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Cope with Vindictive Narcissists

Uploaded 1/12/2011, approx. 2 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Narcissists are often vindictive. They stalk, they harass, they intimidate. Basically, there are only two ways of coping with vindictive narcissists, either to frighten them or to lure them.

Start with frightening them.

Narcissists live in a constant state of repressed aggression. Envy, hatred, and rage. They firmly believe that everyone else is precisely like them. As a result, they are paranoid, suspicious, scared, labile, and unpredictable.

Frightening the narcissist is a powerful behavior modification tool. If sufficiently deterred, the narcissist promptly disengages, gives up everything he fought for, sometimes makes amends.

To act effectively, one has to identify the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the narcissist, the chinks in his armor, and strike repeated escalating blows at them, till the narcissist lets go and vanishes.

Example. If the narcissist has a secret, one should use this fact to threaten him. One should drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence.

The narcissist is a very vivid imagination. Let his imagination do the work for you.

The narcissist may have been involved in tax evasion, malpractice, child abuse, infidelity and adultery. There are so many possibilities which offer a rich vein of attack.

If done cleverly, noncommittally, gradually and increasingly, the narcissist crumbles, disengages, detaches, and disappears. It lowers his profile thoroughly in the hope of avoiding hurt, pain, and criminal persecution.

Most narcissists have been known to disown and abandon a whole pathological narcissistic space. In other words, they have been known to relocate, in response to a well-focused campaign by their victims.

Thus, the narcissist may leave town, change his job, abandon the field of professional interest, and avoid friends and acquaintances, only to relieve the unrelenting pressure exerted on him by his victims.

I repeat, most of the drama takes place in the paranoid mind of the narcissist. His imagination runs anarch. He finds himself snarled by horrifying scenarios pursued by the vilest certainties that form in his fertile, fibrile mind.

The narcissist is his own worst persecutor or prosecutor. You don't have to do much, except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events. The narcissist will do the rest for you.

He is like a small child in the dark, generating the very monsters that paralyze him with fear.

Needless to say, emphasize and repeat that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law officers and in broad daylight. Done the wrong way, they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment, and a host of other criminal offenses.

Be very careful, because you would be treading a thin line between legality and illegality should you choose to frighten the narcissist.

The alternative is, of course, to lure the vindictive narcissist. The other way to neutralize him is to offer him continued narcissistic supply until the war is over and had been won by you.

Deserted by the drive of narcissistic supply, the narcissist immediately becomes tamed, forgets his vindictiveness and triumphantly takes over his new property and territory.

Under the influence of narcissistic supply, the narcissist is unable to tell when he is being manipulated. He is blind, dumb, and deaf.

You can make the narcissist do anything by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold narcissistic supply.

Adulation, admiration, attention, sex, or subservience are the tools, the weapons in your arsenal in coping with vindictive, dangerous stalkers and paranoia.

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Can Narcissist Truly Love?

Narcissists are incapable of true love, but they do experience some emotion which they insist is love. Narcissists love their significant others as long as they continue to provide them with attention, or narcissistic supply. There are two types of narcissistic love: one type loves others as one would get attached to objects, while the other type abhors monotony and constancy, seeking instability, chaos, upheaval, drama, and change. In the narcissist's world, mature love is nowhere to be seen, and their so-called love is fear of losing control and hatred of the very people on whom their personality depends.


Giving Narcissist Second Chance

Narcissists do not provide closure in relationships and will stalk, cajole, beg, promise, persuade, and ultimately succeed in doing the impossible to get you back. The narcissist will cast all interactions with you in terms of conflicts or competitions to be won. If you have resumed contact because you are manifestly dependent on the narcissist financially or emotionally, the narcissist will pounce on your frailty and exploit your fragility to the maximum. Ultimately, the narcissist will write the inevitable cycle of idealization and devaluation.


Remain Friends with the Narcissist?

