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Stalked: Your Getaway - Planning and Executing It

Uploaded 11/2/2010, approx. 3 minute read

I am Sam Vakninand I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

My frequent advice to victims of abuse is run, flee to the hills, detach, no contact, go away, escape, but do not leave unprepared.

Study and execute every detail of your getaway. This is especially important if your partner is violent and paranoid.

Be sure to make a safety plan, how to get rid, how to get out of the house unnoticed, and the indispensable minimum items that you should carry with you, even on a short notice.

Here are the recommendations of the province of Alberta in Canada.

Long before you actually leave, copy all important documents and store them in a safe place. These include identity cards, health care and social insurance or security cards, driver's license and registration, credit cards, bank cards, other personal identification papers including picture IDs, birth certificate, immunization cards for the children, custody orders, personal checkbook, lost banking statements and mortgage papers. Make a list of all computer passwords and access codes, for instance ATM pins.

When you leave the house, take with you these copied documents as well as the following personal items, prescribed medication, personal hygiene products, glasses and contact lenses, money, borrow money from family members, a neighbour, a colleague or friends if you have to.

Take with you several changes of clothing, don't forget night wear and underwear, heirlooms, jewellery, photo albums, pictures that you want to keep, craft, middle work and hobby work.

The situation is inevitably more complicated if you are fleeing with your children. In this case, be sure to bring with you their various medications, soother, bottles, favorite toy or blanket and clothing, again night wear, underwear.

All their kids may carry their own clothes and school books. Make a list of the following and have it on you at all times, addresses and phone numbers, domestic violence shelters, police stations, night courts, community social services, schools in the vicinity, major media and address and phone and fax numbers of your lawyer and his attorneys.

Secure a detailed public transportation map. Your best bet is to apply to a shelter for a safe place to stay the first few days and nights.

See a separate video that I have prepared about domestic violence shelters.

If you can afford to, your next step should be to hire a divorce attorney and file for interim custody. Your divorce papers can be served much later.

Your first concern is to keep the children with you safely and legally. Your husband is likely to claim that you have kidnapped them.

But your escape should be only the tip of a long period of meticulous preparations.

We already mentioned that you should make copies of all important documents. Don't escape from your predicament, penniless. Secretly put aside cash for an escape fund.

Your husband is likely to block your checking account and your credit cards. Ask around where you can stay the first week. Will your family or friends accept you?

Apply to a domestic violence shelter and wait to be accepted before you get away. Be sure to know where you are going that first night. Make extra sets of keys and documents. Bundle these up with some clothes and keep these reserved, troughs with friends and family.

Put one such treasure in a safety deposit box and give the key to someone you trust.

Secure transportation for the day or night of the escape. Agree on codes and signals with friends and family. For instance, if I don't call you by 10pm something has gone wrong or if I call you and say that Ron is home, call the police. You should wait until he is gone and only then leave home.

Avoid confrontation over your departure. It can end badly. Do not inform him of your plans. Make excuses to sleep away in the days and months before you actually leave. Get him used to your frequent absence.

Should you get the police involved? Watch the next video for an answer.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

DANGER: Paranoid Ex

To minimize the danger of a paranoid ex, it is important to put physical distance between yourself and them, change contact details, and not inform them of your whereabouts. It is also important to be prepared for violence and to alert law enforcement officers, check out domestic violence shelters, and consider owning a self-defense weapon. Paying attention to unusual patterns and events can help identify if a paranoid ex is monitoring you. It is important to teach children to avoid the ex and report any contact. Appeasing the ex is futile, and it is important to use the law to obtain restraining orders and ensure they spend time in jail.


Mentally Ill: Bail Out, Save Yourself - Not THEM!

Mentally ill people often emotionally blackmail others into becoming their rescuers, and once they have, they want to infect them with their illness. This is because they want to share their pain and feel accepted. However, mentally ill people do not want to be helped, and they have strong resistances and defenses against healing. Therefore, it is important to harden your heart and walk away from mentally ill people to save yourself.


Domestic Violence Shelters

Before moving into a domestic violence shelter, it is important to ensure that the shelter's philosophy aligns with your own. Check if the shelter caters to specific ethnic minorities or neighborhoods, and if you can abide by the house rules. Gather intelligence and be informed before making a move, and talk to battered women who spend time in the shelter. Ensure that the shelter is secure, and that it provides counseling for abusers as well as ongoing support for their victims. Remember that shelters are temporary solutions, and plan your life after the shelter.


Narcissist: Set Firm Personal Boundaries!

Personal boundaries are essential to protect oneself from abusive behavior. It is important to set boundaries clearly and communicate them to others, including the consequences of violating them. It is crucial to enforce boundaries consistently and involve law enforcement or friends and colleagues if necessary. One should be vigilant, doubting, and not gullible, and expose the abuser to their collaborators.


Stalker Psychology

Stalking is a form of abuse that continues long after a relationship has ended, with the majority of abusers getting the message. However, a minority of abusers, the more vindictive and obsessed ones, continue to stalk their ex-partners for years to come. These stalkers are typically lonely, violent, and intermittently unemployed, but they are rarely full-fledged criminals. Contrary to myths perpetrated by the mass media, studies show that most stalkers are men, have high IQs, advanced degrees, and are middle-aged.


Stalked? Call Police and Law Enforcement!

The rule of thumb for dealing with an abusive partner is to involve the police and law enforcement authorities whenever possible. Physical assault, rape, stalking, marital rape, and cruelty to animals are all criminal offenses that should be reported to the police. Financial abuse is also a criminal offense, and the police must respond to complaints. The police officer on the scene must inform the victim of their legal options and rights, and the officer in charge must furnish them with a list of domestic violence shelters and other forms of help available in their community.


Stalked: Get Help

Victims of abuse should seek help from family, friends, and colleagues. However, the legal system may not be effective in dealing with stalking and domestic violence. Victims should document the abuse and report it to the police and building security. They should also hire a security expert if the threat is credible or imminent and rely on professional advice from attorneys, accountants, private detectives, and therapists. Joining support groups and organizations for victims of abuse and stalking can also be validating and empowering.


Spot a Narcissist or a Psychopath on Your First Date

There are warning signs to identify abusers and narcissists early on in a relationship. One of the first signs is the abuser's tendency to blame others for their mistakes and failures. Other signs include hypersensitivity, eagerness to commit, controlling behavior, patronizing and condescending manner, and devaluing the partner. Abusers may also idealize their partner, have sadistic sexual fantasies, and switch between abusive and loving behavior. Paying attention to body language can also reveal warning signs.


Body Language of Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abuser

Abusers emit subtle signals in their body language that can be observed and discerned. They adopt a posture of superiority and entitlement, and they idealize or devalue their interlocutors. Abusers are shallow and prefer show-off to substance, and they are serious about themselves. They lack empathy, are sadistic, and have inappropriate affect. They are adept at casting a veil of secrecy over their dysfunction and misbehavior, and they succeed in deceiving the entire world.


Coping Styles: Narcissist Abuses "Loved" Ones Despite Abandonment Anxiety

Narcissists abuse their loved ones to decrease their abandonment anxiety, restore their sense of grandiosity, and test their partner's loyalty. Abuse also serves as a form of behavior modification, as it signals to the partner that they need to modify their behavior to avoid abuse. Coping styles for dealing with abuse include submissiveness, conflicting, mirroring, collusion, and displacement, but some of these styles can be harmful and should be avoided.

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