I have breaking news for you. This is going to be a shorter video. Yay!
Today we are going to discuss schizoid and cerebral narcissists, and we are going to discuss something that bothers you a lot, that you can't wrap your heads around, that you keep quizzically trying to decipher to no avail.
How come the schizoid or the cerebral narcissist lets his partner cheat on him consensually, how come he allows his partner to be with other men, if he is a heterosexual male, how come he allows his partner to be with other women, isn't this narcissistic injury? Why does he sometimes push her to be with other men, isn't it a challenge to his grandiosity?
Well, a challenge to grandiosity, narcissistic injury and even mortification depend crucially on the locus of the grandiosity, whether grandiosity resides.
If you think you are a genius and someone challenges your intellect or your intellectual capability and accomplishments, that would be narcissistic injury.
But if you don't care about love, you don't understand or never experienced intimacy, and you don't particularly like sex, or you like sex, but you know, like other people like caviar once in five years, then it doesn't matter to you.
If your partner misbehaves with other men, that's not a challenge to your grandiosity.
Somatic narcissists on the other hand are going to react very badly to the very same behavior or misbehavior by their intimate partners, because the locus of grandiosity of the somatic narcissist is between his legs and his sexual prowess, conquests, his body.
So somatic narcissists are bodybuilders. They hone and nurture their bodies as weapons, instruments of war.
And so the schizoid and cerebral narcissists honestly don't care if their partners end up sleeping around or having long-term love affairs or casual one-night stands.
It simply is not within the remit of their grandiosity.
And the most precious thing to the narcissist is to buttress, protect, preserve his grandiosity. That is his life. That's where he comes alive when his grandiosity somehow manifests or on the other hand is challenged.
Bon bon im.
Now, of course, I'm going to go into details, but not before I drink from my mini.
You see minis cheat on me with other mugs. I found her in flagrante.
Now, whatever I'm going to say to you in this video lecture is based on my famous by now database of 1912. People diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder to be included in my database. You have to provide a letter from your therapist, from the diagnostician confirming that you had been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and not other comorbidities. And then you're subjected to a questionnaire of close to 700 questions.
The answers to these questions are put in a database. And once a year, you are supposed to respond to follow up questions. This is by far the largest database in the universe of narcissists.
Just to give you a benchmark, most studies of narcissists involve an average of, hold your breath, four people. A study with 20 narcissists is considered to be ginormous.
And I have a database with well over 1.1 billion data points. That's billion, not million data points involving almost 2,000 certifiable narcissists, kosher narcissists.
So whatever I'm going to tell you right now is based on a follow-up questionnaire that I had sent to 120 self-described schizoid narcissists of these 89 had answered. I've amalgamated the questions and the answers.
Additionally, I myself am a schizoid cerebral narcissist. So I was able to vet the answers. I was able to see where the answers deviated from what I happened to know from personal experience. And I was able to add my personal experience into the mix.
But what you're about to hear is not autobiographical only. It is based on us relatively large sample of schizoid cerebral narcissists from well over 34 countries. And of course, different cultures and different societies.
So stay tuned. This is a trip in every sense of the word. This is entering the twilight zone.
I mean, the reasons we give, the logic, the reasoning, I mean, it's inhuman. It's transhuman. I don't know what to call it anymore.
You have never come across people like this. I mean, your initial response would be to say, well, there are cycles. It's not a question of being a psycho. There is rhyme and reason to all this. And I'm about to insert the key, turn it, turn it and open the door for you.
So enjoy the show.
Cheating. Why I allow my partners to cheat on me.
First of all, we need to go back to the topic of shared fantasy.
The narcissist's ability to engage in a shared fantasy rests on three pillars.
There are three conditions.
Environment, circumstances, the right partner.
Start with the environment. The environment has to be ruthless. It has to be an environment where the narcissist is not attached. He's not bonded to the environment. An environment that is easy to discard. It has to be fantastic. It has to be dreamlike in order to uphold this grandiosity. The environment has to be timeless and eternal present so that actions do not bear consequences.
When you don't have a future, nothing you do right now will have consequences because there's no future.
So it's a license. It's a liberating license to misbehave or behave or do whatever you want to do because there's no tomorrow.
