I am Sam Vakninand I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.
My frequent advice to victims of abuse is run, flee to the hills, detach, no contact, go away, escape, but do not leave unprepared.
Study and execute every detail of your getaway. This is especially important if your partner is violent and paranoid.
Be sure to make a safety plan, how to get rid, how to get out of the house unnoticed, and the indispensable minimum items that you should carry with you, even on a short notice.
Here are the recommendations of the province of Alberta in Canada.
Long before you actually leave, copy all important documents and store them in a safe place. These include identity cards, health care and social insurance or security cards, driver's license and registration, credit cards, bank cards, other personal identification papers including picture IDs, birth certificate, immunization cards for the children, custody orders, personal checkbook, lost banking statements and mortgage papers. Make a list of all computer passwords and access codes, for instance ATM pins.
When you leave the house, take with you these copied documents as well as the following personal items, prescribed medication, personal hygiene products, glasses and contact lenses, money, borrow money from family members, a neighbour, a colleague or friends if you have to.
Take with you several changes of clothing, don't forget night wear and underwear, heirlooms, jewellery, photo albums, pictures that you want to keep, craft, middle work and hobby work.
The situation is inevitably more complicated if you are fleeing with your children. In this case, be sure to bring with you their various medications, soother, bottles, favorite toy or blanket and clothing, again night wear, underwear.
All their kids may carry their own clothes and school books. Make a list of the following and have it on you at all times, addresses and phone numbers, domestic violence shelters, police stations, night courts, community social services, schools in the vicinity, major media and address and phone and fax numbers of your lawyer and his attorneys.
Secure a detailed public transportation map. Your best bet is to apply to a shelter for a safe place to stay the first few days and nights.
See a separate video that I have prepared about domestic violence shelters.
If you can afford to, your next step should be to hire a divorce attorney and file for interim custody. Your divorce papers can be served much later.
Your first concern is to keep the children with you safely and legally. Your husband is likely to claim that you have kidnapped them.
But your escape should be only the tip of a long period of meticulous preparations.
We already mentioned that you should make copies of all important documents. Don't escape from your predicament, penniless. Secretly put aside cash for an escape fund.
Your husband is likely to block your checking account and your credit cards. Ask around where you can stay the first week. Will your family or friends accept you?
Apply to a domestic violence shelter and wait to be accepted before you get away. Be sure to know where you are going that first night. Make extra sets of keys and documents. Bundle these up with some clothes and keep these reserved, troughs with friends and family.
Put one such treasure in a safety deposit box and give the key to someone you trust.
Secure transportation for the day or night of the escape. Agree on codes and signals with friends and family. For instance, if I don't call you by 10pm something has gone wrong or if I call you and say that Ron is home, call the police. You should wait until he is gone and only then leave home.
Avoid confrontation over your departure. It can end badly. Do not inform him of your plans. Make excuses to sleep away in the days and months before you actually leave. Get him used to your frequent absence.
Should you get the police involved? Watch the next video for an answer.