Cope with Somatic Narcissist's Infidelity

Uploaded 12/22/2010, approx. 4 minute read

I am Sam Vaknin, I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

What should you do if your husband is a narcissist and is having an extramarital affair, cheating on you and betraying your trust?

Well, the answer is that narcissists are people who feel to maintain a stable sense of self-worth. Very often somatic narcissists, they are narcissists who use their bodies and their sexuality to secure narcissistic supply, tend to get involved in extramarital affairs.

The new sexual conquests sustain their grandiose fantasies and their distorted and unrealistic self-image.

It is therefore nigh impossible to alter this particular behavior of a somatic narcissist.

Sexual interactions serve as a constant, reliable, easy to obtain narcissistic supply. It is the only source of such supply if the narcissist is not cerebral, in other words if he doesn't rely on his intellect, intelligence or professional achievements for narcissistic supply.

Pure somatic narcissists de-emphasize their intellectual capabilities in favor of their physical attributes, sexual prowess and ability to conquer the opposite sex or the same sex in case they are homosexuals.

One way of coping with this situation is that you should set up rigid, strict and very well-defined rules of engagement. Ideally, all contacts between your spouse and his lover should be immediately and irrevocably severed.

But this is usually too much to ask for.

So you should make crystal clear when is she allowed to call, whether she is allowed to write to him at all, and in which circumstances.

What are the subjects she is allowed to broach in her correspondence and phone calls? When is he allowed to see her, and what other modes of interaction between them are permissible?

Clear and painful sanctions must be defined in case the above rules are violated. Both rules and sanctions must be applied rigorously and mercilessly and must be set in writing in unequivocal terms.

Fairness is important, but so is rigorousness and strictness.

The problem is that the narcissist never really separates from his sources of narcissistic supply until and unless they cease to be sources.

Narcissists never really say goodbye. The narcissist's lover is likely to still have an emotional hold on him long after the affair is officially over.

The husband must first have his day of reckoning with her.

Help your narcissistic mate or husband or partner by telling him what will be the price that he tends to pay if he does not obey the rules and sanctions that you have agreed upon. Tell him that you cannot live like this any longer, that if he does not get rid of this presence, of the echoes of his past, really, he will be squandering his presence. He will be forfeiting you.

Don't be afraid to lose him. If he prefers this woman to you, it is important for you to know it. If he prefers you to her, your nightmare is over.

If you insist on staying with a somatic narcissist, you must also be prepared to serve as a source of narcissistic supply, an alternative to the supply provided by his lovers.

You must brace yourself. Serving as a source of narcissistic supply is an onerous task, a full-time job, and a very ungrateful one at that.

The narcissist, thirst for adulation, admiration, worship, approval, and attention, can never be quenched. It is a sesifian, mind-numbing effort which heralds only additional limits and is granted critical, humiliating tyrants by the narcissist.

That you are afraid to confront reality is normal. You are afraid to set clear alternatives. You are afraid that he will abandon you. You are afraid that he will prefer her to you.

And you may well be right.

But if this is the case and you go on living with him and tormenting yourself, it is unhealthy. You are living a deception.

If you found it difficult to confront the fact that it is all over between you, that your relationship is an empty shell, that your husband or intimate partner is with another woman in the fullest sense of the word, do not hesitate to seek help from professionals and non-professionals alike.

Friends are a great source of support and assistance.

But do not let the situation fester into psychological gangrene. Amputate now while you can.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Adulterous, Unfaithful Narcissists: Why Cheat and have Extramarital Affairs?

Narcissists cheat on their spouses for several reasons. Firstly, they require a constant supply of attention, admiration, and regulation to regulate their unstable sense of self-worth. Secondly, they are easily bored and require sexual conquests to alleviate this. Thirdly, they maintain an island of stability in their life surrounded by chaos and instability. Fourthly, they feel entitled to anything and everything and reject social conventions. Fifthly, they feel that being married reduces them to the lowest common denominator. Sixthly, they are control freaks and initiate other relationships to reassert control. Finally, they are terrified of intimacy and adultery is an excellent tool to suppress it.

How Narcissist Snapshots YOU to Bad Object

The narcissist hates and needs you, and he internalizes and converts you into a bad object. This process is called snapshotting, and it involves creating an internal object that represents you and interacting with it. The narcissist's state of mind is that of a two-year-old, and he experiences his overpowering need for you as love, but it's actually hate. The narcissist's reactions to manufactured bad objects include anger, depression, and schizoid withdrawal states. The narcissist's psychosexuality is influenced by the schizoid state, leading to sexlessness and abusive transactional relationships. The narcissist's behavior in all relationships, including business and friendships, follows a similar pattern of grooming, devaluation, discard, and replacement.

