Narcissists don't care if they give pleasure to someone. They are auto-erotic. They are focused on themselves as the source of erotic pleasure.
They must debate with other people's bodies. End of story.
Inevitably, the sexuality of patients with personality disorders is thwarted and stunted. The somatic narcissist flaunts his sexual conquests, parades his possessions, exhibits his muscles.
The cerebral narcissist is often celibate. Even when he has a girlfriend or a spouse, he usually abstains from sex. Usually, the bullying side, the side who withholds sex, would accuse the other party of being nagging.
And narcissists are very, very particular. A typical fetishist, for example, he likes feet, let's say, feet fetishes, foot fetishes. He would be not so choosy. A foot is a foot. Yeah, he likes this kind of foot. That kind of foot, but generally he likes feet. Not the narcissist.
The cerebral narcissist is indistinguishable from the schizoid. He is asexual and prefers activities and interactions which emphasize his intelligence or intellectual achievements.
Many cerebral narcissists are celibate even when they get married.
The cerebral's asexuality is total, not only with the intimate partner or life partner, or the source of secondary supply.
So when the cerebral is asexual, he does not respond to any sexual cues, sexual advances, courting by any possible sex partner. So, for example, let's take an extreme situation. He would enter his hotel room and there would be a beautiful naked woman waiting for him in bed. He would not respond. He would not react.
And this, of course, gives you the answer to porn because he would react to pornography. If he saw the same woman that was in his bed naked in a movie, in a pornographic movie, he would react to her. He would have an erection. He would masturbate. And he would ejaculate, watching her, but on a movie, not as a, and this again comes to the issue of libidoentanicals.
One of the reasons the cerebral narcissist finds it pretty easy to not have sex with other people and for very, very, very long periods of time. One of the reasons this is easy is because the narcissist of both types, somatic and cerebral, is autoerotic. In other words, he finds himself as the most exciting, arousing sexual object.
Somatic narcissists and the psychopath use their partner's bodies to masturbate with and their sexual conquests serve merely to prop up their wavering self-confidence in the case of the somatic narcissist or to satisfy a physiological need in the case of a psychopath.
Somatic narcissist and psychopath have no sexual playmates, only sexual play things. Having conquered the target, they discard it, withdraw and move on heartlessly. Sex with the somatic narcissist, pyrotechnics and acrobatic society is likely to be an impersonal and emotionally alienating and draining experience. The partner is often treated as an object, an extension of the somatic narcissist, a kind of toy, a warm and pulsating vibrator.
The autoeroticism is the key to the narcissist's sexuality and therefore makes it very easy for him to retreat. He is a narcissist, he is self-sufficient in everything.
A narcissist doesn't need any other people, he doesn't need emotions, he doesn't need sex, he is totally self-sufficient and so if he cannot get sex from, or doesn't want to get sex from outside, it's okay, he can supply his own sex. If he doesn't need emotions, the narcissist is really an autonomous, totally autonomous unit.
Constubation has always been universal, has always been universal, but when the narcissist masturbates, he is not the same, like a healthy person. When the narcissist masturbates, he is making love to himself. It's an autoerotic act, not a stimulatory physiological act.
The majority of healthy people masturbate, men and women, women a bit less, but men and women masturbate and when they masturbate, they do it essentially for physiological reasons.
The fantasies that go with masturbation ironically are extremely primitive and basic. The fantasies that are not connected to masturbation, daydreaming, are much more complex and they are more like erotic novels, more like Fifty Shades of Grey.
So when women have fantasies for example that are not connected to sex, they would have a very elaborate story about meeting up, you know, the gorgeous stud and how he rapes them and they will have a whole movie.
But when they masturbate, they usually would have one element or two and same with men.
So masturbation is essentially mechanical physiological stimulation of the genital to obtain release. It's about physiological release, not with the narcissist.
Narcissist, as usual, is opposite to healthy people. When he masturbates, he has very complex elaborate ornamatious fantasies which resemble books or movies when he masturbates.
Daydreaming of the narcissist is extremely basic.
I'm going to find a woman, I'm going to rape her. Extremely basic and a lot of narcissist's sexuality unfortunately that I must say that is society's fault, not the narcissist's fault.
A lot of this sexuality is stigmatized, is considered perverted, deviant, taboo. So the narcissist retreats, retreats. His fantasies would be widely considered sick, perverted, deviant and so he's ashamed.