And finally, the environment has to be boundless. There should be no limit to what can be done and what can be accomplished. Circumstances. Circumstances ought to be right.
When you have the right environment, the right circumstances, the right partner, you can put them together and create a shared fantasy.
The shared fantasy to remind you is not my invention. Shared fantasy is a clinically accepted entity, clinically accepted construct.
First described by Sander, in 1989.
Watch my previous videos.
So the circumstances have to be right. They have to be conducive to grandiose fantasies by yielding lots of money, lots of sex, lots of power, lots of access, lots of fame, celebrity, notoriety. And all this has to be accomplished effortlessly with no commensurate investment or commitment.
Think Harvey Weinstein. The partner in the shared fantasy has to be present. In order to avoid abandonment anxiety, she has to be present all the time. Not physically necessarily, but definitely emotionally and mentally. She has to be submissive. She has to be fawning, adulating. She has to be playful. She has to be a bit childlike, immature. And finally, and most importantly by far, she has to be mothering.
The narcissist parentifies the intimate partner within the shared fantasy. She has to be mothering. If it's business or friendship, the other party should be fathering.
So it's a parental figure. The intimate partner should be mothering, should provide the narcissist with a good enough mother, which he didn't have.
In his childhood, she should not be a dead mother. Finally, she should be addicted to the narcissist, unable to break loose.
So my experience corroborated by well over 89 cases that had bothered to respond to the questionnaire, cases in my database, as well as the literature.
Because the literature is very clear on schizoid attachment style, on issues of infidelity, on intimate relationships. I refer to literature by Fairbairn, Gantt, Seinfeld, Winnicott, you name it.
So everything I'm about to say is very, very well substantiated, although it's mind boggling. It's absolutely mind boggling. It defies belief.
So in all his relationships, the schizoid narcissist or the cerebral narcissist, and the vast majority of schizoid narcissists are actually cerebral narcissists. So in all the relationship, the schizoid cerebral, so for now I'm going to say schizoid cerebral narcissist, okay?
In all his relationship, the schizoid cerebral narcissist allows his intimate partners to be with others, as sexual or even long-term romantic partners.
Now, I'm going to use from here on, I'm going to use he for the narcissist and she for his intimate partner. But of course there are numerous combinations. They're homosexual couples, lesbian couples.
There's a situation where the woman, the feminine side, the female side is the narcissist and the male side is actually the other party. So I'm going to use it for convenience sake, but it applies to all possible combinations.
In all his relationships, the schizoid cerebral narcissist allows his partners and sometimes encourages them to be with other men, as sexual or even long-term romantic partners.
He on the other hand is forbidden to have any contact whatsoever with women, unless his partner is present and she could terminate the meeting at any time. So his partner maintains full control over his access to other potential intimate partners. He gives up his sex life, his contact with women, even his social life. His partner is given a free hand. She can do anything she wants. She can screw around. She can slip around. She can disappear for days. She can come back in the morning. She can do absolutely anything she wants.
What kind of arrangement is this? It's a very lopsided doormat arrangement. It's a total suspension of boundaries.
These narcissists are not unboundary. They don't have boundaries.
Why do they agree to such a deal where the partner has full liberty to misbehave? This is no other word, to misbehave in any way she sees fit.
And the narcissist actually in this equation has no right to be in touch with people, let alone women. He is a prisoner in effect. He is a hostage. It's a hostage situation.
Why would anyone agree to this?
Now, mind you, this is not the overt narcissist. This is not the covert narcissist. This is a highly specific sub-sub-sub type, the schizo-eat cerebral narcissist.
A loner, a loner who sits alone at home, reads books, serves the internet, watches movies, eats and goes to sleep, rarely talks to other people, never socializes, never communicates with women because his wife or his girlfriend or his lover forbids it. And she forbids it even as she is having long-term affairs, even as she is having one night stands. And even she comes back home at five or seven o'clock in the morning, having had a night out with a man often, often ostentatiously in the presence of the narcissist.
Why would anyone agree to such a manifestly sick arrangement?
Well, because he is sick.
Let me give you the reasons enumerated by these individuals who had answered the questionnaire and supported fully by my own experience in all my relationships, all my women.
