Why Cerebral Narcissist Chooses YOU

Uploaded 3/7/2021, approx. 17 minute read

What about cerebral narcissists? Why do cerebral narcissists choose women who have normal sexuality? Why do they go after women who are hypersexual, have a very strong sex drive? Why do they court and flirt and groom and love-bomb promiscuous women, like my mini? Why, in other words, do cerebral narcissists choose manifestly and patently wrong partners for them, sexually incompatible partners?

It's not only a question of promiscuity, it's not only a question of being histrionic, it's not only a question of going after flirtatious and seductive women, going after somatic narcissistic women, or even going after borderline and psychopathic women, which cerebrals do habitually.

Even when they court, even when they try to team up with a sexually healthy woman, they are courting disaster, because it's going to end badly.

The mismatch between the cerebrals absent sex drive and the healthy woman's sex drive is likely to end in pain, hurt, cheating, betrayal and catastrophe. Cerebral narcissists are known for their cerebral power. That's why they are called cerebrals. They are highly intelligent. Some of them are even professors of psychology. They know everything. They know how it's going to end.

Why do they keep pursuing the same thing? What is this repetition compulsion? What do they hope to accomplish?

There is a saying that madness is trying to do the same thing over and over and over again, hoping for a different outcome.

But here's the crux. Here's the gist of it.

The cerebral narcissist is not expecting a different outcome. He expects the very same outcome.

And he is courting this outcome. And we're going to discuss it shortly.

I'm going to give you six reasons why the cerebral narcissist had chosen you as his intimate partner. Six reasons, because Sam Vaknin never leaves any stone unturned and any woman unstoned.


My name is Sam Vaknin. I'm the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited and a host of other books and e-books and videos and you name it on narcissism and other personality disorders. I'm also a professor of psychology, as I've already mentioned six times in this video, talking about grandiosity.


Cool it.


Take a smoke. Take a joint and watch this video.

The cerebral narcissist is aware, fully aware of his essential asexuality. Why do I say that the cerebral narcissist is asexual? After all, for example, he consumes porn, pornography. He must abates.

Yes, but he consumes pornography and must abates precisely because they are not real sex. They provide physiological release and they avoid the concomitance of sex. They avoid intimacy. Pornography is the opposite of intimacy. It's impersonal. It's disembodied. And so pornography and must abate provide him with a full solution for his autoerotic sex drive without the risks and threats of intimacy and the demands that intimacy poses.

So this is not real sexuality. I mean, technically it is psychosexuality, but it's not full adult, mature, reciprocated sexuality.

The cerebral narcissist being cerebral and therefore highly intelligent and intellectual and learned and educated, knows very well that he is asexual in the sense that his sexuality is not other directed. He has no object relations of any kind, let alone sexual.

Every cerebral narcissist goes through sexual phases. Every cerebral narcissist sometimes becomes somatic, but he becomes somatic. He engages in sex and he enjoys sex. He loves sex as a somatic narcissist.

Only when he is grooming a new partner, a new partner for an emerging shared fantasy.

So when the cerebral narcissist had lost his previous shared fantasy, had been abandoned, had been betrayed, had been cheated on, had been dumped, is no longer adulated, does not receive the services that he had come to expect.

When the shared fantasy crumbles and is no longer functional, it is then that the cerebral becomes somatic. And he becomes somatic for one purpose only, to captivate, to groom, to acquire a new intimate partner, a new insignificant other.

It's like false advertising. The somatic, the cerebral narcissist turned somatic is now sexually active, sexually imaginative and creative and amazing, a bit kinky, sometimes a bit sadistic, but at all times fascinating or gasping.

And this is the facade that he presents to potential partners. He is actually telling them, this is the way I am when deep inside he knows that this is not true. He knows his line. He is not like that. He is like that for a short period of time until he had secured the new shared fantasy.

The pandemic had provided me and other scholars of narcissism with a unique opportunity because during the pandemic many cerebral narcissists had lost their shared fantasies. They had been abandoned and dumped by intimate partners, spouses, significant others and so on. So many cerebral narcissists were left all alone.

Now cerebral narcissists cannot survive without a shared fantasy. Under normal circumstances, all these cerebral narcissists who had lost the shared fantasies would have become somatics and would have gone out hunting for new intimate partners, preying upon, gullible, naive, willing and lonely women, broken or damaged or otherwise.

