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Narcissists Hate Love

Uploaded 9/23/2010, approx. 3 minute read

I am Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

There is nothing the narcissist hates more than being told, I love you. This simple sentence evokes in him almost primordial reactions. It provokes the narcissist into uncontrollable rage.

But why is that?

Well, there are three reasons.

First of all, the narcissist hates women virulently and vehemently. A misogynist, he identifies being loved with being possessed, encroached upon, shackled, transformed, reduced, exploited, weakened, engulfed, digested and excreted.

To the narcissist, love is an all-consuming, dangerous pursuit.

Secondly, being loved means being known, being intimate. The narcissist likes to think of himself that he is so unique and deep that he can never be truly known or fathomed. The narcissist believes that he is above mere human understanding and empathy, that he is one of a kind through eugenics.

To say to the narcissist, I love you, means to negate this feeling. It means to try to drag him to the lowest common denominator. It means to threaten his sense of uniqueness.

After all, the narcissist says to himself, everyone is capable of loving and everyone, even the basest and lowest human beings, fall in love. It is such an average pedestrian emotion.

So unlike the narcissist, the narcissist, to the narcissist, the loving is an animalistic and pathological behavior, and the same goes for sex.

Thirdly, the narcissist knows deep inside that he is a con artist, a fraud, an elaborate hoax, a script, that he is hollow and truly non-existent. He can't help but ask himself, who would fall in love with me? The person who claims to love the narcissist is either lying because what is there to love in the narcissist? Or she is a self-deceiving, clinging and immature co-dependent.

The narcissist cannot tolerate the thought that he has chosen for a spouse or a mate, a liar, or a co-dependent idiot. Indirectly, her declaration of love is a devastating critique of the narcissist's own powers of judgment.

The narcissist hates love, however and wherever it's manifested. We'll take one example. When the narcissist's spouse demonstrates her love to their children, the narcissist wishes them all ill. He is so cosologically envious of his spouse that he wishes she had never existed.

Being a tad paranoid, the narcissist also nurtures the growing conviction that she is showing love to her children demonstrably and on purpose just to remind him how miserable he is, how deficient, how deprived and discriminated against.

The narcissist regards his spouse's interaction with their children to be a provocation and assault on his emotional welfare and balance.

Seething with envy, boiling rage and violent thoughts, these form the flammable concoction in the narcissist's mind. He reacts this way wherever and whenever he sees people happy and in love.

Many people naively believe that they can cure the narcissist by engulfing him with love and shrouding him with acceptance and consuming him with compassion and empathy.

And that is not so. The only time a transformative healing process occurs is when the narcissist experiences a severe narcissistic injury, a life crisis. Nothing short of that can move or change the narcissist. Definitely not love.

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Can Narcissist Truly Love?

Narcissists are incapable of genuine love, viewing others primarily as sources of narcissistic supply, which is essentially attention. They perceive their loved ones as objects or extensions of themselves, reacting with rage to any signs of independence or autonomy. There are two types of narcissists: one seeks stability and control, while the other craves chaos and drama, but both reduce their loved ones to mere props in their lives. Ultimately, the narcissist's so-called love is rooted in fear and self-interest, leading to a cycle of idealization and devaluation of those around them.


Narcissist's Romantic Jealousy and Possessiveness

Narcissists experience anxiety when they become aware of their possessive and jealous tendencies. Anxiety characterizes all their interactions with the opposite sex, especially in situations where there is a possibility of rejection or abandonment. The narcissist's envy of their female mate is a result of an unconscious conflict, and they exercise their imagination to justify their negative emotions. Narcissists often strike an unhealthy balance by being emotionally and physically absent, which drives their partner to find emotional and physical gratification outside the relationship.


Why Narcissist Can't Love (with Daria Żukowska, Clinical Psychologist)

Narcissists are incapable of genuine love, as they view others merely as extensions of themselves and process emotions through a cognitive lens rather than an emotional one. Their relationships often involve a shared fantasy where they idealize their partner, but this is ultimately a self-serving mechanism that leads to devaluation and discard once the fantasy fades. The pain experienced in relationships with narcissists stems from multiple forms of grief, including the loss of an idealized self-image and the disillusionment of the shared fantasy. To avoid such relationships, individuals should recognize early warning signs of narcissistic behavior, establish firm boundaries, and prioritize self-awareness to prevent falling into the trap of idealization and dependency.