I've had this arrangement with all my women and all the women in my life, intimate partners in my life, had slept with other men and had affairs with other men and had misbehaved with other men in a variety of other ways. And I fully accepted it.
And at the same time, I accepted restrictions and limitations and prohibitions on my own behavior.
For example, I was not allowed to be in touch with women in any way, shape or form, unless my intimate partner was present and was able to terminate the interaction.
So I'm one of these cases.
Okay, here are the reasons that people gave and that I concur with and support from my personal experience.
Number one, in order to persevere and survive within the narcissist increasingly more sexless fantasy, the woman has to meet her sexual and emotional needs with men, real men. So narcissist is not a real man by any extension of the word, by any definition. And by any interpretation of this word, the narcissist is not a man. He is intermittently a child. He sometimes is a guru, and sometimes he's a father figure, but he's never an adult man.
So the woman finds herself trapped with a child and most of the time with a child, sometimes with a very harsh and disciplinarian father guru figure, and she needs a man. She wants a man, she craves. She craves what a man can give physically and emotionally.
So the schismic cerebral narcissist realizes his deficiencies and allows his partner to outsource her needs, to go outside the marriage, to gratify the needs that he cannot never ever provide love, intimacy, sex, attention, companionship, acceptance, warmth, compassion, affection.
Number two, as long as there are no indications of imminent abandonment, the schismic cerebral narcissist doesn't care if his intimate partner is with other men. But she, the intimate partner, does feel hurt, does feel insecure if the schismic cerebral narcissist were to have any interaction with other women.
It's like the schismic cerebral narcissist says, I don't care if she's with other men, but she cares if I'm with other women. So, you know, I will not be with other women. I will not hurt her. I will not hurt her feelings. No, I will not make her feel insecure. When she misbehaves with other men, it's okay with me.
And our signs of imminent abandonment include usually change in behavior. They're warning signs, they're usually red flags, which precede the actual abandonment or actual breakup.
So changes in attitude, changes in mood, changes in behaviors.
So suddenly the intimate partner becomes indifferent or disrespectful or deceptive. I will discuss all this later.
When these signs kick in, the cerebral schismic narcissist becomes very possessive. Not romantically jealous, never, but possessive.
And again, we'll come to it a bit later.
The third reason why a cerebral schismic narcissist would allow his wife, for example, to be with other men, is that he feels that he should be grateful to her for any time she spends with him, for any dedication of resources to his needs.
He feels that he is so broken, so damaged, so inadequate that her very presence, the very presence of the intimate partner in his life is a sacrifice on her part. She's sacrificing a lot by being with him. She's doing him a huge favor.
So he has no right and he's not in a position to establish boundaries or rules and then to enforce them. You know, you don't check a gift horse in the mouth or anywhere else for that matter. Don't try it at home.
Reason number four, she's an adult and the cerebral schismic narcissist is not an adult. So she needs mature, conventional, reciprocated, and regular sex and intimacy.
The schismic cerebral narcissist does not need intimacy in sex of any kind. The intimate partners of the schismic cerebral narcissist are actually single. They are what I call virtual singles. And they are ensconced, they are cocooned, they are trapped with a petulant child or with a stern father at home.
And so dating others is the only outlet and the only escape for these women.
Because what's the alternative? A child at home, a father, having sex with a child or a father is insidious. It's out of the question.
These women are very sex averse. They can't even imagine touching the schismic narcissist, let alone sleeping with him. They cut off the sex when the shared fantasy starts. They refuse to sleep with a schismic cerebral narcissist because it's disgusting. He's disgusting. He's not a man in any sense. He's kind of an alien entity, if you wish, a reptile.
The fifth reason is that the schismic cerebral narcissist can have sex, initially at least, only within a shared fantasy.
So if he were to have sex, if he were to seek intimacy, he would need to go out of the marriage, out of the relationship and establish a new relationship. The intimate partner of the schismic cerebral narcissist usually can compartmentalize. Compartmentalize means she can have sex with other men. She can have love affairs with other men. They could be even long and serious and intimate and deep, but she will never abandon the schismic cerebral narcissist as a child, for example. She would always cater to his needs. She would always be there for him. Out of pity, out of compassion, out of attachment, out of addiction, never mind for what reason. As long as a cerebral somatic narcissist is convinced that she will never leave him, he is content to let her have a parallel double life with another man, to gratify her needs for a male presence and everything a man can give a woman elsewhere because he can't and actually he doesn't want to. Even if he could, he wouldn't want to.