He's ashamed to share. There is no such thing as perverse sexuality that makes the topic a bit difficult to discuss.
Victorian middle class values aside, if the sexual behavior harms no one, including one's self, and is consensual between consenting adults, then the sexual behavior is considered by psychologists and psychiatrists to be utterly both healthy and normal.
I repeat, there is no such thing as sexual perversion.
Narcissist, narcissist sadism and masochism appear from the outside are actually instrumental and functional. One of them is to control people, motivate them, control them and so on. It's nothing to do with classic sadism. There's no joy from the pain. The pain doesn't give pleasure. It's just a way of asserting control, establishing social order, obtaining results and in sexual settings the sadism is part of the power play that the narcissist plays in every field of his life.
And it's therefore not sadism. Sadism must have a component of emotion. The sadist loves to hurt people. He loves to cause pain, gives him pleasure to cause pain. That's not the case with narcissist. Narcissist doesn't derive pleasure from causing pain. He derives pleasure with what he can make people do using pain.
When the narcissist will seek masochism in sex or in discipline or when the narcissist will seek pain or hurt, wherever it is, it has nothing to do with masochism. It has to do again with obtaining goals or fulfilling functions.
So discipline will remind him of love and intimacy. If he's masochistic in a relationship with a woman, it will fulfill other functions. Maybe the woman wants it. Maybe it's always goal-oriented or functional or instrumental. It's never pleasure for the sake of pleasure. There's no such thing with a narcissist, by the way, in anything, not only sex. Spanking and not only spanking, discipline in German, whipping, spanking, many others, all these manifestations. They introduce certainty to the abuse. They make the abuse unequivocal, clear, certain, cannot be argued. In other words, it reduces anxiety. Discipline introduces certainty. Certainty reduces anxiety. That's why the narcissist feels much better after such a session. His anxiety is gone. Now, his anxiety is gone in spanking, for example, in ways which are like multitasking because not only the anxiety is gone, but he has a great feeling of intimacy.
Remember that in the narcissist's mind, pain is connected to love, connected to intimacy. Actually, because he causes a lot of it in his child's mind, it's all the same thing. It's all his inside, he's the outside. The outside is his inside. Pain is love. Not connected, is love. Love is pain. Everything is everything. So spanking has multiple purposes.
First of all, it clarifies the situation. It's clear that I'm going to abuse you. It's clear you will have discipline. It's not in the air.
So when will mommy attack me? Now, in one hour, in two hours, tomorrow, the next day. And I will leave in tension. I will leave in anxiety waiting for mommy to attack me. No, mommy will now take the paddle and attack me. It makes the situation clear. Clear, less anxiety, good feeling.
Second thing, it's intimate. It's intimacy involved.
First of all, my ass is naked. It's intimacy involved. And intimacy is intimately connected with abuse, with the pain, and intimately connected with love. So it's a loving act of intimacy involving unequivocal, clear pain. Not speculated pain, clear pain.
The clarity is crucial. Crucial.
Because it introduces intimacy, introduces love, introduces it.
Following the session, the narcissist would feel wonderful because he had received a dose of intimacy, a dose of love, a dose of clear abuse. So he doesn't have to be anxious. It has happened already. So he doesn't have to anticipate. And so he would feel wonderful. And he would feel doubly wonderful because his view of the world, his Weltanschau, his theory of the world, had been proven right. His theory of the world is there's no love without pain. There's no intimacy without pain.
And here it is. He received the spanking and it was like an experiment in physics. He tested the theory and he proved right. It's always gratifying when our theory of the world proves right.
In proper BDSM, there is actually no dominance of submission. The parties are partners. They negotiate a role play, like theater, where one of them plays the submissive, one of them plays the dominant. The submissive has a lot of say. She can stop the, I'm saying she because most submissive are women. She can stop the act. She can directly act. She can say, don't do this, do this. She can, so in typical BDSM, because there are extreme forms of BDSM like surrender, like I'm not talking about this, but in typical BDSM, the BDSM, by the way, that is practiced by 15%, one 5% of adult population in America, in the United States. It's much more common than people know.
So in this type of BDSM, it's accepted that the bottom, the sub has equal power to the top and sometimes more. It's a role play negotiated and so on. In this sense, BDSM does not fit narcissism. Narcissists do not like to negotiate. They hate to be with equal power equipotence.