Narcissists are only friendly when they need something from you, such as narcissistic supply, help, support, votes, money, or sex. They also become friendly when they feel threatened and want to smother the threat with pleasantries. Narcissists are also over-friendly when they have just been infused with an overdose of narcissistic supply. Some people prefer to live with narcissists because they have been conditioned to treat narcissistic abuse as background noise and are compensated for the abuse by the thrills provided by living with a narcissist. However, inverted narcissists are typically unhappy and in need of help, which suggests that they are victims who experience the Stockholm Syndrome.


Money: Narcissist's License to Abuse

Money is a love substitute for the narcissist, allowing them to be their corrupt selves and buy absolution, forgiveness, and acceptance. It is a license to sin and a permit to be unmitigated self. Money liberates the mind of the narcissist, allowing them to concentrate on attaining the desired position on top. The narcissist is addicted to money because it is the freedom not to behave in a way that is unbearable to them in the long run.


How Narcissist's Victims Deceive Themselves

Narcissists cannot be cured and are a threat to those around them. Victims of narcissists often confuse shame with guilt and attribute remorsefulness to the narcissist when they are actually feeling shame for failing. Narcissists are attracted to vulnerable people who offer them a secure source of narcissistic supply. Healing is dependent on a sense of security in a relationship, but the narcissist is not interested in healing and would rather invest their energy in obtaining narcissistic supply. Narcissists lack empathy and cannot understand others, making them a danger to those around them.


Narcissists Hate Women, Misogynists

Narcissists view women as objects and use them for both primary and secondary narcissistic supply. They fear emotional intimacy and treat women as property, similar to the mindset of European males in the 18th century. Narcissists frustrate women by teasing them and then leaving them, and they hold women in contempt, choosing submissive partners whom they disdain for being below their intellectual level. The narcissist projects his own behavior and traits onto women.


Breaking Through the Narcissist's Indifference by Becoming a Psychop

Narcissists have three essential demands from their partner: sex, supply, and services. If the partner provides any two of these three, the narcissist is pacified and ignores her. The partner needs to escalate, dramatize, and render herself unpredictable to attract the narcissist's attention. As our civilization becomes more narcissistic, both men and women adopt and emulate grandiose psychopathic men as role models, gurus, and guiding lights. The situation is so bad that many people are choosing simply to stay alone, to remain single in the fullest sense of the word.


Adulterous, Unfaithful Narcissists: Why Cheat and have Extramarital Affairs?

Narcissists cheat on their spouses for several reasons. Firstly, they require a constant supply of attention, admiration, and regulation to regulate their unstable sense of self-worth. Secondly, they are easily bored and require sexual conquests to alleviate this. Thirdly, they maintain an island of stability in their life surrounded by chaos and instability. Fourthly, they feel entitled to anything and everything and reject social conventions. Fifthly, they feel that being married reduces them to the lowest common denominator. Sixthly, they are control freaks and initiate other relationships to reassert control. Finally, they are terrified of intimacy and adultery is an excellent tool to suppress it.


Cope with Narcissists: Abandon or Mirror

The best way to cope with a narcissist is to abandon them or threaten to abandon them. The narcissist is a binary person, and the carrot is also the stick in their case. If they get too close to someone emotionally, they fear abandonment and immediately distance themselves, acting cruelly and bringing about the very abandonment they feared. If one chooses to accept the narcissist, to live with them, to remain in an intimate relationship with them, it is a package deal. All their needs, demands, and requirements are included.


Narcissists Hate Love

Narcissists hate being told "I love you" because it threatens their sense of uniqueness, they believe love is an all-consuming and dangerous pursuit, and they know deep down that they are a con artist and a fraud. They also hate seeing love demonstrated between others, such as a spouse and children, and view it as an assault on their emotional welfare and balance. Attempting to cure a narcissist with love and acceptance is futile, as only a severe narcissistic injury or life crisis can bring about transformative healing.

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