So if he were to decide to become normal, so to speak, and have sex and intimacy, he would need to have a new relationship. And she doesn't have to have a new relationship. Or if she does have a new relationship, she would still come back to cater to the needs of the schismic cerebral narcissist.
And anyhow, if the schismic cerebral narcissist were to go and seek a new relationship, a new shared fantasy, what good would it do? What would it do? Any new shared fantasy will end the same way. Any new shared fantasy will end the very same way the previous shared fantasies had ended with sexlessness, with cheating, with acrimony.
So why bother? Why bother to have a new shared fantasy when the narcissist already has a shared fantasy?
Yes, within this shared existing shared fantasy, he has no sex, he has no intimacy, and really he has no love, at least not as a man, had he been a man.
And his intimate partner, his spouse, his girlfriend, his lover, is all over the place with other men. And it's humiliating. It's humiliating. It's shameful. It's shaming. It's a hard thing to countenance.
But what's the alternative? Exit the existing shared fantasy, start a new shared fantasy, and find yourself in the same situation three years down the road, usually three months down the road.
What's the point in this? As long as the narcissist is getting supply, as long as he's getting services, however grudgingly, however meager, better stay put, better to forget everything about sex and intimacy and love, because they're out of reach. They're unattainable. They're just a pipe dream.
The next reason is that only mentally ill, broken, damaged and traumatized women are likely to be attracted to this schizoid cerebral narcissist. Only these kind of women are likely to enter a new shared fantasy.
And such women pose serious risks. They are dysregulated. They're labile. They're impulsive. They're reckless. There's a risk of exposure. There's a risk of blackmail. There's a risk of suicide. There's a risk of criminal liability.
Who needs this?
What is all this?
At least the existing shared fantasy is safe. It's secure. It's firewall. The world out there is threatening and menacing, which is one of the main reasons schizoid are loners and stay at home. They're afraid of the world. They're afraid of the pain and hurt the world can inflict upon them.
The typical schizoid cerebral narcissist sublimates. He's autoerotic, sadistic, kinky sex drive.
Let me explain. Sublimation is a word coined by Freud to describe the conversion of an urge or a drive into socially acceptable forms.
So you want to do something. It's not done. You shouldn't do it. Consequences will be bad. You take this energy and you change it into something socially acceptable.
For example, you want to have sex and instead of having sex, you write a book. Instead of having sex, you engage in politics. That's sublimation. There's a lot of energy. This energy goes into something else. Forget sex, forget women, forget everything.
So the cerebral schizoid narcissist successfully sublimates his sex drive. He really, really honestly prefers to learn things, to read books, to surf the internet, to cater to his, to tend to his collections or to watch movies. He finds these things much more gratifying and interesting than being with a woman or having sex. He's usually also bored. People bore the typical schizoid cerebral narcissist because schizoid cerebral narcissists have a very low IQ and they find people dull and boring and excruciatingly stupid. So gradually they gravitate into this solitary solipsistic position and they find solitary activities to be the name of the game. They love them. They love to do things by their own. They love to control time and space totally.
And what about the biological drive?
Well, the biological drive is satisfied with porn and masturbation. The psychosexual kink or even sadism that characterizes schizoid cerebral narcissist does require a live body, but the schizoid cerebral narcissist makes a calculus of pros and cons and reaches a conclusion that the price of kinky sex is not worth the price of pursuing women and then ending up in a shared fantasy exactly in the same place, in square one, in ground zero.
So what schizoid cerebral narcissist do?
They suppress the sex drive. They suppress the urge for intimacy and the overwhelming need for love. They suppress all this.
And exactly like pedophiliacs, for example, practitioners of some paraphilias, they simply tend to bury their drive, but they bury also the emotional concomitants of the drive.
So they bury not only their psychosexuality, they bury also, they bury also love, the potential for love or the potential for intimacy. Their lives are lonely and barren, like a huge, I call it intimacy desert.
