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Narcissist's False Modesty

Uploaded 9/19/2010, approx. 4 minute read

I am Sam Vakninand I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.


The modesty displayed by narcissists is false. It is mostly and merely verbal. It is couched in flourishing phrases, emphasized to absurdity, repeated unnecessarily, usually to the point of causing gross inconvenience and embarrassment to the listener.

The real aim of such behavior, such ostentatious modestyand its subtext are exactly the opposite of common modesty to which we are accustomed.

False modesty is intended to either aggrandize the narcissist or to protect the narcissist's grandiosity from scrutiny and possible erosion.

Such modest outbursts precede inflated grandiosity-laden statements made by the narcissist and pertaining to fields of human knowledge and activity in which he is solely lacking.

Devoid of systematic and methodical education, the narcissist tries to make do with pompous or aggressive mannerisms, bombastic announcements, and the unnecessary and wrong usage of professional jargon.

The narcissist attempts to dazzle his surroundings with apparent brilliance and to put possible critics on the defense.

Beneath all this, the narcissist is shallow, ignorant, improvising, and fearful of being exposed as deceitful.

The narcissist is a conjurer of verbosity usinga slate of mouth rather than a slate of hand. He is ever possessed by the fear that he is really a petty crook and about to be unearthed and reviled by society.

This is a horrible feeling to endure and it's a taxing, honourous way to live.

The narcissist has to protect himself from his own premonitions, from his internal, semi-terminal trial, from his guilt, shame and anxiety.

One of the more efficacious defense mechanisms at the disposal of a narcissist is what I call false modesty.


How does it go?

Well, the narcissist publicly chastises himself for being unfit, unworthy, lacking, not trained, and not formally schooled, not objective, not cognizant of his own shortcomings and of being vain.

This way, if or rather when the narcissist is exposed, he can always say, but I told you so in the first place, haven't I?

False modesty is thus a kind of insurance policy.

The narcissist hedges his bets by placing a side bet on his own fallibility, weakness, deficiencies, and proneness to error.

Yet another function of false modesty is to extract narcissistic supply from the listener.

By contrasting his own self-deprecation with a brilliant, dazzling display of ingenuity with intellect, knowledge or beauty, the narcissist aims to secure an adoring, admiring, approving or applauding protestation from the listener.

The person to whom the falsely modest statement is addressed is expected to vehemently deny the narcissist's claims.

The listener, the source of narcissistic supply, is supposed to react to the narcissist's false modesty by saying, but really you are more of an expert than you admit. Or why did you tell me that you are unable to do this and that? You are actually very gifted. Or don't put yourself down so much. You're a generous man, etc.

The listener is supposed to contradict the content of the false modesty statement, thereby enhancing the narcissist's sense of self-worth, his self-esteem and self-confidence, and providing the narcissist with a narcissistic supply.

False modesty is therefore a bet.

Having received the narcissistic supply, the narcissist shrugs, smirks, blushes, and moves uncomfortably from side to side.

This was not his intention. He assures his interlocutor. He protests. He did not mean to fish for compliments, which is exactly what he did mean to do.

The narcissist says, I don't really deserve the praise, but the aim has been achieved. The narcissistic supply has been doled out and avidly consumed by the narcissist.

Despite the narcissist's protestations, he feels much better now. The narcissist is a dilettante, a charlatan. He glosses over complicated subjects and situations in life. He says true, they're powered by shallow acquaintance with rapidly acquired verbal and behavioral vocabularies.

He then promptly forgets everything he has learned when it's no longer needed.

False modesty is only one of a series of feigned behaviors. The narcissist is a pathological liar, either implicitly or explicitly.

His whole existence is a derivative of a false self, his deceitful invention, and its reflections.

With false modesty, the narcissist seeks to involve others in his mind games, to co-opt them, to force them to collaborate while making ultimate use of social conventions and conduct.

The narcissist above all is a shrewd manipulator, well acquainted with human nature and its fault lines. No narcissist will ever admit to it.

In this sense, narcissists are really modest.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

How Covert Narcissist’s Weaponizes Pseudo-humility (Preemptive Self-disclosure, Feigned Honesty)

Covert narcissists often employ pseudo-humility as a manipulative strategy to elicit compliments and maintain a façade of modesty while simultaneously fishing for validation. This behavior serves multiple functions, including minimizing expectations to ensure their achievements appear more impressive, testing the reactions of others to gauge their opinions, and creating a defense mechanism against anticipated criticism and rejection. Pseudo-humility also allows covert narcissists to conform to societal norms that value modesty, thereby gaining acceptance while subtly undermining those around them. Ultimately, this performative humility is a tool for impression management, enabling covert narcissists to manipulate perceptions and maintain control over their social environment.


