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Sexual Arousal? Only When Cheating on the Spouse

Uploaded 7/27/2018, approx. 1 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Some people, men and women, enjoy sex only when they cheat on their spouses. Sounds counterintuitive and implausible, but how very true?

These people were molded in their formative years early on to associate leisure and intimacy with risk, with deception, with adrenaline. If these are missing, risk, deception, excitement, thrill, adventure, the unexpected, the unpredictable, the forbidden and the dangerous. If these elements are missing, they do not enjoy sex. They are aroused by their immorality or perhaps amorality.

Their horrid promiscuity excites them, the chase, the mind games, the power plays, the conquests. Actually, the less socially acceptable they act, the more illicit, the higher the degree of betrayal or self-debasement and self-upiliation, the greater the decadence, the deviance, the perversion and the shock value, the greater the resulting carnal titillation.

This type of compulsive behavior is a variety of roleplay. Such people need a narrative, a story, a confabulation, a script, in order to get sexually aroused and to enjoy a sexually uncomfortable encounter. The role they assume is that of a promiscuous and treacherous prostitute.

But the very fact that they take on this personality in a cinematic rendition, this very fact makes them feel removed and distant from their own misconduct. In a way, it absorbs them.

They say, it was not me who did it. Well, I don't know what came over me. I felt dissociated on autopilot, like an observer, very guilty.

When asked why they behaved the way they did, they typically shrug it off and the most common answer is, well, I don't know.

Ironically, these cheaters are inordinately attached and bonded to their emotionally thwarted, masochistic, co-dependent, financially generous and enabling spouses.

To fully enjoy sex, these cheaters need to remain married. They need someone, the spouse, to cheat on them. They need someone to torture and torment, someone to lie to, to betray repeatedly and to blame for their own misbehavior. It's a form of alloclastic defense.

They fiercely defend their spouses. That's a joke. While they cheat on their spouses everywhere and literally with everyone, they still defend their spouses and extol their families to anyone who will listen.

They make clear to their lovers, one night stand partners, fuck buddies, they make clear that any arrangement they have outside the marriage is temporary and will not last.

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Adulterous, Unfaithful Narcissists: Why Cheat and have Extramarital Affairs?

Narcissists are unfaithful to their spouses primarily due to their insatiable need for narcissistic supply, which they seek through sexual conquests and extramarital affairs. They experience boredom easily and use these affairs to inject excitement into their otherwise monotonous lives, while maintaining a semblance of stability in other areas. Their sense of superiority leads them to feel entitled to act outside social norms, viewing marriage as a constraint that diminishes their uniqueness. Additionally, narcissists fear intimacy and use infidelity as a means to avoid deeper emotional connections, allowing them to engage in relationships that are less demanding and more controllable.


Study: Narcissists Cheat MORE? Only Partly True! (And Why They Cheat)

Overt or grandiose narcissism is not associated with a higher likelihood of infidelity in intimate relationships, contrary to popular belief; in fact, grandiose narcissistic women are more likely to cheat, while grandiose narcissistic men are not. Vulnerable narcissists, regardless of gender, tend to have more favorable attitudes towards infidelity, indicating that the type of narcissism significantly influences cheating behavior. The reasons behind infidelity among narcissists include a quest for narcissistic supply, a low tolerance for boredom, a desire for control, and a fear of intimacy, which leads them to seek external validation and excitement outside their primary relationships. Overall, the dynamics of infidelity among narcissists are complex and vary based on the type of narcissism and the characteristics of their partners.


Incest, Emotional Infidelity, Reality therapy (RT), Our Introjects, Music Triggers

The dual mothership principle influences a narcissist's sexuality by causing them to either become hypersexual or abstain from sexual relations, as they often view their intimate partner as a maternal figure. Emotional cheating is perceived as more damaging to a narcissist than physical infidelity, as it triggers feelings of abandonment and insecurity, while sexual infidelity may be dismissed or even encouraged in certain contexts. Reality therapy focuses on helping individuals identify their true desires and adapt their behaviors to meet their needs, rather than labeling them with mental illnesses. Introjects, or internalized voices, can be either congruent or incongruent with one's identity, affecting how individuals relate to themselves and others, particularly in the context of narcissism.