So all these, every cerebral narcissist who had lost his shared fantasy would have become somatic.

But during the pandemic, owing to restrictions on movement, restrictions on meetings, meeting other people, restrictions on sex, restrictions on bodily contact, etc. It is very difficult to find a new intimate partner and to groom her in an effective manner, especially using sex.

So we have seen a phenomenon, a phenomenon never seen before. During the pandemic, we have seen the cerebral narcissists who had lost the shared fantasy, had lost the intimate partner, had actually remained cerebral. They are not interested in women. They are not interested in sexting. They are not interested in exchanging sexually explicit material with willing women all over the world. They are not interested in engaging in sexual chats. They don't initiate any kind of sex, virtual or real.


Because sex in this case, sexting would not lead to a new intimate partner. This is proof positive that the cerebral narcissist's psychosexuality is instrumentalized. It's weaponized. It's a tool of war. It's an instrument of predation.

The cerebral narcissist who is capable of hunting a new intimate partner suddenly becomes somatic and full of sex and sexy and sexual and hypersex and maybe even a sex addict. The cerebral narcissist who for some reason cannot secure a new intimate partner is totally not interested in sex, even when he is alone and not in a shared fantasy.

So in prisons during pandemics, in hospitals, in armies, in total institutions, we see that cerebral narcissists never become somatic. They never become somatic also when they are alone and not in a shared fantasy.

So we now know for sure that cerebral narcissists engage in sex only in order to fence in, to bring in together intimate partners, to embed them in a shared fantasy, in a new shared fantasy.

But this still doesn't solve the problem. Why go through the inevitable deception, the heartbreaking and heart-wrenching betrayal and cheating, the acrimony in the wake of the ineluctable sexlessness of a relationship with the cerebral?

In other words, the cerebral knows that if his partner has a normal sex drive, let alone if his partner has a strong sex drive or is promiscuous or is histrionic, he knows that he will not be able to gratify her sexual needs.

So why, why choose such partners in the first place?

Well, there are six reasons.

Number one, the cerebral narcissist wants to convert his partner into a bad per secretary object. This way he can justify and perpetuate his morally superior victim stance.

In other words, the cerebral narcissist wants to feel that he's a victim, believes himself to be a victim, and convince himself that he's a victim and is emotionally invested in his victimhood.

He feels good when he's a victim because it means that he is morally superior. It means that he is good. It's a morality play. He's good. All the others are evil. It caters to his persecretary and paranoid streak.

So it fulfills many psychological, important psychological functions, being a victim.

And so cerebral narcissists try to maintain and preserve and buttress and sustain the victim mentality and the victim's stance at all times.

And they need a partner who would victimize them. They need a partner to cheat on them. They need a partner to abuse them. They need a partner who would betray them.

And they inexorably push this partner into these behaviors. They engage in what we call projective identification. They force the partner. They force the partner to compromise her values, her self-respect, her dignity. They force her to become a cheater, a deceiver, a betrayer, so as to feel that they are morally superior victims.

And this is called tendency for interpersonal victimhood, TIV.

And the process of pushing someone to engage in infidelity is known as collusive infidelity.

I have videos of all these topics. I recommend that you go and watch them because I need more views.

Right. No, because it will be helpful to you. Right.

Okay. Reason number two.

To remind you, what's the question?

The question is, why does the cerebral choose inappropriate, incompatible partners as far as sexuality?

He is asexual or his sex drive is mutated. It's autoerotic. It's not other directed.

So if he is an immature, infantile sex drive, why does it choose mature, sexed, hypersexed, promiscuous, histrionic, or simply healthy, sexually healthy women? Why does he make this choice?

Number two. To test his partner's unconditional love and allegiance. He pushes her to the limits. He puts her in the corner. He's testing her mettle. He's testing her commitment to him. He wants to see how far can he go before she breaks down? How far can he go before she breaks up? And how far can he go before she cheats on him?

It's a test. And inevitably, everyone fails this test. And this gratifies the narcissist no end, because it means that he is omnipotent. He knows everything, an omniscient.

So by pushing his partner to behave in ways that the cerebral narcissist had anticipated, it gratifies his grandiosity, because it means that he has control over the partner. He can make her do things. This is called internal modification. He can make her do things.