Narcissists Hate Women, Misogynists

Narcissists view women as objects and use them for both primary and secondary narcissistic supply. They fear emotional intimacy and treat women as property, similar to the mindset of European males in the 18th century. Narcissists frustrate women by teasing them and then leaving them, and they hold women in contempt, choosing submissive partners whom they disdain for being below their intellectual level. The narcissist projects his own behavior and traits onto women.


Why Dating Narcissists is Addictive (With Diana and Mari)

Narcissists are incapable of love because they cannot access positive emotions due to early childhood conditioning that associates these emotions with shame and pain. Relationships with narcissists are complicated primarily because victims often deny the red flags and conform to the narcissist's idealized image, leading to a cycle of devaluation and emotional turmoil. Narcissists seek partners who can provide at least two of four key elements: sex, services, supply, and safety, but they ultimately view their partners as interchangeable objects rather than individuals. The dynamic of narcissistic relationships is characterized by coercion and a rejection of reality, with both parties attempting to reshape each other into idealized versions, resulting in a toxic cycle of dependency and emotional abuse.


Confessions of Inverted Narcissists - Part 1 of 3

Inverted narcissists are codependents who depend exclusively on narcissism and crave to be in a relationship with a narcissist regardless of any abuse inflicted on them. Narcissists react to competition with pathological envy, and inverted narcissists tend to feel envious and resentful towards their partners. Narcissistic personality disorder is the inability to love oneself, and it is about having a profoundly negative self-image. Survivors of child abuse may develop a kind of codependence or narcissism, and they may experience intense envy and competition towards others.


Why Narcissist Devalues YOU (Hint: Wants YOU "Dead")

Narcissists devalue their partners as a form of self-defense and control. There are two types of devaluation: preemptive and reactive. Preemptive devaluation occurs when a narcissist is in a transitional state between overt and covert narcissism, and they devalue potential sources of supply to prevent the overt side from using them against the covert side. Reactive devaluation is a response to a perceived threat to the narcissist's grandiosity or control. Both types of devaluation are harmful to the victim and serve to maintain the narcissist's sense of power and control.


Narcissist's Femme Fatale - or Mother?

Narcissists often confuse romantic jealousy, possessiveness, and mortification, experiencing them similarly due to their inability to differentiate between internal and external emotional states. Possessiveness arises from fear of abandonment and separation, leading to controlling behaviors when the narcissist senses potential loss, while romantic jealousy occurs when they feel threatened by the possibility of infidelity from partners they believe they love, prompting withdrawal and aversion. Mortification, on the other hand, is a rare introspective state where the narcissist confronts their true self through the eyes of others, leading to potential self-awareness and emotional breakthroughs. Ultimately, the dynamics of these emotional responses reveal the complexities of narcissistic relationships, where the narcissist's need for control and validation often masks deeper insecurities and vulnerabilities.


Narcissist Hates Himself, So Can’t Love YOU

Narcissists are incapable of love because they lack a true self to love, relying instead on a false self that is a projection of their insecurities and desires. This false self is not grounded in reality, leading to a distorted perception of themselves and others, where they interact with static images rather than real individuals. Their emotional investment is in the validation they receive from others, which reinforces their fragile sense of existence, rather than in genuine connections. Ultimately, the inability to experience self-love prevents narcissists from forming authentic relationships, leaving them in a state of perpetual isolation despite their desire for connection.


How Narcissist Sees YOU

The narcissist perceives others, including intimate partners, as extensions of themselves rather than as separate individuals, leading to a distorted view of relationships. Initially, they idealize their partner, but as reality sets in and the partner deviates from this ideal, the narcissist shifts to blame and resentment, viewing them as the source of their problems. This blame-shifting is coupled with a victim mentality, where the narcissist sees themselves as innocent and the partner as manipulative, leading to a toxic dynamic filled with projection and gaslighting. Ultimately, the narcissist's inability to accept the partner's autonomy and their own flaws results in a cycle of devaluation and potential discard, as they struggle with their own unresolved childhood traumas.

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