Inverted Narcissist (Narcissist Codependent)

Inverted narcissists are a type of codependent who exclusively depend on a narcissist. They are self-effacing, sensitive, emotionally fragile, and sometimes socially phobic. They derive all their self-esteem and sense of self-worth from the outside and are pathologically envious. Inverted narcissists are narcissists, and it is possible to compose a set of criteria for them by translating the criteria available in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for the classical narcissist.


So, Is My Narcissist a Covert Narcissist? Nonsense vs. Scholarship

Covert narcissists are individuals who suffer from an in-depth sense of inferiority, have a marked propensity towards feeling ashamed, and are shy and fragile. They are unable to genuinely depend on others or trust them, suffer from chronic envy of others, and have a lack of regard for generational boundaries. Covert narcissists are not goal-orientated, have shallow vocational commitment, and are forgetful of details, especially names. Inverted narcissists are a subspecies of covert narcissism and are self-centered, sensitive, vulnerable, and defensive, sometimes hostile and paranoid.


Adulterous, Unfaithful Narcissists: Why Cheat and have Extramarital Affairs?

Narcissists are unfaithful to their spouses primarily due to their insatiable need for narcissistic supply, which they seek through sexual conquests and extramarital affairs. They experience boredom easily and use these affairs to inject excitement into their otherwise monotonous lives, while maintaining a semblance of stability in other areas. Their sense of superiority leads them to feel entitled to act outside social norms, viewing marriage as a constraint that diminishes their uniqueness. Additionally, narcissists fear intimacy and use infidelity as a means to avoid deeper emotional connections, allowing them to engage in relationships that are less demanding and more controllable.


Narcissist Hates Happy People and Holidays

Holidays and birthdays are a difficult time for narcissists, as they provoke a stream of pathological envy. The narcissist is jealous of others for having a family, being able to celebrate lavishly, or being in the right mood. They hate humans because they are unable to be one and want to spoil it for those who can enjoy. Holidays remind the narcissist of their childhood, the supportive and loving family they never had, and what could have been.


Narcissist's Romantic Jealousy and Possessiveness

Narcissists experience anxiety when they become aware of their possessive and jealous tendencies. Anxiety characterizes all their interactions with the opposite sex, especially in situations where there is a possibility of rejection or abandonment. The narcissist's envy of their female mate is a result of an unconscious conflict, and they exercise their imagination to justify their negative emotions. Narcissists often strike an unhealthy balance by being emotionally and physically absent, which drives their partner to find emotional and physical gratification outside the relationship.


Misinformation: Covert vs. Classic Narcissist

Covert narcissists differ significantly from classic narcissists, lacking the cunning and manipulative traits associated with the latter. They experience an internal conflict between feelings of worthlessness and a grandiose self-image, leading to anxiety and mood disorders. Covert narcissists often feel shame and guilt over their aggressive urges, resulting in shyness and perfectionism, while their relationships tend to be superficial and marked by a lack of trust. To be classified as an inverted narcissist, one must actively seek relationships with narcissists despite past abuse and feel unfulfilled in relationships with non-narcissists, alongside meeting other criteria for dependent personality disorder.


Narcissist Has No Friends

Narcissists treat their friends like Watson and Hastings, who are obsequious and unthreatening, and provide them with an adulating gallery. Narcissists cannot empathize or love, and therefore have no real friends. They are interested in securing narcissistic supply from narcissistic supply sources. The narcissist overvalues people when they are judged to be potential sources of supply, and devalues them when no longer able to supply him, ultimately leading to the alienation and distancing of people.


Remain Friends with the Narcissist?

Narcissists are only friendly when they need something from you, such as narcissistic supply, help, support, votes, money, or sex. They also become friendly when they feel threatened and want to smother the threat with pleasantries. Narcissists are also over-friendly when they have just been infused with an overdose of narcissistic supply. Some people prefer to live with narcissists because they have been conditioned to treat narcissistic abuse as background noise and are compensated for the abuse by the thrills provided by living with a narcissist. However, inverted narcissists are typically unhappy and in need of help, which suggests that they are victims who experience the Stockholm Syndrome.


Cope with Somatic Narcissist's Infidelity

Narcissists often engage in extramarital affairs to sustain their self-worth and grandiose fantasies, particularly somatic narcissists who rely on their physical attributes for validation. To cope with a narcissistic partner's infidelity, it is crucial to establish strict rules regarding contact with the lover and enforce clear consequences for violations. If the partner is unwilling to sever ties with the affair, it may be necessary to confront the reality of the relationship and consider seeking support from friends or professionals. Ultimately, staying with a narcissist requires a willingness to serve as a source of narcissistic supply, which can be a burdensome and unfulfilling role.

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