And it also means that he's a genius, because he had predicted and he had known full well that she's going to cheat on him. And here she's cheating on him. Proof is a victim. He's a genius.

So the narcissist's grandiosity benefits from the misconduct of his intimate partner.

So he pushes her to misbehave.

Number three, he wants to control his partner. He wants to control her by making her feel guilty, by making her feel ashamed. He controls her via her guilt and shame over her inevitable misbehavior with men. She simply seeks to cater to the most basic of human needs. She wants love. She wants intimacy. She wants sex.

The cerebral narcissist withholds all these from her, intentionally, deliberately. And he withholds all these from her because he wants her to misbehave. The minute she had misbehaved, she would feel guilty. She would feel ashamed and self-deprecating.

At that moment, the cerebral steps in and he's in full control of her. He's in full control of her because he can guilt her, treat her. He can shame her into submission.

Number five, the partner's misbehavior.

And when I say cheating, I don't only mean physical cheating, infidelity, adultery, betrayal of all kinds. Yes. Emotional affairs, betrayal in business, financial or legal betrayal. So betrayal of all kinds.

When the partner, the intimate partner, the cerebral narcissist's intimate partner misbehaves, when she betrays him, stabs him in the back, it legitimizes his defiance and his contempt for his partner.

Because this is the ground, this is the base emotion.

Cerebral narcissists are contemptuous. They're contemptuous towards one and sundry. Everyone is held in contempt, either because they're intellectually inferior or because they're emotionally vulnerable or because they're weak or because they're sick or because they're stupid.

I mean, one way or the other, the cerebral narcissist holds everyone in the most profound, deepest contempt imaginable to the point of dehumanizing. So he holds his partner in contempt, but he depends on her for a variety of services, for adulation, secondary narcissistic supply, and he resents this dependence. So he wants to defy this dependence. He is counterdependent.

And so when he forces his partner to misbehave, when he forces his partner to cheat on him sexually, to betray him in some other way, this restores his sense of equilibrium.

This means that he has had the upper hand. He's morally superior. His grandiosity is restored.

She has to answer for her misdeeds. She has to deceive. She has to pretend. She has to act. She has to fake.

And he stands aside and he watches. He observes her pitiful squirming. He delights in her delectable suffering. He smirks behind.

And then when it's all over, when she's prostrate, when she's a carpet, when she had been rented a doormat, when she had compromised and sacrificed every figment of her self-respect, when she had prostituted herself to strangers, when she had drunk herself to oblivion, when she had misbehaved in every conceivable way, when she is ashamed mainly of herself, unable to look at herself in the mirror.

At that point, the cerebral narcissist steps in. He forgives her, magnanimously. He shows his benevolence and altruism and charity. He is a great good man. He's a great good man, wronged by inferior decrepit, corrupt and decadent partners like her.

It restores equilibrium. He is God, a forgiving God, a Christian God. And she is the wayward, the wayward, wayward nation of Israel.

Number six, the cerebral narcissist teams up with sexually incompatible women. She has a sex drive. He doesn't have a sex drive. Why does it team up with her?

Because it allows, it allows him to give his partner total freedom.

He says again, magnanimously, benevolently, benignly. He says, listen, I know you have a sex drive. I don't have a sex drive. I know you want to have sex. I don't want to have sex.

So go ahead, find others, have sex with them. Same with intimacy, same with love. I'm incapable of giving you any of these things, nor do I wish to. So outsource them, go out and find them.

He gives her total freedom. And this freedom is manifested as indifference, is disguised as indifference.

He seems to be, he seems to not to care, not to mind. He seems totally indifferent. It's of course a facade. It's a charade deep inside his seething with rage and vengeance and negative emotionality because he feels slighted and challenged and humiliated and shamed by her.

But he pretends not to care. So he is showing a facade of indifference and he gives her total freedom.

Don't ask, don't tell. He never asks any questions. He doesn't care. He doesn't bother.

But having given her this freedom, he accepts reciprocity. The freedom that he had given her guarantees that she will stay out of the cerebral affairs. She will not bother him. She will let him be. She will let him delight in solitary pursuits within his solipsistic black hole. And this is known as schizoid style.