Additionally, if the schizoid cerebral narcissist is also sadistic, which is a tiny minority, but it does exist. If he's sadistic, rejecting women, frustrating women and humiliating women, especially publicly by not responding to sexual advances, for example, these acts, these sadistic pleasures, this pain inflicted on women feels much better than sex, actually.
And finally, the last point, why schizoids, cerebral narcissists allow cheating, legitimize, consensually cheating within their relationships, actually sometimes push the partner to cheat in collusive infidelity. Why they do this, allowing the partner to cheat restores their delusion of being in control.
Yes, she's cheating, but I told her to cheat. Yes, she's cheating, but she tells me everything about it. Yes, she's cheating, but I'm in control. Yes, she's cheating, but I drove her. I, I, I, it restores grandiosity.
Anyhow, the intimate partner of a schizoid cerebral narcissist will end up cheating. Cheating is inevitable and overwhelmingly abundant and prevalent in relationships with schizoid cerebral narcissists.
So why not to put the base face on it? Why not to initiate it? Why not to preempt it so that you can tell yourself, convince, lie to yourself convincingly that you were the one who had started it all, that she would not have cheated had it not been for you.
So you are still the master. You're still in control.
Cerebral schizoid narcissists are therefore, as I said before, unboundaried. They never set boundaries in any of their relationships, by the way, not only romantic relationships. They let their partners behave and misbehave in every which way. They afford the partners unmitigated, unmarking freedoms and a complete lack of scrutiny.
Even when all the partners had abused these privileges with ostentatious and egregious serial cheating, for example, the schizoid cerebral narcissist never protects, never restrains them. Girlfriends, spouses, mates find this state of things absolutely beyond the pale. They don't know how to cope with it. They don't even know how to understand it. They resent this benign neglect.
It feels like indifference. It feels like the schizoid cerebral narcissist doesn't care, doesn't mind. It doesn't feel like the schizoid cerebral narcissist is giving them any special liberty or is interested in their well-being and welfare. It doesn't feel like that. It feels like it simply doesn't care where they are, who they are with and what they're doing. And so they can't get a rise. They can't get even a modicum of attention out of this, of the narcissist, no matter how bad their escalated misconduct becomes.
Schizoid cerebral narcissists are infuriating in their unflappability and sanguine. This unflappable and implacable posture engenders a lot of uncertainty in the tortured minds of the schizoid cerebral narcissist ostensible intimates.
They ask themselves, could he truly love me? Does he truly love me?
Because if he had loved me, he would have never let me pick up a man in front of him and go out into the night.
It seems like he doesn't care. He doesn't love me.
And if he does love me, why does he never set rules? Why does he never intervene? Why does he never protest? Why does he never fight with me? Why does he never restrain me? Never mind to what extent I disrespect him in private or even in public. He is unmovable, unshakable, a sphinx, a stone.
Is it apathy? Is he apathetic? Is it really indifferent? Or is it actually a form of passive aggression?
They don't know what to make of it.
Gradually, the intimate partner of the schizoid cerebral narcissist no longer can regard this type of narcissist as a man.
Real men are somewhat possessive, somewhat romantically jealous. I mean, taken to extreme, it's a pathology, but some grain of possessiveness, some grain of romantic jealousy goes hand in hand with sexual exclusivity and a typical relationship.
Real men are like that. And real men are definitely boundaried.
But the cerebral schizoid narcissist is not possessive. He's never romantically jealous. He's spineless. He's also genderless. He's like a total doormat. He lacks all the features of anything remotely resembling a man.
So they gradually can't see him as a man. His obsequiousness repels them. They're disgusted by his obsequiousness, spinelessness. They get angry at his avoidance.
The intimate partner ofthe partners of the schizoid cerebral narcissist become extremely sex adverse. They cut off all sex with the schizoid cerebral narcissist. They start to sleep around in order to cater to the most basic of their unmet needs, intimacy, love, emotionality, sex with a man. Any man, just a man. They are men hungry. They crave a man.
After three years with a schizoid cerebral narcissist, or even three months, living with a schizoid cerebral narcissist is not like being in a romantic diet or in a couple. It's like being with a nothingness, with a non-entity, with an emptiness, with a void. It's harrowing.
