Sexual Arousal? Only When Cheating on the Spouse

Uploaded 7/27/2018, approx. 1 minute read

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

Some people, men and women, enjoy sex only when they cheat on their spouses. Sounds counterintuitive and implausible, but how very true?

These people were molded in their formative years early on to associate leisure and intimacy with risk, with deception, with adrenaline. If these are missing, risk, deception, excitement, thrill, adventure, the unexpected, the unpredictable, the forbidden and the dangerous. If these elements are missing, they do not enjoy sex. They are aroused by their immorality or perhaps amorality.

Their horrid promiscuity excites them, the chase, the mind games, the power plays, the conquests. Actually, the less socially acceptable they act, the more illicit, the higher the degree of betrayal or self-debasement and self-upiliation, the greater the decadence, the deviance, the perversion and the shock value, the greater the resulting carnal titillation.

This type of compulsive behavior is a variety of roleplay. Such people need a narrative, a story, a confabulation, a script, in order to get sexually aroused and to enjoy a sexually uncomfortable encounter. The role they assume is that of a promiscuous and treacherous prostitute.

But the very fact that they take on this personality in a cinematic rendition, this very fact makes them feel removed and distant from their own misconduct. In a way, it absorbs them.

They say, it was not me who did it. Well, I don't know what came over me. I felt dissociated on autopilot, like an observer, very guilty.

When asked why they behaved the way they did, they typically shrug it off and the most common answer is, well, I don't know.

Ironically, these cheaters are inordinately attached and bonded to their emotionally thwarted, masochistic, co-dependent, financially generous and enabling spouses.

To fully enjoy sex, these cheaters need to remain married. They need someone, the spouse, to cheat on them. They need someone to torture and torment, someone to lie to, to betray repeatedly and to blame for their own misbehavior. It's a form of alloclastic defense.

They fiercely defend their spouses. That's a joke. While they cheat on their spouses everywhere and literally with everyone, they still defend their spouses and extol their families to anyone who will listen.

They make clear to their lovers, one night stand partners, fuck buddies, they make clear that any arrangement they have outside the marriage is temporary and will not last.

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Adulterous, Unfaithful Narcissists: Why Cheat and have Extramarital Affairs?

Narcissists cheat on their spouses for several reasons. Firstly, they require a constant supply of attention, admiration, and regulation to regulate their unstable sense of self-worth. Secondly, they are easily bored and require sexual conquests to alleviate this. Thirdly, they maintain an island of stability in their life surrounded by chaos and instability. Fourthly, they feel entitled to anything and everything and reject social conventions. Fifthly, they feel that being married reduces them to the lowest common denominator. Sixthly, they are control freaks and initiate other relationships to reassert control. Finally, they are terrified of intimacy and adultery is an excellent tool to suppress it.

Never Forgive Infidelity, Cheating!

Public intellectuals and coaches who validate ignorance and biases for profit are criticized. The speaker argues that cheating in relationships is never therapeutic and reflects underlying psychological issues. They distinguish consensual non-monogamous arrangements from deceptive affairs, asserting that forgiving such betrayal indicates mental illness. Mentally healthy individuals are advised to end relationships after infidelity, and those who don't are deemed mentally impaired. The speaker dismisses justifications for cheating and urges seeking therapy for considering staying in a deceptive relationship.

WARNING: Your Best Friend Will Poach Your Partner!

Mate poaching, or attempting to romantically attract someone who is already in a relationship, is a common seduction technique and mating strategy. Studies show that friendship is the best predictor of cheating, as it is the most common relationship invasion tactic. Friends with benefits can evolve into long-term romantic relationships, as friendship leads to investment and commitment. However, relationships formed from poaching tend to be of lower quality than non-poached counterparts, and individuals with a history of mate poaching often report poorer quality relationships.

