Sadistic Women-lover, Sadistic Women-hater

Uploaded 12/22/2017, approx. 3 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

The overwhelming majority of narcissists, male narcissists, hate women, they despise them, they hold them in contempt, they are afraid of them, afraid of their sexuality, their power to bring life to the world, their alleged ostensible irrationality, etc.

But there is a tiny minority of narcissists who actually love women. Both narcissists who love women, philogenists, and narcissists who hate women, misogynists, both of them end up torturing women, frustrating them and sadistically using them for their own ends.

The sadistic women lover, the philogenist, is drawn to women, he desires them, he covets their traits.

This kind of narcissist admires women and generally prefers to spend his time with them. This narcissist adores women's company. He surrounds himself with women.

But it is precisely this inexorable pull that terrifies the philogenist, the sadistic, narcissistic women lover. He is mortified by the fact that he cannot resist, that he finds women irresistible. He is awed by women's hold over him. He is very afraid of his own resultant women-centered obsessions and compulsions.

This kind of narcissist, the philogenistic narcissist, is poorly equipped to deal with and is overwhelmed by the emotions that women provoke in him.

In a desperate attempt to extricate himself, this kind of narcissist adopts avoidant behaviors. He shunts women, he frustrates women, he abuses women, tortures and humiliates them, frequently, overtly and intentionally, but very often not.

This panoply of avoidant behaviors restores his sense of control, power and superiority over women. This is an anxiety reduction mechanism.

These kind of behaviors are intended to restore the inner carbon piece of this type of narcissist.

Now, thus rehabilitated, he can embark on a new cycle of approach avoidance with his next female target.

And then there's the sadistic women-hater, the misogynist. As I said, the majority of narcissists are like that. They hold women in utter contempt, they detest them, they wish them ill and they seek to punish them.

This kind of narcissist, the misogynistic sadistic narcissist, displays the same range of behaviors that the sadistic women lover does.

In other words, it's very difficult to tell apart the philogenistic women lover narcissist from the women-hating narcissist. They both act the same, but for entirely different psychodynamic reasons.

The sadistic women lover seeks to restore a semblance of balance, of balance of power, balance of potency between himself and the women he finds so irresistible. The sadistic women-hater aims to annihilate women, to remove women from his life, to penalize them harshly for daring to intrude on his being with their demands for love, sex and intimacy, which he perceives as women's self-interested manipulation.

The sadistic women-hater fears women. He understands that they can gain access to his innermost resources. He regards them as the embodiment and the reification of his weak points, his areas of penetration, his vulnerabilities.

In an attempt to distance himself from these shortcomings and failings as he perceives them, he punishes the messenger, the women, who bring forth these tidings that he cannot countenance, cannot live with, cannot contemplate.

The narcissist regards women as mirrors, mirrors of his own deficiencies. He therefore breaks the mirror. He hates women. He makes sure to turn their lives into living hells.

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Narcissist: Women as Sluttish Huntresses or Sexless Saints

Heterosexual narcissists desire women but are frustrated by their inability to interact with them meaningfully. They hate women virulently, passionately, and uncompromisingly, and their hate is primal, irrational, and the progeny of mortal fear and sustained abuse in early childhood. Narcissists are infinitely pessimistic, bare-tempered, paranoid, and sadistic, and their daily routine is a rigmarole of threats, complaints, hurts, eruptions, moodiness, and rage. They are their own worst enemy and cannot conceive of life in one place with one set of people, doing the same thing in the same field with one goal within a decades-old game plan or career path or relationship.

Narcissist Re-idealizes Discarded Sources of Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists keep discarded sources of supply in reserve and seek them out when they have no other supply source. They frantically try to recycle their old sources and re-idealize them without admitting to having been mistaken in the first place. To preserve their grandiosity, they come up with a narrative that accommodates both the devaluing content and the re-idealized image of the source. If you are an old source of narcissistic supply, simply ignore the narcissist as indifference is what they cannot stand.

Narcissists Hate Women, Misogynists

Narcissists view women as objects and use them for both primary and secondary narcissistic supply. They fear emotional intimacy and treat women as property, similar to the mindset of European males in the 18th century. Narcissists frustrate women by teasing them and then leaving them, and they hold women in contempt, choosing submissive partners whom they disdain for being below their intellectual level. The narcissist projects his own behavior and traits onto women.

Narcissist Has No Friends

Narcissists treat their friends like Watson and Hastings, who are obsequious and unthreatening, and provide them with an adulating gallery. Narcissists cannot empathize or love, and therefore have no real friends. They are interested in securing narcissistic supply from narcissistic supply sources. The narcissist overvalues people when they are judged to be potential sources of supply, and devalues them when no longer able to supply him, ultimately leading to the alienation and distancing of people.

Narcissist Frustrates Women with Ostentatious Fidelity

Narcissists, particularly cerebral narcissists, often frustrate women who are attracted to them by withholding sex or teasing them. This is because they are misogynists who hold women in contempt and fear them. They divide women into saints and whores, and view sex and intimacy as mutually exclusive. The narcissist's frustrating behavior serves to secure a narcissistic supply and reenact unresolved conflicts with their mother. They pathologize women to control them and project their own parasitic behavior onto them.

Issues in Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists devalue their sources of supply for the very qualities that make them sources of supply in the first place. The narcissist resents his dependency on narcissistic supply and perceives intimacy and sex as a threat to his uniqueness. Narcissistic supply includes all forms of attention, both positive and negative, fame, notoriety, adulation, fear, applause, approval. Narcissists frantically try to recycle their old and wasted sources when they have absolutely no other sources of supply at their disposal.

Can Narcissist Truly Love?

Narcissists are incapable of true love, but they do experience some emotion which they insist is love. Narcissists love their significant others as long as they continue to provide them with attention, or narcissistic supply. There are two types of narcissistic love: one type loves others as one would get attached to objects, while the other type abhors monotony and constancy, seeking instability, chaos, upheaval, drama, and change. In the narcissist's world, mature love is nowhere to be seen, and their so-called love is fear of losing control and hatred of the very people on whom their personality depends.

Narcissistic Boss or Employer: Coping and Survival Tactics

Narcissistic bosses or employers view their staff as sources of narcissistic supply and nothing else. They expect their employees to serve as an audience, adulate, and affirm their grandiose self-image. Any hint of equality, disagreement, or criticism threatens the narcissist profoundly. Narcissists feel suffocated by intimacy or routine and forever shift the blame, pass the buck, and engage in cognitive dissonance. Manipulating the narcissist is the only way an employee can survive in such a workplace.

Why Narcissists Cry at the Movies: Self-pity, not Empathy

Narcissists and psychopaths cry at movies due to a complex interplay of psychological factors. While there is a distinction between the two personality types, both can experience emotional reactions while watching films. For narcissists, the experience of watching a movie triggers a regression to infancy, leading to feelings of shame, grief, and a sense of loss of control. These emotions are not genuine empathy, but rather a form of self-pity and manipulation. The act of crying at movies serves as a way for narcissists to signal distress and seek validation from others.

Negative, Fake, Low-grade Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists crave attention, both positive and negative, and use it to regulate their sense of self-worth. They construct a false self and project it onto others to elicit admiration, adulation, and fear. Negative supply can become narcissistic supply when positive supply is scarce. Narcissists also crave punishment, which confirms their view of themselves as worthless and relieves them of the inner conflict they endure when they are successful.

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