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Narcissist Loves his Disorder and Narcissistic Personality

Uploaded 9/30/2010, approx. 3 minute read

I am Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Some narcissists get better, they modify their behavior, they become more socially acceptable and less abrasive.

But no narcissist heals, no narcissist gets well.

The reason is the narcissist's enormous, lifelong, irreplaceable and indispensable emotional investment in his own disorder.

Narcissistic personality disorder serves two critical functions, which together maintain the precariously balanced house of cards that we call the narcissist's personality.

The narcissist's disorder endows him with a sense of uniqueness, of being special, and it provides him with a rational explanation for his misconduct, with an alibi.

Most narcissists reject the notion or the diagnosis that they are mentally ill or disturbed.

Absent powers of introspection, the total lack of self-awareness are part and parcel of narcissistic personality disorder.

Pathological narcissism is founded upon alloplastic defenses, the firm conviction that the world or others are to blame for one's behavior, defeats, failures and frailties.

The narcissist firmly believes that people around him should be held responsible and accountable for his reactions for having triggered them.

With such a state of mind so firmly entrenched, the narcissist is incapable of transformation or even of admitting that something is wrong with him.

But that is not to say that the narcissist does not experience his disorder.

He does.

But he reinterprets this experience. He regards his dysfunctional behaviors socially, emotionally and mentally as conclusive and irrefutable proof of his superiority, brilliance, distinction, prowess, mind, or success.

Rudeness to others, for instance, is reinterpreted as decisiveness and efficiency, or even brutal honesty.

Abusive behaviors are cast as educational, tough love, sexual absence as proof of preoccupation with higher functions.

The narcissist's rage is always just and it's always a reaction to injustice or to being misunderstood by intellectual widgets.

Thus, paradoxically, the disorder becomes an integral and inseparable part of the narcissist's inflated self-esteem and vacuous grandiose fantasies.

Narcissist's false self, the pivot of his pathological narcissism, is a self-reinforcing mechanism.

The narcissist thinks that he is unique because he has a false self.

His false self is the center of his specialness.

Any therapeutic attack on the integrity and functioning of the false self constitutes a threat to the narcissist's ability to regulate his wildly fluctuating sense of self-worth in an effort to reduce him to other people's mundane, pedestrian, and mediocre existence.

The few narcissists that are willing to admit that something is terribly wrong with them displace their other plastic defenses. Instead of blaming the world, blaming other people or circumstances beyond their control, they now blame their disease.

Their disorder becomes a catch-all, universal explanation for everything that is wrong in their lives and for every derided, indefensible and inexcusable behavior.

Their narcissism becomes a license to kill, a liberating force which sets them outside human rules and codes of conduct.

Such freedom is so intoxicating and so empowering that it is difficult to give up.

The narcissist is emotionally attached to only one thing, his narcissistic personality disorder.

The narcissist loves his disorder, desires his disease passionately, cultivates his illness tenderly, is proud of his achievements, his emotions are misdirected.

When normal people love others and empathize with them, the narcissist loves his false self and identifies with it to the exclusion of all else and all others, including his true self.

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Narcissist: Is He or Isn't He?

Narcissism is a spectrum of behaviors, from healthy to pathological, and the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual specifies nine diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). A malignant narcissist is someone who has NPD and wreaks havoc on themselves and their surroundings. They feel grandiose and self-important, exaggerate accomplishments, and demand recognition as superior without commensurate achievements. They require excessive admiration, adulation, attention, and affirmation, and are interpersonally exploitative, devoid of empathy, and constantly envious of others.


Simple Trick: Tell Apart Narcissist, Psychopath, Borderline

Narcissists maintain one stable aspect of their lives, referred to as an "island of stability," while the rest of their existence is chaotic and disordered, leading to misconceptions about their character. In contrast, psychopaths lack any stable elements in their lives, resulting in pervasive instability across all dimensions. There are two types of narcissists: those who create compensatory stability by stabilizing one area of their life while everything else is chaotic, and those who enhance instability by introducing chaos into all aspects of their lives when one area is disrupted. The distinction between narcissists and psychopaths lies in their emotional engagement and the presence of stability, with narcissists relying on external validation while psychopaths operate without emotional depth or continuity.