Study: Narcissists Cheat MORE? Only Partly True! (And Why They Cheat)

A study on narcissism and infidelity found that grandiose narcissistic women are more likely to have favorable attitudes towards infidelity, while their male partners are less likely to cheat. Vulnerable narcissists, both male and female, are more likely to have favorable attitudes towards infidelity. Additionally, the number of premarital partners is linked to higher rates of divorce and infidelity, with those having nine or more partners being at a higher risk. Narcissists cheat for reasons such as seeking narcissistic supply, avoiding intimacy and commitment, and asserting control. They may also use infidelity as a way to rejuvenate their primary relationship.

If You Love a Narcissist, This is For You

The text describes a relationship with a person who is emotionally unavailable and causes pain and rejection. The person craves love and intimacy but pushes the other person away and hurts them first. The relationship is described as a form of self-harm, but the other person cannot let go. The relationship is a mix of good times and bad times, and the person is described as fleeting and penumbral.

From Grooming to Discard via Shared Fantasy: Cheat, Mortify, Exit

Professor Sam Vaknin discusses the cycle of relationships with a narcissist, which follows a pattern of five phases: grooming, shared fantasy, interstitial one with two options, mortification or anti-fantasy, and interstitial two. The narcissist creates a shared fantasy to extract sex, supply, and services from their partner, and the shared fantasy allows them to avoid true intimacy and commitment. Cheating is an option for women who want to escape the shared fantasy and create an alternative sanctuary with another man. The fourth phase, the anti-fantasy phase, occurs when the partner tries to transition from the shared fantasy to reality, and the narcissist becomes indecisive and approach avoidant. Mortification is crucial to end the shared fantasy, and the narcissist switches to internal or external mortification

Narcissist and Victim: Daddy or Mommy Issues? (See link in description)

The text discusses the concept of the dual mothership in the Narcissist shared fantasy, where the narcissist and their partner seek maternal figures for unconditional love and acceptance. It explains the roles of mothers and fathers in personal development and the impact of unresolved conflicts with them. It also delves into the concept of "daddy issues" and how they manifest in seeking care, protection, and validation from older figures. The text emphasizes the distinction between issues related to the mother and the father, and how they can affect relationships and behavior.

Narcissist Pays Heavy Price For Betrayal Fantasy

The Narcissist Betrayal Fantasy is a strategy used by narcissists to get rid of their intimate partners by pushing them to cheat or betray them. This allows the narcissist to maintain the high moral ground and dissolve the shared fantasy, which is highly addictive and difficult to break. The narcissist experiences pain in the form of narcissistic injury or mortification due to the misinterpretation of their actions by others, but this short-term cost is outweighed by the long-term benefits of a victimhood narrative. This strategy is also applied in other relationships, such as friendships and work collaborations, by engineering situations that set people up for failure and then pointing to their misbehavior as justification for ending the relationship.

Is It OK to Cheat on My Narcissist?

In summary, Professor Sam Vaknin discusses three types of cheating in relationships with narcissists: cheating to preserve the shared fantasy, cheating to exit the shared fantasy, and cheating to mortify the narcissist. Cheating to preserve the shared fantasy does not provoke romantic jealousy in the narcissist, as long as it is done discreetly and respectfully. Cheating to exit the shared fantasy provokes extreme romantic jealousy, as it challenges the idealized version of the partner and threatens the shared fantasy. Cheating to mortify the narcissist forces them to confront their true selves and destroys their grandiosity, ultimately leading to the end of the relationship.

Why Narcissist Devalues YOU (Hint: Wants YOU "Dead")

Narcissists devalue their partners as a form of self-defense and control. There are two types of devaluation: preemptive and reactive. Preemptive devaluation occurs when a narcissist is in a transitional state between overt and covert narcissism, and they devalue potential sources of supply to prevent the overt side from using them against the covert side. Reactive devaluation is a response to a perceived threat to the narcissist's grandiosity or control. Both types of devaluation are harmful to the victim and serve to maintain the narcissist's sense of power and control.

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