So the cerebral narcissist is a schizoid. He is most at ease and he's most pleased and he's most gratified and he's most egosyntonic. In other words, he's most happy when he's totally alone. He likes to pursue his hobbies, his thoughts. He likes to do things, solitary things. And he regards everyone as an intruder and every attempt to communicate with him as intrusion. And of course, every attempt to love him as gross violation of his boundaries.

Now, I'm not saying that cerebral narcissists don't have a social life. And I'm not saying that they avoid people. They do have a social life and they do interact and communicate with people.

But this is goal oriented. They do this only when they need something. They want to make money so they have business associates. They seek celebrity and fame so they socialize and become gregarious. It's all goal oriented.

At the core, narcissists detest human contact. Their ideal utopia is a world with no human beings, a post nuclear apocalypse where they have access to huge libraries and whole cities with not a living soul. That is the narcissist, cerebral narcissist, wet dream.

Cerebral narcissists are all schizoid. The schizoid empty core is at the base and foundation of narcissists.

And so by pushing away his partner, by liberating her, by allowing her to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants for as long as she wants, actually the cerebral narcissist is guaranteeing freedom to himself, not to her.

I've said that most cerebrals are also schizoids. A cerebral narcissist detests his body. He resents his body because his body is an encumbrance and a maintenance chore. The cerebral narcissist neglects his body egregiously.

Most cerebrals are also schizoids so they derive no pleasure from any physical activity, including sex. Everything the cerebral does is colored by this corporeal self rejection of the body. Everything he does is imbued with this self rejection of the body.

The narcissist, the cerebral narcissist, reverts to the somatic type and actually revels in profuse and imaginative sex only when he is hunting for a new intimate partner to embed in a nascent shared fantasy. Mission accomplished, shared fantasy established, the cerebral narcissist reverts from somatic to cerebral to celibate hibernation.

Similarly, if the cerebral narcissist is a sadist, his sadism is likely to be psychological, not physical. Only in the somatic grooming phase, the sex of the cerebral narcissist is sadistic.

So, when the cerebral is cerebral in the cerebral phase, which is the dominant phase, he is sexless and his sadism is psychological. He tortures and humiliates and torments people, especially in public. He bullies them. When he reverts from cerebral to somatic in order to hunt for a new partner, his sadism is both psychological and sexual. When he had secured the partner and he has a new shared fantasy, so he can go back to being a cerebral, his sadism becomes psychological again.

The cerebral narcissist is repelled by physical pain and by suffering. He is revolted by anything bodily. Body fluids, body organs, everything disgusting. Body is generally disgusting.

So, I've tried to explain to you why the cerebral narcissist insists on having promiscuous, dysregulated, hypersex women or women with a healthy sex right, as his intimate partners.

Why doesn't he target asexual women? Why doesn't he target cerebral narcissists who are women and also don't want sex? Why doesn't he target sex-averse women? They are women who gave up on sex, having been sexually abused, for example, or raped, or having gone through extreme complex trauma. These women usually give up on sex.

So, there's a whole pool, huge pool of women who are sexless by nature and inclination and choice and proclivity.

Why doesn't the sex-averse women and choice and proclivity target these women?

I gave you six reasons. Why not?

The cerebral narcissist uses women as intimate partners in order to regulate his grandiosity in a variety of ways, his sense of moral superiority and also in order to control the intimate partner via guilt and shame.

You have been forewarned.

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Adulterous, Unfaithful Narcissists: Why Cheat and have Extramarital Affairs?

Narcissists cheat on their spouses for several reasons. Firstly, they require a constant supply of attention, admiration, and regulation to regulate their unstable sense of self-worth. Secondly, they are easily bored and require sexual conquests to alleviate this. Thirdly, they maintain an island of stability in their life surrounded by chaos and instability. Fourthly, they feel entitled to anything and everything and reject social conventions. Fifthly, they feel that being married reduces them to the lowest common denominator. Sixthly, they are control freaks and initiate other relationships to reassert control. Finally, they are terrified of intimacy and adultery is an excellent tool to suppress it.

Narcissist Frustrates Women with Ostentatious Fidelity

Narcissists, particularly cerebral narcissists, often frustrate women who are attracted to them by withholding sex or teasing them. This is because they are misogynists who hold women in contempt and fear them. They divide women into saints and whores, and view sex and intimacy as mutually exclusive. The narcissist's frustrating behavior serves to secure a narcissistic supply and reenact unresolved conflicts with their mother. They pathologize women to control them and project their own parasitic behavior onto them.