I've heard descriptions from victims that are speechless, simply.
So the partners of the schizoid cerebral narcissist are not choosing other men because he's not a man. They're not choosing other men over the men that they had committed to.
It's not like they had committed to the cerebral schizoid narcissist and now they're choosing another man. It's not men versus men. It's men versus nothing. They're not choosing another man. They're choosing a man. They choose actual virility over nothingness. They choose actual masculinity over absence.
The entity back home, which is neither a man nor, frankly, human.
These intimate partners, crying usually in very bad shape, they don't do it willingly. Their dreams are shattered. Their illusions are broken. Their fantasies are dead. They're in horrible shape, but they have, they're compelled to choose presence over absence, actual throbbing life over a pallid simulacrum and a war in warm pulsating bodies of men over the dead flesh of the schizoid cerebral narcissist.
The schizoid cerebral narcissist plays two adult roles, but they're fake adult roles.
One is a father and one is a guru. And he plays these roles in order to secure the shared fantasy.
But these roles are brief. They're context dependent. They're triggered by explicit requests. They're devoid of any true responsibilities, chores or commitment.
The investment in these roles is proportional to the expectations and the benefits that the narcissist derives.
He's going to play the father. He's going to play the guru if there's something in it for him.
You know, he's asking what's in it for me. He doesn't do future faking because he really believes in his own fantasies, but it comes very close and it's a small part of the manipulative ploy, which also includes delusional role play by everyone involved.
As the narcissist woman, as his intimate partner, begins to have emotional and sexual affairs and casual sex with other men, the narcissist, schizoid cerebral narcissist does not experience shockingly any romantic jealousy.
Actually, it doesn't experience any emotion.
If you interrogate these schizoid cerebral narcissists, myself included, I would tell you, they would tell you that the only sensation is relief, a sense of relief.
Now I don't have to cater to her demands as a woman. Now she is someone else's problem. She has outsourced the potentially phony and threatening issue. And she had stopped becoming a nuisance.
I want to be alone and I want to play because I'm a child and because I'm a schizoid.
With a woman, gone, imposing on another man's time and another man's resources, the schizoid cerebral narcissist have now a regained mastery of his life. He feels euphoric. He feels liberated.
You know, like the movie Home Alone, when the child is home alone, when the nagging adults are all gone. That's how he feels when his wife is sleeping with another man, when his girlfriend is dating another man, when they're both absent all night and come back drunk in the morning.
He still feels elated, feels relieved. He feels liberated. It's not his problem anymore. Nuisance is busy elsewhere. I'm left to my pleasurable devices and time consuming vocations or avocations. I can finally be a child and play in the sandbox, unperturbed, unencumbered, and above all unsupervised.
The natural state of the schizoid cerebral narcissist naturally is schizoid.
When he is successful, he feels empowered. He feels self-sufficient and then he feels a bit sadistic.
And when he fails, he withdraws in order to avoid narcissistic injuries and mortifications.
But he is always, whether a success or a failure, he is always solitary. He is always introverted and generates a constant stream of intellectual self-arousal and self-stimulation.
He is alone with his books, in his library, in his study, with his collections, and he is the happiest ever. He is happy as a lark. He doesn't need anyone. He doesn't need the intrusion. He doesn't need the imposition.
And he fulfills the guru-father role only when the woman seeks advice or asks for money. He gives money freely and a lot to buy her off, to bribe her into staying.
And so most of these women are transformed willy-nilly, inadvertently and unwillingly, are transformed into effective gold diggers because they're there for the money. They provide services. They get money. And then they finish the day, finish the day's work. They titivate, put makeup, dress provocatively, and go on to hunt for men, for real men. They don't have one at home.
I said that all this is true unless and until the schizoid cerebral narcissist detects signs of imminent, hurtful abandonment. And these signs include deception. And he is very good because he has called empathy. He's very good at spotting, detecting and ferreting out lies.
You can't pull the wool over the schizoid cerebral narcissist eyes. You can't. He knows everything. He knows everything. He often pretends that he doesn't. He often is silent about it because he doesn't care.
But trust me, he knows absolutely everything, much more than you think that he knows.
And without spying on you, he's a great mind reader.