So narcissists will be very bad in BDSM, actually.
However, many practices are subsumed under BDSM, which actually have little to do with classic BDSM. And these are extreme forms of BDSM.
And there, the narcissist finds pleasure. This is the BDSM, for example, BDSM, which is the kind of kink that involves humiliation that gives a narcissist pleasure because of the humiliation.
There is element here of dominance, converting the woman to a prostitute, humiliating her, punishing her. Narcissist is the outcome of a woman who tortured him and wants to punish all women. He's a misogynist. He hates women. So humiliation BDSM will work. Violent BDSM, choking, nipple pinching, shibari, these kind of things would appeal to narcissists. Absolutely.
A shibari, which is a part of a kanbuki, is not exactly bondage. It uses ropes, like in Western bondage. But the emphasis is not on bondage. The emphasis is on aesthetic values. The human body is used as a sculpture. The ropes are very special and they have aesthetic value. Narcissists are going to misinterpret Japanese practices as forms of super extreme dominance because the body is distorted and hung. They're going to love it because it looks like this is the real McCoy. This is torture. They're going to interpret it as torture, which would horrify Japanese.
So many narcissists practice this kind of things and couple it with actual violence, like nipple pinchers and drawing blood and vampirism. So shibari took a very ugly, decadent, deformed form in the West because it's been hijacked by violent people, aggressive people, psychopaths, narcissists. Hijacked, coupled with real violence, real damage, and made into a sick, malignant form of the original artistic practice.
Narcissists, therefore, does not engage in bondage. As I said, bondage is consensual. Bondage is to please the partner as much as to please yourself. Usually, actually, mostly to please the partner.
You are just an instrument. The domineering is an instrument in this case. Narcissists do not do bondage. They do, as I said, hostage nature.
And then they use the incapacitation of the victim to inflict severe pain and damage, non-consensual in many cases.
All these practices in the hands of narcissists have become cancerous and are extremely dangerous. I would never dare to have video sensation with narcissists or psychopaths. Never. Ever. And he doesn't see it the same way.
So you would say, what about pedophilia? Do you justify it? Of course not. Pedophilia does not involve consensual sex between consenting adults.
So what about coprophagia using feces for sex playing? Well, that happens to be medically very dangerous to one's self and to others. It's also out of bounds and beyond the fail. It's also pathological. But even these are not considered called perversions. They are paraphilias. They are unusual sex practices.
The truth is that absolutely anything can be a sexual object. Absolutely anything can be an object of desire. And absolutely anything can create sexual arousal and excitation.
When I say anything, I mean anything. A roll of toilet paper, a ski outfit, a latex glove, the heel of a woman's shoe, the woman's foot, her nose, absolutely everything can and does create sexual arousal and excitation.
The overwhelming vast majority of humanity are fetishes. Even when you meet a woman, you reduce her to body parts. No one pays attention to the totality of a woman when he first sees the woman. The man immediately scans the breasts, the face, the feet, whatever, turns him on.
And so fetishism is the natural state of sexuality. Not an aberration, not a deviance, not a perversion. As Victorian sexuality would have us believe, and we are still living in Victorian age, fetishism is the normal state.
And the thing is that, as I said, fetishism is virtually unlimited.
So you can have people who are attracted to elements or components or ingredients that are unusual. It is not their attraction to a specific element that is unusual. It is the element that is unusual. The fact that they are attracted to something specific is not unusual. This is the rule. That's the common state. It's just that their choice of what to be attracted to is unusual.
But if you read textbooks in sexuality, psychology, they will tell you that being attracted to a specific element is sick, is unusual. She's a lie, simple lie. Any sexologist will tell you it's a lie. But it's a lie we don't dare to discuss openly. It's simply a lie.
So I therefore don't think that there's anything special in narcissists dealing with fetishes, maybe something special in the specific fetishes that narcissists choose, which reflect their, for example, need for objectification or need for novelty seeking adventures for the ski guy or need for utter and total surrender.
That's when you become a pet. Pets are all domesticated, controlled and slaughtered.
Yes. The fetish per se should be, all the text books should be written exactly opposite, exactly opposite, exactly reverse.
Narcissists are very, very particular. A typical fetishist, for example, he likes feet, let's say, feet fetishes, foot fetishes. He would be not so choosy. A foot is a foot.