Why Narcissist Devalues YOU (Hint: Wants YOU "Dead")

Narcissists devalue their partners as a form of self-defense and control. There are two types of devaluation: preemptive and reactive. Preemptive devaluation occurs when a narcissist is in a transitional state between overt and covert narcissism, and they devalue potential sources of supply to prevent the overt side from using them against the covert side. Reactive devaluation is a response to a perceived threat to the narcissist's grandiosity or control. Both types of devaluation are harmful to the victim and serve to maintain the narcissist's sense of power and control.

When Hoovering Fails, Narcissist Fakes

The text discusses the narcissist's reaction when someone refuses to conform to their idealized image. When rejected, the narcissist experiences cognitive dissonance and resolves it by rewriting history and reality. They re-idealize the rejected person and then devalue them if they persist in rejecting the narcissist. The narcissist's internal representation of the rejected person persists in their mind, and they dedicate their life to forcing others to conform to this idealized image.

Why Cerebral Narcissist Chooses YOU

Cerebral narcissists choose sexually incompatible partners for six reasons: 1) to maintain a morally superior victim stance, 2) to test their partner's unconditional love and allegiance, 3) to control their partner through guilt and shame, 4) to legitimize their defiance and contempt for their partner, 5) to forgive their partner and feel like a benevolent figure, and 6) to give their partner freedom while maintaining their own schizoid lifestyle. Cerebral narcissists are repelled by physicality and only engage in sex when hunting for a new partner to embed in a shared fantasy.

Incest, Emotional Infidelity, Reality therapy (RT), Our Introjects, Music Triggers

The text is a Q&A session on various topics related to narcissism, including the influence of the dual mothership principle on the narcissist's sex drive, the impact of emotional cheating versus physical infidelity on narcissists, an overview of reality therapy, and a discussion on interjects and their role in relationships. Additionally, the text touches on the triggering effect of music on narcissists, linking it to early childhood experiences of verbal abuse and entraining.

Narcissist Frustrates Women with Ostentatious Fidelity

Narcissists, particularly cerebral narcissists, often frustrate women who are attracted to them by withholding sex or teasing them. This is because they are misogynists who hold women in contempt and fear them. They divide women into saints and whores, and view sex and intimacy as mutually exclusive. The narcissist's frustrating behavior serves to secure a narcissistic supply and reenact unresolved conflicts with their mother. They pathologize women to control them and project their own parasitic behavior onto them.

Your Role in Narcissist’s Shared Fantasy is Why He Hates You (hint: you make him feel himself – and human)

In summary, the narcissist's intimate partner plays a crucial role in the shared fantasy by fulfilling the roles of admirer, playmate, and mother. This allows the narcissist to experience maximal grandiosity and feel safe enough to separate and individuate. However, the intimate partner's presence also leads to the narcissist's self-hatred and inability to maintain meaningful communication with both the outside world and himself. The intimate partner ultimately becomes a threat to the narcissist, as they make the narcissist feel human, which is something the narcissist does not want to be.

Sex and Narcissistic Supply: Cerebral, Somatic, and YOU!

Narcissists objectify and interchange intimate partners, and are often sexually deviant. The cerebral narcissist suppresses their sexual predilections to maintain a gratifying and exclusive relationship with their source of secondary supply, while the somatic narcissist indulges their sexual preferences with multiple partners. The cerebral narcissist would rather hurt their partner by withholding sex than lose them altogether, while the somatic narcissist seeks out unstable partners to regulate their sense of self-worth. Sex is a necessary evil to the cerebral narcissist, while it is a source of narcissistic supply to the somatic narcissist.

Narcissist: Pornography as Real Life (ENGLISH responses)

Narcissists who are cerebral asexuals do not respond to any sexual cues, advances, or courting by any possible sex partner. They are not responding to visual cues in leaving people. Pornography creates an addiction and misrepresents sex, converting it into something impersonal, aggressive, and dead. Narcissists invest sexual energy and emotions in masturbation but have no investment in sex with real people. The narcissist is self-sufficient in everything and is an autonomous unit with zero dependence on other people, except for narcissistic supply.

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