So when he spots detection, when he spots indifference, overt disrespect, hatred, spite, vindictiveness, impulsivity, recklessness, malice in his intimate partner, he knows she's about to bail out. She's about to abandon sheep. She's about to break up with him. She's about to abandon him.
And then he enters panic mode. He catastrophizes and he reacts with rage in very rigid, possessive, boundaried setting. Usually way too late, but he does.
What is the role of deception or deceptiveness in all this?
Deception includes all the famous acts, secret assignations, lies, counterfactual claims of love and amity, abrupt and incomprehensible behavioral alterations, clandestine communication, denial of access to information, secretiveness.
These are all hallmarks of deception.
And when the narcissist, the schizoid cerebral narcissist becomes convinced that abandonment is imminent, he enters a period of grieving, a period of mourning going through the famous five stages of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, denial, depression, anger. He mourns the demise of the shared fantasy, which was founded on total trust in the mother.
And now this trust is irretrievably lost.
Mind you, he's not mourning you. He's not mourning the fact that you will be out of his life, gone forever. You'll never hear from me again. That's not what he's mourning. He's mourning the shared fantasy. He's mourning the fact that he was so good while it lasted and now he doesn't lost. And he catastrophizes the future deleterious intentions and actions of his intimate partner.
Now she becomes a persecutory object, an internalized enemy. Her snapshot is converted and he demonizes her, devalues her and anticipates the worst. And he becomes paranoid and very, very defensive and he begins to look crazy things.
And he also becomes very angry. He regards any attempt to lie to him or to deceive him as a challenge to his grandiose omniscience and a sign that he is not as feared, admired, respected and held in awe as he had imagined himself to be.
And when the deceptiveness is evident, even if the intimate partner is deceptive towards others, for example, lies to her lover about him or lies about her past, he similarly reacts with anxiety and catastrophizing. If she did it to other men, she would do it to me. If she had cheated with me, she will cheat with others, etc.
Possessiveness then sets in. That's a reaction.
Not romantic jealousy. Listen well. The schizoid cerebral narcissist is never ever romantically jealous, but he does become possessive.
Possessiveness is driven by terror. Mification leads to introspection and romantic jealousy is pain, which results in withdrawal and aversion. These are different things.
Possessiveness is abandonment, separation, anxiety and fear of loss. It's the way the schizoid cerebral narcissist experiences the anticipated rejection and abandonment and breakup.
He's terrified of being separated, being abandoned because he's a kid. He's two years old. He is before his mental age, his emotional age is before the separation and individuation phase.
It's like being abandoned by mother. As long as object constancy is maintained, he doesn't mind if his intimate partner outsources all her sexual and emotional needs.
In other words, he doesn't mind if his intimate partner sleeps around with hundreds of men. He doesn't care. He doesn't mind if she has another man with whom she has a very long and very deep and very involved love affair and she loves that other man and is intimacy with him much more than she loves the narcissist and is intimacy with him. He doesn't care.
None of these matters as long as she's there present physically and mentally. He needs her to not separate. He's terrified of losing her and the way the partner reacts with aggressive defiance to his attempts to hover her, to reel her in and to set boundaries, rigid boundaries.
When she reacts with derision and mockery, when he tries to take possession of her, to reclaim her, she says, now you're trying to reclaim me. Now you're trying to set rules and I'm in the hell with you. I have my own life by now and I have a man, another man. I love him and you know, I want to be with him. I'm not going to abandon you. I'm going to come here and I'm going to service you, but forget about it. You can't limit my freedom. You can't tell me what to do anymore. I'm a free agent. I'm single.
And then when this becomes totally clear, the schizoid cerebral narcissist becomes avoidant and dysphoric, and then he's driven to look for a new shared fantasy because nothing is left. Absolutely nothing is left. Not even, not even common decency. The disrespect that the intimate partner shows the schizoid cerebral narcissist at this stage is so profound, so intractable that he understands that he had lost her and he has to go looking for the next partner in the shared fantasy and give her the same, afford her the same liberties that he had afforded.
And he knows it's doomed as well. He knows he is doomed to doomed relationships. And there's extremely little, if anything, he can do about it.
Cursed, the mark of Cain.