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Sadistic Women-lover, Sadistic Women-hater

Uploaded 12/22/2017, approx. 3 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

The overwhelming majority of narcissists, male narcissists, hate women, they despise them, they hold them in contempt, they are afraid of them, afraid of their sexuality, their power to bring life to the world, their alleged ostensible irrationality, etc.

But there is a tiny minority of narcissists who actually love women. Both narcissists who love women, philogenists, and narcissists who hate women, misogynists, both of them end up torturing women, frustrating them and sadistically using them for their own ends.

The sadistic women lover, the philogenist, is drawn to women, he desires them, he covets their traits.

This kind of narcissist admires women and generally prefers to spend his time with them. This narcissist adores women's company. He surrounds himself with women.

But it is precisely this inexorable pull that terrifies the philogenist, the sadistic, narcissistic women lover. He is mortified by the fact that he cannot resist, that he finds women irresistible. He is awed by women's hold over him. He is very afraid of his own resultant women-centered obsessions and compulsions.

This kind of narcissist, the philogenistic narcissist, is poorly equipped to deal with and is overwhelmed by the emotions that women provoke in him.

In a desperate attempt to extricate himself, this kind of narcissist adopts avoidant behaviors. He shunts women, he frustrates women, he abuses women, tortures and humiliates them, frequently, overtly and intentionally, but very often not.

This panoply of avoidant behaviors restores his sense of control, power and superiority over women. This is an anxiety reduction mechanism.

These kind of behaviors are intended to restore the inner carbon piece of this type of narcissist.

Now, thus rehabilitated, he can embark on a new cycle of approach avoidance with his next female target.


And then there's the sadistic women-hater, the misogynist. As I said, the majority of narcissists are like that. They hold women in utter contempt, they detest them, they wish them ill and they seek to punish them.

This kind of narcissist, the misogynistic sadistic narcissist, displays the same range of behaviors that the sadistic women lover does.

In other words, it's very difficult to tell apart the philogenistic women lover narcissist from the women-hating narcissist. They both act the same, but for entirely different psychodynamic reasons.

The sadistic women lover seeks to restore a semblance of balance, of balance of power, balance of potency between himself and the women he finds so irresistible. The sadistic women-hater aims to annihilate women, to remove women from his life, to penalize them harshly for daring to intrude on his being with their demands for love, sex and intimacy, which he perceives as women's self-interested manipulation.

The sadistic women-hater fears women. He understands that they can gain access to his innermost resources. He regards them as the embodiment and the reification of his weak points, his areas of penetration, his vulnerabilities.

In an attempt to distance himself from these shortcomings and failings as he perceives them, he punishes the messenger, the women, who bring forth these tidings that he cannot countenance, cannot live with, cannot contemplate.

The narcissist regards women as mirrors, mirrors of his own deficiencies. He therefore breaks the mirror. He hates women. He makes sure to turn their lives into living hells.

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Narcissists Hate Women, Misogynists

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Codependency State Of Mind, Not State Of Affairs

Narcissists do not have a preference for kind or empathic partners, as they do not engage in true intimacy and view empathy as a weakness; they seek partners primarily for sex, supply, and services. Codependency and trauma are subjective states of mind that reflect how individuals react to external events, with codependents often fostering abusive dynamics due to their comfort in such environments. Dependent personality disorder, while debated, is characterized by excessive reliance on others for emotional regulation and self-worth, often stemming from childhood experiences of conditional love. Situational codependency can develop in response to life crises, leading individuals to seek relationships to avoid loneliness, but this behavior is distinct from lifelong codependency, which is rooted in deeper psychological issues.


Narcissist's Fantasy Sex Life

Narcissists and psychopaths often have a fantasy-based sex life that reflects their psychodynamic inner landscape, including fear of intimacy, misogyny, control-freak tendencies, auto-eroticism, latent sadism and masochism, problems of gender identity, and various sexual deviances or failures. Their fantasies often involve the aggressive or violent objectification of a faceless, nameless, and sometimes even sexless person, and they are always in unmitigated control of their environment and the people in it. The narcissist's self-exposure to their intimate partner often elicits reactions of horror, repulsion, and estrangement.


How Narcissist/Psychopath Sees YOU, his Victim, and Why Borderlines Adore Them

Narcissists experience a distorted reality where they cannot distinguish between their grandiose fantasies and actual experiences, leading them to idealize partners as a reflection of their own self-worth. In contrast, psychopaths lack genuine emotions and manipulate others for personal gain, often discarding them once their goals are achieved. Borderline individuals oscillate between narcissistic and psychopathic traits, reacting to perceived rejections with intense emotional dysregulation and a desire to inflict pain on others. The dynamics between these personality types create complex and often destructive relationships, with each seeking validation or control in different ways.


When Narcissist Says "I Love You" - What Does It Mean To Him?

Narcissists and borderlines often mislabel and misidentify their internal processes as love and intimacy, despite being incapable of experiencing true love or intimacy. They confuse dependency, limerence, exhibitionism, masochism, defiance, competitiveness, possessiveness, neediness, and people-pleasing with love and intimacy. This mislabeling is an attempt at self-restoration and bridging confabulation, as they have a diminished self-insight and inability to introspect. Their constant attempt to explain or describe their internal processes is an effort to restore their being, relationship with the world, and ultimately their identity.


Narcissist’s Mixed Signals: You His Mother, He Your Father

Narcissists often have distorted sexual relationships due to conflicting messages received during childhood, leading them to either seek maternal figures or treat partners as disposable objects. Their sexuality is characterized by sadism, where they derive pleasure from degrading and objectifying women rather than from genuine intimacy or love. As relationships progress, women may initially indulge the narcissist's fantasies but eventually seek true intimacy, leading to frustration and withdrawal from the narcissist. Ultimately, this cycle results in a lack of genuine connection, with both parties trapped in dysfunctional patterns that stem from their unresolved childhood issues.


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Narcissist’s Two Rejections Giving, Love, And Abuse

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Can Narcissist Truly Love?

Narcissists are incapable of genuine love, viewing others primarily as sources of narcissistic supply, which is essentially attention. They perceive their loved ones as objects or extensions of themselves, reacting with rage to any signs of independence or autonomy. There are two types of narcissists: one seeks stability and control, while the other craves chaos and drama, but both reduce their loved ones to mere props in their lives. Ultimately, the narcissist's so-called love is rooted in fear and self-interest, leading to a cycle of idealization and devaluation of those around them.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
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