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Narcissist: I want it ALL and NOW! (Delayed Gratification and Entitlement)

Uploaded 9/17/2014, approx. 4 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Narcissists cannot delay gratification. They want it all, they want it now. They are creatures of the here and now, because they feel boundlessly entitled.

When forced to specialize or persist, they feel stagnation and death.

It is not a matter of choice, but a structural constraint.

This is the way a narcissist is built. This is his model soporandi, and his vacillating style of life and dizzying array of activities are written into his operations manual and his operating system.

As a direct result, the narcissist cannot form a stable marital relationship or reasonably devote himself to his family or maintain an ongoing business or reside in one place for long or dedicate himself to a single profession or to one career or complete his academic studies or accumulate material wealth.

Notice that I am using or not end. Some narcissists maintain an island of stability in their life, but all the rest is chaotic.

So they may have a stable marriage, but a very chaotic work life, exchanging careers kaleidoscopically. Or they may have a single job throughout their life, but get married five times.

So there is always an island of stability surrounded by an ocean of riding, roaming chaos.

Narcissists are often described as indolent, labile, unstable, unreliable, unable and unwilling to undertake long-term commitments and obligations or to maintain a job or a career path.

The narcissist's life is characterized by jerky, episodic careers, relationships, marriages and domiciles. The narcissist is volatile, erratic, flexible and ephemeral. Either we've touched upon the less malignant dimensions, but there is worse to come.

As always, there is with narcissists. The narcissist is possessed of a low self-esteem.

In public, the narcissist presents himself as the quintessential winner, but deep inside the narcissist judges himself to be a good for nothing, a loser, a bad object, a permanent, irreversible failure. He hates himself for being so, and he constantly envies everyone around him for a variety of reasons, ever-changing reasons.

The narcissist's discontent is often transformed into depression. Unable to love himself, the narcissist is unable to love another. He regards and treats people as though they were objects, he exploits and then discards them.

The narcissist mistreats people around him by asserting his superiority at all times, by being emotionally cold or absent, by constantly bickering, verbally humiliating, incessantly, unjustly criticizing, and by actively rejecting or ignoring people around him, including his nearest and nearest, thus provoking constantly uncertainty and unpredictability.

The narcissist's interpersonal relationships are deformed and sick. The longer the relationship, the more it is tinted by the pathological hue of narcissism.

In his marriage, the narcissist recreates the conflicts with his primary objects, parents or caregivers during his childhood.

The narcissist is immature in every walk of life, sex included. He tends to select the wrong partners or spouse. He does everything to bring about his greatest horror, abandonment.

Even his torturous supporters and lovers ultimately desert him. In the wake of such abandonment, the narcissist experiences, the horrifying and complete breakdown of his defenses.

He feels lonely, but his loneliness is of the existential, almost solipsistic guy. The whole world seems unreal to him, possessed of his nightmarish quality.

He either feels disproportionately guilty and assumes all the burden of blame, allocating none to his partner, or he blames him for everything, denying any personal responsibility, which is the more common response.

These moments may be the only occasions in which the narcissist is in touch with his emotions, an experience he has been trying to avoid all his life and at all costs to his mental health.

Learning the truth about his emotional infernity, the narcissist often entertains suicidal ideation. He cannot tolerate deforming his body, so he is inclined to use sleeping pills if at all.

But soon enough, the narcissist recovers and escapes into a new psychosexual liaison.

Another toy, another object of gratification, enters his world.

His emotional wounds are shallow, and they heal fast.

Only his ego is scarred, and memory repressed successfully by all narcissists, wherever they may be.

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Can Narcissist Truly Love?

Narcissists are incapable of genuine love, viewing others primarily as sources of narcissistic supply, which is essentially attention. They perceive their loved ones as objects or extensions of themselves, reacting with rage to any signs of independence or autonomy. There are two types of narcissists: one seeks stability and control, while the other craves chaos and drama, but both reduce their loved ones to mere props in their lives. Ultimately, the narcissist's so-called love is rooted in fear and self-interest, leading to a cycle of idealization and devaluation of those around them.


How Narcissist Defeminizes You: Answering Your Questions

Narcissists often withdraw from social interactions as a form of punishment, feeling unappreciated and wronged, which leads to a cycle of self-soothing through isolation and grandiosity. Hoovering, or attempting to re-establish contact with former partners, is possible after internal modification, but unlikely if the narcissist perceives external blame for their situation. The refusal to grow up and take on adult responsibilities, such as having children, reflects a deeper psychological issue, often leading to a dynamic where the narcissist's partner is left to seek fulfillment elsewhere. This asymmetry in relationships can result in the partner engaging with other men to meet their emotional and sexual needs, while the narcissist remains indifferent, focusing on their own needs and fantasies. Ultimately, the narcissist's inability to engage in a healthy adult relationship perpetuates a cycle of dysfunction and emotional turmoil for both parties involved.