Is It OK to Cheat on My Narcissist?

In summary, Professor Sam Vaknin discusses three types of cheating in relationships with narcissists: cheating to preserve the shared fantasy, cheating to exit the shared fantasy, and cheating to mortify the narcissist. Cheating to preserve the shared fantasy does not provoke romantic jealousy in the narcissist, as long as it is done discreetly and respectfully. Cheating to exit the shared fantasy provokes extreme romantic jealousy, as it challenges the idealized version of the partner and threatens the shared fantasy. Cheating to mortify the narcissist forces them to confront their true selves and destroys their grandiosity, ultimately leading to the end of the relationship.


Narcissists Hate Women, Misogynists

Narcissists view women as objects and use them for both primary and secondary narcissistic supply. They fear emotional intimacy and treat women as property, similar to the mindset of European males in the 18th century. Narcissists frustrate women by teasing them and then leaving them, and they hold women in contempt, choosing submissive partners whom they disdain for being below their intellectual level. The narcissist projects his own behavior and traits onto women.


Bondage Hijacked by Narcissists and Psychopaths (in the West) (ENGLISH responses)

Shibari, a form of Japanese rope art, emphasizes aesthetic values and the human body as a sculpture rather than dominance, contrasting sharply with Western bondage, which focuses on power dynamics. While some practices can cause physical harm, the primary intention of Shibari is artistic expression rather than violence. Narcissists often misinterpret these practices as extreme dominance, distorting the original intent and coupling it with real violence, leading to dangerous outcomes. Ultimately, true bondage is consensual and aims to please both partners, while narcissists engage in harmful acts that resemble hostage-taking rather than genuine bonding.


Infantile Narcissist's Submissive Women, Pedophilia (ENGLISH responses)

Women have submissive fantasies and desires in sex, which are built into the female mind. Narcissists are conditioned or become addicted to a source of high-grade narcissistic supply, and submission is not a determinant of the strength or duration of the relationship. Infantilization is a common narcissistic behavior, and in the sexual realm, it takes on the guise of role-play. Pedophilia is a universal phenomenon, and the narcissist's pedophilia has little to do with children but more to do with freedom, control, and defiance.


Covert Narcissist’s Sadistic Envy Fantasy

Malicious envy is characterized by a desire to destroy those who evoke feelings of inferiority, contrasting with benign envy, which motivates self-improvement. Covert narcissists often exhibit sadistic tendencies, deriving pleasure from inflicting pain on others, particularly when they feel threatened by someone else's success. Recent research indicates a strong link between grandiose narcissism, sadism, and malicious envy, suggesting that these traits are interconnected through narcissistic rivalry and the need for control. Ultimately, the covert narcissist's sadistic behavior is a compensatory mechanism to regain a sense of power and self-worth in the face of perceived inferiority.


Narcissist’s Mixed Signals: You His Mother, He Your Father

Narcissists often have distorted sexual relationships due to conflicting messages received during childhood, leading them to either seek maternal figures or treat partners as disposable objects. Their sexuality is characterized by sadism, where they derive pleasure from degrading and objectifying women rather than from genuine intimacy or love. As relationships progress, women may initially indulge the narcissist's fantasies but eventually seek true intimacy, leading to frustration and withdrawal from the narcissist. Ultimately, this cycle results in a lack of genuine connection, with both parties trapped in dysfunctional patterns that stem from their unresolved childhood issues.


Narcissist Frustrates Women with Ostentatious Fidelity

Cerebral narcissists often frustrate women who are attracted to them by withholding sexual intimacy and engaging in teasing behaviors, which stems from a deep-seated misogyny and contempt for women. They compartmentalize women into categories of "saints" and "whores," leading to a distorted view of intimacy and sexuality, where sex is seen as dirty and reserved for those they devalue. This behavior serves to secure narcissistic supply by eliciting admiration and pursuit while simultaneously reenacting unresolved conflicts from their past. Ultimately, the narcissist's fear of intimacy and emotional connection drives them to inflict pain on women, reinforcing their own feelings of superiority and control.

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