists keep discarded sources of supply in reserve and seek them out when they have no other supply source. They frantically try to recycle their old sources and re-idealize them without admitting to having been mistaken in the first place. To preserve their grandiosity, they come up with a narrative that accommodates both the devaluing content and the re-idealized image of the source. If you are an old source of narcissistic supply, simply ignore the narcissist as indifference is what they cannot stand.

Can Narcissist Truly Love?

Narcissists are incapable of true love, but they do experience some emotion which they insist is love. Narcissists love their significant others as long as they continue to provide them with attention, or narcissistic supply. There are two types of narcissistic love: one type loves others as one would get attached to objects, while the other type abhors monotony and constancy, seeking instability, chaos, upheaval, drama, and change. In the narcissist's world, mature love is nowhere to be seen, and their so-called love is fear of losing control and hatred of the very people on whom their personality depends.

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