Narcissist's Certain Losses

The narcissist invests significant energy in securing sources of supply, only to lose interest once they are acquired, treating them as inanimate objects. When these sources escape his influence, the narcissist fails to learn from the experience and often only regains interest when faced with tangible loss. This leads to a temporary charm offensive aimed at reacquiring what was neglected, but once regained, he reverts to his abusive and indifferent behavior. Ultimately, the narcissist is trapped in a cycle of need and disdain, functioning like a repetitive automaton driven by conflicting emotions.


Narcissist Hates Happy People and Holidays

Holidays and birthdays are a difficult time for narcissists, as they provoke a stream of pathological envy. The narcissist is jealous of others for having a family, being able to celebrate lavishly, or being in the right mood. They hate humans because they are unable to be one and want to spoil it for those who can enjoy. Holidays remind the narcissist of their childhood, the supportive and loving family they never had, and what could have been.


Why Narcissist Devalues YOU (Hint: Wants YOU "Dead")

Narcissists devalue their partners as a form of self-defense and control. There are two types of devaluation: preemptive and reactive. Preemptive devaluation occurs when a narcissist is in a transitional state between overt and covert narcissism, and they devalue potential sources of supply to prevent the overt side from using them against the covert side. Reactive devaluation is a response to a perceived threat to the narcissist's grandiosity or control. Both types of devaluation are harmful to the victim and serve to maintain the narcissist's sense of power and control.


Narcissist Has No Friends

Narcissists treat their friends like Watson and Hastings, who are obsequious and unthreatening, and provide them with an adulating gallery. Narcissists cannot empathize or love, and therefore have no real friends. They are interested in securing narcissistic supply from narcissistic supply sources. The narcissist overvalues people when they are judged to be potential sources of supply, and devalues them when no longer able to supply him, ultimately leading to the alienation and distancing of people.


YOUR LOVE, Intimacy FEARED: Narcissist’s Perfectionism, Envy

Narcissists experience intense ambivalence, simultaneously feeling love and hatred towards those they depend on, which is rooted in their perfectionism. This perfectionism serves as a defense mechanism against their deep-seated fear of failure and self-annihilation, leading them to avoid genuine intimacy and connection. The narcissist's internal landscape is marked by envy and a fragmented identity, as they struggle to integrate their perceived flaws with their idealized self-image. Ultimately, their relationships are characterized by a need to control and internalize others, reducing them to non-entities to protect their fragile sense of self and avoid the threat of envy.


Inverted Narcissist (Narcissist Codependent)

Inverted narcissists are a type of codependent who exclusively depend on a narcissist. They are self-effacing, sensitive, emotionally fragile, and sometimes socially phobic. They derive all their self-esteem and sense of self-worth from the outside and are pathologically envious. Inverted narcissists are narcissists, and it is possible to compose a set of criteria for them by translating the criteria available in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for the classical narcissist.


Lovebombing to Discard: 5 Energies of Narcissist's Cathexis Cycle

Narcissists experience emotional investment in relationships through a cycle known as cathexis, which involves five stages: object cathexis, hyper-cathexis, hypo-cathexis, de-cathexis, and anti-cathexis. They oscillate between intense emotional investment and complete withdrawal, reflecting a primitive defense mechanism called splitting, which leads to a perception of others as either idealized or devalued. The narcissist's relationships are characterized by a shared fantasy where they project their internal conflicts onto others, viewing them as extensions of themselves rather than separate individuals. Ultimately, the narcissist's inability to form genuine emotional attachments results in a constant cycle of idealization and devaluation, where they seek new sources of supply to replace those they have discarded.


Narcissist's Romantic Jealousy and Possessiveness

Narcissists experience anxiety when they become aware of their possessive and jealous tendencies. Anxiety characterizes all their interactions with the opposite sex, especially in situations where there is a possibility of rejection or abandonment. The narcissist's envy of their female mate is a result of an unconscious conflict, and they exercise their imagination to justify their negative emotions. Narcissists often strike an unhealthy balance by being emotionally and physically absent, which drives their partner to find emotional and physical gratification outside the relationship.

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