Why Narcissist Never Says “ I Am Sorry”

Narcissists are unable to express remorse or apologize due to a combination of factors, including a false self that shields their vulnerable true self from the consequences of their actions, a sense of entitlement that leads them to believe they are above social norms, and a lack of empathy that prevents them from understanding the impact of their behavior on others. They often manipulate their environment and project their own issues onto others, viewing themselves as victims rather than acknowledging their wrongdoing. This grandiosity and belief in their own uniqueness create a disconnect from reality, allowing them to justify their harmful actions without feeling accountable. Ultimately, while narcissists can control their behavior when necessary, they choose not to, as they prioritize their own needs and desires over the well-being of others.


Narcissist: Psychotic?

When narcissistic supply is lacking, narcissists may exhibit bizarre behaviors and aggression, but they do not typically experience true psychosis characterized by delusions or hallucinations. Their grasp on reality is tenuous, as they often engage in self-deception and manipulation, yet they remain aware of the difference between reality and their constructed narratives. Unlike psychotics, who become fixated on their delusions and retreat from reality, narcissists are highly adaptive, continuously modifying their self-image to align with external feedback and maintain their sense of self-worth. Ultimately, narcissists are not psychotic; they are intentional and goal-oriented, fully aware of their actions and the reality around them.


Depressive Narcissist

Pathological narcissism is often considered a form of depressive illness, with the life of a typical narcissist punctuated with recurrent bouts of dysphoria, sadness, hopelessness, anhedonia, loss of the ability to feel pleasure, and clinical forms of depression. Narcissists react with depression not only to life crises but to fluctuations in narcissistic supply and to the internal dynamics that these fluctuations generate. There are several types of dysphoria and depression in pathological narcissism, including loss-induced dysphoria, deficiency-induced dysphoria, self-worth dysregulation dysphoria, grandiosity gap dysphoria, and self-punishing dysphoria. Many narcissists end up delusional, schizoid, or paranoid to avoid agonizing and knowing depression.


Can You Diagnose Your Narcissist?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) can only be diagnosed by qualified mental health professionals using the criteria outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). Many people incorrectly label others as narcissists based on personal experiences or traits, which can lead to misunderstandings about the disorder. Key characteristics of narcissists include a sense of grandiosity, a need for excessive admiration, entitlement, lack of empathy, and a tendency to exploit others. It is important to refrain from diagnosing or labeling individuals without proper qualifications, as this can perpetuate misconceptions about mental health disorders.


Your Empathy as Narcissistic Injury: Narcissist Never Learns, No Insight

Narcissists reject empathy and intimacy because it challenges their grandiosity, and they become paranoid and aggressive when someone tries to be intimate with them. Narcissists lack empathy and access to positive emotions, leading to a truncated version of empathy called "cold empathy." Narcissists are self-aware but lack the incentive to get rid of their narcissism, and therapy is more focused on accommodating the needs of the narcissist's nearest and dearest. Cold Therapy is experimental and limited, as it removes the false self but does not develop empathy or improve the narcissist's interpersonal relationships.


Covert Narcissist = Borderline+Psychopath+Passive-Aggressive

Narcissism exists on a spectrum, with individuals displaying varying degrees of narcissistic traits, personality styles, and disorders. The distinction between narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic personality style is crucial, as the former is dysfunctional and self-destructive, while the latter can be a positive adaptation that allows for social functioning. Narcissists often lack emotional empathy and perceive others as extensions of themselves, leading to exploitative behaviors and a reliance on narcissistic supply for self-regulation. Covert narcissists, in particular, may exhibit a fragile self-image and can be more dangerous due to their hidden nature, often engaging in passive-aggressive behaviors and manipulation.


Narcissist Never Sorry

Narcissists may occasionally feel bad and experience depressive episodes, but they have a diminished capacity for empathy and rarely feel genuine remorse for their actions. They often project their own insecurities onto others, viewing themselves as victims rather than acknowledging the pain they cause. While they may experience fleeting moments of regret when faced with significant crises, this is typically short-lived, as they quickly revert to their grandiose self-image and resume their predatory behavior. Ultimately, narcissists prioritize their own needs and desires, objectifying those around them without true reflection on their impact.


Narcissist's Addiction Atypical

There is little empirical research on the correlation between personality traits and addictive behaviors. Narcissism is an addiction to narcissistic supply, which is the narcissist's drug of choice. Narcissists derive pleasure from addictive and reckless behaviors, which sustain and enhance their grandiose fantasies. Narcissism is an adaptive behavior, while addiction is self-destructive and has no adaptive value.

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