Yeah, he likes this kind of foot, that kind of foot, but generally he likes feet, not the narcissist.
Narcissists have highly specific foot. They are very extremely detailed in their demands. They would go hours, days, months until they find the right, right woman, body part, object.
The real abnormality, the real aberration is people who don't have fetishes. That's very worrying. These people worry me a lot because, for example, it's possible to construe, it's possible to claim that pedophiles are people who do not have fetishes.
The pedophile does relate to the totality of the child. Most pedophiles, 80% of pedophiles are not attracted to children sexually. They are attracted to the company of children. They are attracted to controlling the child. They are attracted to the child's personality.
When you talk to pedophiles, why they were attracted to a specific child, they will talk about the child in terms of a lover. They would say he had sparkling personality. He had a captivating smile. I couldn't resist him. He was so cute. He was so wonderful.
Pedophiles, actually, have a holistic, total view of sexuality. That's the reason why very few of them actually end up having sex with the children. Very few pedophiles actually have sex. They don't seek the sex. They seek the child.
So this is an example of pathologized sexuality, seeks sexuality. I would be very worried by people who are not fetishists. That's my view.
Like with everything else, there are numerous myths about pedophiles.
First of all, it is not true because pedophiles are attracted only to children. A majority of pedophiles are heterosexual and a majority of them have families and children of their own. They are attracted to opposite sex, actually, and actively attracted to opposite sex. That's the majority. A majority, 20% of the population have constant pedophile fantasies. That's not fair. A majority of fathers are sexually attracted to their teenage daughters. That's also a fact.
I said before, anything can be a sexual object. Your daughter could be a sexual object. Why not? She's young. She's beautiful. She's, you know, she's new, she's sexy. There's no problem in principle for a father to be sexually attracted to his daughter. I would have found it actually very disturbing if a man with all the equipment would not be attracted to a young female just because technically he's her father. That would, for me, indicate some serious sexual disturbance.
The drive to have sex with children is ancient and until extremely recently codified in the law. In Britain, until 160 years ago in Britain, the legal age for marriage for a woman was ten years old. Ten. In Yemen until 150 years ago was 12. Afghanistan was 12 and so on.
This is culture dependent. In the vast majority of the world until very recently, a woman at the age of 12 was able to conceive and the minute she had a period, she was able to conceive and was considered eligible for marriage.
The very concept of child is very new. As the concept of child was invented, seen in Victorian Britain and in France this time, concept of child was invented, we started to have prohibitions on certain interactions with children.
Now, pedophilia is and should remain a prime, active pedophilia. So we should distinguish between the act and the fantasies. Fantasies are common. They are not unique to narcissists. They are detailed.
There is a sprawling industry of child pornography online because of that.
The fantasies should not be suppressed, cannot be suppressed, cannot be fought, cannot be counterproductive. What should be monitored very closely are the acts and this is where your next, your other question comes in.
Where is the line?
First of all, because of the unique structure of narcissists and psychopaths, the risk of incest is much higher with narcissists and psychopaths and the risk of pedophilia, active pedophilia is much higher with narcissists and psychopaths because they regard the children as an extension of themselves so they are actually having sex with themselves because they think they are actually educating the child or doing the child a favor, introducing the child to sex because they believe that the child needs some kind of special protection because, I mean, it's endless.
Very big risk with narcissists and psychopaths and with narcissists and psychopaths.
The minute inappropriate behavior begins to show up, the kind you describe with the bathroom and so on, this must be cause for serious alert because it's a slippery slope and the narcissist starts by entering the shower when the child is naked and before you know it, he's having sex with the child.
In the case of narcissists and psychopaths, there's no impulse control, no boundaries, no limits, no obedience to rules.
So there you cut it the minute there is the first hint of inappropriate behavior, not with normal people. With normal healthy people, a conversation would do.
Listen, you're embarrassing the child. The child may misunderstand what you're doing. It's okay, you can talk to healthy, normal people, no need for alarm.
But with narcissists and psychopaths you have to aggressively defend the child, you have to aggressively protect the child and educate the child.
If the father is doing this, it's not okay. You should tell the father, please, father, can you live there? You should teach the child to be proactive for the child to set her or his own boundaries and enforce them and warn the child to identify their beliefs and beliefs.