Cerebral Narcissist's Sexual Disneyland (ENGLISH responses)

Cerebral narcissists bring creativity, imagination, and multidimensionality to sex, making it more exciting and addictive than with somatic narcissists. However, the cerebral narcissist uses sex to acquire and capture the woman, making her addicted to him, and then abruptly stops the sex once he feels secure in the relationship. This creates severe cognitive, emotional, and axiological dissonance, leading to extreme behaviors in the partner, such as alcoholism or risky sexual behavior. Therefore, an open relationship or outsourcing sex is not a solution, and the only recommendation is to avoid a relationship with a cerebral narcissist altogether.

Cerebral Narcissist's Confession: Regulation of Narcissistic Supply

The cerebral narcissist describes his pattern of selecting women inferior to him, engaging in brief periods of sex, and then becoming a recluse interested only in his studies. He sees his intimate partners as fulfilling roles such as admiring him, reminding him of his past accomplishments, and doing chores. He does not care what else they do with their time or with whom they spend it, but panics when they show signs of leaving him. He embarks on a charm offensive, but it is usually too late. The women feel that something is wrong with the relationship, but cannot place their finger on it.

Narcissist: Pornography as Real Life (ENGLISH responses)

Narcissists who are cerebral asexuals do not respond to any sexual cues, advances, or courting by any possible sex partner. They are not responding to visual cues in leaving people. Pornography creates an addiction and misrepresents sex, converting it into something impersonal, aggressive, and dead. Narcissists invest sexual energy and emotions in masturbation but have no investment in sex with real people. The narcissist is self-sufficient in everything and is an autonomous unit with zero dependence on other people, except for narcissistic supply.

Why Narcissist Devalues YOU (Hint: Wants YOU "Dead")

Narcissists devalue their partners as a form of self-defense and control. There are two types of devaluation: preemptive and reactive. Preemptive devaluation occurs when a narcissist is in a transitional state between overt and covert narcissism, and they devalue potential sources of supply to prevent the overt side from using them against the covert side. Reactive devaluation is a response to a perceived threat to the narcissist's grandiosity or control. Both types of devaluation are harmful to the victim and serve to maintain the narcissist's sense of power and control.

Narcissist: No Sex, please, I am Cerebral!

Narcissists are autoerotic and prefer masturbation to sex. They view women with contempt and seek to torment them. The cerebral narcissist is often celibate and prefers pornography and sexual auto-stimulation to the real thing. They are afraid of encounters with the opposite sex and are even more afraid of emotional involvement or commitment that they fancy themselves prone to develop following a sexual encounter.

Cerebral Narcissist: Woman? What's That For?

The cerebral narcissist lacks the sexual energy and magnetism of the somatic narcissist. The author, a cerebral narcissist, describes himself as a deceptive package, an I being, a mental alien in an uncanny carnal outfit. He is exhausted by the rites of procreation and rarely copulates. Women are attracted to him but repelled by his essence, and he is turned into a gaping black hole, out to suck the vitality of everyone around him.

Narcissist: Women as Sluttish Huntresses or Sexless Saints

Heterosexual narcissists desire women but are frustrated by their inability to interact with them meaningfully. They hate women virulently, passionately, and uncompromisingly, and their hate is primal, irrational, and the progeny of mortal fear and sustained abuse in early childhood. Narcissists are infinitely pessimistic, bare-tempered, paranoid, and sadistic, and their daily routine is a rigmarole of threats, complaints, hurts, eruptions, moodiness, and rage. They are their own worst enemy and cannot conceive of life in one place with one set of people, doing the same thing in the same field with one goal within a decades-old game plan or career path or relationship.

Narcissist's Partner Reacts to Narcissist's Sexuality (ENGLISH responses)

Partners of narcissists often deny the signs of their sexual behavior, which can be pretty open, including consuming pornography, having lovers, and trying to convince their partner to participate in threesomes and group sex. The rejection of the narcissist's sexual practices by the partner is often a weapon used against the narcissist in arguments, rather than a genuine issue. The rejection of the narcissist's needs by the partner is a great pity and a great obstacle to the relationship, and partners should sit back and consider what they are willing to do and what they are not willing to do.

Transcripts Copyright © Sam Vaknin 2010-2024, under license to William DeGraaf
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